Experiments in personal development

[Spry]

Day 22

Impulse to masturbate has been a little less intense.

Also feeling like holding eye contact with attractive women is easier and more natural. This may be an exaggeration, but before it felt like I wanted to but my subconscious was ashamed or something. Feeling a lot less of that now.

Honestly if all these changes so far stem from no fap/no porn it's definitely worth it. It's not a magic pill but it does feel like a multivitamin.

[Spry]

Day 23

Not much new to report today. Still staying on track.

[Spry]

Day 24

The tricky part of this is always telling how much is placebo and how much is an actual change. Seems positive in the ways mentioned already but it's hard to tell. 

Like I mentioned in the beginning, I'm gonna stick to the no porn thing for the full 90 days but I'll probably try masturbating at 30 days and see if there's a noticeable change. Ideally I'd like to keep up the no porn thing indefinitely because I can't see any benefit to using it. No fap would be super rough without a girlfriend though. We'll see. 

[Spry]

Day 25

Still having cravings on and off. Mostly when I'm bored or see/think of something that turns me on. I wonder if this will change after 3+ months or if that's just how it's gonna be.

[Spry]

Day 26

Sex has definitely been way better since starting this. Orgasms have been significantly stronger and I've definitely been more interested in having it because, well, I'm not getting it anywhere else lol.

The only thing I'm cautious at this point is wanting sex more than my girlfriend. We both enjoy sex and have it most days we hang out, but my drive is just so high right now.

[Spry]

Day 27

I still have a lot of flash-thoughts of porn videos throughout the day. Maybe half a dozen times a day or so. Interestingly, it's often due to innocuous stimuli. Furthermore, porn and interest in women still feels surprisingly separate.

There seem to be two distinct processes that happen:

1. See someone attractive -> Want to have sex

2. See or think of something that reminds me of a porn video -> fantasize about that video or a similar situation -> want to have masturbate

I wonder if the second one will decrease in frequency and intensity over time.

On the positive side, I never really fantasize about other things during sex anymore. The main reason is simply that it's so easy for me to come now. If I haven't had sex in 4 or 5 days, I feel like I could come in 30 seconds if I wanted to, and it's hard not to come in 5 or 10 even if I try to hold it back. Whereas before, I felt like I could go indefinitely and then make myself come whenever I wanted to, just as long as it was in a specific position (and often aided by a fantasy). 

Outside of sex though, I still fantasize about porn situations pretty often.

[Spry]

Day 28

Actually haven't been that motivated to masturbate. Surprisingly I've been more motivated to look at porn. Seems like the urge to masturbate only comes up when I've seen an attractive girl recently. 

[Spry]

Day 29

Looking at the post above, I guess it goes back and forth between wanting to masturbate and wanting to watch porn. When I haven't had sex in 4 or 5 days the drive to masturbate gets really strong. Otherwise it's more of a curiosity about porn or remembering good videos that I want to watch again.

I do feel like this has all been positive. 90 days of no porn feels like a long time though. I'll do it, but honestly I feel like having a few "cheat days". 

Finally, one thing I read about in the book "chasing the scream" (great book about the war on drugs) is that most addictions are about connection. One of the scientists argued that we should call it "bonding" rather than "addiction". What that means is that we're looking for genuine human connection, love and understanding, and if we don't get it we instead bond with drugs, porn, our work, etc.

I think that's a really interesting way to look at it. In another book I read, the author (who was an ex-addict) talked about her relationships with certain drugs explicitly as a love affair. 

[Spry]

Day 30-32

Hit the 30 day mark with no porn/no fap. Been masturbating the past 2 days. Still going at least 90 without porn though as stated in the original post.

Sexual fantasies feel a lot healthier. It's mostly been pretty benign stuff.

I still feel like I'm compulsive with masturbation. I'll do it several times a day if I have time even though it's much more enjoyable if done less often. That said, not watching porn kind of puts a cap on it, so to speak. After the first 2 or 3 times, it takes more effort to get really turned on and without porn I often don't make the effort.

Anyway, still shooting for 90 days. At that point I'll probably give myself a cheat day or two and then cut out porn for good. There's really no reason not to. 

With masturbation, I'm still figuring it out. It would be nice to just do it once a week or so but it feels like it takes a lot of willpower. I'll have to experiment more to see if it's worth it. Trying to tease out which positive effects come from stopping porn, which come from not masturbating and which are placebo.

Probably won't update as often now. Honestly I was kind of hoping to get some feedback or community involvement, which is why I did this publicly. I'll still check in and update now and then, at least until the 90 day mark.