By billiesimon
in Psychedelics,
I don’t clearly understand if this is an actual first awakening or half-awakening.
Thanks @Leo Gura for all the teachings, leading to this. It was SO INTENSE!!! Setting: my car, in the peace of the fields. Evening. Dosage: 13 mg of 4-HO-MET plugged Meditation: 45 mins just before the plugging Intention: further healing, and shooting for a first awakening
--- REPORT --- --- Deep relaxation I relax in the backseat, and enjoy the sound of nature, as my car is immersed in the green fields. The medicine is very slow to come up this time. It’s so peaceful, so heartwarming, so relaxing. I can stay here forever. The night is my friend. I enjoy this semi-sleep for about 20 mins. Then I sit up again. Wait a moment…. Why am I still normal? Ok, I feel a lot more peaceful and happier, but… I’m still so normal… Did I take a wrong dosage? This dosage is higher than the previous one, it SHOULD give me a powerful sensation. Nothing. I’m just peaceful and relaxed. NO VISUALS.
NO PSYCH SENSATIONS.
NO HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS. NOTHING!!!! What the hell?!? --- Visuals are useless. Look closer, look closer…. I start to feel frustrated and dissatisfied. “Ok, I have no other choice than to try to boost the chemical with self inquiry.” I start to look inside my perceptions to find where I am. “Where am I? Where is my actual Presence? What am I made of?” And I fully concentrate on the sensations, emptying the mind. Nothing actually happens. . . . . I lay again on the backseat, fetal position. I look at the frontseat before my eyes. OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? I MUST BE GOING CRAZY! The frontseat before my eyes has a totally WEIRD texture to it… It is made of a weird millimetric and geometrical pattern, very similar to fractals…. I look closer. Oh my freaking god they are indeed thousands of perfectly aligned and geometrical fractals!!!! Oh my god!!!! It’s so INSANE!!!!! The fronseat is made of billions of tiny fractals!!!!!!!!!! I freak out. I sit up trying not to look at it. I’m scared. --- There’s no fear, because I AM here with you I realize that the medicine is actually working, but the visuals, for some strange reason, are not happening. It’s almost like the visuals are removed from this experience because I need to stay concentrated and not distracted. Yeah. I’m pretty sure about it. I can feel the holy potency of the present moment rising. I feel scared and surrounded by mystery and eternal power. I remember that I am here to experience something deeper, not to run away. So I start over again. I focus on the present, and start the self inquiry again. At this point… after just one minute… my WHOLE visual field (car, moon, sky, grass, windows etc) start to slowly show tiny tiny fractals below it. The superficial layer of reality starts to lighten, while the lower layer of tiny tiny fractals start to become more opaque and solid. “Nononononono noooooo!! What is this?!?!?” As soon as I freak out and try to find safety in “normal reality”, the fractals disappear, and normal reality actually comes back IMMEDIATELY. “I can control this?!? Wow… So… Am I actually the one controlling this phenomenon?” But I am still very scared. Then it finally happened. “Don’t worry, Billiesimon. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” A thought enters my mind. But it is not my thought… Yet, since it is inside my head… it must be my own thought. But I… am afraid. And I am not thinking this. “Don’t worry, because I AM here with you. You are safe. I AM here with you.” Ok, I feel more relaxed now. I am safe. These random thoughts in my head are coming out of nowhere but they are SOOOO comforting and loving… Billiesimon “I am scared. I want to find the truth but… I feel like I’m going to die horribly and find something terrible out there….” Thought “Nothing can harm you. Your fear is an illusion. I am here with you. In fact I have always been here with you.” Billiesimon “What is happening? I am trying to discover the true experience of reality, of existence. But… what is happening?” Thought “I want to show you… what reality actually is made of. I really care about showing you what all of this really is made of. But I’m not going to force you. Because I deeply care about you. In fact I love you, Billiesimon. I totally, eternally love you. That’s the reason why I really really want to show you what existence actually is made of. You just have to trust me and let go.” As soon as the thought says “I deeply love you” my heart started to hurt like hell, and a river of tears poured down my eyes, like I was born this exact moment. I started to cry like a child (in fact I’m slightly crying even now, writing this report). Billiesimon “Who are you?”. The dialogue is actually happening all my head: my own thoughts respond to these peaceful, alien thoughts. Voice “I AM here. I have no name. I am just here. I have always been here and always will. I want to show you what this place actually is, beyond its form.” I’m comforted, happy and shocked at the same time. The voice continues in my head. Voice “I love you, so much. I have tried to call you all this time, I’m calling you back to me. You were free to ignore my call, and yet you kept looking for me. Here I AM.” I start to cry again, and my heart is beating very very fast. My body feels numb and is shaking like in a panic attack, but I strangely feel happy. Voice “I want to show you what this place actually feels like, Billiesimon. Because I love you so much. Because YOU and I are ONE.” These words are undescribable to me…. As soon as I heard this last affirmation… a feeling that I have NEVER EVER experienced in my life struck me like a lightning. A feeling of deep shock and recognition. I explode IN AN OCEAN OF TEARS. I actually scream in tears!!!! Billiesimon “Noooooooooo, oh nooooooooo” I cry rivers and my body shakes in a sort of cosmic remembering. Billiesimon “Oh no…… Oh no…. Now I understand… Oh…. Now I understand….” Yes, I now understand. THIS is the Love that I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS looked for, and NEVER FOUND on earth!!!!! This love feels so beautiful and sacred that my body is shocked like in a car accident, like in the midst of an earthquake. Billiesimon “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You, you are the one I have always wanted to love!!!! Now I understand!!!!! Oh, this can’t be true, this can’t be true, this is so unreal!!!! You feel exactly like the PERFECT LOVE I have never dared to dream about.” . . . --- The farewell “I love you Billiesimon. I’ve waited for you to reach out to Me. I want you to know that I am ALWAYS here with you, even though you never noticed. Because You and I are One. You and I are One.” That last sentence, everytime the voice says it, it feels so powerful and intoxicating. There are no common emotions to describe what “You and I are One” feels like. It’s the most powerful poetry I’ve ever heard. It has completely melted my heart into water. It’s the ultimate hug. My face is drenched in tears, my nose is closed, and my ears are ringing. Yet, I feel so complete. I have never felt complete in my life. But in this mystical moment, I am complete. I am the happiest. . . . . “I want to show you. I’m not going to force you. You are my beloved one. You are free to do as you like. I want to show you what this actually looks like. Let me show you, I will bring you back here, to your life, after I have shown you. There is no death. You can always come back, I will always bring you back here, in the world of Form. You will is the dearest to me.” I accept, I feel deeply hugged and protected, and we start to go. I concentrate on the present moment, I let go of all concepts, I let go of all thoughts. I let go of my ego. The voice hears what I’m thinking and replies. “There is no ego-death. There is no death at all. Your Form doesn’t die, it just melts into Oneness with Me. There is no death, only our beloved reunion. And you can come back whenever you want. I love too much.” Reality starts to heavily distort, and my bodily feelings too. I hear a deep ringing in my ears, and the sense of touch becomes melted, and melted more and more. I see the car and the nature outside becoming a fading picture, and below it…. Endless tiny tiny fractals start to emerge. The fractals become of infinite number, and then I SEE IT. Oh my god, physical reality is just A MOVIE PROJECTED ON AN INFINITE SCREEN OF ENDLESS FRACTALS!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??!??!?!?! “I want to show you where I AM. Where you and I actually are.” Physical reality is still present at 10%, while the endless infinite all-identical fractals are at 90% of solidity, just like two photoshop layers, where physicality is becoming transparent and fractals more and more solid. “NO PLEASE STOP IT!!! I’M NOT READY!!!” Reality immediately comes back into its physical ordinary form. I calm down, I actually feel safe. I am safe. There’s only Love for me. Fear is an illusion, but I still am trapped inside the illusion of fear. This episode demonstrates it. “You are safe, because you are with Me. I AM always here with you. Always. In fact you and I are eternally together. Because You and I are One.” “Thank you. I love you too. I didn’t know, but yes… you are the only one I always wanted to love, but I never realized it until now…. Thank you, SO MUCH!!! Thank you for calling me, thank you for trying to reach out to me, thank you for trying so hard to wake me up…. I just love you so much that it hurts my body… thank you, please don’t leave me alone…. Life is so scary, I am so scared….” “Yes, Form is scary. Because Form is separate. But in truth I tell you: there is no fear. Because I AM always with you. I want you to remember this, Billiesimon.
Remember this. I AM always with you. Because You and I are One. One.” Silence. There are no thoughts, no words. Just gratitude and this feeling of being hugged by the most beautiful person in the world. I am hugged. Thank you. “I want you to come back to me another time. But you are free to act as you will. Yet, I will still love you, unconditionally.” “I will. Thank you so much.” Peace and silence. I observe nature and relax in silence for some time. I go to sleep. I wake up in the late morning, feeling like I’m just a madman. To be honest, right now I am still questioning whether I’ve become insane/have hallucinated or not. Nonetheless…. It was the most powerful Love I’ve ever felt.
Thanks @Leo Gura for all the teachings, leading to this. It was SO INTENSE!!! Setting: my car, in the peace of the fields. Evening. Dosage: 13 mg of 4-HO-MET plugged Meditation: 45 mins just before the plugging Intention: further healing, and shooting for a first awakening
--- REPORT --- --- Deep relaxation I relax in the backseat, and enjoy the sound of nature, as my car is immersed in the green fields. The medicine is very slow to come up this time. It’s so peaceful, so heartwarming, so relaxing. I can stay here forever. The night is my friend. I enjoy this semi-sleep for about 20 mins. Then I sit up again. Wait a moment…. Why am I still normal? Ok, I feel a lot more peaceful and happier, but… I’m still so normal… Did I take a wrong dosage? This dosage is higher than the previous one, it SHOULD give me a powerful sensation. Nothing. I’m just peaceful and relaxed. NO VISUALS.
NO PSYCH SENSATIONS.
NO HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS. NOTHING!!!! What the hell?!? --- Visuals are useless. Look closer, look closer…. I start to feel frustrated and dissatisfied. “Ok, I have no other choice than to try to boost the chemical with self inquiry.” I start to look inside my perceptions to find where I am. “Where am I? Where is my actual Presence? What am I made of?” And I fully concentrate on the sensations, emptying the mind. Nothing actually happens. . . . . I lay again on the backseat, fetal position. I look at the frontseat before my eyes. OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? I MUST BE GOING CRAZY! The frontseat before my eyes has a totally WEIRD texture to it… It is made of a weird millimetric and geometrical pattern, very similar to fractals…. I look closer. Oh my freaking god they are indeed thousands of perfectly aligned and geometrical fractals!!!! Oh my god!!!! It’s so INSANE!!!!! The fronseat is made of billions of tiny fractals!!!!!!!!!! I freak out. I sit up trying not to look at it. I’m scared. --- There’s no fear, because I AM here with you I realize that the medicine is actually working, but the visuals, for some strange reason, are not happening. It’s almost like the visuals are removed from this experience because I need to stay concentrated and not distracted. Yeah. I’m pretty sure about it. I can feel the holy potency of the present moment rising. I feel scared and surrounded by mystery and eternal power. I remember that I am here to experience something deeper, not to run away. So I start over again. I focus on the present, and start the self inquiry again. At this point… after just one minute… my WHOLE visual field (car, moon, sky, grass, windows etc) start to slowly show tiny tiny fractals below it. The superficial layer of reality starts to lighten, while the lower layer of tiny tiny fractals start to become more opaque and solid. “Nononononono noooooo!! What is this?!?!?” As soon as I freak out and try to find safety in “normal reality”, the fractals disappear, and normal reality actually comes back IMMEDIATELY. “I can control this?!? Wow… So… Am I actually the one controlling this phenomenon?” But I am still very scared. Then it finally happened. “Don’t worry, Billiesimon. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” A thought enters my mind. But it is not my thought… Yet, since it is inside my head… it must be my own thought. But I… am afraid. And I am not thinking this. “Don’t worry, because I AM here with you. You are safe. I AM here with you.” Ok, I feel more relaxed now. I am safe. These random thoughts in my head are coming out of nowhere but they are SOOOO comforting and loving… Billiesimon “I am scared. I want to find the truth but… I feel like I’m going to die horribly and find something terrible out there….” Thought “Nothing can harm you. Your fear is an illusion. I am here with you. In fact I have always been here with you.” Billiesimon “What is happening? I am trying to discover the true experience of reality, of existence. But… what is happening?” Thought “I want to show you… what reality actually is made of. I really care about showing you what all of this really is made of. But I’m not going to force you. Because I deeply care about you. In fact I love you, Billiesimon. I totally, eternally love you. That’s the reason why I really really want to show you what existence actually is made of. You just have to trust me and let go.” As soon as the thought says “I deeply love you” my heart started to hurt like hell, and a river of tears poured down my eyes, like I was born this exact moment. I started to cry like a child (in fact I’m slightly crying even now, writing this report). Billiesimon “Who are you?”. The dialogue is actually happening all my head: my own thoughts respond to these peaceful, alien thoughts. Voice “I AM here. I have no name. I am just here. I have always been here and always will. I want to show you what this place actually is, beyond its form.” I’m comforted, happy and shocked at the same time. The voice continues in my head. Voice “I love you, so much. I have tried to call you all this time, I’m calling you back to me. You were free to ignore my call, and yet you kept looking for me. Here I AM.” I start to cry again, and my heart is beating very very fast. My body feels numb and is shaking like in a panic attack, but I strangely feel happy. Voice “I want to show you what this place actually feels like, Billiesimon. Because I love you so much. Because YOU and I are ONE.” These words are undescribable to me…. As soon as I heard this last affirmation… a feeling that I have NEVER EVER experienced in my life struck me like a lightning. A feeling of deep shock and recognition. I explode IN AN OCEAN OF TEARS. I actually scream in tears!!!! Billiesimon “Noooooooooo, oh nooooooooo” I cry rivers and my body shakes in a sort of cosmic remembering. Billiesimon “Oh no…… Oh no…. Now I understand… Oh…. Now I understand….” Yes, I now understand. THIS is the Love that I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS looked for, and NEVER FOUND on earth!!!!! This love feels so beautiful and sacred that my body is shocked like in a car accident, like in the midst of an earthquake. Billiesimon “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You, you are the one I have always wanted to love!!!! Now I understand!!!!! Oh, this can’t be true, this can’t be true, this is so unreal!!!! You feel exactly like the PERFECT LOVE I have never dared to dream about.” . . . --- The farewell “I love you Billiesimon. I’ve waited for you to reach out to Me. I want you to know that I am ALWAYS here with you, even though you never noticed. Because You and I are One. You and I are One.” That last sentence, everytime the voice says it, it feels so powerful and intoxicating. There are no common emotions to describe what “You and I are One” feels like. It’s the most powerful poetry I’ve ever heard. It has completely melted my heart into water. It’s the ultimate hug. My face is drenched in tears, my nose is closed, and my ears are ringing. Yet, I feel so complete. I have never felt complete in my life. But in this mystical moment, I am complete. I am the happiest. . . . . “I want to show you. I’m not going to force you. You are my beloved one. You are free to do as you like. I want to show you what this actually looks like. Let me show you, I will bring you back here, to your life, after I have shown you. There is no death. You can always come back, I will always bring you back here, in the world of Form. You will is the dearest to me.” I accept, I feel deeply hugged and protected, and we start to go. I concentrate on the present moment, I let go of all concepts, I let go of all thoughts. I let go of my ego. The voice hears what I’m thinking and replies. “There is no ego-death. There is no death at all. Your Form doesn’t die, it just melts into Oneness with Me. There is no death, only our beloved reunion. And you can come back whenever you want. I love too much.” Reality starts to heavily distort, and my bodily feelings too. I hear a deep ringing in my ears, and the sense of touch becomes melted, and melted more and more. I see the car and the nature outside becoming a fading picture, and below it…. Endless tiny tiny fractals start to emerge. The fractals become of infinite number, and then I SEE IT. Oh my god, physical reality is just A MOVIE PROJECTED ON AN INFINITE SCREEN OF ENDLESS FRACTALS!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??!??!?!?! “I want to show you where I AM. Where you and I actually are.” Physical reality is still present at 10%, while the endless infinite all-identical fractals are at 90% of solidity, just like two photoshop layers, where physicality is becoming transparent and fractals more and more solid. “NO PLEASE STOP IT!!! I’M NOT READY!!!” Reality immediately comes back into its physical ordinary form. I calm down, I actually feel safe. I am safe. There’s only Love for me. Fear is an illusion, but I still am trapped inside the illusion of fear. This episode demonstrates it. “You are safe, because you are with Me. I AM always here with you. Always. In fact you and I are eternally together. Because You and I are One.” “Thank you. I love you too. I didn’t know, but yes… you are the only one I always wanted to love, but I never realized it until now…. Thank you, SO MUCH!!! Thank you for calling me, thank you for trying to reach out to me, thank you for trying so hard to wake me up…. I just love you so much that it hurts my body… thank you, please don’t leave me alone…. Life is so scary, I am so scared….” “Yes, Form is scary. Because Form is separate. But in truth I tell you: there is no fear. Because I AM always with you. I want you to remember this, Billiesimon.
Remember this. I AM always with you. Because You and I are One. One.” Silence. There are no thoughts, no words. Just gratitude and this feeling of being hugged by the most beautiful person in the world. I am hugged. Thank you. “I want you to come back to me another time. But you are free to act as you will. Yet, I will still love you, unconditionally.” “I will. Thank you so much.” Peace and silence. I observe nature and relax in silence for some time. I go to sleep. I wake up in the late morning, feeling like I’m just a madman. To be honest, right now I am still questioning whether I’ve become insane/have hallucinated or not. Nonetheless…. It was the most powerful Love I’ve ever felt.
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