Extremely worrying boner

[Rilles]

Just now, Charlotte said:

@Rilles I'm curious what points you to this possibly being a shadow trait?

"Im absolutely disgusted by this but I have this feeling" paraphrasing.

Im just saying if he deals with this he may never have the feeling again. I once did a Shadow exercise on a feeling of being Bi and it has never bothered me again. I was like "okay maybe I am doesnt really matter much" I let the feeling express itself in my body and that was it.

Our society has taught us to repress alot of negative feelings and call us bad for having them but repression often creates a dangerous backlash. 

[Nahm]

10 minutes ago, The Monk said:

if reality illustrates to me that I am what I think I am. 

There’s no such thing. That’s your thought, which arose. How bout some humility here?  

 

Other than feeling, how can you tell if a thought about yourself it true?

[Charlotte]

@Rilles Yeah great Thanks for sharing was curious. 

[The Monk]

@Rilles So you think I am that which I fear, and getting a boner to this picture is not normal for a heterosexual male who watches porn? 

I really don't want to be this seriously, please help me. I don't feel like I'm ever going to be able to smile again if I am. I'm probably going to end up living in the woods somewhere to isolate myself from humans, because of the monster I might become. 

[Ry4n]

@Charlotte Ive experienced OCD, I know how the thought process works. Not just talking out of my ass here.

@The Monk How can you know anything? Nothing in life is certain, and that's the biggest fear with OCD, you can NEVER be certain; chasing it will only lead to more suffering. Entertaining these intrusive thoughts is like scratching an itch, the more you scratch the worse it gets. I would definitely recommend a therapist who does CBT, although would also recommend Acceptance and Commitment therapy especially since no therapy is required. 

Real pedophiles don't feel disturbed by their fantasies about kids, they enjoy it the same way any normal person would like porn. 

[Rilles]

3 minutes ago, The Monk said:

@Rilles So you think I am that which I fear, and getting a boner to this picture is not normal for a heterosexual male who watches porn? 

I dont know whats normal, nobody in our society expresses their darkest secrets in public, there might be extremely fucking weird people on the bus standing next to you and you wouldnt know. 

I really don't want to be this seriously, please help me. I don't feel like I'm ever going to be able to smile again if I am. I'm probably going to end up living in the woods somewhere to isolate myself from humans, because of the monster I might become. 

Just let yourself feel whatever you feel. Who taught you to judge yourself so harshly? Feelings dont hurt people, actions hurt people. As long as you are in control of your actions youre not a "monster". But repressing reoccuring emotions might become very dangerous. See the problem is... the emotion is there whether you call it evil or not.

 

[The Monk]

@Ry4n Thanks dude, but you're sure they won't lock me up? Or that it won't be written down on a criminal record? I know that some people can be wrongly accused of stuff, even if they didn't do it. So, if a case occurs and they have records of me saying this shit, surely they're going to suspect me and maybe at worst even imprison me. 

I'm always been known to be an over thinker as well, tbh. I did spend 1/2 weeks being haunted by the fact that I might be gay, so what I did was keep imaging having sex with my friends to see if I get a boner.

But the fact that I got that boner to the image above is what's destroying me. Is this normal, seriously? Why did this happen? btw, thanks so much for your support dude, I feel like I can't reach out to anyone. 

By the way, I'm not angry at your or anything, it's myself that should be blamed. 

I'm pretty sure OCD cases, don't get arousal. Do they? That's what I'm worried about most.  I am a straight male though that watches porn, so idk if my brain is wired to be aroused by anything sexual or not to be honest.  I really pray that I am an OCD case or idk how I'm going to deal with this. 

@Charlotte thank you I'll definitely look into that.

@Nahm I just realized you can't tell if a thought is true, because it's a thought. Thoughts don't exist they're figments of your imagination. 

[Ry4n]

@The Monk considering you haven't committed any crimes, or told them you genuinely want to talk with children and develop some relationship with them, then no, you should be fine. You clearly aren't enjoying these thoughts which I would emphasise.

"The difference between someone living with POCD and an actual pedophile couldn’t be greater. A pedophile takes pleasure in situations in which they have an opportunity to find sexual gratification around children. Someone living with POCD will do the exact opposite. Sufferers of POCD are so horrified by their thoughts that they will avoid children at all costs."

I had homosexual OCD as well, and did the exact same thing you did, and yes got intrusive urges that included a boner (you can read on forums of many others having similar experiences with sexual OCD). As well as constant checking compulsions to see if it would happen again. Over and over again because certainty could never be attained, it was like a drug to me.

This isn't totally about whether or not it's even taboo in culture. There's gay people with STRAIGHT OCD that feel deeply disturbed by the possibility of being straight! It's the fact that these intrusive thoughts/feelings/urges/sensations are EGO DYSTONIC, meaning "thoughts, impulses, and behaviors that are felt to be repugnant, distressing, unacceptable or inconsistent with one's self-concept" that create such strong suffering. 

You shouldn't feel you need to be blamed! Don't let your brain be your bully! Self love is crucial.

Everything you're going through is completely normal, you're not bad, nor should you feel blamed.

[Charlotte]

@Ry4n I am not for one minute considering you're talking out of your butt hole. I'm (and still do) referring to personal experience with regards to the thought process you're referring to. I am simply stating that labeling anything gives the mind a chance to identify which can then lead to all sort of shiz

[Ry4n]

@The Monk I'd HIGHLY recommend checking out this guy Mark Freeman, he is your best bet with this 100%.

I'm deeply passionate about this having experienced it I don't want another person ever going through this, no one deserves this hell. You are loved, don't forget that.

 

[The Monk]

@Ry4n Is it fine if I do online therapy with a licensed psychologist. Because atm, I a college student broke, and I'm super worried that if I do talk to a psychologist in the UK they will get me on drugs, but I just want to do CBT, figure out what I am, and live a good life, that allows me to help others. Also, I'm scared of getting kicked out of University, here in the UK because of I'm scared of what will happen if they have records of this.

@Nahm  I just realized you can't tell if a thought is true, because it's a thought. Thoughts don't exist they're figments of your imagination. 

[Nahm]

@The Monk 

Yep.

How can you tell if a thought about yourself feels good?

[The Monk]

@Ry4n Dude, this person seems to be doing the exact same shit I'm doing, I'm so relieved. But, the only difference is that I had that boner  fuck I hate this. Fuck this uncertainty seriously. 

 

[The Monk]

@Nahm by looking at my body's emotional response to it? 

[Ry4n]

@The Monk I've never heard of counsellors/therapists breaking confidentiality unless they were confident the person was a serious threat to others or themselves, even if it were at a university. A counsellor at your university may be able to point you in the right direction as far as quality therapists for OCD go, online or not. Your mental health is more important than any other thing in your life, so don't be cheap with it. You need to be confident they're worth their salt. A bad therapist can seriously fuck you up. When a therapist is bad, they're BAD. 

But CBT and Acceptance and Commitment therapy can be done by oneself too quite successfully. Majority of the work I did was by myself. Check out some books by Steven C Hayes, he has some great work. 

Like I said the boner included isn't uncommon at all, I experienced the exact same thing with homosexual OCD. The uncertainty is shit I know, but believe it or not you will get to a point where you can embrace the uncertainty.

Allow all of it to arise, all of the uncertainty, this is unfortunately the only way. Don't get attached to the relief either, it is a drug. Chasing certainty is no different than a drug addiction.

[Nahm]

@The Monk

‘My body’s emotional response’ is a thought.

[The Monk]

@Ry4n I'm just so terrified man, so you're saying to ensure that I get a good one, I should go to the psychology department in the uni? Or go online? But how do I know if the online one is good? I really feel like I need to get rid of this uncertainty, then tackle the issue head on. I  feel like can't keep being a whining little bitch about this issue. I want to take action, but I don't want records of me stating that I could be that.

@Nahm so you're saying the thought that I'm having is generating this emotional response?

[Nahm]

@The Monk

Ask the emotional response. 

[The Monk]

@Nahm I'm trying to, but I haven't been getting any response, and I feel like I'm missing something here.

 

@Ry4n Which of his books do you recommend for me,  as I'd actually like to pick some up just to start my healing process. But, do you think that, his books alone are enough to resolve this issue I'm facing? 

[Nahm]

5 minutes ago, The Monk said:

I'm trying to, but I haven't been getting any response, and I feel like I'm missing something here.

‘Trying’ is a thought. You’re already & always getting emotional response. You are not missing anything.