Dating someone much older than you

[flowboy]

@Stratos Only you can decide this. The best way is to decide based on principles. What do you value most? If you care about being able to be honest and authentic, do that. If you care more about sexual experience, then don't.

No wrong or right here. Just a case where you have to decide what principle you like, act based on that, see what happens, and learn

[flowboy]

@Stratos Here, check out this list of core values I found on google: https://thehappinessplanner.com/pages/list-of-core-values
 

If you pick 5 you like, and then order them by importance, that will tell you what to do.

It's a really important exercise as a young person.

 

Cause I can recommend honesty all I want, but when I was 18 and in a similar situation, I cared more about having a good story to tell and prolonging the experience. And so I acted accordingly.

Today I wouldn't do that again, but in that time it made sense. Although I don't like what I did.

[flowboy]

20 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

That's a normal relationship. Not a toxic relationship. Fighting and breaking up is fine. But feeling that you were hurt in a toxic relationship has more dangerous effects and its best to avoid them. 

Also this is not to say to someone to not explore the world of relationships. It's only a way of telling them to be safe. Because you know many people are vulnerable. 

 

I think you are making a very important point here. Someone truly taking advantage of you, is indeed to be avoided.

Perhaps I'm weighing that too lightly because it didn't happen in my case. I was in love and so was she. It was beautiful for 7 months.

So now of course I'm hoping and assuming that this case is as beautiful and innocent as that.

I could be wrong though.

@Stratos It's important to realise that there is a high potential for abuse here. Meaning, she easily could take advantage of you, even though she may not be. Because you have feelings for her, and she's older, she could start to be manipulative and you'd not easily recognize it for lack of experience.
 

One thing that doesn't really bode well for her character is that she's doing this with her friends' son, and your mom doesn't know (I assume?)

That's not cool. You have to recognize that that is at least suspicious. It can mean that she likes you so much she just couldn't help herself, or it can mean that she's selfish and not a true friend.

@Preety_India You seem to know about abusive relationships, can you maybe name some more signs that @Stratos should look out for?

- I would for example run very far away, if she caused conflict between you and your mom, and you feel compelled to choose sides. That's a red flag.

Edited May 25, 2020 by flowboy

[Stratos]

@flowboy The thing about the values makes much sense. The choice I shall make is really on what I want more. And if I had to choose then I would go with being honest, even if that means losing sex. But I would like to hear more about your opinions about the matter, it's best when you have a spherical view on a subject you can't really see objectively

[Elisabeth]

3 hours ago, Stratos said:

But asking her straight doesn't that prove that I'm immature? Aren't things much more clear for her? That means that the problem is me... 

Direct communication is not immature, quite the opposite. 

And no, things aren't necessarily more clear to her. They might be, she might be very clear on her own motives and limitations - or not - and she almost certainly isn't clear about your motivations. 

So have that conversation. It need not be dramatic. If you're having some nice quiet time, ask. 'Where would you like this to go? Do you want to keep it casual or have a relationship? I would like ...' 

[Preety_India]

32 minutes ago, flowboy said:

You seem to know about abusive relationships, can you maybe name some more signs that @Stratos should look out for?

The fact that she is not respecting her friend by having a relationship with her friends son is very telling 

And the other fact being that she already had sex with him and he is still not sure about what is going on. That's a very bad part. Because when sexual intimacy is reached, most people are emotionally comfortable with each other. That's why it's called intimacy. Her signs are that of a person who is very reckless of boundaries or very manipulative and just using a younger person for fun and games, not having any regard for his emotional state or how this experience will affect him. I personally feel she is enjoying this, probably it makes her ego feel better that she is screwing a young guy, or else if she was really emotionally committed, wouldn't she already have confessed her feelings before or after sex. The fact that the guy is confused tells me that she is unbothered about emotional things and probably just toying around and might have done this with many young men in the pursuit of pleasure and ego satisfaction. This is a big drama she is creating. If the friend finds out I don't know how it's going to be. Maybe she doesn't care if she loses a friend and ends up emotionally damaging her son. I'm presuming that the mother doesn't know this and probably would not approve of this. A highly manipulative person would want to have a close friendship with a family member and an intimate relationship with another family member. This is usually seen in abusive relationships where the main purpose is control. Controlling an entire family is some sort of a fun for abusers. This is not active abuse. But it's a passive form of covert abuse that is not visible at first. This woman has to be extremely power hungry if she is not genuine about this relationship. The whole aspect of friendship with the mother and screwing the son at the same time gives a vibe of a very controlling power hungry person who derives pleasure out of knowing that they have everything at their fingertips. She is the likely one to call the shots. 

I mean just reverse this scenario. Let's say two older men. One has an extremely young daughter. The friend wants to screw this man's daughter when he is not around. Just think how creepy it sounds. 

 

[intotheblack]

I don't know why everyone is assuming the 35 year old woman must be manipulative and toxic, and must be sleeping around with other men.  If anything I would be more concerned that the young guy was being a player. lol.  if this was the other way around and the female was younger than the male, nobody would care right? a 20 year old woman and 35 year old man, nobody gives a shit.  the thing regarding being the friend of the mother, I mean shit happens, you can't really help who you are attracted to.  everyone is so judgemental.  are they best friends or just know each other? yeah it could be an awkward situation for a while, just depends if people can accept it and get over it.

 I'm 8 years older than my boyfriend (23 and 31) in the beginning as with any relationship we didn't know where it was headed, but we have been honest with each other the whole time and now we are in a loving relationship. we have both been scared at times but we worked through it and it makes you stronger in the long run.  it all depends if you are on the same level emotionally. Thats why you need to talk shit out together to see where your values lie.  it works for us because he is very mature for his age, so we kinda meet in the middle. I think you should just talk it out, be honest, it totally hurts more to stay in relationship limbo and not knowing what's happening.   just think 5 minutes of fear (bringing up the topic of where the relationship is going) to find out where you stand.  after that you can decide what is the next step.  the worst that can happen is she says she doesn't feel the same, then you can move on from it.  good luck   

[Arcangelo]

Dude! You are not aston kushner, and it didn't end well for him either.

-Prolong the sex

-don't get her pregnant

-assume she is fucking other dudes, because she is.

-and when it is all over, tell your mom.

[intotheblack]

@Etherial Cat

yes you have some good points and I can agree with some, but I also think it depends on the people involved.  for sure when I was in my 20s I was very immature and had a a lot of growing to do emotionally. I didn't know how to control my emotions and would be partying a lot.   whereas my Boyfriend at age 23 had a strong upbringing and so he has high emotional intelligence already.  whereas it took me longer to get to the point he is at now.  I have learned so much from him since we met, we both help each other in different ways.  he also has already done a lot of stuff travelling and having different experiences, much more than what I had done at age 23.  So actually if we met each other and were both 23, it wouldn't work.

I have dated people the same age as me, who were very immature, couldn't be honest, just want to party etc. at age 30 plus.  and they are still playing games and messing girls around now. 

 sometimes you simply meet people who you really connect with and can learn from each other regardless of age.  I'm not trying to control him in any way or make him do anything he doesn't wanna do. we are choosing to be together, and both are free to travel and go out with friends when we want. 

I Just don't think we (society) should be judging the older/younger person in the relationship for dating a younger/older person.  we don't know what path they are on and what they have already been through to get to the stage they at now..

 

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, Stratos said:

I see, the whole situation is doomed if proceeded to something more serious. But how can I train myself to accept that what I feel doesn't mean something and I should just enjoy sex. 

I mean, how can I not let my emotions for this woman affect me negatively and then us as "sex partners"

It doesn't need to be just about sex. It can be whatever you want it to be, but don't get too attached to it. This is basically true of any relationship. Feel whatever emotions feel natural.

The real issue here is the attachment and clinging.

[Stratos]

I took into consideration everything I've read here and I would really like to thank each and every one you that took the time to consult me concerning my problem. 

The truth is that she realised that I was behaving a little weird and I was blacking out into space from time to time. So we decided to talk and I told myself that I would be true to her. And I was. 

I explained that although I do not want to go full serious (relationship from the beginning) i was concerned that she would she other men too. She replied that she has already been to the situation where she was seeing multiple men  (and she is not proud about it) and wouldn't like to do it again. ( In my opinion maybe for the best cause now she doesn't have any bottled up feelings). She then added that she feels bad that we have to keep this a secret from my mother but we both agreed that for the time is best to keep it that way. Lastly, we made a deal to be 100% honest with each other since communication is really good between us.

P.S another question of mine was, how can a woman seek something more than sex with a person that cannot provide the things that a guy at her age could give her, to which she replied that if she wanted to be provided with things she would go to someone that would do that and either cut it off with me or even not start anything at all.

 

To sum up, I believe that trust is number one when you want to build something, anything actually with another human being. So I will choose to trust her words and see where this leads us.

 

Have a beautiful night (or day) wherever you are and thank you again for being here to support me.

[Preety_India]

@Stratos

Well it seems like she is good at understanding your emotions and her responses are very thoughtful and considerate. So best wishes to both of you and trust is the main component of your relationship. So I hope everything turns out good in the end. 

 

 

[Stratos]

@Preety_India Your words are kind and I really appreciate them. 

[The observer]

I'm surprised that you're even taking this thing seriously and asking questions and considering opinions. Dude, relax. You are having easy sex with someone who doesn't want to commit. That's the dream. She might be sleeping with others, but so what? As long as she's clean and without STDs, there's nothing to worry about.

[Gili Trawangan]

24 minutes ago, The observer said:

Dude, relax.

Right back at you. Has it occurred to you that people are different? That they feel and see things differently? Not everyone is about easy sex.

OP asked a genuine question and got some insightful answers. Yours is not one of them.

[The observer]

@Gili Trawangan Dude, relax.

[Elton]

@Stratos everyone will tell you that this relationship is wrong and you must quit. 

Moral of the story is you listen to what you think is right , if you really love her I suggest that you enjoy each and every moment spent with her be expressive to her about how you feel. Elder woman like that.. 

Just enjoy and savor each and every moment, you won't regret it. 

See if it works out or not, when you spend enough time with her the age gap will dissolve. 

Enjoy life you have just 1.

[Onfeetable]

I think this is a bad idea. Of course, it depends on the age difference, but in my opinion this is not normal! Better will be to search some other variants, especially that nowadays it is very simple. Just try some dating app like DoULike, as for me it is great https://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/doulike-review-summary

Edited May 30, 2020 by Onfeetable

[Onemanwolfpac]

On 24/05/2020 at 9:01 PM, Arcangelo said:

She is already doing that, sorry.

I was thinking this. The age difference is a deal breaker. Furthermore, I don't see the value of a ltr if not having children at some point. Can she? Say, a few year's from now? Is that even safe? 

TS, mate the caring part is overrated if it impedes yolo. What do you even want? The last girl I went out with was 8 years younger. Always younger. It's what I'm physically and sexually attracted too. What do you even Care to pursue? I want to have fun. Live for the night.