Self help and accepting how you are

[StarStruck]

Isn't doing self help implying that you are not good enough as you are? It is something I don't get or at least: I can't explain it to myself.

For example if you tell yourself you look good as you are and you go and do a nose job, are you really? This can be applied to self help too. You accept yourself as you are and afterwards you are trying to change major parts of yourself.

I noticed that my inner self is resisting to the idea of changing and self improving because of this inconsistency. I feel self neglected, being lied to and thus I lose my drive. Self sabotage is also a thing that happens.

What I'm really asking, I think, is how to accept yourself, not neglect your inner child, and at the same time try to change him. For me personally I think this feeling of self neglect stems from my childhood.

Edited May 26, 2020 by StarStruck

[mandyjw]

You improve yourself because you love yourself. You love what you are and you love the idea of where you're going. It's like mothering a child. You don't expect more from him that what he's able to do now, you love him as he is in all his innocence, but you have faith that he will grow and improve.

You beat yourself up for not being good enough out of NOT love. Notice the difference in feeling between these two things, and the tendency of the mind to think that it needs to beat itself up to motivate itself. Mind tries to co-opt feeling and true self-improvement. Then we get backlash or self sabotage because the mind is dualistic, while Love and our true nature if One, so the other side of things that we were resisting inevitably comes flooding back to us. Ask yourself how you can sabotage yourself, if there are not two of you? Are there two of you, really? 

[LfcCharlie4]

Nope self improvement is actually a form of self love, that resistance is just a form of well resistance train to do the work required. 
 

Acceptance and improvement are not mutually exclusive at all.
 

I always use the overweight example. 
 

You can accept and love your body when you are obese, but it doesn’t mean you won’t take the relative required action to lose weight, get in shape and feel better, because it is actually coming from a place of self-love to improve yourself and feels as amazing and look as amazing as you can. 
 

So, accept yourself First where you are at, and stop beating yourself up, then from a place of love And the heart go and improve yourself and your life! 

[StarStruck]

@mandyjw there is a lower self and a higher self. For me it feels these two are always fighting. I do notice that I can lash out at my lower self. When I try to be nice to the lower self things go much smoother but there is still this inner struggle between the one who is seeking comfort and the one who wants to be a higher self.

Your comment about higher self lashing out in not-selflove is something I didn't notice. That part of me always told me I'm lashing out because I love you and want you to be the best.

How can I sabotage myself if there is just 1? Do you need two persons for sabotage?  I'm kind of confused about that question but I will think about it.

[Nahm]

@StarStruck

Acceptance is an intransigent belief.

[mandyjw]

@StarStruck There isn't a higher self or a lower self. 

Lower self- I want to SURVIVE. I SEE food, I EAT food. Feels good now. I'm completely unconcerned about how carrying 30 extra pounds will feel. 

Higher self- I want to see myself and have others see myself as a developed, responsible strong person. I put into place strong goals and routines and use self discipline so that I can be a person worth respecting. 

Which of these selves is concerned with its mental image of itself? BOTH. 

The lower self is a less personal, inherent survival drive. Primal. The higher self is a psychological drive for self acceptance and acceptance of others. This is also a survival drive. Their methods differ, their goal is the same.

They both want to feel good. 

They both think that by doing the right things they will feel good, but they completely disagree what those things are. It doesn't feel good when they are fighting each other, even though that's the one thing they have in common, they both want to feel good!!!

It really helps to focus on the common goal, and be aware of it, you want to feel good. 

 

[StarStruck]

@mandyjw You say there isn’t a higher and lower self but then you proceed to explain the difference between the two. I’m confused about that. 

I’m not sure how to proceed now. Negative self talk and taking away from self love when I fail my high standards is definitely something I need to work on.

At the moment I’m pushing myself to work harder. Something that I’m not use to. It just creates stress and I think I need to be mindful of how I interpret these sensations. Part of me says (traumatized part) just wants to stay where it is and the other part wants to move to newer places. Both parts want the same thing but it is hard to sell. 

[mandyjw]

3 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

@mandyjw You say there isn’t a higher and lower self but then you proceed to explain the difference between the two. I’m confused about that. 

We believe in a higher and a lower self, but there's not two selves. I explain the differences to acknowledge your belief and show you that they actually share the same goal or desire... therefore are one and the same. In thought things are separate, in thought there are borders between states and provinces but if you fly over them they appear as one. 

 

[StarStruck]

@mandyjw agreed. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it like that. The self-help literature always told me those borders existed you know.

[James123]

12 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

@mandyjw agreed. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it like that. The self-help literature always told me those borders existed you know.

The main purpose of self-help is demonstrating no self. Dont read those books that you are reading. 

[StarStruck]

I didn’t expect to end up here.

14:39

Edited May 26, 2020 by StarStruck

[James123]

@StarStruck you dont have a personality. You are your personality, emotions, everything and nothing. Your mom, your personality, you, me, house are identical 

[StarStruck]

@James123  I know the theory but actualizing it is hard.

[Leo Gura]

It's about actualizing your potential. A human being isn't born complete. A human being must work on herself to become great and God-like. This has nothing to do with not accepting yourself. Greatness requires effort. Even accepting yourself requires effort.

You only have two options in life: to be mediocre and shitty, or great. If you don't make the effort to be great, you will be shitty by default. Devilry is the default position for humans. Unbecoming a devil takes a lifetime of work.

[Gili Trawangan]

You are perfect just as you are... and there's always room for improvement.

[Javfly33]

On 26/5/2020 at 1:46 PM, StarStruck said:

Isn't doing self help implying that you are not good enough as you are? It is something I don't get or at least: I can't explain it to myself.

For example if you tell yourself you look good as you are and you go and do a nose job, are you really? This can be applied to self help too. You accept yourself as you are and afterwards you are trying to change major parts of yourself.

I noticed that my inner self is resisting to the idea of changing and self improving because of this inconsistency. I feel self neglected, being lied to and thus I lose my drive. Self sabotage is also a thing that happens.

What I'm really asking, I think, is how to accept yourself, not neglect your inner child, and at the same time try to change him. For me personally I think this feeling of self neglect stems from my childhood.

Self-help is actually realizing that you are good as you are. But it is very ironic, because is this that actually lets you change.

Ironically, once you accept your "faults" they start to dissapear or trascend them. Because the rejection of them was what was making them "bad" or a problem.

I like to see that the faults are just a message waiting to be understood and seeing.

[James123]

@StarStruck Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you.” – Rumi

This place is a dream. Only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief.” – Rumi

 

Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

Dont forget your profile picture brother.

[StarStruck]

Self-actualizing is actually parenting yourself. A good parent accepts the child’s flaws, and let’s the child accept its flaws (by explaining), this part is important. If you can’t let the child accept its flaws, it can’t transcend its flaws. 

That video I posted is actually really good. Many of our inner castles that we created to defend against another part of ourselves are the problems in itself. For example if you a procrastinator and you resist yourself being like that (create defenses not to be like that) you fall in your own trap. 

I think the sequence of accepting your inner child and then encouraging your inner child to improve is important. Just discarding your inner child and bullying him to change will force the child to disown parts of himself (create inner castles) and the destructive parts that he tries to defend against will hit him even harder. These inner castles are in our sub conscious and most of them we are not even aware of. Just dissociating of the castles of the sub conscious won’t let the castles disappear.

That is why telling somebody “you are not your personality” is like telling a donkey he is not a donkey. Even if the donkey is not stubborn enough to accept he is not a donkey , he will just be a donkey who believes he is not a donkey. The crux is letting the subconscious of the donkey convince itself he is not a donkey. For example I see people who pop 20-30 mg of 5 MeO DMT and they say they become god and shit. And the next sentence: I still procrastinate, lol. 

It is also important what stage you are. From what I understand is that people are stuck at the emotional level that they had with their parents. If you are a person who had parents who pushed you to disassociate parts of yourself you will disassociated a lot of yourself. If you keep doing what your parents did to you will just reproduce the circumstances of the parental relationship.

1. Accepting: you first need to do a lot accepting yourself (giving yourself self love).
2. Letting go: And if you are done with that you can move to the next stage which is encouraging yourself to reach your potential by “letting go”  

That is what parenting is: accepting and letting go.

If you skip part 1 and move to part 2 you will make the part that you are trying to improve  even worse from what I understand. Anyway, these are just my interpretations of my research. 

Edited May 27, 2020 by StarStruck

[Nahm]

@StarStruck

Quite insightful. ?

[James123]

@StarStruck Definitely. Step by step. Just dont forget seeing others as you, loving others as you, will diminish all the questions, paths, or tour stage. Love lies underneath of all the paths. Because all is one, one is all.

Edited May 27, 2020 by James123