I suffer from low self esteem /worth!

[Preety_India]

I have always found myself struggling with self esteem issues. (Some of these arise from my childhood where I was constantly told that I wasn't good enough or that I didn't deserve anything). 

I still carry some of the baggage even as an adult. I get a deep sense of vulnerability and fear when I open up to people about myself. 

I constantly suffer from the feeling like I'm not good enough or I don't deserve anything whether it's love or happiness or any sort of praise or encouragement. 

How do I deal with this? 

Are there ways to kinda improve your self esteem /self worth? 

(I don't have any self esteem issues regarding my appearance or body because I look good and many people tell me that. My self esteem issues are related to self worth, existence, identity, work, relationship related) 

 

My self respect is high. But my self esteem is low. That is I suffer from feelings of inadequacy or I don't know the word for this, it's un-deservedness, if there is such a word or similar to it. The feeling that I might be inherently lacking something or not deserving because of the lack. 

Like I'm not good enough or others deserve better than me and a feeling of self sabotage or self doubt 

When I say what I'm not afraid to say out loud, it's just me  being dignified and authentic about my expression and straightforward-ness. 

I can describe it as a feeling of melancholic self pity, or self-destructive feelings,

Thoughts like "anyway I'm doomed" "nobody should love me" or "everything is my fault" even if I know that it wasn't my fault. 

Living in self - misery and being masochistic about it. 

 And thinking "it's okay, I anyways deserved it." 

This is the best way I can describe my states of mind or feelings. 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2020 by Preety_India

[BjarkeT]

I got the impression from reading your post's that you seem to have high self-esteem since you weren't afraid to say what you thought out loud. But I think it may come down to self-respect. Not sure if that helps. 

These videos might help:

 

[Preety_India]

@BjarkeT

I understand what you mean. But that part of me is related to self respect. I have very high self respect. I don't even talk to people who are disrespectful. 

But there is a clear distinction between self respect and self esteem.. 

My self respect is high. But my self esteem is low. That is I suffer from feelings of inadequacy or I don't know the word for this, it's un-deservedness, if there is such a word or similar to it. The feeling that I might be inherently lacking something or not deserving because of the lack. 

Like I'm not good enough or others deserve better than me and a feeling of self sabotage or self doubt 

When I say what I'm not afraid to say out loud, it's just me  being dignified and authentic about my expression and straightforward-ness. 

I can describe it as a feeling of melancholic self pity, or self-destructive feelings,

Thoughts like "anyway I'm doomed" "nobody should love me" or "everything is my fault" even if I know that it wasn't my fault. 

Living in self - misery and being masochistic about it. 

 And thinking "it's okay, I anyways deserved it." 

This is the best way I can describe my states of mind or feelings. 

Edited May 27, 2020 by Preety_India

[mandyjw]

I think almost everyone here has those thoughts of "not good enough", I sure do. You're most definitely not alone.  Don't try to get rid of them, just watch the thoughts and how they try to get you to go along with them and believe that they define you. We all have a purpose, and we all will fulfill that purpose perfectly, no matter what we "do". You can't get this wrong, so go ahead and dream up the life you want. Observe the thoughts that say otherwise and let them go. 

[Preety_India]

@Keyhole

Growing up when I was 7 years old my mom wouldn't hug me or alienate me. I started to depend on her affection or validation or acceptance. 

But things got worse. She became abusive with time and when I was 12 years old, she would repeatedly tell me statements like "I should have aborted you" "you shouldn't have been born", "you are the mistake of my life, you'll never amount to anything" "you are worthless, you just can't do it"... She stopped hugging me and would never bring me close. In fact when I got very good grades she would say "that's not a big thing".. This is not an indian culture thing because kids in my neighborhood and classroom were treated very opposite by their moms. They were loved, hugged and constantly praised and encouraged by their moms. I used to feel very strange looking at their moms interacting with them and then comparing it to how my mom treated me in contrast. I would try very hard to earn my mother's respect and attention and praise but she would never let me. Over time in my teens I began to internalize this as "this must be my fault, maybe I am not good enough, that's why my mom doesn't love me", I began to carry an inner sense of guilt and blame that somehow I am the reason why she can't love me. I would get feelings like "why even bother to try, you are anyways a failure, your mom has already proved that" this feeling would come to me like an inner voice from the back of my head, warning me that whatever I do, my shadows will defeat me. 

It became like a self defeating cycle. Over time I became too defensive and I constantly engaged in pumping my ego to escape these thoughts. I did positive affirmations to retrain my brain to believe that I'm good enough, that I'm better. I have done a decent job of propping myself on my own in the absence of family support. 

But I Still struggle a lot. Like if someone pays me a compliment, it doesn't affect me at all. I don't feel like I respond to any kind of praise. I don't feel like it makes any difference because deep down what mattered to me is what my mom thinks, and not what the world thinks. 

But since I never got that validation from her, what others said or said not, didn't matter. 

Although this might appear very childish because of my age, like complaining about my mom at this age, I still feel like not getting that acceptance or love from her burned a permanent hole in my psyche. 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2020 by Preety_India

[BjarkeT]

@Preety_India Good point. I have been searching online for some tips on how to deal with low self-esteem and I found one which seems to have some good tips one of which recommends Practicing self-compassion. I hope you can use it. I wish I could help you more.

https://www.psychalive.org/low-self-esteem/

[Preety_India]

 

 

2 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

I relate to this, my mother was kind when I was very small, but then became abusive more and more so gradually.

Thanks for your understanding of my state of mind. 

2 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

Have you looked into healing the super ego?  I have realised that is what this internalized mind parasite is.

What is this super ego? 

 

3 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

Are you able to tell if it is authentic praise?

No. I'm not able to differentiate whether it's authentic or not. 

 

[DrewNows]

 

[Preety_India]

@Keyhole   @DrewNows  @Meta-Man  thank you. 

 

Edited May 27, 2020 by Preety_India

[The observer]

@Preety_India

Most of the answers you will get on this topic you probably are familiar with. I will suggest a simple, yet powerful method that I have never heard anyone talking about but purely derived from my own life.

Notice that you're approaching the problem as though it actually exists. When you think it exists, you create it. Now, how could someone with a low self-esteem cure someone with a low self-esteem? You see the paradox? If you don't believe in yourself in the first place, how can it be possible for you to trust that you are strong enough to work through this? To be able to work towards a better position, you have to move outside of your current one. How do you do that?

Look at the people you consider of high self-esteem. Are they actually better than you are? Or do they simply love themselves more than you do? In fact, if you look closely, you can discover that you are better than many of them in many different areas. Yet, somehow, you don't feel as good about yourself.

The solution is really simple. Just observe these people. After a while, you will notice that you are developing an ability to see the good things that you have and appreciate them deeply, the same way they do or more. Their high self-esteem will be transferred to you subconsciously.

Misc: start a gratitude journal if you haven't yet - don't take any judgement, criticism, unsolicited advice, etc... personally - embrace it when others appreciate you in any way, and thank them in return.

Edited May 27, 2020 by The observer

[Preety_India]

@The observer  thanks 

 

[Amit]

@Preety_India your mom is you yourself, why will you do it to your daughter? 

Thoughts arise from beliefs and assumptions, so you might impose your own unmet desire to your daughter, maybe something else. But you already have that answer. 

[universe]

Self-Love. lots and lots of Self-Love.

Love the part of you that didnt got love from your mother when you were a child.

Love the part of you that believed what your mother said.

Love the part of you which resented your mother for how she abused you.

Love the part of you that doesnt believe what your mother said.

Love the part of you that is your mother.

Love the part of you that doesnt feel worthy.

Love the part of you that feels useless.

Love the part of you that judges people on their worth.

Love the part of you that feels very much worthy.

 

Let go of any resentment you have towards your mother or to yourself.

Let go of judging yourself or others as good enough or not good enough.

There is no such thing. Everyone is equal. Right now.

 

Imagine a situation in which you open up to others. Feel the fear coming up. Welcome it. Let it be with you. Breath into that fear/tension. Ask yourself this three simple questions and then simply just feel.

"Can I welcome that feeling even more?"

"Do I want to let this feeling go?"

"When do I want to let it go?"

[Preety_India]

@universe thank you 

 

[DrewNows]

2 hours ago, universe said:

Imagine a situation in which you open up to others. Feel the fear coming up. Welcome it. Let it be with you. Breath into that fear/tension. Ask yourself this three simple questions and then simply just feel.

"Can I welcome that feeling even more?"

"Do I want to let this feeling go?"

"When do I want to let it go?"

[kagaria]

Same. But I struggle with my looks. I don't like my face very much and it's really hard not to get jealous of other pretty girls. People tell me that I'm good-looking but really I'm just average. I think I'm very ugly especially when I feel down or annoyed. That's why I meditate and try to have 0 tolerance to negative thoughts. I also want to get more skinny as I naturally have a really tiny body type, so I will look kind of attractive. It's better to be just ugly and fit.

Thoughts of inadequacy arise all the time, and they are healthy because otherwise I'd be seen as a jerk. But taking the negative mental chatter to the extreme level is not normal. The danger is that if you feel somehow below people or especially worthless, people will start treating you accordingly. It's true! You were warned. Negative self-image is just an illusion to the same extent as normal or grandiose egos are.

It's really all we have to do - stop the inner chatter and realize that we are one with the creation/creator. But my god It's so hard! It's also very difficult to be content all the time. Good meditating.

Edited May 28, 2020 by kagaria

[Elton]

@Preety_India have you tried improving your self image through subconscious training? 

If you do 30 min a day of affirmation, visualization and contemplating about your self image in particular, you could change it to a more powerful and loving self image. 

Have to tried self love and acceptance? That could be even more powerful.

Habe you tried awareness about your self esteem issues when it's happening in the moment ? 

All these things can have a positive impact on your self esteem issues.

[Preety_India]

@kagaria  you have an extremely beautiful and cute face. Awesome that you uploaded it. 

I can understand all the appearance related self esteem issues because people on the internet pick on other's looks. 

I will need to work on my childhood trauma patterns and subconscious rewiring. 

Much of it comes from my mother who was a central figure in my life, so not being accepted by her caused me tremendous trauma and misery. 

 

[kagaria]

@Preety_India Thank you!

I wish you get free and achieve ultimate healing! 

 

Edited May 28, 2020 by kagaria

[Elton]

17 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@kagaria

Much of it comes from my mother who was a central figure in my life, so not being accepted by her caused me tremendous trauma and misery. 

 

@Preety_India sorry to butt in, but I noticed that you completely ignored my post and reply to others... This triggered an emotional response in me ( a feeling of being ignored ) 

Probably that's why I  going further to give you more resources. 

1. Please practice actualised.org video how forgive anyone.

2. In suppliment to this sit down with your mom and have a conversation with her telling her how you feel. (I suggest you read the book radical honesty)