6 years and I still can't get him out of my head

[iceprincess]

okay so i dated this guy when i was super young like 15, we dated for 3 months and we barely got to see eachother. he broke up with me and i was super sad but i figured i would eventually get over him. this was back in 2014 now its 2020. this man has not left my mind since then i swear it's like a virus in my head. before he told me his feelings for me i was so happy and detached and carefree and now i obsess over him everday of my life. in between we've met and hungout a few times but i always end up repeating the same mistakes. he's actually great i was the toxic and abusive one in our relationship. i tried everything i tried moving onto other guys , i went months without stalking his social media, i tried therapy but absolutely nothing has worked. i dont know what to do its like ive been struck with a terminal disease and its really held me back in life. i just wanna get over him and move on i dont wanna get backtogether.

[Azis]

he seems like a great guy 

[Roy]

The simplest path would be to find more interesting and important things in your life to be pursuing, and with time you'll forget and therefore get over him.

If you have an uneventful life with nothing going on, then of course you are going to reminisce and constantly look back to the past for joy! The problem is that's all done and gone now. It's never coming back.

I struggled with this same problem sort of problem for years as well. Nostalgia is addicting but it's ultimately inhibiting and holds you back from living a full life. You need to immerse yourself in the now and contemplate the future. Those are the only things that matter.

Consider adopting a mindfulness meditation practice. That will help most here.

Edited May 17, 2020 by Roy

[legendary]

You aren't attracted to him. You're attracted to an abstract idea in your head. You don't even know what he is like now. If you've been self actualising, you'll be a much better person than what you were 6 years ago. 

I would advise to meet up with him, be really mindful and present. You'll find that your idea of him and reality don't really match up. You may find that you're no longer attracted to him.

Just my two cents.

[mandyjw]

This is actually quite common, it has something to do with the age, and the naive clear pure way we fall in love at that age. What you want is not him, but the pure love you felt then, without any reason for feeling it. Let go of the thoughts about him, and the thoughts that you shouldn't be having thoughts about him and obsessing over it. They are just occurring on their own. If it feels right, seek out a spiritual connection in whatever form feels good, follow your heart in other areas of your life, interests, ambitions, etc. Let go of the story that you're stuck on him. You aren't really. You just want something that you haven't quite defined for yourself yet, and that's fine, the beautiful of that unfolding and discovery is truly what you really want. 

 

[The observer]

@iceprincess

It sure is difficult.

But as always and as with everything, what you resist persists. You say that you want to get over him and that you've tried so hard for 6 years. That sure has been a turmoil. But how about trying the counter-intuitive approach for a change? How about you stop trying to get over him but instead you start leaning into the thoughts that you have about him? Look closer and deeper. What is there but thoughts? Are there emotions? How are the emotions and thoughts connected with each other? You see. In this approach, you're facing your fears instead of trying to hide/bury them under the surface. You're actually doing what your feelings have been telling you to do all along; To look closer, to acknowledge them, and to know yourself.

Don't be afraid. Thoughts have no power over you. They're just thoughts.

Embrace your pain. Express it. Talk about it. Eventually, it will spontaneously go away.

And always remember; It will pass, whatever it is. Nothing remains forever.

Edited May 17, 2020 by The observer

[iceprincess]

14 hours ago, legendary said:

You aren't attracted to him. You're attracted to an abstract idea in your head. You don't even know what he is like now. If you've been self actualising, you'll be a much better person than what you were 6 years ago. 

I would advise to meet up with him, be really mindful and present. You'll find that your idea of him and reality don't really match up. You may find that you're no longer attracted to him.

Just my two cents.

@legendary i've actually have met up with him a few times in the past we talked a lot and hung out and tbh he's improved so much over the last few years. he's really into consciousness work and he's really evolved since last time. he is so much sweeter and compassionate and alot wiser. he's really improved his mindset which makes me want him more. not to mention hotter he got all buffed up at the gym. smh i'm the one that hasn't improved, in the last 6 years i've only gotten fatter and i haven't accomplished any of my goals 

[iceprincess]

15 hours ago, Roy said:

The simplest path would be to find more interesting and important things in your life to be pursuing, and with time you'll forget and therefore get over him.

If you have an uneventful life with nothing going on, then of course you are going to reminisce and constantly look back to the past for joy! The problem is that's all done and gone now. It's never coming back.

I struggled with this same problem sort of problem for years as well. Nostalgia is addicting but it's ultimately inhibiting and holds you back from living a full life. You need to immerse yourself in the now and contemplate the future. Those are the only things that matter.

Consider adopting a mindfulness meditation practice. That will help most here.

@Roy yeah you're right i haven't really done anything with my life , it's been pretty mediocre. most likely if i busy myself and work on self actualising i'll see some improvements

[iceprincess]

11 hours ago, The observer said:

@iceprincess

It sure is difficult.

But as always and as with everything, what you resist persists. You say that you want to get over him and that you've tried so hard for 6 years. That sure has been a turmoil. But how about trying the counter-intuitive approach for a change? How about you stop trying to get over him but instead you start leaning into the thoughts that you have about him? Look closer and deeper. What is there but thoughts? Are there emotions? How are the emotions and thoughts connected with each other? You see. In this approach, you're facing your fears instead of trying to hide/bury them under the surface. You're actually doing what your feelings have been telling you to do all along; To look closer, to acknowledge them, and to know yourself.

Don't be afraid. Thoughts have no power over you. They're just thoughts.

Embrace your pain. Express it. Talk about it. Eventually, it will spontaneously go away.

And always remember; It will pass, whatever it is. Nothing remains forever.

@The observer i was thinking of trying self hypnosis to get over him. i've been reading a few articles about women who have tried this technique to get over their exes and they've produced some significant results. i'm just scared of the possibility of getting over him because my whole life in these last 6 uears has been structured around him. literally everything i do is for him and if i don't have that anymore i wonder if i will still have that motivation to improve myself. the core reason why i've been meditating, eating clean and exploring my spirituality is for him and i'm glad i've done these things but what if all of that is gone once i get over him?

[Leo Gura]

@iceprincess So go be with him and burn it to the ground.

Sometimes the best way out is through.

[Oliver Saavedra]

Honestly, cry a lot, detachment is hard, and you might require to grief to let him go. First accept that you might never be with him.
Write a LOT, get it all out, every fantasy, every ideal, every broken dream, cry while you write, write while you cry. Write your story and end it.


Now for a manly answer...

Get busy, work on your goals, create a vision for yourself, make your life about YOU not about someone else. It's easier to escape and fantasize about someone else (that's how us men get caught in porn). The thing is to re-direct your focus, you've been mantaining the idea of him, the problem is not him, he's just a dude, the thing that's stuck is the idea of him, the story you've made of him. So learn to let it go, and shift your attention to what really matters.

[The observer]

1 hour ago, iceprincess said:

@The observer i was thinking of trying self hypnosis to get over him. i've been reading a few articles about women who have tried this technique to get over their exes and they've produced some significant results. i'm just scared of the possibility of getting over him because my whole life in these last 6 uears has been structured around him. literally everything i do is for him and if i don't have that anymore i wonder if i will still have that motivation to improve myself. the core reason why i've been meditating, eating clean and exploring my spirituality is for him and i'm glad i've done these things but what if all of that is gone once i get over him?

I'll give you my honest opinion from what I've experienced and learned through reading.

The love you're describing is not just some ordinary love. That's passionate worshipping. I'm sorry for saying this but this kind of love is very deep and it is known to drive people to insanity, literally.

Right now, you most certainly have an idealistic image of him in your mind. This image cannot be broken intellectually by hypnosis or anything of the sorts. It is like a spell that can only be broken by drinking the same potion that caused it in the first place. You have to find him and talk to him in person and see his flaws and mistakes first-hand. He's not an angel. He's not perfect like your mind is portraying to you. Your conscious mind might understand that, but your subconscious mind can't yet. You should seek him out. You must watch your fantasies breaking before your eyes. You must be disappointed with all the sandcastles you've built around him in your mind. Only then will you be free. Remember, everything has two sides. There's no absolute good quality. For example, being spiritually developed must mean that there's lack in some other aspects, even if your mind can't fathom that yet and tells you otherwise.

That's probably the best way to do it.

If you go and meet other guys, your mind will only see their shortcomings compared to the ideal image that you have of him, and therefore the problem will only get worse. You will believe that he's perfect and irreplaceable. So, unless you can intuit that since nobody is perfect then he can't be perfect either, stay away from relationships and endure the pain alone before it gets worse.

And don't worry about your motivations for now. They will remain untouched because you're actually doing what you're doing for God but your mind confuses God for that human.

Also, take everything I said with a grain of salt. A simple self hypnosis might work for you. I don't actually know your situation.

Edited May 18, 2020 by The observer

[Elton]

@iceprincess obsessing over your ex is just like your dream and fantasies.

You got to keep feeding them to keep them alive.

[iceprincess]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@iceprincess So go be with him and burn it to the ground.

Sometimes the best way out is through.

@Leo Gura i don't understand, in your breakup video you said not to get back with your ex. wouldn't getting back with him be counterintuitive  to self actualizing?

[Leo Gura]

22 minutes ago, iceprincess said:

@Leo Gura i don't understand, in your breakup video you said not to get back with your ex. wouldn't getting back with him be counterintuitive  to self actualizing?

I also said life is counterintutive

Sounds like you didn't get much of a chance to be with him.

Sometimes you gotta learn your lesson the hard way, by hitting your head against a brick wall.

[egoeimai]

That's  a sweet teenage obsession ❤️?

You'll get over it. There's no other way. You'll grow up. It happens to everyone. 

[Rilles]

do you have self esteem issues?

[Space]

On 5/17/2020 at 8:15 AM, iceprincess said:

okay so i dated this guy when i was super young like 15, we dated for 3 months and we barely got to see eachother. he broke up with me and i was super sad but i figured i would eventually get over him. this was back in 2014 now its 2020. this man has not left my mind since then i swear it's like a virus in my head. before he told me his feelings for me i was so happy and detached and carefree and now i obsess over him everday of my life. in between we've met and hungout a few times but i always end up repeating the same mistakes. he's actually great i was the toxic and abusive one in our relationship. i tried everything i tried moving onto other guys , i went months without stalking his social media, i tried therapy but absolutely nothing has worked. i dont know what to do its like ive been struck with a terminal disease and its really held me back in life. i just wanna get over him and move on i dont wanna get backtogether.

Try changing your perspective on your thoughts. Instead of resisting and not wanting the thoughts and feelings you have about this guy, try accepting them as fully and non judgmentally as possible. Almost observe them as a scientist would. Interested, objective, but not wanting to change anything. Each time you have a thought or feeling about this guy, try to take a step back and just observe it. Just fully and totally allow what arises to arise. Think 'Hmm there that thought again, how interesting *smiles*'. When a thought arises, smile and say thank you, like you're watching clouds in the sky, or a bird flying past. You notice it, you observe it happening, let it be exactly as it is without wanting to change anything, allow it to stay as long it wants. You must learn to accept these thoughts. This doesn't mean you endulge in the fantasies or actively encourage these thoughts/feelings. It means you accept them because they simply happening. Repeat this, over and over again, and your attachment to these thoughts and feelings will begin to fade. 

[iceprincess]

24 minutes ago, Rilles said:

do you have self esteem issues?

@Rilles i mean most people do to some degree. i have healthy self esteem when it comes to not comparing myself to others and taking responsibility for my actions and my feelings but i lack authenticity and being assertive.  

[iceprincess]

5 minutes ago, Space said:

Try changing your perspective on your thoughts. Instead of resisting and not wanting the thoughts and feelings you have about this guy, try accepting them as fully and non judgmentally as possible. Almost observe them as a scientist would. Interested, objective, but not wanting to change anything. Each time you have a thought or feeling about this guy, try to take a step back and just observe it. Just fully and totally allow what arises to arise. Think 'Hmm there that thought again, how interesting *smiles*'. When a thought arises, smile and say thank you, like you're watching clouds in the sky, or a bird flying past. You notice it, you observe it happening, let it be exactly as it is without wanting to change anything, allow it to stay as long it wants. You must learn to accept these thoughts. This doesn't mean you endulge in the fantasies or actively encourage these thoughts/feelings. It means you accept them because they simply happening. Repeat this, over and over again, and your attachment to these thoughts and feelings will begin to fade. 

@Space  i don't resist the thoughts i have about him when they happen, i actually enjoy them and don't mind them being there. i don't beat myself even more  that would be terrible considering how much i think about him. what's more frustrating to me is that i can't seem to let him go. it's when i relfect back on my life and go "omg how is this guy still in my mind, move on already"  . in some way i;ve accepted it and realized at one point this will vanish. it's just annoying how long it's been taking over a relationship that was so long ago and so insignificant. what's gonna happen when i do end up in a really loving committed relationship and that goes to shit? how insane will i end up becoming then