Enlightenment is not the way, happiness is

[deso]

Hey,

 

roughly two years ago I have seen the doorway to what would be called enlightenment. The moment the understanding came it blew me away, it was accompanied with tears, joy and laughter, but soon after that fear followed and I have realized what it would cost me if I would go through it.

With the key in my hands suddenly a lot of my interests fell apart. It was like seeing all the egoic programs that are in work at once. Which was kind of a hit in the face. I wasn’t near ready at this time for seeing these things, I was 20 then and had several psychological problems like OCD, anxiety disorder and depression that I had to deal with aswell.

What has happened was slight, but changed my whole perspective. My food cravings changed, animal products didn‘t taste good anymore and my body responded with pain and resistance when eating them, sugar brought up a sharp pain in my head. The same goes with alcohol. I nearly lost all of my interests. I always felt alone, this made me feel even more alone. I lost interest in socialising, I lost interest in music, in partying, hobbies and whatnot.

I feel like I pursued this whole enlightenment stuff out of the wrong reasons. I didn’t pursue it because it made me happier, I did so because I thought it would make me happier. The lack was somewhere else. I didn’t listen to what feeling was telling me and it told me to stop just before I had some of the greater insights. I went way too far. I had so many dreams and ideas. Now my ‘old life’ is over and I can’t get over it, because it would have been great had I just listened to feeling. It now just all vanished.

Another problem that adds up is that I got circumcised last year and am highly unsatisfied with the result. I met several urologists and surgeons, read a lot of articles and talked to other people, but there simply is no procedure to fix this. Walking is uncomfortable, I’m getting annoyed by it doing sports, my sex life is suffering because it is oftentimes accompanied with pain, which leads to even more depression. I would gladly kill myself at this point.

I feel the only way to repair this physical damage would be either to wait for regenerative medicine, which is still too far away or believe the teachings of Abraham Hicks about regenerating limbs, which seem to be a money grab for desperate people or becoming like Jesus and being able to transform the physical just by imagination. All of these are highly unlikely scenarios.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I made hell out of my life. I had the opportunity to live a great life and I threw it away. Everyday I just think about pulling the trigger because my life is fucked up beyond repair. I eliminated the most important things in my life and I‘m rather dead than having to live like this.

Edited May 29, 2020 by deso

[WHO IS]

What if there is more to life/existence then just living like an ordinary homo-sapien which is an animal species. 

The things you listed, are animal cravings, meat, sugar, sex etc., these things are craved by the animal body in our cases the animal bodies we have are homo-sapien.

However, we have to make a distinction, are we our bodies or are we something else entirely that is connected to the body at this point? Try to ask yourself, who you are? Are you the brain? Where in the brain is YOU? The thing is the brain is made of many-many cells, which of those cells is You? But the cell is made of atoms, so which of those atoms contains You? An atom is made of etc...

You see, we cant even locate where "We" actually are in the body, BUT the alternative is that what makes You - you, and what makes Me - me is not the homo-sapien body, even though we have control over our individual bodies. 

Now please consider this, would You call yourself a Conscious individual? If yes, then do you think it is a conscious existence to live one's life by doing the things which the homo-sapien body craves. The body wants sex and You just follow its orders, it wants sugar You follow its order etc.

Don't You see that, it seems then that it is the body that dictates your life and You just obey its command and don't actually take conscious control over your life/existence. 

Why not start living consciously and see that the fact that you don't enjoy "animalistic-desires" of the body might be a blessing and NOT  a curse. 

 

[traveler]

You're living in what could've been and what once was. Are the past and future real? Can THIS be other than it is? Is there actually a problem if you don't think about it? 

[deso]

@WHO IS but what it comes down to in the end imo is being happy. I wasn‘t happy, ‚animal cravings‘ and going outside, studying, making money, dreaming high, building a life, just being a teenager for some time would have been the way.

It’s true that those are only cravings from a lower consciousness if you just react and give into impulses, but is this a bad thing? I don’t think there’s any difference, only judgement that is. Follow this approach until another perspective can come. I also don’t think that god gave us this body to not enjoy it, even when reaching higher states of consciousness. Your body is still your vehicle, why not enjoy it? You don‘t have to obey it, you may just use it out of pure enjoyment and true will. The embodiment of god if you will. 

What does it matter if there is no difference between A and Z? There’s only left what feels good to you and what not. And feeling will guide you like nobody else can. It takes utterly deep honesty to know what you really want, what really resonates with you in the moment. But not everybody wants enlightenment. Not everybody is ready to go the way.

My gut was extremely resistant towards continuing to seek for enlightenment, still I didn’t listen. I continued and now my world is turned upside down. I made myself unhappy, I made everybody around me unhappy. I live a life that I don’t want and I can’t return.

I think god doesn’t really care for enlightenment specifically, but he cares for growth that gradually leads you to more happiness and love (which then will eventually bring you back home). And I think everything has it’s place if you do it for the right reasons. It seems to be not so important what you do, but why you do it.

Edited May 29, 2020 by deso

[deso]

@traveler no, there isn‘t really .. but still this life doesn‘t fit my will. It‘s like a stranger made decisions for myself, because I wasn‘t there. I wasn‘t honest.

[Bluebird]

@deso

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I live a life that I don’t want and I can’t return.

You are responsible for your life. It took a high level of commitment to get you where you are. 

You are quite correct, you can't return. Nobody ever can, the flow of time is forwards, not backwards.

Does this mean you are stuck? Doomed to be the way you are at this point in time. Or still on the journey? The past doesn't dictate the future. You do! 

Where will this journey lead? Who knows. 

I bet that if you really wanted to be happy again, you could be, you could make the choice. So, do you want to make the decision to be happy?

Also, consider that to be able to give up music, food, social takes a SERIOUS degree of persistence and dedication to what you are doing. You think you got nothing out of that, I call bullshit. I'd bet you grew from that in unique ways that you probably no longer even recognise.

You don't have to respect yourself for that, but I do.

 

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 I went way too far. I don’t know what to do anymore. I had the opportunity to live a great life and I threw it away. Everyday I just think about pulling the trigger because my life is fucked up beyond repair. I eliminated the most important things in my life and I‘m rather dead than having to live like this.

Ah, the beauty of a clean slate, fresh possibility. Too far, or exactly this far. What do you mean by too far? Hello, you're as far as we all are, which is sitting looking at a computer screen. That's it. We've all got problems, feel sad at times, think about dumb stuff, watch movies and tv, wonder what it could have been like. Well, maybe I'm the only one ?

Had the opportunity to live a great life? Did it fly away into the heavens or something. You're in your early 20s I'm guessing. Based on my reading of you, you're dedicated to what you focus on. Willing to go "all in" so to speak. Sounds to me like enlightenment was important to you, so you eliminated the things that you felt weren't in support of that.

If that's changed, which it sounds like it has, shift towards what's important to you now. I believe in you. Take some time to chill if you like. Did a stranger really make decisions for you. Or was it actually you all along, being as honest as you could be at the time. And now, you're at a deeper level of self-honesty

The journey is always changing brother, and there's no hurry. Here's some musical goodness to kickstart the next phase.

 

With love and mad respect , from me to you,

Jack ♥️ ?

[Javfly33]

 

14 hours ago, deso said:

Now my ‘old life’ is over and I can’t get over it, because it would have been great had I just listened to feeling. It now just all vanished.

[ ... ]I had the opportunity to live a great life and I threw it away.

You´re not being honest in that and you know it.

 

Edited May 29, 2020 by Javfly33

[Spaceofawareness]

I think you are having a strong ego backlash, and it’s okay. I’ve recently been getting this as well, after pursuing self inquiry for close to a year now. You have to be sure of where you are looking from, are you looking from the I Am at the negative thoughts which the ego is throwing up, or are you looking directly from the ego? It sounds like the latter. It’s all part of the play, but it sounds like the ego is winning and trying to draw you back to your old life.

It sounds like you gave up a lot to be where you are now, and you have been going through some changes. If the ego senses that you aren’t doing anything to keep moving forward, it will step back in with guilt, regret and self hate. It’s a sneaky one and once it gets a hold of you it’s hard to break out unless you can realise it’s at its tricks again. Remember where you really are. The suffering you are feeling is a result of clinging to the old life. Anything is possible if you want it, but now you have awoken to the reality of the reasons behind much of our choices, and the true hollowness of most of our motivations and desires. 

There needs to be a new alignment of your goals with your current mode of being. The ego senses you aren’t taking the reigns and have drifted off its chosen path, this could be why it is poking its nose back in, or it could also be that you just had a quite big insight and it’s come to drag you back. Even though it’s all an illusion, you can choose your illusion, or at least have the appearance of choosing the illusion.

The thought of wanting to end it all is the desperation of being out of alignment, and a sense of being out of control. But we are never truly in control, we just have an illusion of control. Much of what comes our way is luck. The rest is the illusion of control. But the illusion of control is different to the illusion of lack of control, they are both illusions but the difference is still important to the outcome of the dream. You control the dream. 

You might have some soul searching to do, to realign your goals and motivations with your new mode of being. Do what needs to be done there but be true to yourself and do what makes you happy.

[deso]

@Dutch guy Thank you for your effort, I really appreciate this and it might be something that could help. But to me this is just one of the most depressing things ever. It’s not only when having sex, it’s overall extremely annoying.

I somehow believe in regenerating the physical body with consciousness. Probably because this thought is my only hope for that issue. But at the same time I just can’t really believe it, there simply is no evidence for any miraculous kind of healing in this world and I feel like wasting my time trying to ‘break’ the rules of our existence.

[LfcCharlie4]

12 hours ago, Meta-Man said:

Yep, that’s why my teacher says to forget about realization and enlightenment and put the focus on happiness instead. Actual enlightenment = happiness. And actual happiness is not dependent on external coordinates. 

 

????????

Then as good old Francis says, life becomes a celebration. 
 

For some that means meditating in a cave or ashram, for others it means having a family and for others playing tennis and talking about Non-Duality  

@deso My advice would be to solely focus on happiness, focus on the fundamentals first and get the basics in check to help you feel better- food, diet, lifestyle, exercise. 
 

Maybe try reconnecting with some friends to chat about how you feel, and build some relationships up. 
 

Awakening doesn’t mean you have to give up everything though, for some ot happens naturally, for others they actually do more post awakening, so don’t think you have to give up all of your life, you are actually free to live life deeper than you ever have before! 

[traveler]

13 hours ago, deso said:

@traveler no, there isn‘t really .. but still this life doesn‘t fit my will. It‘s like a stranger made decisions for myself, because I wasn‘t there. I wasn‘t honest.

Yea, you were never there. You must be tired of always manipulating whatever is happening to fit into your story. You're not here. "this is the game of life". - Daft Punk

[deso]

@Bluebird but what does it serve if I would have rather sticked to my old reality? I didn’t want to give up all these things, I just had no choice other then that, because I lost interest in them.

I didn’t pursue enlightenment because I necessarily wanted it so much. It was out of a lack of happiness that I thought nothing else but this could give me anymore. I didn’t really make the choice, the choice came out of a misunderstanding on what was actually the issue. Believe me I would have been happy without all of this had I been honest. I was only unhappy because I was thinking too much and didn’t move forward. I was overthinking to the degree that I was completely cut off of my emotions. There was no direct experience of things anymore. I only thought about what I could want and nothing invoked any kind of feeling, because how should it.

I was not honest with what truly, genuinely felt good to me. At some point I was so cut off of my feelings that I always tried to reach higher. I felt like I needed fo be something for the world. But what did I truly need? I never gave myself the chance to speak and now I have damaged and lost myself to the degree that I don’t even want to ask anymore.

[Bluebird]

@deso I understand. Your journey seems to mimic my own, I only passed through this realisation recently.

Not an easy one to accept, I had to confront a lot of stuff in myself. Spirituality doesn't make me better than anyone else, it won't necessarily make me happy.

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I was overthinking to the degree that I was completely cut off of my emotions

I get it.

 

 

 

 

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I was not honest with what truly, genuinely felt good to me. At some point I was so cut off of my feelings that I always tried to reach higher. I felt like I needed fo be something for the world. But what did I truly need?

You had to do it to get the lesson.  Stop fighting it for a second and realise that you're not special. Everyone goes through this shit, it's called life. Have you ACTUALLY learned not to ignore your feelings and happiness? Or are you gonna keep doing it, like you probably are now, just in reverse.

Let me ask you this:

What truly, genuinely feels good to you right now?

What do you truly need?

Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

With enlightenment you don't understand what the price is until it's too late and you're already paying it.

Yes, you eliminate suffering, but happiness is the price. That is, happiness in the conventional sense.

What has been seen cannot be unseen. I think your only choice is to carry on. 

As to your operation, that thing is really sensitive. But sooner or later you'll get used to it.

[deso]

6 hours ago, EnlightenmentBlog said:

What has been seen cannot be unseen. I think your only choice is to carry on.

That’s my point. I wanted something different out of life. I just didn’t allow myself to be happy and now I’m left over with something that I can’t unsee, but also don’t want. My old life is simply not possible anymore. I still cling to what my ego wanted me to do, but I wanted to live from that perspective. It would have made me happy. This doesn’t.

6 hours ago, EnlightenmentBlog said:

As to your operation, that thing is really sensitive. But sooner or later you'll get used to it.

It fucked my live even more. I’m a highly sexual person. Not being able to comfortably have sex has destroyed my world.

If god is omniscient, but not able to regenerate body parts that’s it for me. It just doesn’t make sense. No matter how you turn it. If physical healing is not possible through the mind that simultaneously seems to be everything, then all of this is just the biggest shithousery ever.

I fucked up so bad and I just can’t accept it. No love will bring my physical health back.

[Javfly33]

15 minutes ago, deso said:

That’s my point. I wanted something different out of life. I just didn’t allow myself to be happy and now I’m left over with something that I can’t unsee, but also don’t want. My old life is simply not possible anymore. I still cling to what my ego wanted me to do, but I wanted to live from that perspective. It would have made me happy. This doesn’t.

It fucked my live even more. I’m a highly sexual person. Not being able to comfortably have sex has destroyed my world.

If god is omniscient, but not able to regenerate body parts that’s it for me. It just doesn’t make sense. No matter how you turn it. If physical healing is not possible through the mind that simultaneously seems to be everything, then all of this is just the biggest shithousery ever.

I fucked up so bad and I just can’t accept it. No love will bring my physical health back.

Why don't you surrender to the truth after realizing you don't exist?

Seems to be masochistic to keep that attitude bro. Although I do understand if you are having an ego-backlash because of this sex thing . If It makes you feel good, I'm a virgin, and God doesn't guarantee me that I will have sex before I die ??

Edited May 30, 2020 by Javfly33

[deso]

@Dutch guy and still you need a functioning dick for it.

[deso]

@Javfly33 God can fuck off if he gives me everything only to take it away completely. If there is no reason like Jesus like powers behind all of that then really fuck god. Fuck me.

[Javfly33]

7 minutes ago, deso said:

@Javfly33 God can fuck off if he gives me everything only to take it away completely. If there is no reason like Jesus like powers behind all of that then really fuck god. Fuck me.

Your only solution will be Realizing that you are God then.

Surrender to God = Realize you are him the whole time

Edited May 30, 2020 by Javfly33

[Inliytened1]

4 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Your only solution will be Realizing that you are God then.

Surrender to God = Realize you are him the whole time

Bingo.

@deso You are stuck in thinking egoic desires bring happiness.  That is not true happiness.   Your trapped in the egoic mind.  It's one thing to live in duality - it is yet another to be trapped in it.