My self exploration journey

[Preety_India]

 

Today is July 30. THURSDAY 

 

I'm still going to use this journal but I will use it whenever I'm upset and having a bad day or a down time. 

So I don't have to go over or come across my own depressive thoughts in my other Self Exploration 2 journal. 

This journal was started with the same objective in mind but I quickly realized that I needed to separate my entries when I'm happy or normal and when I'm upset or down. 

So this journal will be used to record my sad or down time. 

 

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Edited July 30, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm also going to record all of my negative or sad thoughts as well bad experiences and the bad dreams or nightmares that I get.. This will be a good place for all of the dark content in my life. 

The good news is that my nightmares are significantly less 

 

[Preety_India]

So last night this was my dream 

It wasn't a pleasant one. 

I was looking at lots of people. Most of them were living in really poor conditions. There were narrow lanes and cramped houses and the people were very destructive. There was little hope. A lot of addicts. And something that they were doing illegally. 

It was a terrible sight. 

But other things. Hmm.. I completely forgot portions of the dream when I woke up. 

Next time I will make it an effort to recollect better when I wake up. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Nature favors  skill and charm and character. 

 

[Preety_India]

I still struggle trying to understand how charm skill and character can come together 

And why character is the most important. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I try to focus on the word charm and what I found through my study is that Beauty and Pretty are two different things. 

Something can look beautiful but not really be pretty 

 

Something can look pretty but not necessarily be beautiful.. 

 

Something can be both pretty and beautiful at the same time and not functional. 

 

[Preety_India]

How cultures evolve. 

Post in progress. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is not only pretty but also functional. 

 

 

Edited August 2, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

How cultures evolve. 

Post in progress. 

For example. This mug is ornately designed. 

 

I can call this mug a pretty one. 

 

This is another example. This purse or handbag looks very beautiful. But it may not be able to hold a lot of stuff in it. 

 

I can call this handbag pretty but not exactly beautiful. It is also somewhat useful given that it has front pockets to keep small things.. 

 

Similarly this handbag looks really beautiful, but maybe uncomfortable to hold because of the pearl detailing. It doesn't serve a good purpose other than just the looks. 

 

I'd call this handbag pretty because it's not extremely beautiful but it is not bad either. Just okay to look at, good to look at as well as useful. And comfortable. 

 

 

 

Whereas this handbag, although not very beautiful to look at, might be useful to carry a lot of stuff and it's soft texture means it's also lighter and easier to carry around without having to pay much attention to how you use it. 

 

This is not only pretty but also functional. 

 

 

 

What does this mean

Not everything has to be beautiful. Also that many times charm and beauty are a facade. You can have beauty without substance. It's hollow. It's fakery. 

We see movies with special effects bombarded into every frame but no plot. This is what I mean by beauty without substance. It's hollow.. 

But pretty is something else. Pretty means it has an elegance and sophistication to it. It's not just for show. Of course it has a slight touch of beauty and aesthetic appeal but it also has a certain grace, not showiness but just a slight touch of warmth combined with its functionality and usefulness, it comes with substance. This makes it more real and appealing, it may not be great to look at, but it has a sentimental value attached to it. Which makes it worthy of value and consideration and preservation. 

Maybe this handbag represents that. It's pretty. It seems like it has a sentimental value to it by the way its kept, it looks useful, may not be the most beautiful but it has its own space, it's own place. By its presence itself it has established its own unique value, not by comparing to other handbags. 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

This journal will be used for venting for most of the time. 

 

[Preety_India]

People play silly games. So fed up. 

This world is bullshit. Yuck. 

 

[Preety_India]

This is not a good state of things. 

 

I don't like it. 

 

I have to move away. From all this that surrounds me. 

I need to be free. 

 

[Preety_India]

September 5 2020. 

Lately I have been feeling suicidal again. 

Some days I'm normal and some days these ominous feelings come back. 

There has been an uptick in my depressive feelings. 

I'm so done. I don't want peace anymore. 

Let the tears flow. 

 

Let the heart say what it always wanted to say. 

 

[Preety_India]

Keep convincing yourself of all the good things in life. 

Everything is a mirage. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I should be in some deep dark hole of the world just bleeding to death and dying. Because the world never loved me and never accepted me. I was treated like a piece of shit since the day I was born. I'm just a workhorse for my mom. She doesn't give a fuck if I was tired or sick or crying or dead. Nobody gives one fuck about me. Everybody wants what they want. There is no hope for me. I pray to God that he take me away. I saw too much pain in my little life
 Maybe God should unite me with my dad who was the only who actually cared about me but is dead

 

[Preety_India]

I have a bipolar mother and my ex was a bipolar. 

Certain characteristics that I noticed about them. 

Certain observations. 

They easily flip 

 

Their mood swings are not like common people 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Part 1