20 Years Of Repressed Emotions Finally Bursting Out. Any Advice?

[Philip]

When I was young, my parents were busy with their problems and weren't particularly developed or conscious people. They didn't find much time to get involved with my passions or what I had to say. So I interpreted that as: "I'm not an interesting person, so I'll just fade in the background and not disturb anyone" Also, like most children, I wasn't taken very seriously when I was angry or sad. I interpreted that as: "I should never be angry or annoying, I should always be the nice little dude in the corner who always smiles and agrees with everyone" And I kind of succeeded at that.

Like any other human being, I was angry sometimes. I got annoyed. I got sad. I got lonely. I got confused. I got worried. I got stressed. The problem is, I didn't express it for almost 20 years. For christ's sake, I didn't cry a single time from 9 years old to 19 years old. I haven't yelled at anyone since I was a child. When a kid punched me, I kept on smiling and trying to be nice with him. When I got insulted, I just laughed and said: "good one". I kept everything inside, trying to avoid conflict at all cost. 

And now it's time to pay the price. I've been doing around a hundred hours of meditation by now. I recently had deep emotional conversations with my siblings about the problems in my childhood and all the emotions that are still haunting me, hidden in the shadow of multiple layers of repression and rationalizations. I've been slacking off my weed consumption, which helps me clear my mind even more. So now the curtains are open. Now I can feel this enormous storm of pain, anger and sadness coming towards me. I'm not sure how long it will last. I'm not sure if I'm ready to face it all yet.

All I know is that it's coming. Twice last week, I was on the verge of panic attacks. I never had any panic attack before. All week, I cried almost everyday, I screamed and I shaked. All feelings that I had almost forgotten by now.

I don't need pity. I don't need consolation. I don't need support. I need advice. I need truth. And all I can give you in return is my trust. So don't mess with it.

[Ayla]

@Philip , you might find this topic helpful:

 

[Mal]

@Philip

Hi Philip,

My advice is get off the weed entirely. Go cold turkey and start to look after your body. You can't do work like this with a questionable physical system. 

Another thing is stick with the meditation, or some form of grounding, because you want to stop yourself being taken over intellectually by these feelings.  

 

[egoeimai]

Philip just watch 2 videos from leo.

Neurotic something and morality.

[Allinthemind]

Expect more panic attacks as you come off the weed, but the sooner you are off it, the sooner you will be really dealing with your issues.

[mgi0077]

Take this advice.  Do not resist the pain.  Invite it. Let it come.  I know this is very uncomfortable but this is just a process of releasing all that garbage that was accumulated all those years.  I resonate with what you've gone through because I too, had emotions repressed because of outside influence (parents and siblings saying that men shouldn't express how they feel).  What I did to get rid of all those negative emotions (and still doing) is to very conscious of them when they come (notice them) and then let them go.  Basically, I used the Sedona Method which I highly recommend.  Look it up for yourself and I'm almost certain it'll help you out.  Good Luck and keep going.

[Philip]

So far, the emotional storm seems to be quite supportable. I started crying at least a little bit every two days or so. I'm starting to see expressions on my face that I never saw before. I mostly experience sadness, loneliness, stress, fear, uncomfort, shame, guilt and a little bit of anger. I suspect more anger to emerge along the way, as it's definitely the emotion that's the least compatible with my self-image since I'm young. I also have a lot of new and unknown positive emotions that come up, like deep gratitude, awe, passion, relief, freedom and satisfaction.

While I'm at work and I'm able to surf the emotion in an almost meditative state, I notice that most clients are impressed by my presence, my kindness and general vibe like never before. Not to brag, but the level of positive validation I received from clients was already pretty unusual. Now it just gets off the charts sometimes.

Now, I have murderous ideas sometimes about one supervisor at work who hurts my feelings strongly and repetitively. I also decided to make a complain against him for psychological harassment, which I could have never done before, because I was always telling myself that I'm strong enough to endure even the most manipulative asshole.

I haven't smoked weed since the last message. And I don't even feel like I'm disciplining myself. It seems to come quite naturally.

Two days ago, I totally broke my meditation record. Before, I had never done more that 90 minutes of strong determination sitting. Basically, I do those sessions perfectly, except for a few facial expressions I'm not able to contain or like a short spasm in my fingers. But two days ago, I did a whole 3 hours 5 minutes without moving my legs or torso one time. I just had a shaky breathing and muscular tensions during the last hour, because of the emotional distress.

I decided to consult with a psychologist to make sure I don't do anything stupid with my life. Also to help me express my feelings and guide me.

Finally, thanks to all of you who read or responded. I really like this forum and the whole actualized.org community. Feel free to give me advice or to share similar experiences you had. I'll respond with more soon.

[Emerald]

On 7/14/2016 at 3:45 AM, Philip said:

When I was young, my parents were busy with their problems and weren't particularly developed or conscious people. They didn't find much time to get involved with my passions or what I had to say. So I interpreted that as: "I'm not an interesting person, so I'll just fade in the background and not disturb anyone" Also, like most children, I wasn't taken very seriously when I was angry or sad. I interpreted that as: "I should never be angry or annoying, I should always be the nice little dude in the corner who always smiles and agrees with everyone" And I kind of succeeded at that.

Like any other human being, I was angry sometimes. I got annoyed. I got sad. I got lonely. I got confused. I got worried. I got stressed. The problem is, I didn't express it for almost 20 years. For christ's sake, I didn't cry a single time from 9 years old to 19 years old. I haven't yelled at anyone since I was a child. When a kid punched me, I kept on smiling and trying to be nice with him. When I got insulted, I just laughed and said: "good one". I kept everything inside, trying to avoid conflict at all cost. 

And now it's time to pay the price. I've been doing around a hundred hours of meditation by now. I recently had deep emotional conversations with my siblings about the problems in my childhood and all the emotions that are still haunting me, hidden in the shadow of multiple layers of repression and rationalizations. I've been slacking off my weed consumption, which helps me clear my mind even more. So now the curtains are open. Now I can feel this enormous storm of pain, anger and sadness coming towards me. I'm not sure how long it will last. I'm not sure if I'm ready to face it all yet.

All I know is that it's coming. Twice last week, I was on the verge of panic attacks. I never had any panic attack before. All week, I cried almost everyday, I screamed and I shaked. All feelings that I had almost forgotten by now.

I don't need pity. I don't need consolation. I don't need support. I need advice. I need truth. And all I can give you in return is my trust. So don't mess with it.

My advice is to let the emotions hit you like a bus. It might be overwhelming, but it's what your mind-body complex needs to heal itself. The psyche, like the skin, is self-healing. It already does what it needs to heal itself without the conscious mind needing to get involved. Just like breathing and heartbeats, it happens no matter what as long as nothing is getting in its way. So, you have to get out of its way. You have habitual thought patterns that act as shields which numb out emotions but don't allow them to be resolved completely. So, the main thing is to be non-interventional, accepting, and aware of all the emotions that are coming up. You have a deeply ingrained habit of ignoring emotions and resisting them at all costs and hiding from them or sugar-coating them or finding ways to make yourself feel better. Be mindful and aware enough to stop doing these things, and allow whatever wants to come up, no matter how painful or embarrassing. Let the emotions get you, and be the observer.

[Philip]

15 minutes ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

You have a deeply ingrained habit of ignoring emotions and resisting them at all costs and hiding from them or sugar-coating them or finding ways to make yourself feel better.

@Emerald Wilkins My problem is pretty confusing and paradoxical.

I have a bunch of parts of me that I don't like. Emotions that I'm ashamed of feeling. Flaws that make me feel weak and underdeveloped. Problems that "I should already be over with". Red flags that "I should have noticed earlier". All parts of reality that I rarely take the time to face. I mostly prefer distracting myself from them. Or restructuring my model of reality to make them look like they fit in or like everything is perfect.

And the main sugar-coating I'm using, the main distraction, is self-help. Self-help is both my worst problem and my best solution. How ironic is that?

Every progress I make is a new enemy I have to face. Every technique I try requires another technique to control it. Every intention become detention. Every tool is a trap. My own mind is a huge ball of bullshit trying to kill itself.

And I hate that I'm loving it. Even though I'm lost like I've never been before, only because I finally found a path that seems to lead somewhere.

But anyways, thanks for reading the bullshit I write, but don't even believe in. Cheers.

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Philip said:

@Emerald Wilkins My problem is pretty confusing and paradoxical.

I have a bunch of parts of me that I don't like. Emotions that I'm ashamed of feeling. Flaws that make me feel weak and underdeveloped. Problems that "I should already be over with". Red flags that "I should have noticed earlier". All parts of reality that I rarely take the time to face. I mostly prefer distracting myself from them. Or restructuring my model of reality to make them look like they fit in or like everything is perfect.

And the main sugar-coating I'm using, the main distraction, is self-help. Self-help is both my worst problem and my best solution. How ironic is that?

Every progress I make is a new enemy I have to face. Every technique I try requires another technique to control it. Every intention become detention. Every tool is a trap. My own mind is a huge ball of bullshit trying to kill itself.

And I hate that I'm loving it. Even though I'm lost like I've never been before, only because I finally found a path that seems to lead somewhere.

But anyways, thanks for reading the bullshit I write, but don't even believe in. Cheers.

I relate to the hating that I'm loving it feeling. When I was in college, I had a year where everything got turned around for me. My life basically fell apart in the worst ways that I could have imagined, and chaos ensued and put salt on all of my deepest wounds. It popped a bubble inside of me and all the demons previously trapped there, ran amok. But there was a freshness there that was really 'delicious' is the only word I can think to describe it. Life had a bit of magic to it, that it didn't used to have. It was like the other side of the pillow... but it was also hell. Now, I have settled into a new norm which is quite a bit healthier. But I still have a lot more purging to do.

So, definitely keep pushing your awareness of the emotions. But don't use any other techniques to mitigate their effects unless you're in a public situation or some place less than ideal to express the emotions. When you're alone though, just let them hit you without distracting yourself from them or attempting to dull them out. Cheers!

[Philip]

7 hours ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

But don't use any other techniques to mitigate their effects unless you're in a public situation or some place less than ideal to express the emotions.

@Emerald Wilkins I had an emotional event happen during my job this week. Even as I was working at customer service, I had to talk to like fifty clients and I was clearly on the verge of tears the whole time. I had a shaky voice and shaky lips but I was staying professional and kind.

Also, I have a moment of ten seconds per client in which I don't need to talk or do anything. So I used those and also each and every other moment to "meditate", using my emotional pain as the object of contemplation.

It seems like sadness acts out mostly around my jaw, throat and torso areas. It was pretty intense, so it was really easy to notice. Also, clients kept on giving me lots of positive validation. But before, when I was less emotionally aware, the smallest piece of sadness was able to "throw me off my game" and make people avoid eye contact with me, be impatient with me, not trust that I'm making a good job, etc.

So I definitely can see A LOT of positive in this raising of awareness that I'm going through. The emotional release feels just so real and vivid. I feel like living again. But I don't quite see why you used the word

7 hours ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

'delicious'

Also, second question, do you have a video on your channel that you recommend for my situation?

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, Philip said:

@Emerald Wilkins I had an emotional event happen during my job this week. Even as I was working at customer service, I had to talk to like fifty clients and I was clearly on the verge of tears the whole time. I had a shaky voice and shaky lips but I was staying professional and kind.

Also, I have a moment of ten seconds per client in which I don't need to talk or do anything. So I used those and also each and every other moment to "meditate", using my emotional pain as the object of contemplation.

It seems like sadness acts out mostly around my jaw, throat and torso areas. It was pretty intense, so it was really easy to notice. Also, clients kept on giving me lots of positive validation. But before, when I was less emotionally aware, the smallest piece of sadness was able to "throw me off my game" and make people avoid eye contact with me, be impatient with me, not trust that I'm making a good job, etc.

So I definitely can see A LOT of positive in this raising of awareness that I'm going through. The emotional release feels just so real and vivid. I feel like living again. But I don't quite see why you used the word

Also, second question, do you have a video on your channel that you recommend for my situation?

Here is my most recent video that should help with the reintegration/healing process. But awareness of the sensations that come up in the body is the most important part of the method. So, it's definitely a good thing that you're getting awareness on where the pain is located and meditating on that pain. But getting the mind in the right place is important too, and I talk about that too. I call that time "delicious" because all of the purging of old patterns and dysfunctional things in my life was unpleasant, but it opened up so many new possibilities and new emotions. It was like the darkness and negativity of that time gave birth to a lot of positive emotions and life took on a very interesting charge. 

[charlie2dogs]

17 hours ago, Philip said:

So far, the emotional storm seems to be quite supportable. I started crying at least a little bit every two days or so. I'm starting to see expressions on my face that I never saw before. I mostly experience sadness, loneliness, stress, fear, uncomfort, shame, guilt and a little bit of anger. I suspect more anger to emerge along the way, as it's definitely the emotion that's the least compatible with my self-image since I'm young. I also have a lot of new and unknown positive emotions that come up, like deep gratitude, awe, passion, relief, freedom and satisfaction.

While I'm at work and I'm able to surf the emotion in an almost meditative state, I notice that most clients are impressed by my presence, my kindness and general vibe like never before. Not to brag, but the level of positive validation I received from clients was already pretty unusual. Now it just gets off the charts sometimes.

Now, I have murderous ideas sometimes about one supervisor at work who hurts my feelings strongly and repetitively. I also decided to make a complain against him for psychological harassment, which I could have never done before, because I was always telling myself that I'm strong enough to endure even the most manipulative asshole.

I haven't smoked weed since the last message. And I don't even feel like I'm disciplining myself. It seems to come quite naturally.

Two days ago, I totally broke my meditation record. Before, I had never done more that 90 minutes of strong determination sitting. Basically, I do those sessions perfectly, except for a few facial expressions I'm not able to contain or like a short spasm in my fingers. But two days ago, I did a whole 3 hours 5 minutes without moving my legs or torso one time. I just had a shaky breathing and muscular tensions during the last hour, because of the emotional distress.

I decided to consult with a psychologist to make sure I don't do anything stupid with my life. Also to help me express my feelings and guide me.

Finally, thanks to all of you who read or responded. I really like this forum and the whole actualized.org community. Feel free to give me advice or to share similar experiences you had. I'll respond with more soon.

Philip, i feel your pain,  you have become so attached to the pain body, with all these repressed emotions that they are now choking the life out of you.  you need to step back from your human body and take a good look at it,   this human identity that is philip, is not the real being in this drama and all this drama is being created by the human identity and ego.  if you are able to take that step back and look at the identity body, and realize that the real part of you is the one doing the seeing of this,  you will discover there is no pain there, no drama there, no conflict there, it is a place of peace, the drama is in the identity body that you are playing the part of.  look at all the drama, repressed emotions and feeling closely, look at what they are doing to you, and ask yourself what am i doing holding on to all of this when the real me is not this physical body and i dont have to exist as a victim of these things, see this, contemplate it, and if you can experience the real part of you, this other stuff will begin to dissolve and flow away from you, you will actually just drop it and see yourself as you really are and not the one suffering.  at that point the pain in the physical body will begin to dissolve,  what is manifest in the flesh was created in consciousness before it was manifest in the flesh, so now we have to return to consciousness to begin a cleansing process with will begin to heal the human body.