Night/Dream Report Journal

[Milos Uzelac]

5/18/2020

Prelude: I've haven't been able to fall asleep during the whole night-time. I couldn't let go of overthinking, analyzing, and overstressing about my personal future. Spent almost all the time lying in bed

Note: (Not important to read this in point, my grim and pessimistic speculations)

• trying to predict how will events unfold and where is the country that I currently live in the heading, given the generalized attitudes and the past behavior patterns of the population and the megalomaniac ambitions of the dictator in chief and his loyal sycophants (I have/had a relatively constant doubtful feeling I am not projecting on to them and that they are awaiting more opportune moments of global instability and crises to shift and slowly solidify and secure for the future eastern geopolitical bloc (i.e. PRC and Russia) way of governance in this country and that their purchasing of weapons from Russia and Belorussia, their ramping up the of the military industry, the edging on from the Orthodox Church regime loyal ecclesiarchy on Serb orthodox believer majority in a neighboring Balkan country to protest and undermine their independent government's policies there (an example of an attempt of Montenegrin government of getting the churches there  that belong as part of the property of the Orthodox Churches of Serbia to pay taxes) etc. That all this combined with this president's ambition and vision to be a Putinesque figure in the Balkans led's me to fear that in the time of general global instability that war may very likely outbreak here in a couple of years or a decade (most likely over the disputed region of Kosovo) when other conflicts sparked by this globally characterized instability with steady and advancing a partition of the globe, between spheres of influence of the emerging and slowly expansionist imperialist force of China and the nuclear arms and surface to air missile producer and stronghold and "atavistic in cultural values" Russia and the U.S. and other Western powers will be more and more untenable, it seems to me like Orwell's vision of three superpowers Oceania (the U.S. with its maritime global patrolling Navy that secures international maritime trade routes), Eurasia and Eastasia (as the continental Heartland powers) spheres of influence (with Serbia becoming a Chinese and Russian military and continental energy supply and trade route asset)  over the world are slowly coming to fruition with each passing year and will eventually lead to an outbreak of conflicts in already frozen conflict and internationally disputed regions such as Kosovo. (Of course, I haven't been up to date with geopolitical analysis and future outcome prediction works, so I can be completely be missing the unfolding reality with the Orwell comparison as a casual and overthinking amateur observer of global events and thinking about their underlying implications for the future.) -Huge distraction and mental masturbatory speculations with no sources backing me up (only the conviction that my overtly pessimistic intuition must be right given other people's callousness in the country about this topic), but couldn't fall asleep and my thought patterns returned again and again to dreading my future living in Serbia for next couple of years and this kept me awake at night.
• Also, I was feeling physically tired so I couldn't force myself to sit down and meditate again at night time and to let go of this repetitive geopolitical speculation thought patterns. I hoped to tire myself with them and to eventually fall asleep.
• I had addictive fantasy thought patterns of what sexual experimentations I might attempt when I settle in Canada and may acquire some power and prestige in my life to fulfill them. Lately, at night time I had repetitive bisexual fantasy scenarios (interracial sex with black men purely for the pleasure or Asian women), I speculate they are orgasm remnants from various overconsumption or gay or bisexual virtual pornography I watched in the near past when I was feeling sexually depraved or wanted to numb myself with fulfilling these urges or impulses that I judged were perverse, just power and dominance via sex over another human being or taboo. This fantasizing occurred when I was particularly hyper stressed and anxious about the next day and near future at night and couldn't fall asleep and then I got the urge from the remembrance of consuming porn and feeling stressed and anxious in bed by overthinking, to dry jerk by rubbing my genitals against the bed, orgasming at the sheet and with the dopamine release and numbing of the prefrontal cortex part of the brain (in my imagination, I am quite uneducated on brain anatomy and neurophysiology, no wonder I have these childish images of what's going on in my brain by performing these actions and thinking that it will that calm me down and tire me for sleep). Theses sexual fantasies are most likely a result of sexual deprivation or lack of an intimate and loving relationship with another girl since I can imagine loving another man and I am attracted sexually by women and can only fantasies loving and intimate relationships with women when confronting them as my acquaintances or friends in real interactions.

 

The Dream when I finally fell asleep at about 7:00 AM: I wasn't sure if I was unaware that I was dreaming, but the memory of the dream is murky now. The Dream was like a repetition of my pose as I was dry jerking in but now it was like I was teleported to a different bed and the place was switched to my little room where I go to sleep when I visit my grandparent's apartment on the 12th floor of a building. At one point I found myself in the pose of falling flat to my chest at the bed and with my hand and arms contorted it was as If I have just fallen from a high altitude cliff or building straight to the bottom ground and have broken my arms and legs in the process because of the impact of the fall. I suddenly then became aware that I was slowly lifted up by some force and was going upwards like floating and then suddenly spun around and tossed in the direction of the window of the room to fall down from the 12th floor of the apartment building where they live to the ground below. I suddenly had a shock of existential fear and doubt within the dream if I am really dreaming and if I am going to really die by falling and being splashed to the ground, and as I was basically breaking the window glass by being tossed by that reverse gravity-like force I willed myself in slight terror and shock to wake up.

I looked at the clock in my room it was 7;50.

Edited May 18, 2020 by Milos Uzelac