my 21 year old friend is dating a 33 year old pimp

[iceprincess]

my friend is 20 and she recently started dating this guy she met on tinder. mind you before she started dating guys  which was just recently she was the most innocent person ever she never even looked at guys.  they've been seeing eachother for a few months, no dates just late night hookups and she leaves the next morning , they havent even hung out more than 15 times. he barely responds to her texts and always claims hes busy. she knows hes a pimp and he fucks his workers as well. he has been to jail for a few months idk why and also has a daughter who he lost custody over. this man really wants a baby and hes been pitching the idea to her ever since their first date. she really likes him because hes not rude to her and hes really passionate about entrepreneurship and success (hes trying to start a sneaker,clothing company and he says once that is started hes quitting the pimp lifestyle) . he told her he wants to have a baby within the next year and if she does not want to have kids then he wants to go their seperate ways and move on. i told her if he can't commit to you now he will not be able to have a baby and his reasoning is that he doesnt try to go on dates with her or text her and be an actual boyfriend because he doesn't wanna get "emotionally attached" BUT he will give her all the time, money, energy and effort IF he can get her pregnant with his kid. at first she was not open to it at all but now she is considering having a baby with him provided they get to know eachother more and he puts more effort towards her. i was talking to her for hours trying to covince her out of it. she obviously doesnt want the baby she just wants the baby so he can commit to her and shes willing to risk her future, her goals, her life adventures, the respect of her friends, her parents support and her future baby to be with him, a guy whose main job is managing prostitutes, takes 2 days to reply, a felon and only agrees to see her if its late night on a bed. what can i do as a friend to convince her out of this and if she does go through with it how should i help? is it bad if i distance myself from her? i never knew she was like this and i just dont wanna involve myself with those type of people but i would feel bad if she was suffering through it herself. 

[Shiva99]

She's old enough to deal with this on her own. It's her choice and responsibility. If you don't wanna deal with "these type of people", than distance yourself yes. Mind your own business basically.

[Leo Gura]

God save this poor girl.

[Dlavjr]

I have a female friend that's in a situation similar but way less extreme. She's been dating a guy for 4 years now and she hardly knows anything about the guy besides that he has two kids and is "trying to get his shit together", MAYBE she knows where he works at most. But she doesn't even know where he lives, at one point I believe he was living with the mother of his children and now she doesn't know. I've been trying to help her see for years that she's just a side girl to this guy, and that she's being used. I've tried every method, being harsh, being nice, trying to let her figure it out for herself, and at this point she even admits that she shouldn't be with him, but she doesn't have the strength to leave because she insists that she loves him "no matter what". Sometimes people gotta learn the hard way. 

[Girzo]

The only solution to that kind of situation I know is to be there for this person after they have ruined everything so they don't kill themselves.

Really, no idea how to stop this kind of behaviour. The only solution seems to be an overall well-developed human being, who loves themselves too much to pursue such situations. But as you have said, your friend is very unexperienced, has never dated, so no wonder she comes up with stupid ideas.

Maybe send her some female dating expert talking about red flags, or find someone on the internet who had similar story and it ended up pretty badly, so her imagination starts to work in a more realistic direction.

[michellew]

You've got to ask yourself in the name of sanity why would any man be pressuring a young woman to get pregnant with his child when he doesn't actually want to spend time with her, having already lost custody of another child?  Seriously - what kind of man?  Is she ready to be a single parent?  Apologise to her child when it gets older for a father that saw it as a commodity to be bought?  She doesn't recognise that she's in an abusive relationship - the best thing you can do for her is to help her realise her self worth and that decent human beings don't treat each other like commodities.  If he ain't interested in a relationship with her now, he sure as heck ain't gonna want one when her body's been through pregnancy and all those hormones have changed who she is.  I mean, on the one hand it might do her good and wake her up to what he really is, but would any of us want to be brought into the world deliberately on that kind of basis.  It's very easy to imagine you have limited options when you're very young (and 20 is very young, you're still a child really), and that you have to plump for anyone who gives you attention - but someone who pulls away continually but at the last minute throws you a fish, they're abusing you and deliberately.  It's a game to them and they enjoy the power they have over others.  The other worrying red flag is why the need for a child by that man?  What is the real need behind this.  Hope it ain't what I would fear...  BUT - berating her will just make her feel stupid and that she needs to cling to the idiot.  That doesn't mean you can't make it plain that you think he's a wrong - un, but point her to sources of help and understanding - knowledge is power.  There's a website out there called decision making confidence that I read a long time back and helped me to start thinking for myself, that might be a good starting place for her perhaps?

[outlandish]

Unless her parents are total deadbeats, I would recommend that you talk to them. It will be a hard conversation, but possibly one of the most important things that someone has done for her. Yes, she's technically an adult, but she's in the grey area and needs her parent's guidance. They will likely be able to reach her in a way that you can not. 

[Preety_India]

 

That woman needs Institutional help. Like calling social services on the guy and rescuing her from any further harm.. 

 

[iceprincess]

11 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

I have a female friend that's in a situation similar but way less extreme. She's been dating a guy for 4 years now and she hardly knows anything about the guy besides that he has two kids and is "trying to get his shit together", MAYBE she knows where he works at most. But she doesn't even know where he lives, at one point I believe he was living with the mother of his children and now she doesn't know. I've been trying to help her see for years that she's just a side girl to this guy, and that she's being used. I've tried every method, being harsh, being nice, trying to let her figure it out for herself, and at this point she even admits that she shouldn't be with him, but she doesn't have the strength to leave because she insists that she loves him "no matter what". Sometimes people gotta learn the hard way. 

@Dlavjr she can spend time with him all she wants and get her heart broken, but i can't let her have a baby lmao. i mean its not like she's ever taken my advice with these things so it looks like i'm just gonna have to let it go but it's so heartbreaking to see a friend of 5 years ruin her life like that for a piece of shit. 

[Dlavjr]

38 minutes ago, iceprincess said:

@Dlavjr she can spend time with him all she wants and get her heart broken, but i can't let her have a baby lmao. i mean its not like she's ever taken my advice with these things so it looks like i'm just gonna have to let it go but it's so heartbreaking to see a friend of 5 years ruin her life like that for a piece of shit. 

It's heartbreaking but it's unfortunately the fate of many women nowadays. I'm not sure if the way that men and women view each other has changed because I'm young so I don't know any different, but I certainly see an increasing lack of respect for either gender in gen Z, and definitely a huge lack of self respect. I know my example is far less troubling for the victim involved but the point is that you can't save everybody, unfortunately there gets to be a point where you've done your part, but you can't really control what their ultimate decision is, and quite honestly it's not your responsibility. At this point the more you try telling her what's right or wrong for her, the more she'll resist and put up walls and you'll lose a friend altogether. All you can really do to help is be there when it goes to shit. 

[h inandout]

I understand your outrage.  Weasles like him are skilled at digging into the brains of others by addressing people's unmet/repressed social needs.  Needs for PERMISSION, ACCEPTANCE,  APPROVAL, VALIDATION, knowledge that you are not worthy of the shaming the world is projecting on you by showing you how dirty and evil everyone else is.  This makes them the safest person to turn to from moment to moment.  

 

Remind her of who she was before him.  How precious she was.  The art she did.  The music she was passionate about. The causes she cared about.  The career she was building.  Remind her how important she was in all this, and empathize with how discouraging it really is when you are starting out, but that there is ample evidence that she is capable.  There are people out there that care about her too.

Edited May 27, 2020 by h inandout

[h inandout]

Stay a safe distance and remain firm.  But remind her that you care and that you remember her and believe in her.  Make it easy for her to say, I don't want this life, and I'm not gonna have to survive a shame storm if I reverse direction.

 

Remind her that there are men out there who are both amazing AND healthy.  It is hard to know this when the few men you've come into contact with are fkd in the head.

 

Watch Kris Godinez

Edited May 27, 2020 by h inandout

[h inandout]

Remind her that she is not bad because of him.  HE is bad.  Yes, she and all of us have to grow up and are learning as we go, no shame in that, and even her situation is not unique.  She is mighty and powerful and there will be a way out.

Send her the lyrics and music video for "That Thing."

 

[h inandout]

Try not to argue with her because it will cause her to identify deeper with his ridiculous logic because she empathizes with him.  She is grateful to him for showing her that she is not obligated to her parents' paradigm.   She still only sees his charm, and is blind to his misdeeds because she thinks they are fair.  She will only argue back harder. 

Instead remind her of the person she was before, and what she is being forced into now.  Pure evidence.  Which way of being feels more real, integrous, joyful, and future oriented?

Edited May 27, 2020 by h inandout

[h inandout]

Send her Jill Scott's Rolling Hills

 

Admit that you don't know how to help because you don't understand her personal psychology, and she is in charge of her life.  It may be difficult to look at how painful life is, but if we make better choices in challenging circumstances we will at least spare children from needless entanglement in our drama.

 

Encourage her to get angry.  This is bullshit after all.  She is just as beautiful and worthy as any woman she's ever looked up too and she's getting conned into being denigrated by someone's poor behaviour.

Edited May 28, 2020 by h inandout

[Kalki Avatar]

Seems like the guy is fckng her well at night and being a dog. Thus, he is 30 and she 21, she's young and is getting emotionally attached. Her hormones are playing against her logic. So she won't Pay much attention to you. Young girls love this type of experience with assholes, at least once. 

The only thing that could help is some third figure aspect interfering between them or you calling out more of her best friends to make her listen what she is getting into. Other wise, wish her luck before breaking her head with the wall. 

Edited May 28, 2020 by Kalki Avatar

[freeman194673]

Love makes you blind.

[h inandout]

Hold an intervention group for her.  Seriously. 

Seriously.

It is hard enough to accept a reality of having made a poor decision.  But admitting it to others is unbearable shame.  If she is held by a group of people who genuine care for her, and are committed to full conversation with her, where she gets to speak up for herself too.  Damn, that would make it so much easier for her to feel at ease with making the 'right' decision.  Think back to any time you've ever had to suck the poison out of a wound, and how weird it felt to reverse the mistake you had made.  It helps when you know you are doing the right thing, even if it's embarrassing at first.  It helps to know you're not the only one either.

[Onemanwolfpac]

On 26/05/2020 at 5:38 AM, iceprincess said:

my friend is 20 and she recently started dating this guy she met on tinder. mind you before she started dating guys  which was just recently she was the most innocent person ever she never even looked at guys.  they've been seeing eachother for a few months, no dates just late night hookups and she leaves the next morning , they havent even hung out more than 15 times. he barely responds to her texts and always claims hes busy. 

Being thirsty and white Knight doesn't have that affect. Similarly, the Harder you push her away,the deeper she will go in on the guy. Step back. Not your problem.