Wait for the real one or dating with girls?

[MuriloPais]

Hi, this is a question that is on my mind in 2 weeks and i dont know what to do. I realized that i was meeting girls to boost my ego, so i removed Tinder from my phone and started to think in wait for the real one girl(girl that the universo put on your road, like real love). But at the same time came ideas on my mind like why not approach girls, meet on bars, social media  and have good moments, have so good and funny girls on this world, why Just wait? But in same time i dont want to create that type of profile on instagram that girls love, just to they find me hot or beautiful, or send messages for 40 girls and got answer of 10.

What your thoughts about?

Edited May 14, 2020 by MuriloPais

[Arcangelo]

Agreed

[universe]

Dont think about it too much. Meeting girls is an expression of yourself. To spread love and be authentic. You can do that in other ways too. The ego might get involved. You can deal with the thought of that happening now or you can deal with it when it comes up. Just be aware.

[Leo Gura]

Dating is how you find the real one.

Date with a purpose.

[assx95]

You are judging yourself a lot for being a certain way or for doing certain things. Do what you love. 

[egoeimai]

I think @Keyhole said it all.

I think that you should go for dating and see what happens. But then again, if you sit and wait, that'll be a lesson too. You never lose. Universe has the best for you no matter what you choose. 

[Onfeetable]

Of course you should go on date! don't worry about this! In my opinion you can't find you real love without trying. It is normal thing. By the way nowadays online dating is quite popular, so you can try to search girls via internet. For example I often use DoULike app, try it too. Here is an article about this app https://thehackpost.com/perfect-match-should-you-download-doulike-app.html

Edited May 15, 2020 by Onfeetable

[BenJackson]

I don't like to wait, I prefer to actively pursue girls.
I don't think I can't meet girls I love in the bar. I once tried to meet a girl who was very chattable in the bar and had a relationship for a while. That time was beautiful. You know, you need to be courageous and strong. Create more dating opportunities for yourself. Time is precious.

[MuriloPais]

13 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Dating is how you find the real one.

Date with a purpose.

 

11 hours ago, egoeimai said:

I think @Keyhole said it all.

I think that you should go for dating and see what happens. But then again, if you sit and wait, that'll be a lesson too. You never lose. Universe has the best for you no matter what you choose. 

 

4 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

 

Those are really great advices!

You definitely find the good one by meeting girls and by experiencing relationships.

What happens often is that you think you've meet someone who could be the one, and then you realize that's not it.

Then, the relationship is over, but you've gained wisdom and experience from it. You grow and get better at knowing what's right for you, what you are truly looking for and who might be right for you next time.

--

Ps: A successful relationship with someone else starts with a successful relationship with oneself. Don't forget to self-actualize while you look for the one.

One attracts the individual it deserves.

 

 

 

13 hours ago, Keyhole said:

Do whatever you want.  There is no one true love for you.  All of that is archetypal, and humans have a limited number of archetypes that they can express and understand.

So your One will be found through doing nothing or going out and sleeping around.  Whoever fits that archetype the best is your One, but other people can express it as well.  If that One doesn't work out you can dip into the well and find the same player manifesting in another way.

I want say thank you for this comments, i saw yesterday and give me a light haha, i started to talk with some girls on messages and got right. I realized this way of thinking(wait for the real one) came from my mother, she said to me multiple times and i picked this idea, i know that dont have problems on it, but i really want to meet new girls and create connection. Thank you guys ❤.

[The observer]

7 hours ago, Keyhole said:

There are plenty of great people who attract bad partners and plenty of terrible people who attract great partners.

I gotta side with @Etherial Cat on this.

It mainly has to do with the person themselves. If I close myself and shy away from love, how can I receive it? If I don't love myself, then I will not allow anyone else to love me, because I believe deep down that I don't deserve love because it is a sin.

It all starts with a judgement and ends with a judgement. These plenty of mismatching people are not actually mismatches. They sure have some similar and some different qualities. The way attraction works is not simple, I agree. But then, do you think the way you think things should work out is the best way? Do you think that your judgement is better than God's? After all, you're forgetting that you're only judging from a very small perspective. When you judge someone as great or terrible, what does it actually mean? Does it say anything about them? Or does it say much more about you?

Like all belief systems, attraction theories have their limitations. The map is not the territory. Being narcissistic is not a bad thing, and there is no ideal personality to chase. These subtle judgements run our lives, and potentially ruin them too. Let me know if you want to discuss more about this. I would be more than happy to.

[Preety_India]

 

I agree with Keyhole. 

People with low self esteem don't deserve abuse or bad relationships. They deserve more love and understanding than others because of their weaknesses and sensitive natures, they need and deserve a lover who is a helper and a healer, not an abuser. 

The world works upside down and downside up. Paradox. 

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Preety_India

[The observer]

28 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

 

@The observer If it is healthy narcissism that we all have this is fine but pathological narcissism will be inherently destructive.

How do you define healthy vs. unhealthy narcissism? At which point the healthy turns into pathology?

28 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

I cant imagine that two people who don't treat each other well would be a good match.

Yes, on a surface level. But I don't think that abuse is due to the attraction itself, but rather due to a bunch of reoccurring patterns for those people. And basically, all abuse boils down to boundaries and miscommunication. You can't let kids play basketball indoors. You know they're going to break lamps. If you create boundaries, they can enjoy playing outside, and you can keep your lamps safe and unbroken. Yet, without having the ability to communicate clearly and effectively, all boundaries become useless. So, it's a mixture of both.

Of course, there are some rare cases where you are not even able to choose to create boundaries or communicate, like physical abuse. But that's not the general rule. It's like less than 10%. This requires special care and strong enforcement of boundaries by outer parties. We can only do our best to prevent it, but unfortunately, our best is not always good enough.

Edited May 15, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

17 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

People with low self esteem don't deserve abuse or bad relationships. They deserve more love and understanding than others because of their weaknesses and sensitive natures, they need and deserve a lover who is a helper and a healer, not an abuser.

It works both ways, and it goes full-circle. At some point, extreme abuse could turn into healing, as in it teaches us how to be strong and independent. And similarly, at some point, extreme healing could turn into abuse, as in too much softness makes you spoiled and vulnerable. Try to always look at things from different angles. The world is more flexible than it appears to be.

Anyway, I guess the best way around this is to find balance, but how do we find our individual balance without going back and forth between the extremes? It's easy to come up with theories, but each one of us has their own delicate balance and we're all at different places.

Also, you could always love and understand yourself regardless of your partner. That alone can heal you.

[Preety_India]

2 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

It's very likely that they have chosen the abuser themself! That's the whole thing!!! Nobody is picking two dysfunctional being claiming it will be a good pairing, these two are going for each other!

You clearly haven't been in an abusive relationship. Talk about victim shaming. I never chose to be with an abuser. I trusted my ex because that's the picture that was painted during the window dressing period of the relationship. We attracted each other because he was very smart and gentle and attractive looking. It was a win win for me because he was an absolute gentleman and charmer. The abuse only began in the 3rd month of the relationship and grew slowly in increments leading me confused and I hadn't known anything about narcissistic abuse at that point so I was ignorant or unaware of such relationship dynamics. I stayed in the abusive relationship not because I wanted to be abused but in the hopes that things would change and things did get better and got worse again, so I reached my breaking point and left, it's my true love for him that made me stick with him for so long, not weakness, people blame the woman who stays in an abusive relationship, quit victim blaming, they don't understand how complicated relationships are and the emotional bonding is so strong so its not that easy to simply break off and walk away. If it was that easy, no woman would need any sort of advice or help in relationships, we wouldn't have so many life coaches, marriage counselors and therapists pitching tent everywhere. Women are very emotional that's why they need a ton of coaxing and coaching to gradually desensitize them away from that relationship with the abuser and slowly break that bond. 

Relationships are too complex for you to simply base it on high self esteem and low self esteem 

These  are just one of the few parameters within a relationship but at the top level, huge factors are at play within a relationship than just self esteem. 

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Preety_India

[Amit]

Dating is a waste of time, girls will flock around you, when they see you have what they want. Stop caring.. 

[Amit]

@Etherial Cat doing inner work is emotionally challenging, A victim mindset is always ready to feel hurt, not realizing that it's himself who is projecting. A assailant mindset is unconsciously get sadistic pleasures by invoking that hurt. It's a vicious toxic loop, that's how life happens for most of the people. In the end, victim is either able to punish the assailant by some savior, or find some scapegoats to sacrifice for the hurt. 

But this will continue in the next relationship too, till some real growth happens for both of these mindset. I think biggest culprit is savior, who stagnate the growth process.

[Loving Radiance]

@MuriloPais  Good for you! It is a relief to just focus on taking one step at a time up the mountain.

[Preety_India]

 

 

1 hour ago, Amit said:

@Etherial Cat doing inner work is emotionally challenging, A victim mindset is always ready to feel hurt, not realizing that it's himself who is projecting. A assailant mindset is unconsciously get sadistic pleasures by invoking that hurt. It's a vicious toxic loop, that's how life happens for most of the people. In the end, victim is either able to punish the assailant by some savior, or find some scapegoats to sacrifice for the hurt. 

But this will continue in the next relationship too, till some real growth happens for both of these mindset. I think biggest culprit is savior, who stagnate the growth process.

Don't use the term victim mindset so loosely. There are victims of abuse and violence. You're calling them victim mindset without having any empathy for them. Try to be in their shoes sometimes and don't be so quick to judge them as victim mindset. I'm not playing a victim but that's what you're trying to imply. I'm a survivor of abuse not a victim player. I'm very courageous and brave, it takes bravery to survive so much, but your words are very hurtful, you call it victim mindset which is a way of tarnishing my struggles, almost an insult to injury, please don't do that, you probably have never spoken to a domestic violence victim, you are no expert on women nor do you try to understand women, you simply put your narration and spin on their stories. You can't decide how they are feeling and what they are. If they are victims, then they are victims, respect that. With that attitude you can never have a deep relationship with a woman, and if you want to grow on the spiritual path, then grow some empathy as well. Try to understand people rather than having an opinion on them, they want your understanding and empathy, not your thoughts on their character or behavior. Many times it's not the victim's fault at all, they are simply trusting a person they shouldn't trust. You say that a victim mindset is always ready to feel hurt. Subconsciously you are downplaying the abuse and trauma experienced by a person by simply saying that wanted to act hurt even when no one was hurting, they wanted to invite abuse and if you what you are saying is taken to the extreme, it basically means that the abuse never actually happened and it was all the victim putting on an act all along, pretending to be a victim for attention or sympathy. You are simply denying their humanity. This is a dangerous thinking and very hurtful to true victims and survivors. They are not looking for your validation nor are they looking for denial from people like you. 

You have also called women on social media as whores for expressing their sexual side, very degrading way of referring to women. You are already showing elements of toxic masculinity. 

Try to work on your attitude towards women in general. Try to understand and empathize when they suffer rather than dismissing it as acting or self pity victim mentality. No its not what you think.. Some People are really weak in this world. They are not having an agenda behind what they do. In fact they survive what you can't. They are strong and proud. They will continue to live happily and strive no matter what people like you think. 

 

. Goodluck 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Preety_India

[Amit]

9 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I'm not playing a victim but that's what you're trying to imply. I'm a survivor of abuse not a victim player. I'm very courageous and brave, it takes bravery to survive so much, but your words are very hurtful, you call it victim mindset which is a way of tarnishing my struggles, almost an insult to injury

I'm just implying freedom for you, which is to be awake, be free from your past, circumstances, mind. Be awake, free, be love. Yeah, you are that's why you are progressing, pushing the boundaries. More power to you always. Having a victim mindset is a reality for a lot of people, no I didn't say it about you, I empathize with you and even people with victim mindset. But there has to come a point of integration, when you realize that your abuser was yourself. I know you are not comfortable with this but it's okay, it takes time to see our own projection. 

[Preety_India]

 

Just now, Amit said:

I'm just implying freedom for you, which is to be awake, be free from your past, circumstances, mind. Be awake, free, be love. Yeah, you are that's why you are progressing, pushing the boundaries. More power to you always. Having a victim mindset is a reality for a lot of people, no I didn't say it about you, I empathize with you and even people with victim mindset. But there has to come a point of integration, when you realize that your abuser was yourself. I know you are not comfortable with this but it's okay, it takes time to see our own projection. 

You got a lot of growing up to do. Because you don't know shit. You have zero compassion to victims. And then as per you, they are not comfortable just because they don't agree with you.. 

If you think that all the victims in the world are their own abusers, then you need a lot of learning about relationship dynamics.. 

I feel sorry that you didn't get an opportunity to learn compassion. By showing that their suffering is their own Projection, you have completely dismissed the cause of their suffering. 

Good job.. Not proud of your mindset at all. It's disturbing.