Problems in College

[LearningPodo]

So I just finished my first year of college at a relatively small university. However, I can't help but feel like there's something wrong. Sometimes I feel as though being in such a small campus with only so many students feels like a mental prison, a vacuum, or a bubble to some extent. It's a small school, so most people know each other and I feel like that doesn't really give me freedom to live freely and be my spontaneous self. To be honest I kind of led a few girls on who thought I was cute, when I wasn't even really interested in ever talking to them... I've been traumatized before in high school where there was a misunderstanding and a lot of people hated me and I got depressed. That's what makes me paranoid and always looking over my shoulder in the case that ever happens again. So I guess I'm kind of fear a little and I feel like I shut off a small part of my brain to avoid getting hurt, but living like that for 3 more years seems like a very sad way to live and a waste of the supposedly best years of your life.

I was wondering if switching to a larger school would help where I can start again.

Growing up I've also never felt like I had a strong sense of identity so I think that's also very crucial for me to develop in these years...

[universe]

Maybe a small campus isnt the right thing for you. I was in a fairly large one that I liked. Then moved to a huge one that I didnt like so much. Eh whatever...

You can either change your location or you can change your inside.

The truth is, you dont need people to like you. If you dont realize this, people will make you aware of your illusion everywhere you go. On the other hand, when you realize you dont need validation from them you can be really free. Now you act authentic and relaxed. You say what is on your mind and do whatever you like. Do goofy things, enjoy the moment. Because you know that you are gonna be ok, even if they dont like what you say. Having nothing to fear will make you confident. Ironically this energy attracts people.

To form an identity just find things you really like or love. Find out what you value in life. Really sit down and take some time to ask yourself what these things are. Having a strong identity comes down to telling people what you like and what you dont like. Because everything is communication. The world only knows from you what you communicate today.

So maybe start doing this inner work and you can start to look out for another campus along the way.

[Espaim]

On 22/05/2020 at 1:40 PM, LearningPodo said:

I've been traumatized before in high school where there was a misunderstanding and a lot of people hated me and I got depressed. That's what makes me paranoid and always looking over my shoulder in the case that ever happens again. So I guess I'm kind of fear a little and I feel like I shut off a small part of my brain to avoid getting hurt, but living like that for 3 more years seems like a very sad way to live and a waste of the supposedly best years of your life.

Man, I don't know if you know this but you created your own depression. Other people hating you didn't create it. You created it. Why would you? That's something you'll have to discover by yourself. Or not.

And you know the best part? If you created it, you can un-create it. Awesome. 

I'd recommend you what those videos:

On 22/05/2020 at 1:40 PM, LearningPodo said:

most people know each other and I feel like that doesn't really give me freedom to live freely and be my spontaneous self

Why do you think you don't have the freedom to be yourself? To be authentic? Is this fear of being judged? Are you going to base your capability of express yourself based in fear?

You are also creating your lack of freedom.

You always have the freedom to be yourself. Be yourself now. What do you want to do that this freedom doesn't allow you to do? Do it.

Also, check this thread:

Do the exercise that Nahm recommends.

Or don't. 

 

[Espaim]

On 22/05/2020 at 1:40 PM, LearningPodo said:

Growing up I've also never felt like I had a strong sense of identity so I think that's also very crucial for me to develop in these years...

This is my opinion, but maybe you don't need to create a sense of identity. You just need to drop your current identity. Your authentic self them will finally get the opportunity to shine and show the world how awesome he is.

you need to allow him to get out though

the best part: he is urging to get out all the time. you don't even need to ask.

Edited May 25, 2020 by Espaim

[LearningPodo]

4 hours ago, Espaim said:

This is my opinion, but maybe you don't need to create a sense of identity. You just need to drop your current identity. Your authentic self them will finally get the opportunity to shine and show the world how awesome he is.

 

Yes, that is what I'm really trying to get to. I went to a very small high school where everyone knew each other since elementary school, so I feel like I didn't have that much of a chance to discover my authentic self by dropping my old identity until my senior year.

However, how am I supposed to just "drop my current identity" when I am reminded of how others see me everyday, also since it's been more or less a part of me my whole teenage life? 

When I'm on vacation or something I feel egoless, I lose my sense of self and I'm just pure awareness, free of any limiting beliefs. That is what I really want to achieve in college so I can genuinely grow as a person in every way, not just intellectually. The more I try to drop my current identity at my college, the more I feel forced to prove something to others that I'm more than just the ego voice in my head... so again I'm living in the ego... if that makes sense haha.

It honestly drove me crazy that I really really want to transfer schools now...

Edited May 26, 2020 by LearningPodo

[LearningPodo]

On 5/24/2020 at 9:00 PM, universe said:

The truth is, you dont need people to like you. If you dont realize this, people will make you aware of your illusion everywhere you go. On the other hand, when you realize you dont need validation from them you can be really free. Now you act authentic and relaxed. You say what is on your mind and do whatever you like. Do goofy things, enjoy the moment. Because you know that you are gonna be ok, even if they dont like what you say. Having nothing to fear will make you confident. Ironically this energy attracts people.

 

I feel like it's not even so much about being goofy or authentic or whatever. It's more like mental. Like I want to be able to perceive others as equals, as people who I can be friends with rather than them being a possible threat to my wellbeing for the next few years of my life. I've always grown up with a sort of victim mentality, I've never had much confidence growing up and didn't have that many friends. People were very nice to me though in my high school because they liked me a lot, but I just didn't see them as people who I can be friends with, but more as people who looked after me LOL.

[universe]

Why cant they be your friends? You will make friends automatically if you dont actively try not to.

I'd advise you to become very confident. Start with becoming confident in your body.

[Cjaryo]

Be honest with yourself, and hold that integrity with others. Changes in the ambient environment exhibit changes in the state of one's psyche, and switching campus can thus help, but do not do it simply to run away from your problems. I also see what you mean with a college feeling like a prison; I personally go to a college in a quite secluded and cold area, but I see that as an opportunity to focus on my studies and other passions, because we are paying for this education and we ought to make it worth it and then some. In terms of social relationships, they are a good way of showing how you have acted, and I find it is good to operate thinking that others really can tell you where your faults are. Thus, I hear those complaints and respond with word and action, for some may be meritless, but at the same time do not expect an immediate change in results.

[Espaim]

On 25/05/2020 at 10:22 PM, LearningPodo said:

However, how am I supposed to just "drop my current identity" when I am reminded of how others see me everyday, also since it's been more or less a part of me my whole teenage life? 

Many of her videos could be useful to you. Go through some and dont forget: actually do the work!!!

Leo also has several videos on the topic. This is going to be a long journey but I'm sure you can do it.

Good luck!