Do I have a problem with self-love?

[Hansu]

I have a problem with grudges within myself. Often I think about an action I took that was incredibly stupid and the feeling of shame and regret overwhelms me.

These memories span all the way to my early childhood. Basically these memories never get old. For example, about 8 years ago I hit my friend for no reason. I have NEVER hit my friends before that and I will NEVER hit them again. But this memory comes back to me time and time and I just feel so ashamed and regret my actions from 8 years ago.

Recently I came up with a decision, that I wanted to say sorry to my friend I hit, but I think he wouldn't really care about that apology. I think he would just brush it off as "Lol ok, I didnt even remember that". Still I wanted to do the apology, and today I realized something:

Im not making an apology to him, Im making an apology to myself! And weirdly by wanting to love him, I would be giving love to myself. Then I realized, that my problem could be in lack of self-love? Am I demonizing the results of my actions in such a scale that I hate myself for doing things that dont really even matter or are long forgotten, and as a result Im creating pain and suffering for things that warrant no pain nor suffering?

Is self-love something I should focus on next, or does my problem stem from somewhere else?

Edited May 21, 2020 by Hansu

[ivory]

The more you realize how little control you have over your journey the more you realize your innocence. Allow yourself to be imperfect and be patient with progress. Change happens very, very slowly. Learn to accept yourself by realizing that you can be no different. When self-judgement arises just note those thoughts, don't give them any power. Over time they cease to bother you. Going forward there is something you can do, take care of yourself and act with authenticity.

[egoeimai]

@Hansu Yes of course, it's self love. You're describing your inability to let go and forgive yourself and accept. 

[hyruga]

Yes you need to self love. You have entered the state of realization. Awesome!

[Lyubov]

Always be focusing on building self love. Allow for each emotion to be heard. Hold space for the part that is angry, the part that is embarrassed, the part that is ashamed, etc. Let them all feel welcome at home within.

[Leo Gura]

@Hansu Let's put it like this: let's say you murdered your best friend 8 years ago.

Now you feel bad about it, feel guilty about it, want to apologize, etc.

Your problem is lack of self-love.

The issue here is not one of creating pain or suffering. The issue is simply that you are not accepting reality (yourself) as it is.

See, if you were fully conscious of what reality is, you would fully accept it and love it as yourself -- because reality cannot be other than whatever it is. The more conscious you become, the more you accept reality exactly as it is -- because you're too conscious to buy into delusions that reality could be anything else.

Less than TOTAL Self-Love is the only problem that anyone could ever have. It's a game-changer to realize that this is true. The game of life is simply you realizing more and more and more that anything less than TOTAL Self-Love is idiocy.

[Hansu]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

@ivory@egoeimai @Leo Gura

So, I should start learning and realizing self-love and understanding reality?

It sounds like consciousness of what reality is and self-love are interlinked

Edited May 21, 2020 by Hansu

[Leo Gura]

@Hansu Do whatever you want.

[egoeimai]

@Hansu think good thoughts about you. And others (super difficult) 

[ivory]

11 hours ago, Hansu said:

So, I should start learning and realizing self-love and understanding reality?

I think that everyone's path is going to be different.  I really struggled with self-esteem so I went into therapy. I do not think I would have been able to pull it off without it. The thing to remember is that it takes a lot of time to know yourself. When you really, really know yourself self-acceptance comes as a byproduct. I was lucky because my therapist really hammered the concept of self-acceptance into me. No matter what I did or said he'd have some way of showing me that there was nothing wrong. But, to answer your question, I don't know what you should do. The fact that you are asking says that you don't either. If you don't know what to do then how do you know it's going to work. Anytime I meet someone that asks for help I suggest they get professional help. It is fucking worth it.

[JessiChell]

I think we all have self-love issues of varying different degrees. So we must always be working towards this. In fact, right now, I believe self-actualization almost directly translates into self-love. (But that's just a thought.)

I have no idea where this guilt for your actions is coming from. What are you afraid of being? Why do you hate yourself for these actions? 

 I think Leo would say you are not living consciously. You're living in the past by even thinking these thoughts. 

But I saw a video Leo posted about letting go. Maybe this would be helpful? 
 

 

[JessiChell]

@Hansu Oh I just saw Leo commented. Disregard my comment lol. 

[Hansu]

@JessiChell

Dont worry about it, all views and suggestions are welcome

I believe that at least some of the hatred of myself come from my high school years. I didnt care about other people's opinions to the point that it made me socially dysfunctional in many ways, but when I realized this I did 180, going to the other extreme thinking all the time about what other people thought of me up until just a few years ago. So childhood vows are going to be my first place to look for the reason why I might unconsciously hate myself.

@ivory

After some contemplation, Im 100% certain that my problems are with self-love. Luckily Leo has a LOT of videos that relate directly or indirectly to love and self-love, so I have a good base material to star working with already. I feel uncomfortable reading this thread, and I take that as the only sign needed to know that this is what I need to work with now. Writing this message and admitting it aloud gives me feeling of relief, which I take as the second sign that this is definitely what I need.

Thank you all for your responses!

Edited May 22, 2020 by Hansu

[Nahm]

@Hansu

Guilt & shame don’t exist. Humbly notice who you really are is not joining ‘you’ in those thoughts, and pick better feeling thoughts. The more you do, the better you feel, the more obvious & effortless this becomes. 

Love yourself, of course, but don’t make it the ‘new cover up’, the new project, the new reason you can’t be happy right now. That’ll perpetuate the cover up of the believing of the thoughts which don’t feel good. Humbly notice you don’t know if anyone else is thinking to begin with. All that judgment is yours. Let it go anytime you want. 

[IAmTheHolySpirit]

You don't have a problem with self love, your problems stem from the fact that you see yourself as an individual person. You are not aware that you are consciousness. Your biggest problem is identifying as thoughts, emotions and sensations appearing within the vast consciousness that you are. You believe the mind (thoughts, emotions and sensations) to be yourself. That is absolutely false. Aslong as you continue believing the false, nothing in life will appear to be true.

[Hansu]

Long post, sorry about that. TL;DR in the end.

 

So, I watched the "Letting go of the past" video. It really reminded me of The Power of Now, and how important it is to stay focused in the present moment and know that the only thing happening right now is the present moment. Its so simple but so powerful.

The second video I watched is the "Power of self-acceptance" and it was a wild ride of emotions. The guided visualization of giving love to the different parts of my emotions and equally loving the things that embarrass, make me feel superior, inferior, sad, shamed etc... made me tear up in joy. With all of the suggested emotions I could conjure a situation from my past that I hate and dwell on, only to give it my unconditional love. It felt like I was reliving those moments, but instead of things going like they went, there was this being with me that understood me perfectly and gave me love when I really needed it.

My plan is to get back on track with practicing presence and doing the self-acceptance practice daily. Im going to re-read The Power of Now and integrate the practices back to my daily life. I will also bring back meditation to my daily morning habit, and start to figure out what love is, how it works and building general understanding of love. Like what is self-love exactly, and how can I integrate it into my every action and daily life.

@Nahm

These are very good points to stay aware of. I dont have a good grasp on what comes from the authentic me, and what is my egos doing, so this is a golden opportunity to start figuring that out just through awareness and direct experience. I dont really want to just "wishy washy" my bad feelings away, but to learn what they are in personal experience and integrate that understanding to my awareness.

@IAmTheHolySpirit

I  think this is true when we go to the absolute root of my problem, but I lack the spiritual maturity to fully understand and integrate this to my life yet. But its a good point on why I need to learn to distinguish ego from the authentic self

 

This thread has been great to me. For too long time I had resistance and made excuses as to why I dont need spiritual work anymore. I even thought "I mastered my mind, now its time to master my body". Ridiculous, I know

But now I know exactly what I need to do and why, and it feels amazing!

 

TL;DR: Did a little bit of inner work, cried in joy, found back the reasons and the goals for doing spiritual work, first plans have been made and Im ready to start working my inner self harder than ever

Edited May 23, 2020 by Hansu

[Nahm]

Bad feelings is a thought. 

[Hansu]

So, I figured I should write an update on my progress.

On 23.5.2020 at 2:21 PM, Hansu said:

The guided visualization of giving love to the different parts of my emotions and equally loving the things that embarrass, make me feel superior, inferior, sad, shamed etc... made me tear up in joy. With all of the suggested emotions I could conjure a situation from my past that I hate and dwell on, only to give it my unconditional love. It felt like I was reliving those moments, but instead of things going like they went, there was this being with me that understood me perfectly and gave me love when I really needed it.

I now do this every day. The second I feel a "negative" emotion, I go through the visualization, and all the negativity just melts away. When that negativity comes back, its much less powerful. On strong, overwhelming emotions it usually takes me 2-3 days to fully dissolve the emotion, and to return to a peaceful mind. Its incredible.

It helps me so much when I can just move the emotions away and think through my thoughts without judgement or shame or anything. Sometimes all I need is to just realize that the thing aggrevating me is a part of me, and immediately I return to a peaceful mind. Im living less and less in the past, and Im much more focused on the present as my thoughts cant jail me anymore.

If you are also a highly sensitive person, you should definitely try this out! It will help you to not get stuck in others negativity if they manage to suck you in. Its incredible!

[Mu_]

@Hansu Ya sounds like a lack of self love.  Learn to drop shaming and regretting yourself.  Its less obvious that your doing then say, self hating and blaming but saying stuff like, man I'm stupid for doing this, or I can't believe I did this, or Im ashamed for doing this and feeling sorry for yourself after, is something you can drop when you catch yourself doing it.

This is the equivalent to dropping the stick in which you beat yourself with and is a form of self love.

[Hansu]

29 minutes ago, Mu_ said:

Learn to drop shaming and regretting yourself.  Its less obvious that your doing then say, self hating and blaming but saying stuff like, man I'm stupid for doing this, or I can't believe I did this, or Im ashamed for doing this and feeling sorry for yourself after, is something you can drop when you catch yourself doing it.

 

Yes, I learned this through the video "Power of self-acceptance". Now whenever if I guilt myself, I do the visualization of attaching the thing that guilts me into myself and then giving myself love from an incredebly powerful source I found. This doesnt only help me with self-acceptance, but with every overwhelming emotion I have.

It can even dissolve physical pain momentarily (couple seconds). I've thought about turning it into some sort of physical pain acceptance meditation