Nightmares

[JessiChell]

A friend reached out to me a few days ago and told me her and her boyfriend and another girl, hung out with my ex over the weekend. 

I don't know if my ex and this other girl were interested in each other. I'm thinking this girl wouldn't be his type because I've met her before. But either way it's really derailed me. 

I felt really strong sadness and jealousy today and I tried really hard to notice myself and the feeling and would let it pass. I meditate before bed but it doesn't matter. My nightmares come. 

I've just had my second nightmare of the night about him seeing other people and telling me he doesn't care about me. I try to meditate in-between them, doesnt work. It's like my mind will not shut off. If I manage to stop the thoughts and be mindful, which is what I did today, the nightmares just come back heavier. It's almost like my subconscious is waiting for me to fall asleep so it can torture me. 

I'm really tired and I want to sleep well without this. My nightmares have always been incredibly vivid and they started when my ex (of 8 years) before this cheated on me. He would turn off his phone for long periods of time while I tried to reach him. So in the nightmare it's always me trying to get ahold of them on the phone. Them being very shady and not being truthful. Always me begging for truth. It's an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

My biggest fear is being lied to in a relationship so it comes out in them. Sometimes the person on the other end is both of my exs combined. To make one scary, lying, demon man who doesnt care about me. 

What do I do if mindfulness, meditation and pushing thoughts out of my head doesnt work? 

I'm tired. I just want to sleep. 

Edited May 29, 2020 by JessiChell

[JosephKnecht]

You won't like my reply.

You seem obsessed with your ex. What is the root cause of such dependence? Why do you believe that any guy can make you happy? Try to contemplate on this. Write a journal. Think about it. 

Nobody can make you happy if you are not already happy yourself. Nobody can give you love if you don't love yourself. Learn how to love yourself first, and others will follow. Learn how to be happy, so you can give happiness to others.

You have created a story in your head that you need the guy to feel fulfilled. That story is fictional. You don't need him.

Oftentimes, when a guy treats a girl badly, the girl feels that the guy is above her so she feels she needs him. You don't need anyone that mistreats you. You must know what you are worth but nobody can tell you what you are worth. You must know it yourself.

In your posts, you are seeking attention, and that is why you are triggering some people. Try not to seek the attention of others, and give more attention to yourself.

I would suggest that you read a few books on relationships. Often times, people who have written books have already solved the problems that we suffer from.

[Lyubov]

Put on some calming music or some rain noise or do a guided meditation on falling asleep after a nightmare. Be your own parent and remind your inner child now is a time to rest. approach all this stuff later when you have a calmer mind. 

[JessiChell]

@JosephKnecht I know it's from lack of self love. That's why I meditate and do mindfulness work. I watch Leos video and am reading the "Untethered soul." 

I watch asmr to fall back asleep but the dreams still come. 

You say, "learn to love yourself" I'm doing every technique I've watched and read about to accomplish this. I've cut contact fully and havent spoken to him in 3 weeks now. During the day I'm usually fine. I'm not obsessed with him, but I think I was addicted to the relationship. 

"In your posts, you are seeking attention, and that is why you are triggering some people." I'm seeking answers to questions I havent found online or havent read in books yet. 

If my posts trigger you, maybe you can ask yourself why? If my posts were attention seeking, being that they are posted on a hidden forum (with very few people to get attention from), wouldnt that be a great place to post them to better ones self? 

I see what you're saying in terms of my posts. When a woman on Facebook starts posting about her relationship and how she feels, I think, "god she just wants attention." And she may or may not. But I dont post things like this on social media. My questions are valid and part of what I'm working on. No matter how annoying they may be to you and others. 

If I need attention, dont worry, I have a couple close friends and if I need male attention I can easily get it on social media platforms or dating sites. Here is not where I draw my attention from. 

 

 

[JessiChell]

@Lyubov Yeah, I watch asmr to fall asleep. Which I did then I had another one. I use headspace with guided meditation before asmr. But they keep coming. 

I'm just going to ride it out. Maybe they will stop in a few days. 

[4201]

3 hours ago, JessiChell said:

My biggest fear is being lied to in a relationship so it comes out in them. Sometimes the person on the other end is both of my exs combined. To make one scary, lying, demon man who doesnt care about me. 

What do I do if mindfulness, meditation and pushing thoughts out of my head doesnt work? 

On meditation, do you try and look at that fear or do you try to avoid it?

You are perhaps living a fantasy where you would wish your mind to be loving, peaceful, able to sleep and etc. But I don't believe you will find it by avoiding the issues that are preventing you from getting there. I think your issues need to be faced directly.

What I mean by directly is that when you sit in meditation and a fearful or otherwise emotion-packed thought arise you want to let it be, don't try to reject it or put it away. Observe it, consider whether the fear is rational. Take all of your worst case scenarios and try to see if that scenario would be that bad. Him making fun of you for feeling love in the past? That doesn't make you weak, that just makes him an asshole (the hypothetical him that would do that, because in reality this is probably not something someone would do).

This is just my opinion but I believe dreams are there to help you. They want you to experience your fears so you can move throught them and transcend them. Your nightmares might just be showing you what you are burying deep inside.

Edited May 29, 2020 by 4201

[Dumuzzi]

Heya Jessi,

Sorry to hear you are experiencing nightmares.

This is just how it looks from my point of view, so keep that in mind.

Your heart is still linked to your ex's via invisible energetic ties or bonds, which actually look like glowing tendrils. That is why breakups so hurt badly and people (and animals) can die of heartbreak. When we fall in love with someone, these energetic bonds link us together energetically and there is an exchange of energy, emotion, feeling and even thought, if the bond is deep enough.

Obviously, you still haven't gotten over your ex. If you want to get over him for good, you have to break those bonds and that will hurt like hell. This is when people often do something nasty to the other person to burn those bridges for good. Alternatively, there are rituals to cut such emotional bonds, though I only know this from hearsay, haven't done any myself. You could have an occultist perform one for you, or you could look one up online. You could also devise your own little personal ritual to give you closure (did you burn his photos and everything that remind you of him already?). We need these little rituals in life (like Marriage and Funerals) to give us closure and indicate to our subconscious mind that it is time to move on.

[JessiChell]

@4201

I want to say the fear is from abandonment and loneliness. I get that sinking feeling every so often and the book I'm reading says that's from fear of loneliness. 

But when I feel this, I focus on how my body feels. Next time i will try to use my thoughts as well. 

I know all fear is irrational. But I will talk myself through the irrationality next time. 

Thanks!

[JessiChell]

@Dumuzzi

Its funny you say that, two of my friends keep wanting to do this "red cord cutting" ceremony with me. 

I've been blowing it off because I dont believe in stuff like that. But when you put it in a sense of it being more of a ritual, like marriage, I like the idea of it. 

I'll call her today to set it up. Thank you for your advice 

[Dumuzzi]

@JessiChell Sounds like a plan! 

You're welcome.

[Leo Gura]

Meditation alone isn't gonna be enough. You'll want to dig into the fear to notice what at rock bottom this fear says about you, your life, and your identity.

Clearly this fear is serving your survival agenda in a deep way. It probably has to do with fears around never finding a guy to settle down with, being left for another girl, dying alone, being unlovable, etc.

All of that is grist for the mill of this work. Dig around and see what you're avoiding looking at. See what you're attached to.

Fears hide truths we don't want to face.

[JessiChell]

@Leo Gura

Okay, I will dig. 

I feel it could be several of these, if not all:

"never finding a guy to settle down with, being left for another girl, dying alone, being unlovable, etc." 

[Leo Gura]

10 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

@Leo Gura

Okay, I will dig. 

I feel it could be several of these, if not all:

"never finding a guy to settle down with, being left for another girl, dying alone, being unlovable, etc." 

You girls are predictable creatures

It's nothing personal. It's just your survival agenda. All fear stems from it.

[mandyjw]

@JessiChell The key to all relationship problems for women is this, pleasure. You're responsible for your own pleasure. Follow your dreams, do what you're passionate about. Make your life perfectly whole. Relationships are only another thing to add to something that's already fantastic. Women are responsible for the life of a relationship. Start really small, make a list of little things you love doing just for you and make a point to do three a day. Can be as seemingly pointless as funny youtube clips, painting your nails, looking at a family heirloom you love but haven't taken out in forever, etc. You'll find quickly that these seemingly meaningless things you do "just for you" evolve into much bigger breakthroughs, ideas and inspirations for life as a whole. 

When you're absolutely buried in emotions and thoughts about other people, my go-to is to go for a run. Instead of trying to block out the thoughts, I just let the thoughts go, let the punches go and come back to my surroundings and where I am once they run out of fuel behind them. It's usually seen that there really isn't much to the thoughts, that i didn't really believe them anyway but wanted to let them out. It helps a lot for both sleeping and moving emotional "energy" or whatever you want to call it. 

Good luck! 

[mmKay]

@Leo Gura  Little experience in relationships is one of my weak point so this may mostly be armchair philosphy but i'd like to hear your take on this "insight " :

Long story short, I used to have a massive crush on a girl and it would drive me nuts, make me depressed and feel extremely jealous when I saw her with other guys, making out  with them even imagining her having sex with others.

It was a real source of suffering for me . 

I even imagined scenarios where we would be together but she cheated on me with my best friend or even family members, which would make me suffer even more.

Yes , I used to be a monumental SIMP  lol. But my intuition tells me girls also obsess over guys in this excessive  creative way, so maybe this will help you in some way @JessiChell

Before I say anything , yes, you could argue that these are just imagination and mental exercises, but I feel there is a ton of value in experiencing this in a Mind, Body and Feelings - emotions Visualization exercise and fully accepting it, rather than simply discarding it as " but this won't work in an actuall real-life scenario" etc.

And I'd be willing to play devil's advocate and say that the potential for growth is as  just as high as going through the actual real life experience.

 

So, a huge release came when I applied detachment , Love and acceptance  to those imagination exercises. In real time, from one second to the another I felt this overwhelming sense of release and letting go.

What I did was Imagine all these things that make me suffer, see them in my minds eye and feel them in my body,  and deeply come to peace with them. Accept them, embrace them  and fully love them.

Basically accepting that I'm resisting those things and proceding to fully accepting them happening.

I Imagined many many possible scenarios that would make me suffer, like she hooking up with my brother, or  with my best friend, or  she getting gangbanged and enjoying it, etc etc ( feel free to substitute these for your personal painful imaginations , the richer and more detailed the better )

 

And I couldn't belive it! it was such a huge weight of my shoulders. Suddenly I was okay with all of these scenarios. I was completely open to the ideas of open relationships, polygamy, threesomes and even tag teaming her with my friends ( mentioning these because they specially triggered me ). I was okay with she being with me and also she not being with me.

I feel like that's where the actual jump happens from  "Codependency - She needing to be with me and me needing to be with her "- " Independence  one not needing the other, but in a repressive way of not being able to open up or not wanting to get hurt ,  and finally interdependence where both are fine with whatever happens and are free to leave whenever they want  and still being open, loving  and fully taking in the experience of eachother 

 

Most likely pragmatically such things would hinder healthy relationships or would requiere unrealistic base level of consciousnesness and detachment from both sides for it to work, but I really wish you develop the skill to experience this.

It's so beautiful and so amazing to be free of such suffering, and realizing that it was self-inflicted all along. You may look into Byron Katie books or her YouTube channel for a simple 1-2-3 formula, but the real growth is made at the level of deep feeling into your emotions and triggers.

Good luck!

[JessiChell]

@mmKay I will try very hard to make this short because I know I can get "wordy" and share too much. 

So I believe polygamy is actually how we are supposed to be in relationships. Theoretically, I think if we have absolute love and no desire to want to be in relationships then being friends and sleeping with them is the natural course. However, I don't see myself being poly any time soon. I'm very monogamous based. (But this could be from trauma) 

This is really personal but I care very little to nothing about posting my personal shit here. But I have sexual fantasies about my partners cheating on me. My ex (was in love with for 8 years) from before this ex, cheated on me, and after I found out, would fuck me and tell me how he fucked the girls he cheated on me with. It's kind of like he trained me to find it sexually arousing to be cheated on or to see my partner fantasizing about someone else. 

So I kept this fetish and put it into my last relationship in which I would talk about my partner fucking other women while he was also fucking me. He had a really big issue with it because it made him uncomfortable. In his last letter he sent to me, this was one of his reasons for justifying lying to me about his thoughts.

His words, "Not to mention the fact that when we have sex and/or when just talking about sexual fantasies, you made it well known and clear that you fantasize about me fucking other women with you and that you derive some sort of sick pleasure from the pain of seeing me with someone else. Even after I expressed my discomfort with THIS as well, stating that my position is it is inappropriate and I would never want to engage in any kind of sexual behavior like this regardless of it being another woman in addition to you or not because it would feel like cheating."

So yeah, I struggle with knowing if these fantasies are okay (?) or not and he obviously felt really uncomfortable with them even though I was really honest and stopped when he told me he was uncomfortable. I'm gonna end this response now because I need to tell Leo something. 

[JessiChell]

@Leo Gura  

Well, being predictable sounds like I'm not the only one. So it actually makes me feel better. lol 

Okay, I think, "being left for another girl" is the biggest one in my relationships that derail them. I believe it's from childhood, I won't go into it because it's too long. It was always me vs a prettier girl/more accomplished girl in the small community I grew up in. I think I stay with men who I know are not for me to prove to my ego I am good enough and that they don't want other women. 

Why else would I be hyper-focused on the way other women look and the way I look? Why else would I have completely lost it when he told me he thinks about other women? I'm always focused on being the most desired in the eyes of someone I love. But shouldn't you be the most desired in the eyes of someone you love?

Thinking I'm "unlovable" also, a fairly big one. But more so when I'm out of a relationship. And loneliness makes me afraid to leave. (But I'm working on loneliness and that's not as big of a monster.)

[JessiChell]

@mandyjw Thank you, Mandy. I know it doesn't sound like it from my emotional posts, but when I'm single I have a lot of hobbies and groups of people to hang out in. This break-up is just rough because I don't have my usual distractions and I found Leo's videos so I'd rather change than distract myself. 

I have a life purpose and am working on financial freedom. When I'm single, I have no desire to be in a relationship. I'm at peace. At the moment I'm detoxing from a relationship so I am all over the place. But before this, I was happy for over 2 years on my own. I'm starting to think I should stay away from men entirely because these issues only arise in relationships. 

I've been doing well but I think the conversation with my friend about him threw me off. I'll keep working on creating more abundance though. I need close-friends, closer. Most of them live far away. So I will work on this. 

I would be at the yoga studio every night then posting here but everything is closed. But they'll open back up soon. 

[Preety_India]

 

You could take a break from relationships for a while. If that's what the root is 

 

. 

[Amit]

@JessiChell Do it in your home, don't wait for the studio. Start meditating!