Ghosting

[Arcangelo]

Yeah I learned that lesson: Selfishness is a positive thing.

With your time specially.

[Preety_India]

 

3 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

Yeah I learned that lesson: Selfishness is a positive thing.

With your time specially.

100 percent. 

 

[EternalForest]

@universe To call my approach abusive is pretty offbase. I felt more connected to them than they did to me.

To go more high concept, every time I shared Love before, they would accept it, and I would accept their Love. Then out of the blue, they rejected all my Love with no explanation. How could I not be confused? How could I not be a little hurt? If anything, leaving with no explanation is what's abusive, not feeling upset about it. Once again, I'm not entitled an explanation, but I do feel I deserved one.

@The observer I actually think wanting to talk to someone everyday is attractive. I really don't like the concept of neediness cause to me all that does is create fear that you're caring too much. Living the way you're describing, this "too cool for school" attitude would just feel a little empty to me. I like to like things.

[The observer]

21 minutes ago, EternalForest said:

@universe 

@The observer I actually think wanting to talk to someone everyday is attractive. I really don't like the concept of neediness cause to me all that does is create fear that you're caring too much. Living the way you're describing, this "too cool for school" attitude would just feel a little empty to me. I like to like things.

Do whatever you like. I am not your supervisor.

[universe]

20 minutes ago, EternalForest said:

@universe To call my approach abusive is pretty offbase. I felt more connected to them than they did to me.

To go more high concept, every time I shared Love before, they would accept it, and I would accept their Love. Then out of the blue, they rejected all my Love with no explanation.

You did wrote an explanation they gave you.

Quote

In the friendship many would say I was being too needy and demanded more of their time and energy than they were willing to give.

 

You are right, what they did to you was abusive, too! Thats why I wrote that they dont belong in your life. On the other hand look at your own behaviour. Did you try to control them?

[EternalForest]

@The observer I never said you were. We're just having a conversation, man.

@universe Their 5 word explanation of cutting me out of their life ("I'm getting my life together") basically translated to, even saying hi to me once a month was a negative influence on their life.

Also, I did not control them, I just asked them to do things, to which they could say yes or no. The only thing that would sometimes disappoint me is when I'd discover their reason for not being able to do something was a lie. I prefer if people tell me they just don't want to do something, I don't like when they lie about why they can't. So that did frustrate me a bit. 

They'd say things like "I don't have to justify to you why I don't want to do something." And that's true. But it's also true that they lied regularly about other plans they claimed to have, and like you, called me controlling when I called them out on it.

[Byun Sean]

@EternalForestNobody does anything wrong given their model of the world. They believe what they do is right from their point of view.

Your friends want to leave you? Thats alright thats their choice. It doesn't make you less of a person.

Now make sure you take care of yourself observe for any emotional reactions or spinning any internal thought stories about your friends leaving you.

If you Identify with pain, you cannot be free from it. Once you become aware of it you can free yourself from it

 

I also highly recommend to you the book: Loving What Is. By Byron Katie

I think it could change your life and your view on the situation my friend  

[EternalForest]

@Byun Sean I really appreciate the suggestion. I liked the concept and had high hopes going in, but I started reading a few chapters and sadly I'm not really resonating with her line of thinking. What I'm going to type from this point foreward isn't relevant to the original post, just The Work itself. I did The Work on another individual in my life, so once again all examples from this point foreward are just in general.

"Don't argue with reality"? Aren't you a part of reality? Can't you change things? Of course you can. Everything within your control is in your control, including how you feel about things. To say otherwise would be to say everyone around me is allowed to feel how they want to, craft reality, deal amongst each other and affect my life, but I can't do the same, because that's "out of my business"? I must be passive? People are making it my business, and without trying, everything I do affects others and "their business" as well. While I want them to do what they want to do on one level, I also have my own desires about what I want to do. And when what they're doing is in conflict with my desires, I can't pretend like I don't care. By having desires and by being alive I have a stake in the game.

We don't live in a bubble. Everyone and everything affects everything and everyone else. Just because I don't "get into other's business" doesn't mean they won't get into mine, so by proxy, because that's going on, that means I have to stick up for myself and defend myself. In a perfect world, if everyone stayed out of each other's businesses, I could see "accept everything as it is" making sense because then you would truly be on your own. But once again, because things aren't that way, they can't work that way. Ironically, I've got to "accept what is" in my own way and accept that because others affect me, I have to protect myself. To comment on what Katie said in the book, it's possible to be concerned about what Paul's doing while also being worried about what you're doing. Just because a turnaround statement may be true doesn't mean my original statement isn't also just as true.

Reversing the thought is a good concept, but the thing is that there's reasons for why I feel that way. I don't choose to feel that way. It doesn't just come out of thin air. I look at the reversed statements and I could say, yes, while that MAY be true, it's also true how I actually feel. So a lot of it also seems like taking the Devil's Advocate approach on every point. And once again, if we both sat down and took the Devil's Advocate approach together and both understood what was going on on the other side of the mirror, it might help matters. But let's be honest, it's extremely unlikely to happen, therefore I don't see much reason to change my stance if I know they won't change theirs. We're both not doing The Work.

So once again, thanks for the suggestion, but either I don't understand The Work or I just don't see things that way.

[Arcangelo]

8 hours ago, Byun Sean said:

Nobody does anything wrong given their model of the world. They believe what they do is right from their point of view.

Wrong.

[Forestluv]

On 5/14/2020 at 10:52 PM, EternalForest said:

I’m just confused because none of those 5 reasons explain what they did. They weren't ignorant or fearful about what they were doing, it was deliberate. 

You don’t know their experience and reality. You are projecting a reality based on your own conditioning and perception. 

[Byun Sean]

@EternalForest

My friends shouldn't leave me. Is that true?

How do you know that your friends leaving you is not actually a GOOD thing for you. Maybe years later you find out somehow it was the best thing that ever happened to you. My life has had many of those. I've been rejected and hurt many times in the past (even ghosted by a friend like you) only to find out later that it was actually better for both of our paths.

I don't know you or your personal situation. However.

The reality of it is: your friends did leave you, so saying they shouldn't leave you would be arguing with reality and would just cause you more unnecessary pain. thats what arguing with reality means. Creating rules in your own head that contradict with the reality of what is. What is is out of our control so it just hurts to argue with it.

 

The point I made about no one doing wrong given their model of the world is actually a very tricky one that even a lot of intelligent people don't get. What it means is that your friends all have a completely different psyche, sense of reality, sense of right and wrong, brain type, needs, etc. They perceive the world so much more differently from you than you can imagine.

Is there some code of right and wrong written down somewhere in the universe that makes it absolute? I don't think so. Our minds make these up so that we can justify fulfilling our own survival needs.

 

The big picture here is, your friends left you, so who the hell cares what is right and what is wrong. Just do whatever it takes for your sake to heal and release any unnecessary pain and trauma. And counterintuitively, accepting the reality of the situation is the first step toward just that.

 

Whatever resists persists. Stop resisting the situation and the pain and love it instead. Then by loving it, your suffering will turn into love and you will have risen to a higher level of consciousness.

[EternalForest]

@Serotoninluv

@Byun Sean

I took a week to think things over and I think I see what was holding me back. 

True love is giving without expecting anything in return. Giving for the sake of giving. 

I'm to the point where their apology is no longer necessary. Thanks for your help, 

[EternalForest]

Thanks again for everyone's replies and advice.

[Forestluv]

@EternalForest  ♥️ ? 

[Onemanwolfpac]

On a era of apps, I have little faith but in myself and the process. One of the things I do when Dating is to assume that I won't see the person ever again. In doing so, I fully engage and put my best foot forward. I lost count of the girls coming or going pre and post covid pandemic. Its not personal. It just is. I also found meditation very helpful. I hooked up with a girl. We never hungout again. Another girl i hooked up with in her car. Again, never seen her again. 

Apps are disposable because people are constantly searching. When I was younger I cared more and I tried to understand. I am more concerned about the hero's journey, works of Joseph Campbell, and leaving my mark on the life i live.

My Dating life reminded me of Batman. The hero story doesn't change but the Starlet does quite often. It used to piss me off. I find it funny now. 

[Onemanwolfpac]

On 15/05/2020 at 1:31 AM, Preety_India said:

Ghosting is a common technique used by narcissists to make the victim feel punished, isolated, abandoned or inferior. 

I think people are lazy in general. Talking to a stranger vs dating apps or sites. Selfishness is a evolutionary psychological trait that's helped survival historically. I don't see it much different from a ONS. It is just normalized. People ghost. Life changes. People change or don't change and it goes back to wherever it originated from. I don't put much thought into it. 

[Hans]

On 5/21/2020 at 11:13 PM, Byun Sean said:

@EternalForest

My friends shouldn't leave me. Is that true?

How do you know that your friends leaving you is not actually a GOOD thing for you. Maybe years later you find out somehow it was the best thing that ever happened to you. My life has had many of those. I've been rejected and hurt many times in the past (even ghosted by a friend like you) only to find out later that it was actually better for both of our paths.

I don't know you or your personal situation. However.

The reality of it is: your friends did leave you, so saying they shouldn't leave you would be arguing with reality and would just cause you more unnecessary pain. thats what arguing with reality means. Creating rules in your own head that contradict with the reality of what is. What is is out of our control so it just hurts to argue with it.

 

The point I made about no one doing wrong given their model of the world is actually a very tricky one that even a lot of intelligent people don't get. What it means is that your friends all have a completely different psyche, sense of reality, sense of right and wrong, brain type, needs, etc. They perceive the world so much more differently from you than you can imagine.

Is there some code of right and wrong written down somewhere in the universe that makes it absolute? I don't think so. Our minds make these up so that we can justify fulfilling our own survival needs.

 

The big picture here is, your friends left you, so who the hell cares what is right and what is wrong. Just do whatever it takes for your sake to heal and release any unnecessary pain and trauma. And counterintuitively, accepting the reality of the situation is the first step toward just that.

 

Whatever resists persists. Stop resisting the situation and the pain and love it instead. Then by loving it, your suffering will turn into love and you will have risen to a higher level of consciousness.

Hey, thanks for this. I got ghosted recently, I was feeling hurt and really still felt like I needed closure - how could she not just say to me what the problem was!

But when I read this, I started laughing. Why am I arguing with reality? She ghosted me and this i s reality, this is what's real. Why am I generating more pain for myself, struggling against what is real? It's stupid.

[Natasha]

@EternalForest If you don't get attached to another, it won't be so traumatic when/if they leave, even unannounced (aka ghosting) . Instead of figuring out their motives, etc, just thank the Universe for having weeded them out of your life. Sometimes people just don't know how to end a relationship/friendship and choose to break the connection by just vanishing. When that happens, your job is to refocus on yourself and understand that nothing in life is permanent. I think it was also Buddha who said that the root of all suffering is attachment.

Other helpful points on relating with others - don't take anything personally, no expectations, unconditional acceptance, and healthy self-love.

Hope this helps