Ayahuasca trip report

[WaveInTheOcean]

Hi Actualized-forum

Back in 2019 I did 2 Ayahuasca ceremonies over the span of 4 days in a place somewhere on planet Earth. We were 10 participants, and there were 2 facilitators/"shamans" (not really shamans, but one of them had done a lot of training with a real shaman in Peru). There were 5 sober helpers as well. So very safe setting it felt like.
A few days ago I finally managed to do a trip report of my two ceremonies. I shared it on the closed Facebook-group for the Aya-retreat-people. However, I thought why not also share it here. To stay somewhat anonymous I have deleted all names in the report. Warning: long wall of text ahead (3000 words). But it's good and I have read it through several times to fix the worst errors. Happy reading if you go on. TLDR: Ayahuasca changed my life for the better. <3 

I finally wanted to do a “trip report” of my 2 ceremonies on *deleted* back in *deleted* 2019.
The reason I have waited so long is probably due to the fact that the real work really happens after you have been shown all kinds of things by Mother/Spirit-Aya. And I have struggled a bit to integrate all the things into my life, and thus didn’t want to do a trip report until now, as I somehow felt it would be premature.

Introduction

A bit about me and my motivation to do the Aya-retreat: I’ve never done Aya beforehand. I’m 25 years old (24 at the time) and have done some other psychedelics, mainly LSD, which back in 2015 triggered my general “spiritual interest.” In the winter months of 2019, I had a really bad depression, where at one point I was basically at the last step before actually trying to commit suicide. I had it planned out and was about to do it but in the last minute my love my for my family stopped me (I didn’t want to burden them with the pain my death would probably create). Anyway, I got out of it and got to a much better place inside my head during the summer.

I wanted to do Aya mostly out of sheer curiosity and a desire to understand myself and reality better. For spiritual and self-development reasons, I guess you could say. I was feeling fine mentally at the time, although struggling a lot with sleep issues (which also was one of the primary drivers of my depression back in winter). Because I also was so nervous about doing Aya, I slept for 0 hours the night before my first ceremony. Because I knew it probably meant quite a lot to go into the experience with a rested and clear mind, I was close to calling it quits. But my good friend, *deleted* – whom I travelled to *deleted* with – convinced me to get my shit together and get myself out of my door. I’m glad he did, lol.

So yeah, when we finally got there, I was told by *deleted* to come up with an intention/wish for what I wanted to get out of the first ceremony. Because I was so worn out I think I wished for Aya fix my sleep problems (;D). And some other things (spiritual/self-development like I already mentioned).

Luckily for me, my first ceremony was a great experience. I had feared it would be shit due to my lack of sleep. However, I’m sure that my experience would have been much more lucid and clearer if I had slept properly. Cos even though it was a great experience, it was also somewhat chaotic and confusing.

First ceremony

During the come-up I puked a lot. And I could early on feel that I was in a for heavy ride. I think I’m generally pretty sensitive to all kinds of psychedelics (lost my mind very, very hard on my first ever 150ug LSD trip, not in a pleasant way I should say). I just tried to relax, and the pre-meditation *deleted* and co. did with us definitely helped me stay calm.
During the peak of the experience I felt what I can only describe as a “God-realization”. I realized that I was God, and I had a very strong feeling of omnipotence. I had very lucid internal discussions with myself/God/the Aya-spirit/”inner beings of my subconscious mind”. I felt very free as God. And I remember a desire to just stay in this space of God forever, not wanting to return to WaveInTheOcean. Wouldn’t it be easier to let WaveInTheOcean be (i.e. kill him/suicide) and stay as God 24/7?

Soon after, however, the omnipotence was contrasted with my actual life as WaveInTheOcean, i.e. at first hand it didn’t make sense to me why I can’t find out how to sleep if I’m God, hehe. I remember I asked: “Why am I experiencing the life of WaveInTheOcean right now with all its struggles, both good and bad?”. The answer was: “Relax, everything is perfect, exactly as it should be. You/I have chosen to experience WaveInTheOcean because it is a unique, worthwhile experience like all other living beings are in the Universe. Yes, your life may not be all-easy, but a game isn’t fun if you set it on easy-mode. If it’s too easy, I get bored, if it’s too hard, well that of course isn’t that much fun either”.

I was very satisfied with that answer, intellectually and emotionally. I agreed that WaveInTheOcean was a life worth living. It then felt like I consciously chose to continue the life of WaveInTheOcean. (When we get born into life it always feels like we didn’t have anything to do with it. So now, to be able to sort of freely choose to live on as WaveInTheOcean – that felt nice!).

I then remember a strong presence of “two beings” (I couldn’t see them, only talk with them) that were able to do two things:

1. They could show me whatever I wanted to know, as long as I promised to be a loving and honest person.
2. They could reprogram my subconscious mind if necessary.
(3. They had a lot of fun with me and mocked me a bit for my general ignorance of things, however they were benevolent, clearly).

I remember being shown some – perhaps basic, perhaps advanced, what do I know – spiritual insights of love. That the most important thing in reality/the universe is: Love. By extension of this insight I was then shown one of my little brothers in front of me. His face, his personality, I saw it clearly. And right thereafter I was, as ‘Consciousness’, “thrown into him”. I became him. I took on the mask of my brother. For a brief moment I experienced exactly how it is to be my little brother. This showed me that the raw experience of being another person is exactly the same experience as being me, WaveInTheOcean. All that differs is the “dreamlike”-content of the mind/ego/personality-structure.

Even though God-realizations/Oneness-realizations sometimes perhaps can feel very lonely (cos you see that only God exists and that you are God), close to borderline solipsism, this experience was the complete opposite of solipsism. Yes, I and everything may be God, and nothing is not-me/not-God, but that also means that every other person is “me”/God tricked into believing it is not-God, but instead a living human person. Anyway, I may be rambling and struggling to put it into words, but it was beautiful to say the least.

Anyway, these two beings I was in contact with, I then begged them to reprogram my subconscious mind in order to make it easier for be to fall and stay asleep. It seemed like they obeyed and did their work. I don’t know how this works, but after the ceremony I slept like a baby and felt pretty refreshed the next morning.

(Currently in my life I’m sleeping pretty well. There have been setbacks, like, I had a minor depression in winter 2020 as well where I also slept like absolute shit. I have later thought about how this reprogramming may be a work-in-progress, because ultimately speaking, it is *I* who is doing the reprogramming. And I know now that I sleep much better the more relaxed/at peace I am with myself/reality).

Anyway, that was my first ceremony. A very mind-blowing experience, unlike anything I had ever tried before. It really felt like I dug deep into my subconscious/the underlying source code running my mind.
I laughed a good bit under the experience as well, cos it was also fun. During the trip it just felt like everything about reality made absolute sense. Everything was fine. And yet I didn’t really understand it, either. And that was the fun part, I suppose.

Second ceremony – Intro

Well, the second ceremony was a much more intense and deeper psychedelic trip. Before I get into that I would like to mention that I did the kambo-frog-medicine the morning before the second ceremony. That was a very unpleasant experience, lol, but I also remember feeling very grounded and grateful after the intense flu-like feeling had vanished. I puked a lot during the kambo. I didn’t puke at all during the second ceremony. And I had a bigger cup of Aya than during the first ceremony, so naturally I went deeper, and the trip was a few hours longer. I was much calmer and more rested before the second ceremony.

Second ceremony – Hypersexual phase

The first phase I enter after the initial come-up is what I would like to call the hypersexual phase. I had a really, really strong connection with my sexuality and libido, and I remember feeling very horny -- in a spiritual way perhaps, lol, cos it was all in my mind, there wasn’t much blood down there=D.
I remember having strong visualization/closed-eye visuals of me having sex with some persons in my life. It also felt like – in some ways – that I had sex in a spiritual plane with one or two of the women in the hall, haha. I was just lying on my mattress the whole time. This ceremony in general had a very strong feminine vibe over it. I felt a feminine presence around me showing me what good sex could be like, haha. And that sex is very natural and a “good” thing (not that I had any real doubts about that before, intellectually at least).
I felt like Mother Aya mocked me for not having enough sex in my life, since she could clearly see that sex is actually pretty important for me / something I enjoy quite a bit.

Second ceremony – Childlike phase

Anyway, that was interesting enough. I then enter the next phase which I would call the child-phase. I basically became a little child (4-5 years old of age I’d say). My sexuality is thrown out of the window and I have never in my adult life felt so ‘pure’ and ‘innocent’ before. I had no real grasp of what right and wrong is. And EVERYTHING is exciting. I’m touching the walls around me with great joy, moving a lot with my body on the mattress, touching all of my body parts, hitting myself in the head for fun, making all kinds of funny noises with my mouth, laughing a lot, watching my hands make movements in the air. My body and everything just feel immensely fascinating to me. When some of the helpers try to calm me down by touching my feet and saying “shh”, I remember feeling rebellious and just wanting to act out even crazier. However, somewhere deep in the back of mind, a voice tells me “Relax, WaveInTheOcean, you’re high as fuck on Aya”, so I don’t react to all the child-like impulses.  I, however, have massive amounts of energy in my body, and I feel like screaming for fun and even go out and run around the building. I didn’t do that, however, hehe.

During this child-phase, I have been absolutely stripped – as much as possible – of all social conditioning.
I feel like I simultaneously “know everything” and also nothing at all. I haven’t learned how to behave as an adult. But that also made me feel so pure, innocent and free. This experience clearly showed me how much of one’s adult personality is due to social programming from adults and peers in one’s childhood.
Currently, I’m working as a helper in a day care center (I hope to study psychology in *deleted* this summer), and this experience really helped me understand the kids on a new level. I have since this experience felt it’s a lot easier for me to view things from a child’s perspective. This experience also showed me how important it is to listen to the inner child inside us. Of course, it has to be controlled and tamed, but you also have to listen to it and give in sometimes, otherwise your life will get boring and your inner child will become depressed.

Second ceremony – Peak experience

After this child-like phase I enter the peak experience of the ceremony. I experience an overwhelming sensation of pure ecstasy in all of my body. I have never tried anything like it before. My whole body began trembling/vibrating. It was almost too much. Right after this intense energy surge/body-trembling I enter an extremely clear headspace where I get a deep realization of now having woken up to a new reality, where I can see everything in a much clearer light. I remember thinking: “Now you have woken up, WaveInTheOcean. You will not understand this later when you get sober”. I got a deep intuitive insight telling me that everything that have happened in my life up to this point was so that I could experience what I’m experiencing right now. Nothing in life is random. Everything that happens, even though it may seem extremely twisted and at first “not-good” is ultimately happening due to and out of: Love. Life is a love-simulator: How loving can you be, towards yourself and others? And you will get hard-tested in mysterious ways, don’t doubt that.

During this peak-experience I felt relaxed and at peace, like I haver never in my entire life felt before. It was a deep relief. A deep realization that everything that happens is God’s will. Nothing is happening without any deeper love/wisdom laying behind it. Everything is perfect. Everything is exactly as it should be, and whatever happens from now on will also happen exactly as it should happen. Every time I feel sad or depressed about something in my life, I always try to remember this feeling I had back in *deleted*. That everything is going to be okay. I’m so grateful that I have experienced this.

Second ceremony – Return to my sober self (still tripping though)

After this peak experience I slowly began returning to my ego-headspace of WaveInTheOcean. But I could still feel I was very much under the influence of DMT-molecules bouncing around in my nervous system. At one point I got caught up in a very dark headspace. It was like “adult WaveInTheOcean” was returning to my experience, and this was a very sharp contrast to the child- and peace-like feelings I had previously just experienced.
My sexuality has returned, although not in a hypersexual way, just in a very normal way. And I’m now again very conscious of what is right and what is wrong. Social conditioning is back up and running. This scares initially the shit out of me, this returning to my ego. I became very aware of all the other people around me in the room, and the self-critical “WaveInTheOcean” had returned with full force and was wondering if I was “a good enough person” and if it was wrong of me to have just experienced what I had experienced. I sit up on my mattress and look around like a scared child. My eyes meet a helper, xxxxx. She instantly sees that I need a hug and I crawl over to her and hug her. It was amazing to be in your embrace for these few minutes. Thank you, xxxxx <3 You calmed me down a lot.

I then lay down on my mattress and close my eyes again and the trip begins to take on a very practical-oriented focus. How can I integrate into my life what I had just been shown? How will it change me? How should I change? I also start reliving some periods of my life in my head. I soon start crying a lot, even having trouble breathing. I relive my depression last winter and it becomes obvious to me how close I was to killing myself, and how badly I mistreated myself (negative thoughts and so on). I really see how far out I was. It feels very nice crying and just letting it all out. I cry as I beg for forgiveness towards myself and some of my family/friends I have hurt in my life. I say “sorry, sorry, sorry” several times as I cry. Another helper comes to me, yyyyy, and she supports me in letting it all out. She says that “whatever you have done, Mother Earth forgives you. Give it to her”. And I do. Thank you, yyyyy <3

At some point I was done crying and I just feel so much peace inside myself. I’m still tripping a bit, but not a lot. Before I go to sleep, I think more of how I can use this experience to change myself for the better. Among other things, I realize that I have to be more vulnerable, more honest, more loving. I realize that I have to take better care of myself in some ways. That taking properly care of yourself is the best way to living a happy life. I also realize that I have to let go of some of my OCD-tendencies/inner control freak. It’s okay to let go of control some times. Everything is going to be fine, no matter what happens. As a person I often have a hard time getting started with something new in my life, because I want everything to be perfect before I begin. I realize you sometimes just have to let go of that and just fucking do it. Like I did with this trip to *deleted*. Everything is perfectly imperfect!

I also saw how pointless it often is to worry about what other people think of you. As long as you stay true to yourself and your own values. And how important it is, again, to give space to one’s inner child. This inner child contains a lot of energy that you can use if you open up for it. Use it consciously. I also saw that even though all patterns of behavior are “fake/programmed” they still serve a purpose. Namely the purpose of staying civilized while being with other human beings. I see social programming/conditioning as a sort of “technology” (that can be used in both good, conscious ways and bad ways). Just don’t overdo it. Be free as well. Open. Conscious. Loving. It’s a balance.

Final thoughts

Today I’m still really grateful for the two ceremonies and I look forward for a 3rd and 4th ceremony on *deleted* to see what else Aya has to offer. The atmosphere at *deleted* felt so nice – a perfect balance of both a relaxed and a serious ‘vibe’. And *deleted* and *deleted* and all the helpers and the music really helped me to feel safe all the time.

Today I have never been happier in my life. I know what I want, I take care of myself, I have more confidence and I feel more at peace with myself than ever before. And I have now done a lot of the things I told myself I’d do at the end of the second ceremony. I’d say that today I’m more vulnerable, more loving, more open, while at the same time feeling very grounded in myself. I finally -- after many years of hesitation and pressure from friends -- created a Tinder profiler 1 month ago, and on my first date I met a girl, who I already feel like is a potential soulmate (there are many weird coincidences here, but then again not so weird anymore, hehe). But it’s not that my happiness is dependent on whether or not this blooming relationship actually becomes something serious or not. Either way I’m happy just to have met such a girl.

I have also recently contacted an old friend, finally. And yeah, I just appreciate life so much these days. I have to lastly include that during the corona-lockdown I did a few 2CB-trips (2CB is LSD’s little brother I’d say). They were all very healing, especially 2 of them had strong “Aya-vibes” in them, and they really deepened the insights I got under the two ceremonies on *deleted*. So that helps:D

Thank you *deleted* <3 Especially thanks to *deleted*, *deleted*, *deleted* and all the helpers and participants who helped making my first *deleted*-trip unique and special. And thanks for reading if you made it this far. <3