give me advice right now, after my mushroom trip my heart opened up

[John Iverson]

My heart is saying there is a reality going on beyond this reality you are currently living in right now  that you cannot comprehend , of course what you are feeling right now is the feeling of excitement , you know it.... and you know something is waiting for you out there.. 

before i proceed to the fears i want all of you be aware where i am coming from

i am in day 3 off in solitude after my mushroom trip, i let what i have experienced change who i am and know the magnitude of my true nature.. this mushroom trip i face alot of shadows, fears, and other negative stuffs, so i feel i am really clean. While i am tripping i add to my experience the shamanic breathing to release everthing , after a day of releasing , in that day before the day ends somewhere 4-5pm my mother called me about taking care of my ojt , she wants me to call my professor, so this time i know i need to really decide to say what's in my heart and go on with my life.. truth is my reality that i live in is not my reality anymore.. but I don't know how to deal and live with this .. i am starting to question my decisions, myself, I am asking myself ,.. what am i doing to myself? What is this? I don't know if i can trust myself anymore.. maybe all of this is not really true.. but at the same time , I don't know if what they are saying to me is true,I don't know if what myself and Leo telling me is true.. i don't know who and what i am going to trust.. i really need advice right now..  

also I don't know how to live from this day forward if i go with my life choose to quit school.. I don't know how to face my decision .. the challenges.. the fears that it feels it will happen to me.. thou, I don't know what will happen to me, I don't know the day to day having this kind of path..

i am worried of what people will do to me and think of me in the society, my classmates, my friends.. parents, family ,people that surrounds me and people i will come across in my journey.

my mother, father, family, the society, will judge me.. here in the Philippines if you don't graduate you are like homeless. Poor.. they don't respect you.. we have this belief that even you are very successful they will see you very small.. 

i have this thinking yesterday while i am thinking it through, that the cost of one people who don't respect me is a respect of people that will be inspired of what i did in life... becoming inspiration to those people for choosing this path and live the life i want for myself.. 

I still don't know the future, even though I have this feeling in my heart, it leaves me anxious about the future. It is not certain.. and it will change me along the way in to negative or I don't.. i really don't know... I don't see what's coming.. only i have got is this, fears, and the cards I have been dealt with.. and that cards i have been dealing with is made me feel i am not the right avatar to fulfill it

I have this fearsss that ingrained to my psyche

i'm afraid

 my mind is telling me okay you will detach to society's term are you going to be serious about life? Cuz society's term is very easy.. all you have to do is whatever they say to you just go and do it. If the boss fired you , it is easy to you to find a new one cuz you have a dimploma just go write a resume.. if i choose this, what if life hits you and because I don't choose to graduate i will go back to my mother's house and i have nothing left ? They say to me you waste your time, and the chance we give you to study is now over, Given the hands i have been dealt with I don't know if this avatar is going to fulfill it... i cannot focus... tho this is what i intended to do the reason why i took mushroom to change myself.. but in this moment I don't know if i am the right one to fulfill this , the destiny that i feel i need to follow.. i have a journey to enjoy... at the sametime I feel shitty... I don't know maybe i am deluded about everything?? Maybe i am crazy and deluded.. what i imagine and feeling is a delusion.. I don't know? It is not certain

I am afraid wherever i go even here in my parent's house they will pressure me, by there lifestyle, and by there ego.. given what i have been dealt with , my karmas in this avatar that i have i cannot be successful the way they expect me, that even someone will pressure me to his terms I don't know how to live with that.. i am very very slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..  

what if i meet a girl and pressure me. for her doing solitude is not an action, she needs actions, definite actions that is impulsive and she pressure me to have money right a way but i cannot produce it because i'm on the process and the process is very slow..  i am afraid of slowness... I don't know how they will understand everything about me, about my actions.. about how i act.. about my way of living, about my karma,... 

this preceeding expression is my other fears and expanded fears.

mind: my visualization is being interfered by fear,  my mind is saying okay, your passion is astral projection and you want to know the "real" (real means not pseudo, real =Truth the actuality of every moment that happen.. the actuality of everything) of someone's information about his life that change the world in RWW/NPMR, okay fine now here's a picture about  the event of his life wanting to know his life (example Leo Gura) , with him masturbating you cannot and don't want to see it right? His Ohh! You will see this on ASTRAL ..

i cannot do it! Damn! I want to do it but by that kind of shit that my mind created i am really afraid of doing it..

On the other hand, there is a part of my mind saying.. i am really decided , really, i am straight face saying it ,... even if i am not yet very knowledgeable of what is astral projetion , and what's in there, there is a part of my mind saying i am going to do it... go there......  face whatever i am going to face..

That kind of voice inside my head ,.. I don't control it .. it just happen.. I don't know what is that..  my heart wants to follow it.. I don't have much controooool about me having that kind of intent..

also i have fear of meeting entities and the feeling of death like as if i took a psychedelic mushroom... because so much facing Of insanity and death in my mushroom trips that now i am afraid that it has a same or more intensity of experiencing it the feeling of death in Astral , that i will be traumatized going there forever..

but as i have said given that fears about astral projecting, the other part of my mind intending to go there..

i am not synchronized or full-in with that, maybe i need further inspiration and understanding or confirmation of the true experiences in there that will make me really decide to okay i'm going there.. 

the fears i have about astral projection is intense that i want to change my passion but in the Life Purpose it is like blaberiing i know i must face it...  but at the same time , there is something not certain , I don't know? 

my mind: is saying , if You decide to go follow your heart the people around me would not understand and other people would not understand my own way, they could feel that i am very slow, and i am not doing something

Therefore they will make me feel pressured and based on that feeling i am acting out of being pressured not balanced 

The treatment specially my parents would become not same as before, for example my father will become cold. And i will Feel pressure , they and me will act out of adversity

They will express like they don't want to understand me they will threat me to cut off the internet because they don't have money to pursue purchase it and there is no point cuz their analogy of it is internet is to school,.. they will ask me about how would you have money being in here you don't have a job? In my reality I don't want to do any jobs in the status quo .. i am finding jobs if job is really necessary that is intersting to me but for now i cannot find one yet.. astral projection skill is still pending..

In this moment , i have a plan to chat someone in the pick up community here in the Philippines,he seems open i will ask for a chance, i will opened up my purpose and the reason, after i post this here.. idk if i am going to push it as my next action after wrting this here maybe my intuition will give me something better? Idk.

if he can help me and he will give me the chance then i will go for it.. but if it failed.. then i'm stuck again .... 

being stuck is what i am afraid of while people around me wants an action and results from me righaway.. they don't understand that i will be having an ego baclash my lowerself is here to drag me off. 

Even if I get a help from someone i am afraid to have a commotion with that someone in whatever challenges i will have to deal with. Like my lower self, ego backlashes, my impurities. Cards that i have been given , the karmas i have, the mind cannot focus.. and my english . Other stuffs

Lastly i am afraid to meet a girl that might have a small view of me for instance in a bar cuz i want to pursue also Gaming , (pickup)..

the family of the girl i like will reject me, and she will not have a good sense of thinking about me about her future with me, cuz I don't have a degree, she will feel small, thinking i'm living in the low class of society or prone to go to lowest class in the society , imagine i have a successful business and boom!

The company was destroyed, what impact would this have on my future family if that happened? It is like going bankcruped and now we don't have anything... how my child going to survive? 

she will question my worth, status, of course she will see me that i don't have a worth .. the worth of people who don't choose to graduate is shitty.for them. We have don't have future.. lazy,. Living the lowest life with no money.. not successful , Don't have a life, squatter, homeless, cannot provide enough for the family..it is in the lower class..even i become successful it is prone to going there, because of the degree, if you have the degree you are safe in the society....

i have that kind of wiring in my brain also.

 

 it's like in their mind they are feeling disgust , i am afraid they will question every actions i take and pressure me to make an action impulsively ,cannot stand to wait while i am in solitude and contemplating and letting the process go.. because of my karma i cannot just manifest result right away maybe i will fail then if i fail then i am stuck even more..

 

i don't know how to live a life dealing with that kind of fear,

 

Edited May 26, 2020 by John Iverson

[Leo Gura]

Visualize love and success to counteract the fear.

You gotta become your own biggest cheerleader.

And remember, failure is totally okay. Fail often, fail faster. Repeat.

[John Iverson]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Visualize love and success to counteract the fear.

You gotta become your own biggest cheerleader.

And remember, failure is totally okay. Fail often, fail faster. Repeat.

What it is like to become your own biggest cheerleader?

Can i depend on myself? , The one who are talking to me ?, the one talking to myself , i am refering to the voice inside my head ,  is he dependable? I don't know if i can trust that, this voices is saying positive and negative to me, or advising me  like hey that masturbation thing just deal it there just face it.. I don't know if i can trust it, thinking about it i am becoming more fearful, the voices in my head either positive or negative I don't know if i can listen to it.. there is a point in my life that voice said to me it is better succumb to thinking and later by discovering you it is not true....

I don't want to deceive myself with this voices, by listening to the voices inside my head either positive or negative or this feeling that seems feels true...i come to this point that i doubt the feeling of being true.. feeling of trueness rightness, i question my own self specially the voice and guarding myself to let that guide my actions.. by questioning it, it leaves me uncertain.

i am worried that i will destroy my life and just cannot do it right, because of my Karma, my brain and mind that always projects a reality that each day i am dealing with, maybe having that will make me give up 

I have curse and a blessing ... 

God blessed me by opening a new dimension of life, Actualized.org, life purpose course, inner self that led me to the spirituality and feeling inspired by something about life, all this, all this materials , by getting these blessings and getting this far, that other people will not give attention to this and will not do the same as i did, at the same time I have this mind and brain sabotaging me, plus the karmas I have, ..

My brain doesn't function well as i would like it to perform I don't know if this mushroom trip is going to carry out this kind of task. Is the way my mind thinks and brain functions about things in my life guarantee me success in life? I don't know, maybe i will quit or i will discover something that will save me... Giving my condition here I am 

My Mind's very nature and brain inner workings sabotages my own interests in life. (Mind's Smokescreen)

In addition ,

i am desiring to engage in larger reality, deep inside I know that something is actually happening that I don't know, so many things that are beyond comprehension, something I want to discover that I can spend my life engaging like  gaming, picking up woman, I never thought it was possible to do game. So it's my job to discover other things that people will also be inspired and people will look forward to getting involved in what I've discovered as well.

my curse, 

is that I don't want to settle in some job that doesn't suit who I am, what I want or value, the type of job that I want to work doesn't require a degree, anything job that requires a degree automatic I don't want to participate any of it .. It's tough, it feels impossible .. given the reality i live in i am bomabarded of job and work that It's not authentic to me,and not inspiring. 

Because i want to create

Is there anyone outside of this reality who could help me? I want to meet someone in this situation who i can inspire with my vision, help me with what I want in life, giving me the support I need, a home and money or work. 

Anyone that can suit the way my mind thinks, someone who could understand, helping me before I can stand alone until I have developed a skill that is world class.

I recognize I must have the skill. So it will produce value by doing so, and earn money for it ... All I can say is, considering my condition, I do not know now.

Okay, on the other hand, I've got my idea, I find someone who might support me, work there and share what I've got, inspire them to get me there, but I don't know if he's going to give me a shot. All I need is an opportunity and understanding my low self if that self hits me..

Idk where this could take me this kind of mindset .. Wanting someone to give me a help, I feel this kind of thinking belongs to another reality that happens beyond what I know at the moment. But perhaps, I'm too idealistic. And this mindset needs to be fixed.. 

to wrap this up, my last words are, My mind sabotages the one thing that my mind and my heart intend to do, Of the masturbation I'll see on RWW, and other things I said earlier.

 

Edited May 26, 2020 by John Iverson

[Aster]

Maybe you don't have to choose which way to go yet. I'm from the Philippines too. Why don't you pursue your degree and do the things you love at the same time? It seems to me that your overthinking makes everything complicated. If you are so worried about not having money to support yourself then why not eliminate that problem first? This is just me though. ??

[John Iverson]

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Visualize love and success to counteract the fear.

Is this also applicable when I am in a situation where your life is down, life hits you with nothing is going on with your life? My mother used to say oh if you graduate and have a degree you will have a back up plan at least you will have a back up in your life, if you are in the situation where your life is down you can proceed with your life, having that back up.  that's what she told me

Conversely, while I'm typing this, I have this in mind right now. 
In that day all i need is time to have a lot of time to think? ? Isn't it? 

If i am going to have that kind of plan someday when life threatens me with nothing going on in my life lets say I don't have the money or nothing left to me, That 9-5 job will occupy the time i need to think or to sit to visualize things or if i want to have time for myself

the more time we dwell in the silence the greater the eureka moment opens up?? Right? Well i am open to your new suggestion and other way of looking at things that's why i posted this.. give me other way, i give upppp

[John Iverson]

2 hours ago, Aster said:

Maybe you don't have to choose which way to go yet. I'm from the Philippines too. Why don't you pursue your degree and do the things you love at the same time? It seems to me that your overthinking makes everything complicated. If you are so worried about not having money to support yourself then why not eliminate that problem first? This is just me though. ??

I am in that situation, where i compromises the life i want for myself and life that society give me, recognize their belief system and the culture we have in our psyche..

.. understand this by imagining it,

imagine that I 'm going to my OJT at 8 o'clock am I'm expected to be there at 9 o'clock am, I wake up at 7 o'clock am, my duty starts at 9 o'clock am until 6 o'clock pm my transportation from school to my house is about 1-2 hours so I'm going to arrive at 7-8 o'clock pm

On the other hand

This is what my day looks like i wake up at 8 am doing breathing technique , meditating for 14 minutes, for do nothing technique and another 14 minutes doing concentration, after that i eat my breakfast, then i am going to lock the door and go to terrace for solitude, connecting to my intiution motivating myself, connecting to a feeling that drives me to move, after that i am going to read a book i am a slow at reading so for 5 pages it will took me 4 hrs to 5 hrs.. but the day is not enough for me i want to watch videos connecting to a topics that i am passionate about ,.. now lets add activities in my life purpose just imagine i need 12 hours or 8 hrs to master astral projection , hours of practicing skills that i need to ace my life purpose, another hour of having this experience to integrate, or write the experiences i have there, plus an hour of reading book in the booklist plus Gaming , picking up girls... loook!!! ?

Can you choose not? with this kind of work?? Bro!! ?‍♂️... i am currently in the moment pursuing to go to school because until now i am afraid of what ifs, bro you cannot do your purpose and do your passions at the same time studying in the university...  you cannot. when you are working on a job.... 

lets say i after i eat in the evening, around 8 pm  i have an energy to do an activity like reading a book until 12 midnight..well having the scenario thag i make you imagine it is not enough ? ... i can read a book but i cannot do pick up.. doing pick up i cannot do astral projection, i can astral project but i cannot be in solitude... ? 

About the money issue , having a job while pursuing it because of the money

Will your thing remove the money issue, too? How about the time? I need time ,. And Yes, I have the money, but it's only for survival ... yeah sure??  even that money it isn't enough because of the cost of living here, many professionals here in the Philippines complain that they're poor or adversely affected, even though they're professionals because society only offers you a minimum wage for your survival, it's really not enough. So you're being trapped, and this the interesting part, you will have an increase of income if you study masteral and doctoral degree .. and Pass board exams .. 

and add this family culture we have here in the philippines that some of your income you are obligated to give that to them haha so what's left??, don't forget the electric bill bro the billsssssss ?,  So is that really the solution? Bro? Can you give me a broader perspective broaden my scope to your advice given this side of mine.

Edited May 26, 2020 by John Iverson

[lacsativ]

Try not to overthink. Increase meditation to one hour a day. Good luck! 

[John Iverson]

On 5/28/2020 at 11:25 AM, lacsativ said:

Try not to overthink. Increase meditation to one hour a day. Good luck! 

Thanksssss