Overcoming Decay and Fatalism: Restructuring and Rebuilding from scratch

[Milos Uzelac]

I will start writing out the details of my personal state and how I got where I am, honestly as possible, I intuit for my own sake. After I googled some definitions of the word scratch that I used in the title of this journal, some interesting usages came up in context's that I think aptly reflect my current position in regards to the country which I live in, the rest of the world system and other people competing with each other close to my age and generation.

scratch used as an adjective in a sentence and in that context often has a meaning of (there are of course other meanings and definitions depending on the context of the theme or story in which it is used in this form): 

the quality of being assembled or made from whatever is available, and therefore unlikely to be of the highest quality.

(also  as well (of a sports competitor or event) with no handicap given)

scratch used as a noun in a sentence and in that context often has a meaning of (lat. ibid. , meaning the same as something aforementioned in the same context):

the starting point in a handicap for a competitor receiving no odds

[Milos Uzelac]

Personal development most prominent obstacles and challenges areas:

1. internal hindrances (tbr) 

2. external obstacles: development of one's own culture and society, on which one depends and survives by,

3. close kin and family relationship problems (tbr):

• toxic family members (my "breadwinner" in the house father),
• symbiotic dependence (financial on them (the psychoanalyst and social psychologist Erich Fromm described this form of unhealthy constraining (he described sado-masochistic) familial or even intimate relationships (through a metaphor of a condependent relationship between a fetus and a pregnant women, to represent actual relationships between couples or close family members, in which both parties are constrained and tied by there codependence with each other, and therefore unable to be independently grow as individuals or achieve personal liberation by themselves) in his book,, The Art of Loving" which he published in 1956, didn't ever discipline myself or organized myself properly to read it as a whole  (nitpicked some parts in the beginning, procrastinated on it, drown myself in entertainment and forgot about it), my goal is to include and adopt more concepts from Fromm's work and include it as part of this journal, since they will be needed as theoretical knowledge, most likely to properly form a relevant and lasting intimate relationship with another human being, correct and manage my pre-existing relationships with my family and to conscious my way in some sort of independence (which is a goal I could have committed to myself much earlier but failed and descended into mostly neurotic periodic episodes of social isolationism sustained by constant stimulation by entertainment (the everpresent social phenomena in our developed countries, I will articulate more and inform more of my thoughts and opinions about for example politictainment (i.e. reality showesque representation of power in contemporary developed countries, Trump and Vucich in Serbia, what is it about, their tactics with it and their long-term strategies and goals with it), in later post in the journal)  by various media channels from entertainment part of YT, movies, anime (long series and movies) and video games and periodic extreme porn overconsumption to fill the hole of not having any intimate or close relationships), in fact when I became acquainted and discovered Leo's work in 2017 (when I was finishing my last year in high-school) I had 3 years of getting my priorities straight, slowly working  on them and having small acomplishments day by day on them in order to have some sort of financial independence and intimate relationship by now, when I turn 22 in about 17 days from now.

4. virtual content distraction  (tbr - to be revised-  can't think of a different  correct acronym, unfortunately, and lazy to look it up now, this late )

5. addictions and engrossment to certain ideologies (system of ideas of how the world should be in the future, for example in my case an infantile understanding of 21st century Marxism)

6. external obstacles: financial independence (tbr) 

7. self-defeating prophecy thought patterns

• patterns of regrets - mostly about all of the low-conscious decisions that I accumulated in my mind and awareness up to this point
• patterns of guilt

7. dream and fantasy (even though I have the citizenship and no acquaintances for me and my father from there) of "escaping" from a destiny of life in a low chance for good employment (i.e. employment that I want, primarily a teaching job in the social sciences or a foreign language) and career development in Serbia and going to (I reason it in my head) start from scratch in Canada (though I still have the (slightly unrealistic now, after the crisis, maybe I am just deluding myself and lack information, I will have to find out) reservations of wanting to get a diploma in social sciences here in Serbia. Conflicting, contradictory, and not strong enough, kinda in a fantasy sphere and lack of a committed till now daily action imprinted and sustained vision. (tbr)

Note: an incomplete, incoherent, and unrevised list for now:

• 5.16.2020 Too tired, uninspired now and with lack of time (it's past midnight here in the CEST time zone) to think about adding more to the list and describing the difficulties of the particular obstacle, I choose to write about, which I want to overcome. I needed to finish tomorrow some procrastinated family commitments and to start writing and getting ideas for framing my also procrastinated mandatory exam precondition essay on sociological film analysis. (I will add small info notes for each date as I update this section of the journal each time, I  don't have a conception or plan how to structure this journal section by section, for now, just conceived of the title to try to accurately describe and communicate in which kind of state I generally am now, what I need to personally overcome and where do I go realistically as possible from here.)
• 5.16. 2020 Huh, short observation when reading what I wrote, I label, pretty judgingly, the explanation of my perceived actions and current state a lot (tbr)

 

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by Milos Uzelac
Grammar, sentence structuring errors and refreshed memory

[Milos Uzelac]

Biggest Fears and Resistance's that came up during this morning's 20 breath-focused attempted meditation:

• Future imagined suffering and daily hardships in a probable low wage and toxic culture work environment where I would feel lonely and isolated - since I am now going to lose my state-financed student privilege along with it my deceased mother's pension benefits, which kept me for working and allowed me just to coast on being a disciplined and committed student (of passing the necessary exam quota's in order to keep being financed by the state and keep these pension benefits) which was the only secondary source of income apart from my father's hard work (I worry also a lot that he is slowly getting too old (58 years old), unhealthier physically (a bit obese) and more neurotic and oversensitive and handicapped psychologically for stress tolerance and the workloads he has taken upon him self at the private foreign language school as teacher of basics in English and German (often strong anger and stress outburst directed towards me if I made mistake with a chore or my perceived state of passivity, inaction, fatalism and depression during the pandemic crisis peek here and my confused state about my plans and actions for the future now). The fear and doubt is that he can't keep being the sole breadwinner anymore in the upcoming months or few years (depending), and my fear and dread is that while I was procrastinating and avoiding this possible future with distractions, fantasizing, entertainment and pleasure on and off while not being consistent in building a work discipline, tests, and risks with some work experience (as a bartender for example once) to toughen for tough times or securing through the necessary exam quota the family pension through the state-financed status, that burden will fall solely on my shoulders to work and provide for us two (my father might though soon receive a sort of retirement family pension guarantee, we will have to see it's still in the not known) - and that I am grossly unprepared both mentally and physically for that radical change of life experience, style, and organization requirements of working low wage physically and mental concentration and focus demanding job and being able to have the willpower, discipline and organization to study and go to faculty as well. These are my fears of the imagined closed future and regrets for the constant ignoring and my distraction with entertainment, escape to a fantasy land (living soon in Canada, YT) to avoid it and accept the difficulties and change required for it in order to keep the lifestyle at my apartment that I have. -I will see to correct this Grammarly and write it more coherently, I have written this in a hurry to write out my repetitive thought patterns of worry and fear of the drastically perceived life future that keep coming up when I sit down to meditate in the morning.
• The Canada travel thing not happening anywhere in the near future, that I am just fantasizing and getting confirmation bias by my father who is fantasizing of retiring there as well.
• being alien and isolated from my own's country's culture, values, and worldviews
• imagined and expected fear of that close uncertain work environment and disciplined life organizing future, that paralyzes me to plan ahead for actions and to keep in mind, staying focused and concentrated on daily habits (that are in the present, regarding studying and helping other people and accomplishing tasks of favors family and other people asked me to do) of commitments I had planned in advance
• thought patterns of anxiety and fear over the radical requirement and sacrifice of reorganizing and disciplining my life and mind in the unknown workspace and the fear of the time spent there fitting in and being able to have basic solidarity with colleagues
• thought patterns of deep hatred and dismissiveness towards the culture and people in this country and where I will maybe be working (very patriarchal, order and command-oriented, judgemental, oriented towards physical strength, brash, etc. I know a lot of people who are very kind, nice and forgiving of employee mistakes, but I am projecting the worst-case scenarios which I fear I might encounter and experience for a long period in the future physical labor workplace)
• fears over possible mistakes (I am not very physically skillful, concentrated, and precise and I am kinda clumsy and slow to respond with my movements) I will be making and the different sleep schedules I will be needing for a physically demanding work environment.
• I have written this to get out all the thoughts and fear-based feelings that have been plaguing me and kept coming up during my meditation and in my daily thinking and assessment about my near (I expect) future.

[Milos Uzelac]

Dead End for now - I Will explain and write tomorrow for me.