Extremely worrying boner

[The Monk]

@Nahm I'm understanding that my body emotional response is a thought, but what do I do with that info? 

 

so you're saying that if my thought is a figment of my imagination then so is my emotional response?  omg, it feels like I'm being mindblown 

[Roy]

First of all you can't truly your control your physical response to stuff, especially sexual responses. If you get a boner, you get one, it just happens. Of course there is the shame of what exactly you got the arousal from but at least now you can take a step back for a moment to calm yourself realizing it wasn't your fault.

The fact you didn't indulge it and are self-aware enough to come out quickly and speak about what happened publicly should give you a pretty good indicator that you're not a pedophile. So don't panic or beat yourself up too much.

Let's just worry about the important part which is asking why this happened, discover seeing what conditions might have caused this to happen, and if we have any control over changing the conditions for the future.

You did mention you were watching porn before hand and there were similar positions involved, which could have been a contributor. But can you remember what kind of headspace, or specific emotions and thoughts you were having before you came across this image? Be as detailed as you can here, it's important because we might be able to pinpoint what triggered or led up to this and understand it's root better.

Feel free to PM me if you wish to keep it private.

 

 

[The Monk]

@Roy I'll pm you since I really want to clear my head up. Also, thanks for the advice. 

[lostmedstudent]

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

Other than feeling, how can you tell if a thought about yourself it true?

You cannot. How you feel is as true as it gets. But then what to do about that ?!?

[The Monk]

@Roy dude, I feel even more sickened with myself, since I feel like I must have said something wrong for you to not respond to me. Am I messed up? Please tell me honestly dude, I'm sorry. 

[The Monk]

@Nahm Did you manage to get my message? Sorry if I said anything to disturb or offend you, if that's the reason as to why I'm being ignored, I am deserving of it. So please forgive me I just really need some help, when I'm at one of the worst points in my life.

[Raptorsin7]

@The Monk When I was in highschool we were watching a movie in class and there was a scene with a bunch of guys in a locker room and I got a boner.

I spent a year with compulsive thoughts about the potential for me to be gay, it was miserable. I would do stuff like watch porn with a guy and test myself to see If I got another boner lol.

After about a year it got better and it was less of a serious issue, but I think a lot of the problems were created by the resistance to being gay.

I know it's hard to accept those thoughts, but maybe if you just accepted the worst case over and over again eventually the thoughts wouldn't bother you. I'm not saying you have to go out and act on those thoughts, but fully accept yourself and this potential "bad" thing.

By acceptance I mean learn to sit with the thoughts and the resulting emotions without reacting to them. Just be with them.

You're looking for external validation from other people about this issue but I don't think you'll find what you're looking for, relief from the obsessive thoughts.

This is a problem of inside you, based on your ability to deal with obsessive thoughts and the underlying emotional content of the thoughts. You have to deal with that discord, and learn to accept and let go so the thoughts don't trigger you. No one can tell you you're okay, and then you're okay. 

Until you face the thoughts head on, they could always come back and you'll slip back into that spiral of intrusive thoughts.

[Roy]

19 minutes ago, The Monk said:

@Roy dude, I feel even more sickened with myself, since I feel like I must have said something wrong for you to not respond to me. Am I messed up? Please tell me honestly dude, I'm sorry. 

I didn't get your PM @The Monk

 

[The Monk]

@Raptorsin7 Some people here said I have likely have OCD, but you're telling me I am a pedo and I should just accept that. I'd rather die man... Fuck me, I hate myself and I don't want to ever be that, I want to make kids smile not cry. But you'll say well you can still be a good person, no if I don't have certainty that I'm not a pedo, I feel like it's going to kill me slowly. 

[The Monk]

@ajasatya @Serotoninluv and @Anna1 I also believe you guys give good advice.

I'd greatly appreciate any advice you give me in relation to this matter? 

I vowed to sit at my computer all day, until I get this issue resolved. 

[Raptorsin7]

@The Monk  No no, i'm not saying you are a pedo. You are distorting what I said. I'm saying that if you learn to accept the outcome, not act on it, then it will not affect you and you will be free of it.

I am not a pedofile. But I can imagine myself as a pedofile and it doesn't drive me nuts. If I were extremely resistant to that prospect then it would create suffering for me because I can't control what thoughts are floating in my head. Just accept it and let it go. You don't have to act on those thoughts, and if you learn to just accept them without the reaction then you will be free.

I think you will find peace from this when you learn to sit with the thoughts without the extreme reaction to the content of the thoughts.

[The Monk]

@Raptorsin7 Thank you. So, what I will do is accept the worse possible outcome, since that will help I believe. But, I will tell myself I'm only doing this to minimize my suffering. Besides, I suppose it doesn't matter if I am that or not, if I never act upon it I suppose I am no different to a normal human being, right? 

Only problem is that I 100% know that I am sexually attracted to women, so I think this might confuse me later on, and keep me worrying that I am that which I fear, any suggestions? 

[The Monk]

@Nahm My meditation habit got completely destroyed to nothingness from about a year ago and I have been hesitant to return to it. Do you think returning to that habit  will help with these thoughts? and help my mental well-being? Is that the solution?

[Raptorsin7]

Just now, The Monk said:

Besides, I suppose it doesn't matter if I am that or not, if I never act upon it I suppose I am no different to a normal human being, right? 

The point is to reach a place where the thoughts of you being a pedofile just don't affect you at all. The reasons don't matter, but what matters is you are no longer affected by the potential of you being a pedo. 

You don't have to be a pedo if you don't want to be. Thoughts about being a pedo, doesn't make you a pedo. 

2 minutes ago, The Monk said:

Only problem is that I 100% know that I am sexually attracted to women, so I think this might confuse me later on, and keep me worrying that I am that which I fear, any suggestions? 

Once the thoughts about being a pedo don't trigger you, they will cease to be an issue. You are creating an issue out of the thought, but it doesn't need to be that way. You won't have anytime for the confusion when you're in a great relationship. When life's amazing who has time to worry about this kind of stuff. 

[The Monk]

@Raptorsin7 is it normal for a 21 year old heterosexual male to get a boner to the above picture? I was so worried that I was a pedo that I imagined doing it with the girl, and 4/5 times I didn't get a boner, but then I got a boner when I imagined going inside. It made me feel even more disgusted, and sick to my stomach, that I had to watch more porn to ease the pain. 

I was so scared of the potential that I even stayed away from the 18+ section on porn, so I went to only the elderly women section  I went to bed crying that night. 

I really want the question answered if this is normal or not. Since I never studied science properly, so I don't know how the male body works, and the penis especially.

[Raptorsin7]

@The Monk I can't speak to as to whether it's normal or not, but i had similar compulsions about being gay and it no longer bothers me and I think i'm normal, so it's a totally workable issue imo. 

 I think sexuality is very fluid, and not as concrete as people tend to think. Sometimes random things give us boners and we can't really make sense of it. But i think there is a bigger issue here than the boner. The bigger issue is in the way you're reacting to these thoughts. You don't have to take the thoughts so seriously, but they are clearly getting to you. 

It could be worth finding a therapist who specializes with obsessive thinking and OCD, they could provide great insight to help you heal.

I imagine many people have similar issues to you, but they don't talk about it or seek help. So good on you.

[The Monk]

@Raptorsin7 I think it might be OCD, but I have head that people have be locked up for asking therapists for help about these pedo fears, and so I'm probably not going to do that. 

I don't believe I am a pedo, but I am known to be an overthinker, and a compulsive worrier sometimes. 

What I believe is best for me is the following:

• establishing a meditation habit so I can practice mindfulness again. 
• establishing  a good life for me, with nice external circumstances. 
• learning about how to keep a healthy mental state and reading some books on CBT so I can perform it on myself lol
• Reading and doing alot more praying to god, since I heard that also helps alot of people
• Spending more time with nature to enjoy life

How does that sound to you? 

I feel relieved. Now I think it's time for me to start a new chapter of my life thank you all so much for your help

[Raptorsin7]

@The Monk I really don't think your worries around therapy are true. If you go to a therapist and ask for help about OCD pedo thoughts, there's virtually no way they will throw you in jail. They will try to help you, idk where you heard that.

That sounds like a great plan. Have you read Nahm's thread on using a dream board. I suggest writing all that stuff, and anything else you want, on a dream board.

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, The Monk said:

Did you manage to get my message? Sorry if I said anything to disturb or offend you, if that's the reason as to why I'm being ignored, I am deserving of it. So please forgive me I just really need some help, when I'm at one of the worst points in my life.

I did not receive a message from you. 

3 hours ago, The Monk said:

I'm understanding that my body emotional response is a thought, but what do I do with that info? 

Listen to it. Focus on thoughts that are in accord with feeling. 

1 hour ago, The Monk said:

My meditation habit got completely destroyed to nothingness from about a year ago and I have been hesitant to return to it. Do you think returning to that habit  will help with these thoughts? and help my mental well-being? Is that the solution?

Utilize every resource available to you. 

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

You cannot. How you feel is as true as it gets. But then what to do about that ?!?

There’s nothing you need to do about that.