Lyubov

[Lyubov]

I'm feeling a little down that my diet is still quite messy. I'm drinking a lot of sugary drinks, specifically those sweet coffee drinks you get at Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts. I'm drinking one or two a day :\ I really do enjoy them. They taste wonderful! But they are having an impact on my energy and give me a bit of foggy thought. I honestly love them though but I think I need to start cutting back on them and get them to being a once a week treat. Water is much better for me. 

[Lyubov]

My girlfriend is moving to another country for work. We are both deeply in love with each other. This is really tearing me up. Feels like I’m on a boat I can’t steer and I see the waterfall coming in the distance. I’m not going to pretend this doesn’t hurt. I’m staying active and doing the stuff I love and want to work on. Not moping or sulking around the flat. Continue on my life purpose. I’m feeling actually quite accepting of the situation but it hurts so much. I knew this day was very likely to come, even when we met. This wasn’t thrown on me out of nowhere. Since me met I always knew she was going to maybe have to relocate for her job, it’s in her contract. I just went with the flow and because she was so cool and beautiful we feel deeply in love. She says I’m her everything. The way she touches me. When I look deep in her eyes I feel it. She loves me so much and she knows I feel the same. So it just hurts knowing this will be ending in the next couple months. I don’t have anything practical to save this and honestly I don’t want to feed lies. She is under the Impression we will stay together. I don’t want to give her false hope. I’m Im not seeing a practical solution for this. She is supposed to relocate for an entire year in a country I have no interest moving to. I don’t want to follow her there. I also don’t want long distance. I really don’t see how our relationship will survive this. Sometimes I wish I were older and ready to settle down so I could tell her I want her to stay and that this relationship is the one I want to lead to marriage. This is not the case for me however. So I’m just hurting so much seeing that the end is near. Im so grateful we had this time together though. I love her so much. 

[Lyubov]

This is really hurting so much. We talked tonight and there is no end to the tears. I feel completely emotionally blocked. There is just an endless flow of sadness when I let down this blockage. 

We haven’t decided what will happen. We haven’t compromised yet, but I have hope. Tonight it didn’t feel like we made progress. It’s honestly hard to even stand why is going on now. Mind feels totally cluttered.

I’m considering moving with her, but I have no idea yet how this will work, what the visa situation is, etc. Can I even enter where she is going now or are the borders closed? It’s rough. I feel helpless. I’m not helpless but I feel helpless. 
 

I'm going to call my mom this weekend for her input, she always helps when I’m at my limit like this. I love my girlfriend so much. She feels the same about me. This is destroying her. I feel so bad. I just can’t stand the sight of her in pain like this. I can have hope in these hard times. 

[Michael569]

Hey man, hope you don't mind me jumping in,  delete if not appropriate. I was reading the previous post. Sorry to hear about you and your gf separation but it does not have to be the end of you guys if you don't want it to. My gf and i lived a whole year apart in 2014 and in a way it strengthened what we had. Is she coming back after a year? Could you at least visit a few times?

For us the way it eventually worked was that I moved in to that country (after 13 months apart) as well and over long term i see that as one of the best decisions of my life and we've lived here away from our home country for 6 years now. Even though back then it seemed like a bad decision, too scary and too many unknowns (but it can be done).

Anyways if you ever wanted to chat to someone I may be able to offer a few tips on how to potentially survive that as a couple. If not just ignore

Wishing you lot of strength bro! Your passion and purpose will be what will keep you going. Stick to it to the best of your abilities.

Take care!

[Lyubov]

17 hours ago, Michael569 said:

Hey man, hope you don't mind me jumping in,  delete if not appropriate. I was reading the previous post. Sorry to hear about you and your gf separation but it does not have to be the end of you guys if you don't want it to. My gf and i lived a whole year apart in 2014 and in a way it strengthened what we had. Is she coming back after a year? Could you at least visit a few times?

For us the way it eventually worked was that I moved in to that country (after 13 months apart) as well and over long term i see that as one of the best decisions of my life and we've lived here away from our home country for 6 years now. Even though back then it seemed like a bad decision, too scary and too many unknowns (but it can be done).

Anyways if you ever wanted to chat to someone I may be able to offer a few tips on how to potentially survive that as a couple. If not just ignore

Wishing you lot of strength bro! Your passion and purpose will be what will keep you going. Stick to it to the best of your abilities.

Take care!

Thank you so much ? your words are very helpful. It feels good to know other people have traveled similar paths and I’m not alone on this. There is wisdom out there for me to hear. Also thank you for reminding me I /we aren’t helpless here. There are choices to make and we are free to choose them. 
 

I've felt my heart close down a lot for her this past week. I would say that is the hardest part to really sit with. This has really tested me in keeping my heart open. It feels right to move with her cause I know there is greater treasure behind that point but part of me is very resistant and doesn’t and closes off. 

[Lyubov]

I'm still with my girlfriend. It's been kinda hard and had a lot of ups and down cause her plans change but she will likely still move for work when COVID is more under control (who knows when?) It kinda hurts cause I'm not sure I will go with her :\ I have envy and would be open to starting over here even though I don't want to and it hurts. Right now I wanna be in the relationship and will consider all my options. I'm not going to just say I won't move with her nor I will. I'll cross this bridge when it comes. Part of me still very much thirsts for other female bodies and I feel envy sometimes that I can't go out and meet new women for sex. The perks and sex in my relationship is amazing though so I recognize I do have envy and desire still. 

I feel I've been focusing too much on my problems, relationship and complexes instead of putting energy into my life purpose. I've been doing personal development seriously for a while now. I am kinda tired of the "healing" mindset. I will always hold onto it and still prioritize emotional wellbeing and care but I'm putting a bit of space between all the stuff that is emotionally painful and focus more on my passions. I wanna make more money. I want to start a business. I want a career shift. I want to make online video content. I want to start focusing on my hobbies more and stuff I enjoy rather than putting in mental and emotional energy focusing on my problems. I will allot a certain amount of time a week to reflect on emotional problems and all that shit. Aside from that I'm going to focus more on my life purpose, my interests, having fun and working hard while enjoying it. I love the feeling when I'm busy doing something I enjoy. I feel so alive. So that's what I'm gonna do  Hopefully I can look back on this post in 6 months and see what I've done to make myself more money and enjoy doing it in the process! 

[Lyubov]

I’ve started to work through why I am resistant to financial change, working towards a different career, etc. I feel kinda good about it because I made some breakthroughs and gained some insights. I’ve realized that all the past painful stuff, “trauma” if you will, all that stuff can kinda hide in different domains  of life. It’s been largely cleared up in relationships, general self image, etc but it still sorta floats around in creativity and my finances. So I felt hopeful because since I’ve resolved it before it’s just a different flavor of resolving it this time around.

I sometimes feel I need either to do something really practical with my career switch, with which I then feel afraid of being boxed in. Or I want to chase my passions which then I’m afraid of failing at it and never making it. There are some other threads to it as well that I’m unraveling. I just started this process to unravel the inner stuff as to why I feel a lot of disorientation and inner conflict over career/life purpose/money but I feel hopeful because I’ve done it before in other areas of life. I’m open to this process taking some time but also open to it resolving quickly so I can focus on building and improving my finances with whatever paths I may take 

[Raptorsin7]

@Lyubov What are you going to do to overcome your creative and financial resistance?

[Lyubov]

I feel so resentful right now. I feel tricked. I feel like I was tricked to fall in love. And there are some things I just fucking hate so much about this woman. I resent them and hate them and I don’t care. I want them to know that and I want them to hurt. I will literally throw out all logic and rationality and fairness and integrity just to tell them how much I fucking resent and hate them and think they are fucking scum. I hate them so much. But then I love them so much, more than any girl I have before. I am not even going to try and figure it out. Just tired of thinking. Feeling now. Sitting with it and letting go of control. I fucking resent them so much and even if the path they were on was totally separate from me and maybe soon our paths will diverge, I fucking hate them and want revenge for them tricking me into falling in love with them. I detest this person for what they have made me feel and what they have put me through and I want them to hurt even more than me as revenge. Fuck them so hard, piece of shit. 

Just letting my inner child vent here. Kinda scary to let these feelings have space and talk but I think it’s healthy and keeps from some super angry fight where I’ll say things I will regret. Feels good to be petty in writing and just write from really raw places of anger and pain. I think it’s good to let out these raw feelings in writing. 
 

 

 

[Lyubov]

On 1/24/2022 at 1:57 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

@Lyubov What are you going to do to overcome your creative and financial resistance?

Hey man, I think I’ve found a way. I’m talking to a therapist again via zoom so that has actually helped a ton. I’ve  realized some hardships I’m proud to have overcome in other domains of life still have kinda seeped into this domain. So I’m kinda working through the same old stuff but from a different perspective this time. Feeling like a failure but instead of it having to do with being bullied in school or family issues it is now about career and money. Since I’ve already greatly overcome the forever I feel hopeful I’ll change my relationship with money, creativity and career stuff and feel motivated to make the switch soon.

Basically I’m going to write down everything that interests me, both practical jobs and impractical dreams. I have practical ideas which I think would be cool but I feel sorta shoehorned and not as inspired by these roles. My less practical stuff are what dreams are made of for me (online content creator) but this is where the fear of failure comes in. So I sorta have two general camps, stuff I sorta see a road towards and can practically transition to and stuff that is more abstract and wishful thinking. From there I’m going to make a list of skills and action steps that would potential be required to start materializing this stuff. From there I will narrow it down and choose one of each. Choose the practical switch to focus on and then the more wishful dream to focus on as well. Then do that. I will prioritize one I’ve the other and then focus on the second when I’m tired of focusing on the first. Ive noticed people can really only focus on one thing at a time and then focus on a second thing when they need a break from the first. So from here I’m in the stages of just narrowing down what I’m interested in, contemplating action steps, working with what emotions come up and then doing it all! 

[Raptorsin7]

@Lyubov Sweet. I'm also trying to overcome these blocks.

I'm hoping that parts work and making major changes in my emotional well being will lead to the changes I want. 

How did you overcome your blocks in other aspects of your life? Was it long term therapy, or were there certain critical points that led to rapid change?

[Lyubov]

I’m feeling really sad. My girlfriend feels I’m not taking her serious. We have an issue about moving that I’ve told her I’m mostly committed towards moving with her for work but she is untrusting of me. She wants to move to a totally unrelated place sooner cause she doesn’t wanna be in the city we are in together. I’m not on board for this. She also tells me she feels used by me and that I’m not taking her seriously because I’m happy with my life the way things are and she isn’t. She’s afraid I’ll get bored of her and leave. We spoke a bit about long term plans, even if we moved together, and then the next step after that and she was hurt to hear that I don’t have my life planned out and that I’m somewhat unambitious and she wasn’t as big of a factor in the equation. She’s been pushing me to do more which I finally am and now she seems sorta weary and resentful that the stuff I’m doing isn’t really factoring in our relationship. Basically we are two people on different paths and this is causing a lot of emotional turmoil for us both. I promised I would move with her for her work and I’m open to that but this issue of long term commitment and her just resenting living in this city and she blaming me for it (feels like it), saying she’s only here because of me, etc is heavy to carry. I’m confused and so is she. Both of us are hurting. Praying we can find harmony. 
 

[Lyubov]

On 1/27/2022 at 0:53 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

@Lyubov Sweet. I'm also trying to overcome these blocks.

I'm hoping that parts work and making major changes in my emotional well being will lead to the changes I want. 

How did you overcome your blocks in other aspects of your life? Was it long term therapy, or were there certain critical points that led to rapid change?

Well for me I’ve greatly overcome a ton of challenges with socializing, making friends, women and sex. This was not easy. I’m 30 now and much of my teens and first half of my 20s I was a gamer and deeply depressed and full of shame. I’m incredibly proud and grateful for what I’ve m accomplished, basically getting as good with women as I have and being able to hang with just about any guy making videos on YouTube how to pick up women. This was incredibly hard and basically took almost ten years of massive amounts of exposure to experience, lots of inner work, therapy, psychedelics, etc. Things really started getting good for me after I did Ayahuasca three years ago but this was maybe the hardest experience of my life to go through. It was an incredibly confusing and new experience especially and I did not have support coming out of it so I would say I was one of the people that comes out of such experience really messed up and needing help. I was able to get it and I built my life back up again and I’ve made such massive changes looking back over the last several years. I would say therapy helps me a ton. I’m grateful I have someone to work with that I find so incredibly beneficial. I think psychedelic assisted therapy is probably the most powerful treatment for a consistent chronic mentally ill person but unfortunately it’s not really available in many places and we are still in the Wild West when it comes to this stuff. I would greatly advise against just going to a cowboy shaman if you haven’t done the container work to find a support network and trained professionals who have tripped before as well that can help you work through this. I honestly am so grateful I just so happened to have the resources in place to get this container together and integrate and regroups after tripping several times, some people go for some sort of emotional healing and just get lost in this dogma and world and god help them, they end up usually really crazy and kinda fucked up for a long time. You can see such people running around on this forum especially in the spirituality section.  I would say don’t take grounding and your reference points for granted. They are kinda double edged sword. On one hand they sorta hold to the past and keep stuff from being let go but on the other they bring a sense of realness  and balance and a “foundation” to change. Gotta pitch the tent somewhere. At this stage in my life I recommend therapy, exercise, exposing oneself to lots of experience and MAYBE tripping in a safe and trusted setting with approved facilities, facilitators and holistic mental health experts to work with after. I tend not to recommend solo retreats, meditation retreats or reckless drug use expecting a cure all. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Lyubov That's interesting, one thing I'm really trying to understand and work through right now is my shame and letting go of strong convictions about right or wrong.

And yeah i hear you about psychidelics. I've had incredible trips alone, but I'd say 95% of my trips alone were completely worthless, and the few times I did trips while getting some guidance they were always profound.

I haven't done psychidelics in a few months now, but I think trying them with a life coach or meditation teacher could be a really enlightening process.

I have some 5 meo malt I'm excited to try. I think I'm at a point where psychidelics can be powerful for me, I'm just hoping Malt suits me better than lsd and shrooms 

[Lyubov]

On 2/2/2022 at 7:56 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

@Lyubov That's interesting, one thing I'm really trying to understand and work through right now is my shame and letting go of strong convictions about right or wrong.

ah yeah, this is tricky. I still feel this way kinda as well. I'm kinda at a point though where I don't give a fuck. I am who I am. Just got fed up and found myself letting go. I think it's about just surrounding yourself with people who will accept you for you flaws and all. Treating those around you with at least the amount of respect you'd like to be treated with. idk I just got so sick of feeling shame and working on it and exploring it that I just found myself letting a lot of it go. I've done literally hundreds of hours on shame and hard inner work related to regrets from the past and thing I felt ashamed of about myself. I think I just got tired of it and realized I was wasting my time. Exploring it was necessary though, and still is sometimes. I think finding a balance of authenticity where you explore it through all the various means that have been discussed on this site but also then changing focus to other stuff you'd rather do that is fun or interesting. It's a lot about balance I've noticed. Self work needs to be balanced with rest needs to be balanced with creating needs to be balanced with more rest. 

Edited February 13, 2022 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

I forgot to get my girl flowers and a gift on Valentine’s Day ? I’m sick the whole damn week and forgot. She was actually really hurt by it and I felt bad but another part of me doesn’t give a fuck. Feel like a do a ton for her already. I have a fever the last week and the first day it’s down and she’s all whining about how I’m not being romantic. Annoying. 

[Lyubov]

I’m leaving Russia next week. I’m quite devastated this is happening. Ive been panicked sometimes and a bit scared but mostly sad. I am sort of emotionally overwhelmed also and can’t even process all this. I’m feeling all sorts of things. I do know I’ll get through this because I’m strong and capable and lovable as well. Probably the craziest last couple weeks, even more than when covid hit. 

[Lyubov]

I made it out fine. In Europe now. Kinda sad about what is going on. Also been forced to rethink my long term plans. I hope to go back to Russia one day. It’s actually an awesome place to live if you are in the capital or spb. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Lyubov Nice man glad to hear you're out and safe 

[Lyubov]

3 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Lyubov Nice man glad to hear you're out and safe 

Thanks man !