There's no turning back now

[meow_meow]

So I've been into self improovement for a year now, and meditating daily for ~7 months
For the last month I've been doing enlightenment work daily for about ~30 minutes (without psychedelics)  

I've been trough some really bad times during my story (You can read about it Here If you're interested)

To be honest - while meditating approx ~5 months into it, I started asking myself questions 'What is this voice in my head? is it a thought? where did it come from? how was it constructed? why is it talking in my native language only? etc'  - basically I got into enlightenment more or less naturally.

At this point I choose to believe that I'm not awakened nor am I enlightened.
In fact - I've come to a realization that there's no one to become enlightened.

There is no me as I use to believe (or simply assume), and on top of that 'I' or 'me' can't get enlightened - if I choose to indentify with this body and the fucking story that was attached to it this whole damn time then only thing that has happened to me is a shitton of shifts in thinking, views and awareness.

At this point I've realized that I've always been here, everything I assumed was the outter world and inner world is just one.
Since time is relative I've realized that I was actually never born. (this body was physically born of course)

Everything is a story, even Leo's theory of enlightenment is a story, god is a story.

Every damn-thing I believed and assumed to be true has collapsed, my previous thinking and ways of percieving reality is simply smashed into pieces.

I've thought about death in details, a lot, even contemplated and visualized my death. - Not because of these negative emotions, since I'm not depressed - actually I'm quite happy, and aware of being happy makes me kinda less happy, but still happy. lol

I feel sick, I'm watching negative emotions flow trough me , and as I'm getting deeper into enlightent it just gets sorta worse.

And the worst part of this - there is no turning back, I've stopped doing any work besides meditation for a week now, but I guess this is here to stay.

Thoughts?

Edited May 29, 2020 by meow_meow

[Forestluv]

Nice work and insights. At times there is discomfort, yet there is also a lot of beauty.

Your post reminds me of a time I was watching Adyashanti describe a point of “no turning back”. He spoke seriously. He described how the vast majority of people engage with spirituality for self improvement and to live a better life. This is fine and one can go very far spiritually with this orientation. Yet there is also a ‘point’ of seeing self transcendence (not self improvement). There is a point of no return in which enough has been revealed that there is no turning back to the previous immersion in self. Similar to Truman in The Truman Show. There came a point in which he became aware of enough that he couldn’t go back believing his True Self is the Truman character he had been playing. 

[Javfly33]

11 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Nice work and insights. At times there is discomfort, yet there is also a lot of beauty.

Your post reminds me of a time I was watching Adyashanti describe a point of “no turning back”. He spoke seriously. He described how the vast majority of people engage with spirituality for self improvement and to live a better life. This is fine and one can go very far spiritually with this orientation. Yet there is also a ‘point’ of seeing self transcendence (not self improvement). There is a point of no return in which enough has been revealed that there is no turning back to the previous immersion in self. Similar to Truman in The Truman Show. There came a point in which he became aware of enough that he couldn’t go back believing his True Self is the Truman character he had been playing. 

Lol I did watch that video too in a certain moment of my "path" when actually I felt it serious!! Haha. One of the beauties of this path is so many "re-contextualizations" levels.

I could have watched that video when I just heard of Spirituality, and it wouldn't have moved me a bit, maybe it could have just arised a little curiosity in me.

However at the time I watched i actually felt a kind "fear" and "realness" of the message. 

[Forestluv]

22 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Lol I did watch that video too in a certain moment of my "path" when actually I felt it serious!!

I could have watched that video when I just heard of Spirituality, and it wouldn't have moved me a bit, maybe it could have just arised a little curiosity in me.

However at the time I watched i actually felt a kind "fear" and "realness" of the message. 

Same here. ? 

[meow_meow]

50 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

.. There is a point of no return in which enough has been revealed that there is no turning back to the previous immersion in self. ..
 

To be honest - I feel afraid, it's sorta traumatising and awkward at the same time. It makes no sense, it's like almost this shouldnt be possible, but it's happening right now, How is this possible? I mean.. I cant even explain in words. It feels like shit has hit the fan, and at this point i sorta regret doing enlightenment work at all 

Edited May 29, 2020 by meow_meow
mist

[meow_meow]

Leo likes to call ir a rationalists paradigm and I've used to be hyper-rational (I'm relatively to the avarage - highly educated in law and software engineering) 

And 'this' shift in awarenees has hit me hard, I have questioned almost every one of my assumptions about everything, and nothing has a true meaning, it's all just a theory, a story, an assumption. Every meaning that there was, was actually just created by me or my family, friends, relatives etc. 

I'm sorta freaking out, and I'm fully aware of this, which is funny and at the same time scary as hell.

[Javfly33]

23 minutes ago, meow_meow said:

To be honest - I feel afraid, it's sorta traumatising and awkward at the same time. It makes no sense, it's like almost this shouldnt be possible, but it's happening right now, How is this possible? I mean.. I cant even explain in words. It feels like shit has hit the fan, and at this point i sorta regret doing enlightenment work at all 

When being overwhelmed with thoughts of "how this even possible", I have find helpful to Inquiry, by what measure do I evaluate that something is supposed to be possible, or not?

I have find relatively easy to calm myself by realizing that reality itself, let's take for example an object, wouldn't care if reality would be the weirdest thing ever. Notice that is the mind that has something at stake, and that's why might find sometimes scary to discover certain aspects of how reality is.

Notice that there's nothing wrong in how reality could be, no matter how weird or twisted could be, since what makes it "twisted" is the opinion of your mind.

Try to feel like you would be an object and ask yourself, would I really feel scary that reality might turn upto be [x]? You'll find that it would be Ok, no matter what. ?

Edited May 29, 2020 by Javfly33

[Forestluv]

@meow_meow It can feel kinda freaky, yet it is the doorway to freedom and infinite creativity, which is pretty darn awesome. 

Here is Adya on the topic:

 

[meow_meow]

18 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

@meow_meow It can feel kinda freaky, yet it is the doorway to freedom and infinite creativity, which is pretty darn awesome. 

Here is Adya on the topic:

 

This was so accurate that I still can't believe what I'm hearing. I can't believe that this just happened. I never thought that this is what happens.

[WHO IS]

I guess Immortality was a lie he-he.

[Forestluv]

@meow_meow When my mind and body felt ungrounded and anxious, I found it helpful to relax the mind with grounding practices like yoga. Some forms of yoga like kriya and yin yoga are centered on relaxation of mind and body. As well, I found nonduality speakers that spoke of both the person and nonduality - for example Adyashanti and Lisa Cairns. 

[Kalki Avatar]

@meow_meow Just watch the story about enlightenment getting worse every time you dive deeper into all the unconcious garbage. Even watch the story about the story. Don't fall for the belief that its going to be hell. If you believe that, you kinda might experience it that way. Thats just the veil lifting up. After you cross it you will be in heaven (truth) for a while then fall back into darkness. And thats the journey, lifting the veil so many times, that full liberation is the result after so many trial and error.

Nevertheless, you still need courage to do this, cuz sometimes you will feel like dying. It takes more courage than going to war. If you ever thought alpha males are courageous, you are kiddin yourself. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by Kalki Avatar

[meow_meow]

17 hours ago, Kalki Avatar said:

@meow_meow Just watch the story about enlightenment getting worse every time you dive deeper into all the unconcious garbage. Even watch the story about the story. Don't fall for the belief that its going to be hell. If you believe that, you kinda might experience it that way. Thats just the veil lifting up. After you cross it you will be in heaven (truth) for a while then fall back into darkness. And thats the journey, lifting the veil so many times, that full liberation is the result after so many trial and error.

Nevertheless, you still need courage to do this, cuz sometimes you will feel like dying. It takes more courage than going to war. If you ever thought alpha males are courageous, you are kiddin yourself. 

Thanks for the advice mate, I feel a lot better today.. still a bit lost in thoughts, and todays meditation was a little less pleasant than usual..  also I feel a bit uncomfortable but that's just ego backlash IMO.

It'll still take a week or so to get used to what 'happened' and I'll continue with my enlightenment work, even tho I hate it at this moment. 

[VeganAwake]

@meow_meow There is no future destination to arrive at because the one seeking isn't real...

When this is recognized sometimes the seeking energy collapses back into the everything and nothing from which it arose.

This would be what's referred to as Awakening.

 

[meow_meow]

14 minutes ago, VeganAwake said:

@meow_meow There is no future destination to arrive at because the one seeking isn't real...

 

So now what?

This is quite disturbing actually, I'm getting used to watching as my inner voice is conflicting with itself when inner dialogue occurs and it says for example "I need to go to the bathroom or I need to wash the dishes" I'm aware that there is no I that could wash the dishes but the ego really doesnt like that thought, so an inner conflict arises for some period.. ehh.

[VeganAwake]

23 minutes ago, meow_meow said:

So now what?

This is quite disturbing actually, I'm getting used to watching as my inner voice is conflicting with itself when inner dialogue occurs and it says for example "I need to go to the bathroom or I need to wash the dishes" I'm aware that there is no I that could wash the dishes but the ego really doesnt like that thought, so an inner conflict arises for some period.. ehh.

Yes the ego or separate sense of self hates this message and it will never hear it... it will resist it all the way through. It cant imagine it's own unreality.

There is nothing to do because what is, is already the case.

There is still a conditioned body that will turn its head if it's name is called or jump out of the way of a moving train, or use the restroom when it has to.

 

 

[IAmTheHolySpirit]

Quote

I feel sick, I'm watching negative emotions flow trough me , and as I'm getting deeper into enlightent it just gets sorta worse.

Who feels sick? Who is watching negative emotions? Who is getting deeper into enlightenment?

You must clarify for the sake of truth. You can't be saying "There is no one to be enlightened" and then assume the identity "I feel sick" and believe these thoughts.

 

[meow_meow]

15 hours ago, IAmTheHolySpirit said:

Who feels sick? Who is watching negative emotions? Who is getting deeper into enlightenment?

You must clarify for the sake of truth. You can't be saying "There is no one to be enlightened" and then assume the identity "I feel sick" and believe these thoughts.

 

moew_moew (my nickname) feels sick, moew_moew watches his negative thoughts->emotions,moew_moew is getting deeper into elightenment ..  and that god damn emptiness, that moew_moew experienced, is sorta watching this.

Edited May 31, 2020 by meow_meow

[nistake]

On 2020. 05. 29. at 10:45 PM, Serotoninluv said:

@meow_meow It can feel kinda freaky, yet it is the doorway to freedom and infinite creativity, which is pretty darn awesome. 

Here is Adya on the topic:

This was a great talk. I quite like Adyashanti's attitude. He doesn't really mess around, he gives it to you straight in an everyday language. A lot of spiritual teachers tend to romanticize enlightenment as if it was a super-powerful blissful state that you can stay in 24/7. Which is not really the case.

Edited May 31, 2020 by nistake

[Member]

You can conquer death only if you're God. If you identify yourself with this mortal body, then you'll be dead. Death is a state of mind!