My self exploration journey

[Preety_India]

 

This is the part 2 of my self exploration journal. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

Writing and painting have always been my key favorite interests throughout my life. 

I can't get enough of either. 

But spirituality also has a due place in my life. I like starting my day with spirituality. That's why the early morning meditation. 

For me nearly and almost everything has to be spiritual. I don't know why but my heart is deeply in love with spirituality since childhood. I used to collect books on spiritual stuff, I used to love reading books on Reincarnation, mysticism, paranormal phenomena, these things have shaped my personality over the years. 

I have admired Ian Stevenson (if I remember his name correctly) greatly, he was in some ways a pioneer in this research. 

Over the last few years, I've spent time watching numerous documentaries on spirituality and mysticism. 

I have studied ancient cultures. 

My appetite for such inquisitiveness is voracious as is reflected in many of my journals.

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

                 So who is Preety? 

 

I'm a complex person. A product of my circumstances but also a product of my own intuition and feelings. One thing if you need to know about my personality is that I am Fierce and Deep. 

I am a very serious and deep person. All the light heartedness, the emojis, all the laugh or funny stuff you see is only a way to not come across as too deep or intense. I can go from one minute of feeling very petty and laughing to another where my crying or sadness can be so strong that you would not want to be around me.. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. That means I wear my emotions on my sleeve. My writing can sometimes come across as very emotional since I'm an emotional person. 

I hate being cold. I hate anything cold. If I ever appear cold that's my introversion showing. That's me being guarded and reserved. 

I was always shy and reserved at school. 

This version of me that you see is the one that has arrived at after many metamorphoses and incarnations. I grew a bit out of that shy nature. 

But not much. I still carry that childhood shyness and reserved nature. 

I am very serious. A lot of people misunderstand me. I like to be courteous and polite. So it's my need for courtesy that makes me look friendly. But in reality I'm not as friendly as I may appear. The outward friendliness is only a mask I need to wear to keep my inner self away from people. 

You have to understand introverts. Introverts don't like to show people their inner struggles or problems or their thoughts. Yes I do wear my emotions on my sleeve but I'm also good at masking them. I don't feel the need to show it to people. This is the reason why introverts hardly open up or are hard to be made to open up 

I simply shut myself when personal questions are asked. Notice that my communication is always about something, but I hardly talk about my inner self. That's an introvert. Any conversation that needs me to open up, I immediately recoil. Introverts are never comfortable in engaging their selves with the world. They have a certain fear, a certain guardedness, a certain need to be left alone. 

I have enjoyed solitude in the past. I enjoy it even now. Some people in my family have always asked me how I could be so happy just being alone. 

Like my extrovert counterparts, I don't need to have someone to feel happy. I can be happy by myself. I always find something to be happy about. I am not a chatterbug, so I become your friend I will hardly ever talk. This behavior is in complete contrast with my outer personality. Because most people at first glance find me very sweet sweet and polite, social and gentle. They get attracted to me and want to be friends. But when I don't become friends with them, they feel very strange. 

My inner self is different than the outer self. If I showed my inner self all the time, my conversations with people might get boring and I will always carry a sense of embarrassment all the time, to avoid the iciness, I try being funny and social. But I maintain the distance. So people only get a glimpse of me. 

They think what they see is me. No that's just an outer "hi hello, how are you, you're welcome" outer self of me being courteous for the sake of courtesy. 

A lot of people try to get intimate with me just thinking that I'm must be very loving if I'm so polite. 

They later get confused when I don't respond the same way I did the first time. 

When they don't get to be intimate with me, that's where they see my true self. 

I'm a very raw introvert. So keeping to myself is my fundamental nature. 

 I enjoy being this quite shy silent person. Because the inner me is deep and serious. 

In always thinking about deeper things in life. 

 

Often times I don't come across as loving. 

Like once my boyfriend was offended that I wasn't being warm enough, because I wasn't saying anything when he was having a bad day. I was just quiet. He is a bit of an extrovert. So he found it cold and strange. 

Actually it's not that. I am deep, sensitive but I don't always show in an intimate setting. I'm extremely loving and caring and deeply caring inside. It's just that I don't like to show it often. The feelings are not very open but they are deep.. I probably don't know the best way to show that I'm loving and caring but inside me I'm always loving that person on a much deeper level, more than that person would ever know.. 

 

One of the reasons why I am such a complex person is because I'm a combination personality. It's some traits mixed with others. This makes me dynamic. And also difficult for people to assess who I really am

What does a combination personality mean? Now this is what it means. I am an introvert. But I also have moments where I wear my emotions on my sleeve. This gives a false appearance that I am this hot headed girl ready to bark at anyone and gets angry and messy. Actually those are just fleeting moments. Moments that are expressed due to a trigger. I'm not this hot tempered girl walking around just ready to snap at someone. I'm very cool and peaceful. I like this  shy peaceful nature.. 

That hot headedness is just those emotions getting the better of me. They sometimes win their day by robbing my peace. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

It's both difficult, complicated and comfortable being an introvert. 

 

Introverts have a huge chemical buildup in their brains. Their brains are different chemically from extroverts. Introverts constantly produce chemicals that stimulate their senses and brains. That's why a lot of introverts are highly intelligent people. But the buildup of these chemicals also makes introverts nervous, anxious, frustrated, agitated and often over stimulated. The last thing they want is another stimulation. They are easily able to entertain themselves because of their overly sensitive brains. 

Extroverts on the other hand have average or less buildup of chemicals and are therefore not that sensitive to outside stimulation. They need more to feel stimulated. So even if they are In a huge crowd with lots of sensory overdose extroverts are comfortable with sensory load. 

 

Other thing that introverts suffer from is a certain kind of Neurotic tension because of overly sensitive nervous system. So they immediately get impacted by even a minor change in the expression of the listener's face. Introverts are thinking all sorts of things in their minds. This neurosis causes them to feel extra sensitive to any form of judgement or hate. They get very anxious even by the mere thought that someone will judge their behavior. In order to escape this tension, they develop defensive behavior in early childhood. They learn how to put on a mask to impress people but keep their inner feelings hidden. The reason is with the mask they feel more protected. They feel safe because with the mask nobody will judge them. But if they tell their true feelings, their greatest fear can come true. 

As they grow, they become an expert at hiding, masking and not opening up. Their feelings always remain hidden and this can sometimes become dangerous for them because it leads to emotional stress and inability to cope with inner pain which is hidden. 

They feel the need to open up but the fear puts a lid on it. Every time they feel to open up, the fear of judgement comes up and they go back and decide not to open up. They start to feel better not opening up because they don't have to deal with the fear anymore. This creates a temporary comfort zone that can last for many years. Once the comfort zone is created in their minds they will less likey want to break it. At the same time when they want to open up, they are looking for trust. They want to feel safe if they really feel like opening up. But they can't trust a lot of people because experience with most people has taught them that people will break their trust. Once an incident happens where trust is broken, they become further confirmed in their decision to not open up. However if they find a trustworthy person who has gained their trust with constant love and support over a considerable period of time, they begin to trust this person and open up to this person. 

They live their lives without trusting people and avoid people most of the time because of the lack of trust and only keep a very small number of friends who have successfully gained their trust and confidence. 

Introverts will never trust a stranger and will display weird behavior with them out of fear and suspicion. The stranger in turn will find such behavior very weird, even rude, and stop talking to the introvert. This is not the introvert's fault. They are only operating from fear and stress. However the stranger will misunderstand them and so will many people. 

The introvert might suddenly block the stranger from communication or leave a rude reply or not reply at all, thinking that this behavior will throw the stranger away, this way the introvert will feel safe. 

The process of gaining the trust of an introvert is very complicated. It very much depends on the point of contact. If the stranger or new person's first behavior is a critical remark or negative comment, this will be like a sword poking into the introvert and the introvert will immediately block the stranger in his mind. The introvert has already decided not to trust this person. Therefore the first few impressions are important to gain the trust of the introvert. Sometimes even this can fail if the introvert is not mentally ready to trust anyone.. 

If the introvert has suffered any form of abuse, or negativity, criticism, hate in their childhood or bullying in school, then their introversion will become extreme in adulthood and they will act very defensive and extra sensitive around people. Because past memory has taught them that people are not to be trusted and avoided. They will go to great lengths to avoid people. Such attempts will look bizzare and abnormal to extroverts but for introverts it's a defense and coping mechanism against further negativity. 

Because of all these confusing defensive behaviors, introverts mostly get misunderstood a lot. 

So it's difficult being an introvert. 

Also being an introvert becomes a failed mission. Most introverts are trying to hide and block people and avoid attention but this very strange behavior becomes counter productive and people actually start giving them more attention because of their strange behavior. This causes tremendous frustration in the introvert as they don't want that attention but they also can't control their behavior of avoiding people. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I didn't say it as a rule. Of course there will be variations in behavior. I can only speak from my own experience and of those that I have come across.. 

Extroverts say everything loudly because they are not afraid of saying anything whereas introverts are. Some introverts might think it is not wise to express something. But I have interacted with a lot of introverts and the reason is usually fear of judgement or lack of acceptance.. Introverts are generally looking for acceptance. They don't like negativity. 

Maybe there are different categories of introverts based on the reason why they hide their feelings. Some hide because of trauma, some hide because of fear and maybe some hide because they express it differently.. 

I don't mean to say that all introverts are based in fear. But at the end of the day all are introverts because they end up hiding their feelings and keep to themselves. Reasons can differ. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

Taking this quote from DrewNows journal. 

He is so right on this one. 

 

Taking my own needs (first) into consideration, is not rude, selfish or narcissistic. Allow it to be self empowering, not sacrifice. 

I have been hounded by people who have demonized me for just expressing my thoughts and feelings. As though I'm doing some crime 

Taking care of yourself and exploring yourself is never selfish or narcissistic. 

People often observe others a bit too much rather than observing themselves. 

 

Narcissists are egotistical shallow people looking for a real validation. For them  everything is about the ego. 

I'm just an overly excited inquisitive excessively  self expressing creative person. I don't need no fucking validation. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I  had a serious talk with my family today regarding the situation of abuse. And it seems they are ready to look into it and do something about it. 

It seems they are ready to cooperate me on this. 

They have said this many times before and actually never helped me out with my responsibilities with my mom.. 

 

Last time my mom hit me really hard on my shoulder that lead to a bruise. 

So I had a talk with my family members today  regarding her behavior which they dismissed many times. 

Today the person agrees that she is mentally ill. 

Let's see 

 

I had a conversation with my boyfriend today regarding this. And he was understanding and sympathetic. 

My boyfriend gave me some tips today on dealing with the situation. 

His tips were really helpful. 

 

 

2 years ago my family wasn't serious about getting help for my mother because of strong social stigma associated with mental illness in my community here. So it was an extremely difficult situation.. 

However this year seems a good year for me. If they finally agree that she is mentally ill and decide that she needs help then things can work out. 

By now, 3 doctors have diagnosed her as a severe bipolar and prescribed medication which she took for 5 days and then stopped.. 

The doctors suggested that she will need a psych ward if she shows extreme resistance and zero improvement in symptoms.. 

This time however my family is ready for some professional help to be given to me in dealing with the situation. 

Currently  I'm the only one funding her treatment which is getting difficult for me to continue because it's very expensive for me. 

If they all agree on this, we can come up with enough funding to deal with her mental illness and probably afford her better treatment. 

We can also be able to keep her in rehab for some time or some kind of mental illness treatment program which are quite expensive here.. 

 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

When someone blocks your creative energy, it's a mark of the beast. 

 

These are nothing but energy vampires 

They suck you  into their endless games, so you never have the chance to grow yourself. 

Beware of energy vampires. 

To get your learning lessons and knowledge as your only arsenal , to keep energy vampires away and build your own fortress. 

The greatest trick that the devil played was to make you feel like he didn't exist. 

And your naive soul never realized how the course of your own life was robbed from you, your life was robbed from you and how all the drama and distractions were a way to actually steer you away from self growth. 

Your trust and vulnerability and naivety was taken advantage of and character assassination and Slander was used to control and own you and enslave you. 

Someone who truly loves you will never put you in a cage but they will rather open the cage and set you free. They will do what your heart wants and respect your heart 

Someone who is truly without the beast in them will come to you with genuine intent and not with an agenda 

You by your intuitive vision will see right through their agenda and gimmicks. 

But when you encounter a true honest person with genuine intent, you will see nothing, you will hear nothing and you will get a pleasant smell of sweet daffodils. 

Learn to smell. 

See who is trying to pulverize things. 

 

Good people are born for persecution and trial. But good people also carry the strongest energies. These energies can change the course of the universe. One good person can defeat 100 bad people. In Hinduism such a person is called devdoot. He will come like Christ to awaken the world from slumber and give justice to those who suffer and liberate them from the shackles of evil and restore peace and freedom to a beleaguered world. 

The creative energy of a woman is like a Phoenix rising from the ashes and fighting the embers of captivity and reducing the pillars of emancipation to cinders. 

Once you are able to see all the tricks being played in your life, you have your A game. And nobody can steal anything from you because you clearly see the grifter moving through people. You see the grifter coming to you as a wolf in sheep's clothing 

This is how it was in the Bible. 

Slander was a potent weapon slowly leading to the crucifixion and gullible people missed the mark of the beast. 

There's always a Juda and a Peter in everyone's life. 

One way to easily see the mark is to see drama. Drama is the key word. The devil loves drama as much as it loves Prada. So when you know there's a lot of drama obfuscating your true nature, your true desires and your true path, you know that the grifter has arrived. 

Look away from the drama. What do you see? 

You see Purity, as pure as snow. 

You see angels in pure light circling around in a merry-go-round and laughing. You see the light of pure delight 

This is wisdom. To access this wisdom, look away from drama and towards Purity. 

Purity is without agenda and without drama. It's like water, gentle and calm, nourishing and uplifting. 

It's like sunshine bathing you in warmth and raw energy to help you grow. 

Be a sunflower. Don't look at the world and it's drama.. Look  away from the world towards sunshine. 

 

I believe in witchcraft so obviously for me, good and evil are a part of the rigmarole of life. 

 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

I've come across a lot of people in my life in different ways despite my anxiety around people. 

People who are confused about me, people who warn me, people who judge me, people who understand me (I hear the coucal again!), people who mistreat me, people who respect me, people who disrespect me, people who flirt with me, people who desire me, people who gossip about me, and over time I have learned to somewhat categorize people on the basis of their interactions with me. 

Friends. True. Loyal

Frenemies.. Who act like friends but you eventually figure out that they don't mean the best for you. 

Haters 

Neutrals. 

Judgemental types 

Mean spirited 

Flirtatious, friendly and open (these people are the best for me because they don't pressure me into being their friends and allow me my freedom and they come without baggage) 

Shit talkers. 

Smart and intelligent

Friendly and funny. 

Hostile. Strongly hostile or superficially hostile like subtle hostile 

Slanderers 

Gossip mongers. These are a waste of my time. They are a distraction. 

Drama creators. 

Bullies 

Disrespectful 

Polite but formal 

Matured and understanding 

Obsessed.. I've had 3 stalkers till now in my life. 

Backstabbers. 

Betrayers... People who I helped and who turned their back against me or turned on me when I needed their cooperation or defense. 

People with an agenda 

People who want to mock or make a spectacle out of me 

People who knowingly show me like they are ignoring me 

Narcissists 

People who indirectly try to suggest like there's a problem with me. Almost like projecting on me. 

Neutral observers 

Prejudiced. Biased for no reason.

All these experiences have made me a rich person. 

They have made me realize that people are people. And the best thing to do is to focus on the self and let people do the talking. And carry with myself the best bunch from the crowd because the rest is distraction and as harmful as TV or video games. 

Over time I have become sensitized to people. I have grown relatively tired and intolerant of certain types of people to the extent that I tend to block them from my life and shut the door on them permanently when I see that their personality is negative to my energy. 

This in some ways might make me look biased. But for me it's a defense mechanism. It's the only way I can heal from previous bad experiences with people. 

This helps me with separating the wheat from the chaff. I surround myself with people who are non judgemental and who are uplifting. This is vital for my growth. Of course I take criticism also, but generally from people I trust since I'm an introvert, this will always be a part of how I behave around people. For me to open up and be free around people and be in my element, I really prefer to be around non judgemental people. The ones who bring negativity to me do not serve my purpose at all. I can easily separate these kind of people from the genuine ones. Now once I know that someone is not friendly to me but has something useful to say in the way of criticism or a feedback, I myself reach out to such people with an olive branch. So I'm not that difficult to get friendly with.. 

 

I have realized that if I truly want growth in my life in a free environment, I have to eventually be around only positive people because they are the most helpful to me in my life.. It's best to leave the rest and not scrape the bottom of the barrel. I'm expected to be skeptical around people.genuine growth only happens in solitude and people are like white noise that needs to be cleared if you want to hear the transmission. 

They resonate with my energy. 

Generally at first sight, I'm very friendly, polite and gentle and courteous in my approach. 

Once someone rubs me the wrong way (I'm pretty good at sensing so it's not like I'm deliberately misinterpreting them or pushing them away), once someone approaches me and their very first impressions are of hostility, even the slightest or the most subtle, I take it as a signal that I would be better off if I close the door on them. 

This is just how my mind has been shaped by my previous experiences. My neural wiring has fired in the directions in which they had to go whilst going through those experiences. This is uncontrolled but not unfortunate. 

 

I think this behavior is pretty common for a lot of people who get pissed off by generally the negative kind of people. So I'm not alone. It's human nature 

 

In the 21st century where connections with people are becoming more and more sparse and cumbersome, where technology has made things easier and at the same time stressful and overwhelming, if people really want to connect to each other and grow in fondness then they will need to learn some tact in dealing with others. You can't expect to be a dick around people, hurting their emotions, calling them snowflakes, and expecting them to welcome you warmly into their life. Life doesn't work like that.. You get what you put out there.

 

 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

From Serotoninluv 

 I would try to reduce the mind space pre-occupied with him. If a lot comes up, I would let it out by writing. Then re-orient yourself in a new direction. Most importantly, learn how to become friends with yourself. Start a project. Do 30 days of yoga. Start a meditation practice. Cook yourself healthy meals. Get into self massage. . . . Building a social group is good too. Perhaps look into meetup groups or events at the University. I would try to establish healthy friends (primarily female) that have common interests and “have what you want”. Women that have the traits and lifestyle that you would aspire to. . . Yet again, I’ve found becoming friends with myself and self care to be most important. 

 

 

I have lots of female friends which is awesome for me.. 

 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

I've been having some trouble again. I just don't know. I want to escape my reality. I don't feel okay. I haven't been feeling well. Feels like all the positivity I had built up over the last week has drained again. 

It's so tough to deal with this. I just want to get out of this and find peace and quiet.. 

What am I going to do. 

Today is an Important day for me. I need to mark it.. May 22 

I need to get stuff done. 

I need to fulfill my promises. 

 

This is not living, this is not life. Life is not forever problem solving. It is also surviving and thriving. Learn to see the mark of the beast. 

 

I have been struggling too much. I need to get out of this constant pain and struggle.. 

 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

How to beat evil 

• Be as strong and fortified as you can 
• Pre-emptive reasoning 
• Know beforehand how it's going to impact 
• Use Astrology 
• Use prayer beads 
• Exorcise the house 
• Rebuke the dem forces. Tell it that it's not going to win
• Threats 
• The dem is stubborn 
• Allow minimum damage 

There are forms of problems or suffering 

• Physical
• Mental 
• Spiritual or Poltergeistic 

Spiritual crisis is different from spiritual problems or paranormal problems. 

Paranormal problems are of a different nature. 

Examples of these 

• Excessive depression without cause 
• Constant bad luck 
• Feeling of being hounded by negativity 
• Sleep issues 
• Restlessness 
• Mysterious deaths 
• Abusive environment 
• Past history of sexual abuse
• Use of ouija boards
• Contact with mediums 
• Not wanting to be close to any God or religious imagery 
• Not wanting to pray 
• Extreme stubbornness or resistance to solutions. 
• Poltergeistic activities 
• Generational curses 
• Frequent deaths 
• Past karma of bad actions 
• Alien encounters 
• Unexplained events 
• Constant sabotage 
• Constant distraction that doesn't feel natural. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 23, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Low self esteem and high self esteem and fatal self esteem

Low self esteem is shown as low self confidence, easily hurt, too sensitive, defensive, feelings of inadequacy and inherent in deep

[Preety_India]

 

Battle of Egoes versus Battle of Values. 

 

[Preety_India]

I need to focus more on the law of attraction. 

 

[DrewNows]

10 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I need to focus more on the law of attraction. 

 

I think the law of attraction needs to focus a little more on you  

[Preety_India]

@DrewNows ❤️

 

[Preety_India]

 

How to reconcile toxic people. 

Like just don't let it get to you. 

I'm feminine and I cannot stand violence.. 

I cannot imagine how violence is even justified in this world. 

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

To Preety 

You have to understand this beforehand that your psyche is made to develop in a wholesome manner. 

So when you witness something that doesn't look or sound wholesome it's gonna bother you a bit. 

But in the end you need to integrate it somewhere into you. 

You have to understand that these are humans too. Even if they think like that. 

Now how to love them. Now that's another story. 

Try to see the good in them. 

 

[Preety_India]

To Preety, 

Understand that you wanting people to be as you is also a kind of selfishness 

Yes what they do or say is wrong. Yes what opinion they hold is wrong. Yes they are toxic. 

But baby they are here to stay. 

You have to love them in their form. 

You have to love hate. 

This might sound a bit like spiritual bypassing. 

But sometimes it's important to integrate something that you don't own. Something you can't let happen, certain things are difficult to accept and this is one of those things 

 

I see a lot of racism in the world. 

I see it in YouTube videos. I'm appalled to see hate. 

Hate from any race. When I see hate, I don't understand it. 

Because I have been in interracial relationships, so hating a race doesn't make sense to me 

I've had my own experiences with racism, in 2017 with a Croatian guy. 

But the thing is, it's okay, it's okay. 

It hurts in the beginning and you feel why you are being isolated. 

It's only a bias in their mind about you. 

What you need to know that you can rise above them. You can do better. Teach them better 

And if they don't learn, it's their karma. Their problem not yours 

Racism is nothing but selfishness like any other form of shallow greed 

Whats important is the person you meet regardless of their race.. 

I always had an open mind to different races. 

I never looked down on someone or pigeonhole a person. 

I have seen people giving different treatments to different people. It's all self bias. 

When you are free of self bias, you are free of your own demons