How to recognize and deal with "vampirism" - how to understand intentions?

[Rhia]

Hello Everyone,

I would like to hear your opinion about a specific case that triggered generic questions. The attitudes described here may seem weird, but don't imagine a US or European environment however, I don't want to provide the geographic location not to violate anyone giving space to unnecessary speculation.

I start with the actual question, and below the Italics, you find the story itself in case you need the context.

So there are people who

1., state to give in unselfish manners but then it turns out that they consider it an investment simply (so they violate the original deal). How do you filter without running with the person on the same tracks for months (sometimes years) just to realize the mind game?

2., at the end, they are willing to take more or different from what they have "invested" - how to be still fair and keep the balance (equal give and take)? - Do you have to keep your part of a deal, if they violated theirs? Is there such an obligation? Do you have obligations towards those who didn't comply?

3., use the work and efforts of others in subtle and hideous ways to show off as if it was all their own merit - how to protect your own progress, efforts, and results as your own, remaining a giving, kind person, not violating your own standards or personality (not becoming a paranoid a-hole)? How do you pick the right cherry?

The story:
Recently a work acquaintance was helping me, giving lots of help related to my work claiming that it is all unselfish, despite I asked him several times what is the deal here. Each time he answered that there is no deal, the business opportunities come along are just enough. I found it a little weird, but to keep the balance (and thinking he was giving a "hint" regarding business opportunities), I tried to evolve a business relationship between him and my company, which went wonderfully for about 6 months, until my boss pulled out from it but he never explained why (it should have been a red flag!).

When  COVID19 struck, I started to search for temporary jobs online. My friend offered me to work in the company he was involved in for the time being, but he never clarified his role, he said it was the business of "equals" (seemingly some are indeed more equal than others). I have been working part-time in social media for a long time, and this guy was asking me tons of questions, stating that he does not know anything about the topic, and he needs someone who does. He was also asking for my marketing plans, business plans, ideas, opinions, so on, but I did not consider this wrong, as before he provided me loads of help that were invaluable for my work, so I felt things were in balance.
I started to work in the company he was involved in, but quickly I found myself doing a lot more than originally agreed; all the graphic designs, communication with the customers, coordination with teachers (we organized online training sessions), plus preparing for my own lessons, doing and planning the campaigns for all other instructors, (and I will get paid only for my own courses and the designs), plus I came out with ideas that the company is still running and making money by... 

It turned out that my "friend" knew everything better, and we quickly started to have daily arguments, because he ran into and tried to push through trivial mistakes (technical know-how) trying to keep the illusion of being in control, being the decision-maker (he tried to give the impression to everyone, that he is having the upper hand in terms of position AND knowledge, and the latter one actually blew my mind). 

He asked for updates several times a day often with 20 minutes of difference (obviously in work group chat), constantly called, messaged, many times he called at 10 pm to enquire about one thing and started with the same thing early in the morning, so I started to deflect all, as he clearly overwhelmed me, and when I told him so, he pushed even more, which was completely out of his character I knew previously (which tells me he kept pretending something he wasn't for almost a year - am I misreading?). Eventually, I came to know that he was "advertising" himself as the brain of the company and he is the one doing everything around, and he calls himself the marketing manager. Even until today I don't have the slightest idea what he was actually doing in terms of work other than keep getting in my face.

Lucky me I didn't leave my original company when he was suggesting...

I feel overthrown because he stated to have been giving for no benefits, he was taking back unfairly, and showed up results as his own that clearly weren't on his merits. I feel used and so silly. I have known this person for a year, and he was deluding me for about 11 months and showed his real face in just 1. This is scary. I believe this is vampirism.

[Average Investor]

It sounds like this was more of a post to vent. Although, I figured I would say that in the future I would just avoid mixing friends too much with work and same with romantic relationships. It never seems to end well in my experience. Same with having a friend as a business partner is usually not that great. Although, you could find the perfect person to work with or run a business with you have to be a good judge of character and know your own work style. 

Your friend likely just has really poor leadership skills. Not that they want to hurt or manipulate you most likely. Rather that they think they are properly managing and helping the organization. Some people are definitely not cut out for it. Ironically a lot of bosses assume someone cut throat is the best, but that judgement itself shows poor leadership abilities. 

Your friendship is probably not that strong being as it has hardly been a year since you have been friends in the first place. Taking a commitment to working with someone like that is hard. You have to consider humans typically put their interests as a top priority as well, which you can use to your benefit if you can meet somewhere in the middle. People aren't usually wanting to just help others just because, but it does happen. 

It's a good experience to learn from though. I hope you can put this to good use. 

[Rhia]

@Average Investor Thank you for the answer. Part of it was indeed a vent, but it all annoyed me so much, because it is not the first case I bump into this, so I started to raise my eyebrows and question myself; is it me? Is it the place (I didn't have it before at other places)? Am I misreading people? The friend was rather an acquaintance, we hardly ever talked about personal stuff, but in business he seemed reliable (again, I have mistranslated something). what you said is all very useful. Basically what didn't come through in my post is that I am blaming myself, because I didn't notice the direction it was all going, and I may have been extremely naive. Or he thought I was. It is more comforting to think he is simply a bad leader, and that wouldn't put me in the light of a blind, naive person. Hope you are right.

Thank you again

[Average Investor]

@Rhia It's always good to analyze yourself and see how you can improve. You are in the most control of that anyone. From what you described that just sounds like someone that is a bad leader. It takes some time to learn to read people for sure. I have lost thousands of dollars from making poor choices of people that I associated with. I have learned some really good lessons though. 

You'll move forward and grow from the situation. I would work on less trying to paint a picture of them being a negative person if you can. More just observe from them in what you can improve yourself. Easier said than done and it is something that I am working on myself. You're going to run into a lot of people an situations you cannot control. You can use those to your advantage by using it to grow yourself. However, if you can limit and distance yourself from those situations that is likely a better route. 

 

[universe]

Yes, making others believe your ideas are their own is one of the best ways to get them realized.

What was the problem, did they fire you? Did they stop paying you? When you work in a company all work you do there belongs to the company. In turn the money they pay you belongs to you. At least thats the way it is in my country.

If you didnt like the job there, why didnt you quit? Why didnt you tell your friend you want more money or less work? Seems like there was a communication problem. Learn to say no to things.

Edited May 26, 2020 by universe