Lyubov

[Lyubov]

Hello and welcome to my journal. I have never written a public journal like this before but I am looking for new ways to express my emotions and thoughts. I've grown a bit tired of writing alone. Here I'm going to share...

• Music
• My insights & wisdom I've picked up through life
• Stories 
• Photos
• Interesting videos, books, podcasts and articles
• Rant and rave 

Right now in life I'm working on trying to love myself more, be more creative and authentic, heal/integrate my past, build positive life habits around money, work on my diet, transition to a more fulfilling and longterm career, find deeper intimacy with women and in general live my life to the fullest. 

Thank you for reading and feel free to leave a comment

[Lyubov]

Life is beginning to come back to normal here. Shops are reopening and the gym is opening on Monday. This made me happy. I really enjoy lifting weights and it is one of my favorite things to do. It pushes me to my limits and I get a deep sense of reward every time my lifts go up. I also find myself lookin better and better in the nude and there isn't really anyone that has a problem with that  I'm looking forward to Monday to get back in the gym. This is the method I use. It's a popular strength training method and is a great way to get into great shape and be strong as well. 

I'm currently feeling a little confused. This tends to come up at night. I've had an awakening and mystical experiences but emotionally I still feel hurt sometimes and like there are negative beliefs and emotions I'm carrying around and views about my personality and personal human experience I wish I could change or accept. I've found reading theory in a confused state doesn't make me feel good so I'm going to start delegating this activity when I'm feeling sharp. I often times wonder if I have read enough books and know enough about the psyche and human experience and it's just time to explore it on my own or if I need me theory to guide me. I have gained quite a bit of self esteem this year where I have reclaimed a lot of personal power where I know I can further heal and integrate aspects of myself and past and understand better what I have been through and am. Mind mapping has been a good way of getting all these thoughts out. I sometimes feel a negative way and will write out a paragraph or few sentences in my mind mapping app on my computer. I will then link it to other thoughts that arise. Often times it is complex and looks like a knotted up mess of string. I often times find myself most confused when trying to strike a balance between letting it all go and resting in what I actually am, pure awareness vs making conscious of and doing an exploration of the psyche/ego/sub-conscious. I physically feel sometimes like my body is holding onto emotions/beliefs I'm not aware of or am aware of but have difficulty fully letting go. I sometimes wonder if I need to delve deeper into them to heal them (which is scary sometimes) or if there are ways to process it less intensely and release it. 

Anyways I will continue to work on giving myself love and being compassionate and caring with myself when I don't like something about my experience or feel an emotion I don't wish to feel. 

 I think I will do some holotropic breathework while listening to this loving kindness meditation. I've found I feel good and in control of guiding my path to higher places of consciousness by mixing together all sorts of techniques I've learned. 

[Lyubov]

I had a powerful insight today. I sometimes find myself falling into ruminating about the past, the mistakes I've made, things I wish I did differently, opportunities I wish I capitalized on, traumas I wish hadn't occurred. I've realized that the concept of trauma and "survivors guilt" can apply often times to a mindset I fall into where I feel bad about my past and wonder why I didn't turn out worse than I did. I've been working on spinning this towards the light. How unlike others who may have been too weak or fallen deeper and deeper into darkness I was able to catch myself before falling too deeply in. Thinking about how I was able to catch myself and use my inner strength and the tools I have at my disposal shouldn't go to waste with me just living an insignificant material life where I just chase pleasures. I get this calming sense of peace and self acceptance for myself and others when I think about how I can use my journey and particular obstacles to help heal others who suffer from similar neurosis I have.

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Happiness and pleasure are beautiful and I feel there is nothing wrong with experiencing these things but making my life solely about these makes me feel tense and I feel mental resistance. I will savor every moment, let myself feel pleasure and enjoy it fully, but work to align my core to giving back and helping others!

Edited May 29, 2020 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

Feeling stuck? Feeling like something emotional isn't being recognized, fully processed and released? Just let go and go into it. The basement may seem scary with the lights off but when you finally go through it and reach the light switch it wasn't so scary after all. Thoughts are thoughts and feelings are feelings, that is all, nothing to really fear, it's just how you feel... you are safe... you are loved... you are trusted, understood and powerful... Set the fear and thought stories aside and feel fully what they are blocking. It may feel confusing but when you find that light switch and are able to see the clutter in the basement it is easily cleaned and sense of wholeness and peace arrises. Stopping halfway through in he dark basement can lead to neurosis and madness so use your inner guide and strength to make it through the illusions. From the other side it wont seem so bad after all. It's like jumping into a cold pool, be careful not to let the first foot go in. get stuck, and then be too scared to continue. Healing, clarity and truth awaits on the other end. You will be feeling so much better and be thankful to yourself when you've made it to the end. A letter to myself and anyone else who sometimes feels they are stuck in unresolved trauma. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by Lyubov

[Raptorsin7]

@Lyubov I've been feeling stuck for a few months now.

I've had an awakening experience where all the tension in my head was released, and now i feel the tension back in my head but i haven't been able to release the tension like i did during my peak experience. Even now i feel tension in my head that relaxes a bit, but i just can't seem to let it go.

It's definitely a feeling in the head that's the blockage. So are you saying just try and go deeply into the sensations in my head?

[Lyubov]

19 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Lyubov I've been feeling stuck for a few months now.

I've had an awakening experience where all the tension in my head was released, and now i feel the tension back in my head but i haven't been able to release the tension like i did during my peak experience. Even now i feel tension in my head that relaxes a bit, but i just can't seem to let it go.

It's definitely a feeling in the head that's the blockage. So are you saying just try and go deeply into the sensations in my head?

I have the exact same thing. I will feel stuck and have a tension in my head/brain that starts at my forehead and goes to the back of my neck. I will feel it in my throat as well a bit. I can release it a bit sometimes but it feels like there is a blockage there that I can't quite always get at. When I am able to start accessing it I start to notice tension/pain in my chest and my arms will hurt a bit, lots of emotions and intense/scary thoughts will arise during this experience, and I'll get tingly all over. Breathe work can help access and release this stuff. 

I'm not entirely sure what you should do since what may feel comfortable for you may not be for someone else. I do believe what both you and I have is an emotional blockage that is keeping us from fully noticing and processing some emotions from our pasts. I will say be easy on yourself and find ways to gently let it go. Don't push too hard but also be brave. Looking for outside help through a trusted and competent therapist who can administer MDMA/Psychedelics could potentially be really healing for you. I'm planning on doing this again when I feel ready. Alternatively you can journal and do breathe work which can also get at this stuff. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by Lyubov

[Raptorsin7]

@Lyubov Wow very cool, i'm glad i found someone in a similar spot as me. I will definitely look into psychidelic therapy. I already do psychs on my own, but my past few experiences haven't been great, but i'm going to power through.

I should also add that my one break through experience came on LSD, after 2 weeks of pretty hard core practices. When the tension in the head/crown area is fully let go, everything in life made sense i had bliss flowing through me and i thought i was enlightened. What a day haha.

Do you have insights into the journaling breath work combo? So you journal while doing breath work? Or you do them separately? 

[Lyubov]

12 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Lyubov Wow very cool, i'm glad i found someone in a similar spot as me. I will definitely look into psychidelic therapy. I already do psychs on my own, but my past few experiences haven't been great, but i'm going to power through.

I should also add that my one break through experience came on LSD, after 2 weeks of pretty hard core practices. When the tension in the head/crown area is fully let go, everything in life made sense i had bliss flowing through me and i thought i was enlightened. What a day haha.

Do you have insights into the journaling breath work combo? So you journal while doing breath work? Or you do them separately? 

I've had a similar experience as well. Have had it about 2-3 times  Had a full breakthrough after meditating and felt a wonderful energy that lasted with me for a day where I felt enlightened, clear thoughts and love for myself and everything. Have crashed a few times as well after, was not comfortable at all lol. I think the process is like a spiral where we continually go around through this artfully and carefully and each time we release deeper and deeper until we are able to integrate everything and feel at peace with ourselves, others, the world and present in the moment.

I've done both wim hof and holotropic breathe work. Sometimes I will do a guided wim hof session cause I really like him as a person and I feel supported hearing his voice encourage me through the breathing. Other times I will put on music and just sort of go with the flow for 45 minutes doing as many rounds that feel right for me. I will usually journal after. I've sat and done deep belly breathing while journaling. It helps to sit up right when writing for me. I've done it on my side after breathing but I think I'm able to approach the writing from a clearer headspace sitting up straight. When I journal I'll usually just write about how I'm feeling, how my body feels, any thoughts on what came up and to top it off I'll write down a few things I'm grateful for and a love letter to myself. 

 

[Lyubov]

2 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

If you haven't already tried it, Vipassana meditation is another very powerful technique for releasing and resolving trapped psycho-emotional energy in the body. I've found it to be extremely powerful, the drawback is the amount of time, dedication and elimination of distractions it requires to get results. All very difficult in this day and age.

 

 

Hey  thanks, yeah I have heard of it and tried it. I've done a couple of those 10 day free retreats taught by those video discourse by Goenka several years back and maintained a daily practice for a little. For me personally I don't find it to be particularly effective but it is a good technique to learn.

Edited May 31, 2020 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

Watch what you surround yourself with when you start falling unconscious 

So there is quite a bit of civil unrest right now in the US. It has had me glued to live streams and twitter. It's really great we have this technology today to communicate with each other in ways we couldn't before and share knowledge and information almost instantly. I have found myself falling unconscious however last night. Around 8 years ago I had an online "troll" phase I came out of where I would get into arguments with people online on message boards and reddit. While watching one of the youtube streams last night I found myself unconsciously starting to fall back into this old habit where I was spamming the chat with anti-cop insults to combat the racist comments I was seeing.... I don't like how this feels and I don't think this is a productive way to spend my time helping work on and heal this societal issue. Solution? I pressed the hide button on the chat  I'm going to be more mindful during the time when I'm feeling more emotional so I can make more conscious choices instead of falling into negative patterns and behaviors. It's interesting how we pick up energy from the environments we surround ourselves in depending on our level on consciousness. The time to be most mindful of this phenomena is when feeling sad about something. 

[Lyubov]

Loving myself fully and unconditionally sometimes feels like it's the hardest thing in the world to do and I am terrified to let go, surrender and dissolve into this love

[Lyubov]

I'm really desiring to have a deep psychedelic trip but I'm not sure now is the right time. I have other things in my life I'd like to focus on and don't wish to juggle that with integrating a deep experience. I feel like I need to shoot this arrow and let it hit the target I have aimed for before going back to the formless source. There still is an inner part of me that feels like a trip might aid this however but I'm never really sure what lessons might lay on the other side so I'm hesitant currently. I'm considering doing some MDMA work. I haven't rolled in so many years. I think this may expand my capacity to love and help me make better decisions in life from a more genuine place. I'm excited to do some work on MDMA

[ElenaO]

Are there any side effects for lifting weights as a woman? Asking because I am interested to know if I could ever do that. I know that doctors told me earlier I shouldn't lift anything too heavy, plus I had hormonal issues before. 

[Lyubov]

8 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Are there any side effects for lifting weights as a woman?  

A much stronger, healthier body that you feel confident in and also more toned and in better shape so considered physically more attractive by most people. Many doctors in modern medicine don't have the first clue about strength, conditioning and fitness and aren't even in very good shape themselves. I have some resources for you bellow. 

 

 

 

No...  you are not going to get huge and look like Starla out of nowhere 

 

 

[Lyubov]

"The extent to which you want something is often times proportional to your fear of not obtaining it."

This is resonating with me currently.

Often times I wish I didn't feel everything I feel... think everything I think... feel confused by my experience and wish to have calm emotional mastery 24/7. Perhaps my drive and desire and seeking this sense of inner peace, total healing and self acceptance is acting as a cage of sorts... where the real healing lies outside of it entirely 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

 

Making a new dream board  I still have some more stuff to add to finish the composition. When that's done I'll add some text/logos for the different domains and some effects 

[Lyubov]

 

Finished  made it my desktop background 

[Lyubov]

Been feeling hella lethargic this week. Have a very mild sore throat. Hope I'm not ill. Missed the gym today because of it and haven't done my full work out the last two sessions. Feeling slightly sad and depressed as well from feeling this lazy. I have the tools to work through this and am overall in a good and stable place. I've been feeling good about myself a lot recently as well. I hope I can regain some energy by the end of this week. I would like to start making some serious plans for the fall but I just don't know enough about what the world will look like then to really commit to anything. I also have some paper work held up currently by the world events. Occasionally I feel sort of sad and nauseous but I experience it and let it go as much as I can. I'm kinda feeling decent overall though for a while now so I'm taking a positive outlook and I'm feeling gratitude for my current situation and self love for myself  Hope I'll be feeling better by Friday so I can really go hard in the gym!  

[Lyubov]

Y'all I'm honestly feeling really depressed, sad and hopeless this month. I'm grateful my thinking is mostly clear however because I have been in much worse mental places before. Emotionally I just feel really down and I don't understand it. It's like I kind of know where and what it's coming from but I don't fully understand it and it's hard to link everything together. Covid is starting to take its toll on my life plans. I'm out of work and although I'm good financially it's making me worry about money.  I'm also feeling abandoned some by my family. I'm surrendering to it however and just going with the flow. I'm tired of looking for conflict and problems to solve. I have good health and am for the most part in a really good financial situation so I am going to focus on gratitude and love. I'm finding old traumas surfacing during this covid stuff which makes me feel really emotional and sort of gross. I don't always like feeling all this past stuff and I don't like all the strange dreams I get from them... they make me feel sort of scared and ungrounded sometimes. I'm hoping the covid situation will normalize some so I can get some more grounding through work but as of now I just have to surrender to the current situation. I'll look for something part time in the area I'm moving to. Hopefully there is something I can do to keep me busy. I don't think distraction is healthy but at the same time I think over focusing on emotional stuff coming up can sometimes consume and bring down myself making it really hard to process, resolve and let go. I'm thinking of talking to my therapist again who I haven't seen in a while. I find this to be quite helpful when I go through stormy times. Even if I'm in a situation that isn't so dire I've found at least talking to someone every other week can really be supportive. I'm glad Skype is a thing  I'm really hoping the covid situation is solved soon. It's taking it's toll on my life emotionally and I think surrendering to this is really the best I can do. I've found surrendering and looking for solutions aren't mutually exclusive. You can focus on surrender some part of the day and then the other focus on searching for solutions. Both are helpful!

 

Edited July 24, 2020 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

Im planning to revive this in 2021 and use it to help me build discipline