Is this "enlightenment" or am i going crazy.

[Mosess]

So i have been doing some deep consciousness work for a while now (it has been almost 7 months) but i still can't get over what i have experienced in my first 2 months of meditating and it is really messing with my life now.

 

A few months ago something "triggered" in me. I was perceiving everything like it was "too real" that it was unreal if that makes any sense.. I had no idea what everything (reality) is, who i am, how it is even possible that this very moment is happening or "existing", i felt that i literally lost my mind. It got to the point where i was Looking at my mothers face and not recognizing who she was. looking at my own HANDS as if they where "alien" and not knowing what they are or how they even exist, what my thoughts were and where they came from and to whom they are going too, (how everything exists really at that point).I was conscious that everything was temporary, that includes literally EVERY SINGLE THING, and that i do not know anything, and for some reason i did not talk to anyone about what has happened because deep down i knew it wouldn't really change anything.. This experience lasted for about almost a week (waking up everyday and just staring curiously at everything like i had never seen anything before)

 

The problem now is that i still haven't deeply figured out what that experience was. It felt useless to talk to anyone i know, or anyone on here really because i knew deep down that it wouldn't change the fact that I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, and that No-one really knows anything too. That was so disturbing to me that it traumatized me, and has made me change my attitude towards everything in life.

 

I cannot joke with my friends as i used to, am extremely DE-motivated to do anything and am now dealing with HUGE emotional mood swings daily because of the "meaningless" of whatever this moment is. It is super hard sometimes to just accept that i am alone in this world (which i was also conscious of when that happened). I am however MUCH more present right now.

I am maintaining my daily meditation as a habit although it is pretty difficult to sometimes. 

 

Am i facing a mental disorder? or is this what they call "enlightenment" because it isn't really as pleasant as what the mainstream people paint it to be.I wouldbe grateful for any wise advice on what i should do to solve some of those problems that i am currently facing!  

Edited May 23, 2020 by Mosess

[Espaim]

Quote

Is this "enlightenment" or am i going crazy.

Yes

Quote

I cannot joke with my friends as i used to, am extremely DE-motivated to do anything and am now dealing with HUGE emotional mood swings daily because of the "meaningless" of whatever this moment is

Meaninglessness isn't necessarily negative. That's a meaning you attributed to it.

I went through something similar some months ago but to be honest my whole personality changed. I don't even know how I arrived at where I am but the awakenings I had had a great amount of influence. The mood swings stopped but my motivation for doing or not doing things changed a lot.

I'd recommend you to watch those videos:

 

 

[Seraphim]

@Mosess Are you familiar with the term "derealization"? Your consciousness work may have triggered derealization. It seems you have also expanded your consciousness a bit, but you are not at the final destination so don't worry, you are not doomed to experience this pseudo-reality state forever. When you finally reach the last stage, and you look at things there will be a clear sense that it's you, but you will still know that's it's different from your body and you will have the natural understanding of what it is, just like you had before. Your mom will still be your mom, but you will also feel that she, and everything is your own Self. It's the best feeling ever, truly.

 

[traveler]

Hey. I think I know what you're going through. I went through the same phase a couple of years ago. 

Don't worry. Everything is okay. 

Free fall/unknowingness can be extremely disorienting in this "phase". You're trying to find grounding, but it is like nailing a nail in the sky. You'll find eventually that freefall is all there is, and that it is paradoxically ordinary and grounded when you let it be and stop resisting it. 

Realise that this was never known. Realise that there are no rules, no need for this to be in any certain way. Have a laugh with you're friends, do whatever you want, there was no real meaning in the first place anyway. If you take a good look, meaning doesn't actually mean anything. There is no inside or outside of you, there is only you, infinitely whole. You're empty and full, you're everything and nothing.

Most importantly you're nothing of what you just read. You are what you just read.

 

[Gili Trawangan]

8 hours ago, Mosess said:

or is this what they call "enlightenment" because it isn't really as pleasant as what the mainstream people paint it to be

Was it really unpleasant at the time or are you, now that the 'me' is back, now calling it unpleasant?

I'm sincerely asking, I've had a similar experience on mushrooms but there was struggle going on, the ego wanted to come back. But I'm not sure it was unpleasant or if I'm making up a story about it.

[Leo Gura]

@Mosess That was a tiny glimpse, but clearly you're still not awake and not clear about the nature of reality/self/God/consciousness.

You must go much deeper to reach a stable awakening.

The ego-mind will go through stuff like Dark Night of the Mind and Dark Night of the Soul. It will react in all sorts of sneaky ways to get you to stop fully awakening.

It's all normal stuff.

[ADD]

55 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Mosess That was a tiny glimpse, but clearly you're still not awake and not clear about the nature of reality/self/God/consciousness.

You must go much deeper to reach a stable awakening.

The ego-mind will go through stuff like Dark Night of the Mind and Dark Night of the Soul. It will react in all sorts of sneaky ways to get you to stop fully awakening.

It's all normal stuff.

The stable awakening comes gradually for most people, the old mind patterns still continue to exist for some time before they loose their strength gradually when you are no longer taking them as reality.

[Mosess]

@Gili Trawangan it felt as equally terrifying as it was beautiful or mysterious/magical in a way. The terrifying part was mostly in "my mind", knowing that it wouldn't ever grasp or understand the significance of what the present moment is. 

[Leo Gura]

17 minutes ago, Mosess said:

knowing that it wouldn't ever grasp or understand the significance of what the present moment is.

You can grasp it, as God/Love

The best is yet ahead for you. Keep inquiring what reality is.

[zeroISinfinity]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Mosess That was a tiny glimpse, but clearly you're still not awake and not clear about the nature of reality/self/God/consciousness.

• Done that part

You must go much deeper to reach a stable awakening.

• Ok kinda stabilazing this Love thing I feel and coming with terms with it. Really there is no "salvation" from Heart. So I accept it. 

The ego-mind will go through stuff like Dark Night of the Mind and Dark Night of the Soul. It will react in all sorts of sneaky ways to get you to stop fully awakening.

• This is actually the most difficult stuff. Really difficult stuff comes post Enlightenment. Boys you have no idea yet. 

It's all normal stuff.

• I really hope so. 

 

[Leo Gura]

@zeroISinfinity If you need help with understanding and navigating the ego backlashes that come on the spiritual path you should read some of the books from my book list in the Spirituality category which specifically talk about these issues and how to deal with them.

[Frosty97]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

If you need help with understanding and navigating the ego backlashes that come on the spiritual path you should read some of the books from my book list in the Spirituality category which specifically talk about these issues and how to deal with them.

Are you talking about "Consciousness & Enlightenment" category because you don't have a Spirituality category.

[Mosess]

12 hours ago, Espaim said:

 

I went through something similar some months ago but to be honest my whole personality changed. I don't even know how I arrived at where I am but the awakenings I had had a great amount of influence. The mood swings stopped but my motivation for doing or not doing things changed a lot.

I'd recommend you to watch those videos:

 

 

I'll watch them again, thank you for the recommendations  

[Nahm]

Welcome to the forum.

You are creating your reality, it can be everything you want, so much so that you already are / it already is but you aren’t realizing this yet. Take complete responsibility for creating perspectives & emotions, and for all of your choices thus far. 

Sounds like you’re currently getting stuck in initial paradoxes, flirting with solipsism & nihilism. Open mindedness & inspection is key to mind expansion & transcendence of paradigms & paradoxes. Inspect direct experience, the path is inward & backwards. 

You can definitely joke with your friends! Don’t fall for that trap. You are not alone in this world! Don’t fall for that trap either. Notice how you’re framing things up, such as saying you’re alone in the world, yet using “what people paint it to be” as a measuring stick. Notice you are creating “problems” & “solutions”, and experiencing what you’re creating!  Also notice you’re claiming you’re present / aware yet creating “HUGE emotional mood swings” - creating experience you don’t even want, while saying you’re aware. No one would every consciously choose not to feel good. Don’t settle for labels like ‘crazy’, ‘ego backlash’, ‘trauma’, ‘disturbing’, ‘losing my mind’, & ‘mental disorder’ - inspect what is actual! 

Transcend the paradoxes you’re getting stuck in. Never ignore or underestimate the fallout of remaining unconscious, from lack of inspection. Lives go by too quickly for that. Appreciate the many levels of sneakery of thought, and give much more importance to nuance & the distinctions you’re making. Realize, feel, the satisfaction & inspiration as you transcend these ‘things’. Don’t settle for what doesn’t feel good by labelling or using ”your self”, or “other people” in your thought narratives. There is no such thing as a ‘true thought’. Transcend thought, by ‘going prior’ to it. There’s nothing to know, yet plenty yet to understand about oneself. Peel away every write off. You’re creating it all. ? Enjoy the ride!

[Mosess]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You can grasp it, as God/Love

The best is yet ahead for you. Keep inquiring what reality is.

Will do, thank you for doing what you do.  

[Mosess]

27 minutes ago, Nahm said:

 

Sounds like you’re currently getting stuck in initial paradoxes, flirting with solipsism & nihilism. Open mindedness & inspection is key to mind expansion & transcendence of paradigms & paradoxes. Inspect direct experience, the path is inward & backwards. 

 

I agree with you.

The conclusion that i have reached back then was that "I" was the only one who was consciously seeing/hearing/feeling everything at that exact moment for what it felt like the first time. That "I" was purely subjective, and was the only thing that exists. 

However it also felt as if this pure subjective "I" was perceiving everything through this "body" (including the perception of the body) and the "mind", and so it felt that "I" was inside of this "body/mind"

Is it possible that i might have misinterpreted this pure subjectivity with this objective body because of that feeling where i was perceiving everything through this body, and so solipsism happens?  

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

 

You can definitely joke with your friends! Don’t fall for that trap. You are not alone in this world! Don’t fall for that trap either. Notice how you’re framing things up, Such as saying you’re alone in the world, yet using “what people paint it to be” as a measuring stick. Notice you are creating “problems” & “solutions”, and experiencing what you’re creating!  Also notice you’re claiming you’re present / aware yet creating “HUGE emotional mood swings” - creating experience you don’t even want, while saying you’re aware. No one would every consciously choose not to feel good. 

 

I am aware that i am currently creating my own problems, and am aware of the reasons behind why those problems are being created.

Being born in a Muslim family and a stage blue culture, where almost everyone close to me is either a Muslim or a Christian, it feels as if i am an "outsider", and so it feels as if i do not belong anywhere.

Somewhere inside i still have not let go completely of Islam because i fear this place called "hell" and therefore think that i do not deserve to be "happy" or feel the joy of living due to leaving or abandoning "Allah", whoever he is  

is that related somehow to my nihilistic worldview? 

[Nahm]

5 minutes ago, Mosess said:

Is it possible that i might have misinterpreted this pure subjectivity with this objective body because of that feeling where i was perceiving everything through this body, and so solipsism happens?

Yep. Minus the ‘happens’. You’re seeing how you’re creating the experience of solipsism.

How does believing you understand subjective & objective feel?

I am aware that i am currently creating my own problems, and am aware of the reasons behind why those problems are being created.

Being born in a Muslim family and a stage blue culture, where almost everyone close to me is either a Muslim or a Christian, it feels as if i am an "outsider", and so it feels as if i do not belong anywhere.

How does believing you’re an outsider feel?

6 minutes ago, Mosess said:

Somewhere inside i still have not let go completely of Islam because i fear this place called "hell" and therefore think that i do not deserve to be "happy" or feel the joy of living due to leaving or abandoning "Allah", whoever he is  

is that related somehow to my nihilistic worldview? 

How does believing in hell feel?

[Mosess]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

 

How does believing you understand subjective & objective feel?

Confusing, like something is missing.

 

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

 

How does believing you’re an outsider feel?

Feels like i am rejected and criticized. 

 

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

 

How does believing in hell feel?

Feels depressing and worrying.

[Nahm]

@Mosess

Perfect. 

 

[Loving Radiance]

11 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

The ego-mind will go through stuff like Dark Night of the Mind and Dark Night of the Soul.

I searched for the difference between DNotM & DNotS... does this quote seem about right?

Quote

The Dark Night of The Mind (which is usually what people call dark night of the soul) is when your expectations/ideas about enlightenment are proven wrong and you have to give them up.

The Dark Night of The Soul is when identifications with aspects of your personality break down.