4-HO-MET TRIP REPORT – First glimpse of awakening?

[billiesimon]

I don’t clearly understand if this is an actual first awakening or half-awakening.
Thanks @Leo Gura for all the teachings, leading to this.

It was SO INTENSE!!!

 

Setting: my car, in the peace of the fields. Evening.

Dosage: 13 mg of 4-HO-MET plugged

Meditation: 45 mins just before the plugging

Intention: further healing, and shooting for a first awakening

 

--- REPORT ---

 

--- Deep relaxation

I relax in the backseat, and enjoy the sound of nature, as my car is immersed in the green fields. The medicine is very slow to come up this time.

It’s so peaceful, so heartwarming, so relaxing.

I can stay here forever. The night is my friend.

I enjoy this semi-sleep for about 20 mins.

 

Then I sit up again.

Wait a moment…. Why am I still normal?

 

Ok, I feel a lot more peaceful and happier, but… I’m still so normal…

Did I take a wrong dosage?

This dosage is higher than the previous one, it SHOULD give me a powerful sensation.

 

Nothing.

 

 

I’m just peaceful and relaxed.

NO VISUALS.
NO PSYCH SENSATIONS.
NO HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS.

NOTHING!!!!

What the hell?!?

 

 

--- Visuals are useless. Look closer, look closer….

 

I start to feel frustrated and dissatisfied.

“Ok, I have no other choice than to try to boost the chemical with self inquiry.”

I start to look inside my perceptions to find where I am.

“Where am I? Where is my actual Presence? What am I made of?”

And I fully concentrate on the sensations, emptying the mind.

 

 

Nothing actually happens.

.

.

.

.

 

 

I lay again on the backseat, fetal position.

I look at the frontseat before my eyes.

OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?

I MUST BE GOING CRAZY!

The frontseat before my eyes has a totally WEIRD texture to it…

It is made of a weird millimetric and geometrical pattern, very similar to fractals….

I look closer.

Oh my freaking god they are indeed thousands of perfectly aligned and geometrical fractals!!!! Oh my god!!!! It’s so INSANE!!!!! The fronseat is made of billions of tiny fractals!!!!!!!!!!

 

I freak out. I sit up trying not to look at it. I’m scared.

 

--- There’s no fear, because I AM here with you

 

I realize that the medicine is actually working, but the visuals, for some strange reason, are not happening. It’s almost like the visuals are removed from this experience because I need to stay concentrated and not distracted.

 

Yeah. I’m pretty sure about it.

 

I can feel the holy potency of the present moment rising. I feel scared and surrounded by mystery and eternal power.

 

I remember that I am here to experience something deeper, not to run away. So I start over again.

I focus on the present, and start the self inquiry again.

At this point… after just one minute… my WHOLE visual field (car, moon, sky, grass, windows etc) start to slowly show tiny tiny fractals below it.

The superficial layer of reality starts to lighten, while the lower layer of tiny tiny fractals start to become more opaque and solid.

 

“Nononononono noooooo!! What is this?!?!?”

As soon as I freak out and try to find safety in “normal reality”, the fractals disappear, and normal reality actually comes back  IMMEDIATELY.

 

“I can control this?!? Wow… So… Am I actually the one controlling this phenomenon?”

But I am still very scared.

 

Then it finally happened.

 

“Don’t worry, Billiesimon. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

A thought enters my mind. But it is not my thought… Yet, since it is inside my head… it must be my own thought. But I… am afraid. And I am not thinking this.

“Don’t worry, because I AM here with you. You are safe. I AM here with you.”

Ok, I feel more relaxed now. I am safe. These random thoughts in my head are coming out of nowhere but they are SOOOO comforting and loving…

 

Billiesimon “I am scared. I want to find the truth but… I feel like I’m going to die horribly and find something terrible out there….”

Thought “Nothing can harm you. Your fear is an illusion. I am here with you. In fact I have always been here with you.”

Billiesimon “What is happening? I am trying to discover the true experience of reality, of existence. But… what is happening?”

Thought “I want to show you… what reality actually is made of. I really care about showing you what all of this really is made of. But I’m not going to force you. Because I deeply care about you. In fact I love you, Billiesimon. I totally, eternally love you. That’s the reason why I really really want to show you what existence actually is made of. You just have to trust me and let go.”

As soon as the thought says “I deeply love you” my heart started to hurt like hell, and a river of tears poured down my eyes, like I was born this exact moment.

I started to cry like a child (in fact I’m slightly crying even now, writing this report).

 

Billiesimon “Who are you?”.

The dialogue is actually happening all my head: my own thoughts respond to these peaceful, alien thoughts.

Voice “I AM here. I have no name. I am just here. I have always been here and always will. I want to show you what this place actually is, beyond its form.”

I’m comforted, happy and shocked at the same time. The voice continues in my head.

Voice “I love you, so much. I have tried to call you all this time, I’m calling you back to me. You were free to ignore my call, and yet you kept looking for me. Here I AM.”

I start to cry again, and my heart is beating very very fast. My body feels numb and is shaking like in a panic attack, but I strangely feel happy.

 

Voice “I want to show you what this place actually feels like, Billiesimon. Because I love you so much.

Because YOU and I are ONE.”

 

These words are undescribable to me….

As soon as I heard this last affirmation… a feeling that I have NEVER EVER experienced in my life struck me like a lightning.

A feeling of deep shock and recognition.

I explode IN AN OCEAN OF TEARS. I actually scream in tears!!!!

Billiesimon “Noooooooooo, oh nooooooooo” I cry rivers and my body shakes in a sort of cosmic remembering.

Billiesimon “Oh no…… Oh no…. Now I understand… Oh…. Now I understand….”

 

Yes, I now understand.

THIS is the Love that I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS looked for, and NEVER FOUND on earth!!!!!

 

This love feels so beautiful and sacred that my body is shocked like in a car accident, like in the midst of an earthquake.

 

Billiesimon “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You, you are the one I have always wanted to love!!!! Now I understand!!!!! Oh, this can’t be true, this can’t be true, this is so unreal!!!! You feel exactly like the PERFECT LOVE I have never dared to dream about.”

.

.

.

--- The farewell

“I love you Billiesimon. I’ve waited for you to reach out to Me. I want you to know that I am ALWAYS here with you, even though you never noticed. Because You and I are One. You and I are One.”

 

That last sentence, everytime the voice says it, it feels so powerful and intoxicating.

There are no common emotions to describe what “You and I are One” feels like.

It’s the most powerful poetry I’ve ever heard. It has completely melted my heart into water. It’s the ultimate hug.

 

My face is drenched in tears, my nose is closed, and my ears are ringing.

 

Yet, I feel so complete.

 

I have never felt complete in my life.

But in this mystical moment, I am complete.

I am the happiest.

.

.

.

.

“I want to show you. I’m not going to force you. You are my beloved one. You are free to do as you like. I want to show you what this actually looks like. Let me show you, I will bring you back here, to your life, after I have shown you. There is no death. You can always come back, I will always bring you back here, in the world of Form. You will is the dearest to me.”

 

I accept, I feel deeply hugged and protected, and we start to go.

 

I concentrate on the present moment, I let go of all concepts, I let go of all thoughts. I let go of my ego.

 

The voice hears what I’m thinking and replies.

“There is no ego-death. There is no death at all. Your Form doesn’t die, it just melts into Oneness with Me. There is no death, only our beloved reunion. And you can come back whenever you want. I love too much.”

 

Reality starts to heavily distort, and my bodily feelings too.

I hear a deep ringing in my ears, and the sense of touch becomes melted, and melted more and more.

 

I see the car and the nature outside becoming a fading picture, and below it…. Endless tiny tiny fractals start to emerge.

The fractals become of infinite number, and then I SEE IT.

Oh my god, physical reality is just A MOVIE PROJECTED ON AN INFINITE SCREEN OF ENDLESS FRACTALS!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??!??!?!?!

“I want to show you where I AM. Where you and I actually are.”

 

Physical reality is still present at 10%, while the endless infinite all-identical fractals are at 90% of solidity, just like two photoshop layers, where physicality is becoming transparent and fractals more and more solid.

 

“NO PLEASE STOP IT!!! I’M NOT READY!!!”

Reality immediately comes back into its physical ordinary form.

 

I calm down, I actually feel safe.

I am safe. There’s only Love for me. Fear is an illusion, but I still am trapped inside the illusion of fear. This episode demonstrates it.

 

“You are safe, because you are with Me. I AM always here with you. Always. In fact you and I are eternally together. Because You and I are One.”

 

“Thank you. I love you too. I didn’t know, but yes… you are the only one I always wanted to love, but I never realized it until now…. Thank you, SO MUCH!!! Thank you for calling me, thank you for trying to reach out to me, thank you for trying so hard to wake me up…. I just love you so much that it hurts my body… thank you, please don’t leave me alone…. Life is so scary, I am so scared….”

“Yes, Form is scary. Because Form is separate. But in truth I tell you: there is no fear. Because I AM always with you. I want you to remember this, Billiesimon.
Remember this.

I AM always with you.

Because You and I are One.

One.”

 

Silence. There are no thoughts, no words. Just gratitude and this feeling of being hugged by the most beautiful person in the world.

 

I am hugged.

Thank you.

 

“I want you to come back to me another time. But you are free to act as you will. Yet, I will still love you, unconditionally.”

“I will. Thank you so much.”

 

 

 

Peace and silence. I observe nature and relax in silence for some time.

 

I go to sleep. I wake up in the late morning, feeling like I’m just a madman.

To be honest, right now I am still questioning whether I’ve become insane/have hallucinated or not.

Nonetheless…. It was the most powerful Love I’ve ever felt.

Edited May 13, 2020 by billiesimon

[Leo Gura]

@billiesimon Good, you got it.

And there's deeper

[Loving Radiance]

@billiesimon I have to stop reading all these FUCKING BEAUTIFUL trip reports. I cry and cry. I love you so much and yet somehow love less that you love me.

 

Excellent writing my friend. The spacing and formatting is like a masterpiece. No... it IS.

Edited May 11, 2020 by Loving Radiance

[billiesimon]

22 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@billiesimon Good, you got it.

And there's deeper

Thanks  it was both the happiest moment of my life and the freakiest.

But why can't I identify yet with being Consciousness? I've noticed that it has manifested as a "third person", talking to me, hugging me emotionally etc.

Is there a reason why it does not still feel like I am the One? That Voice had to TELL me as a third person that I am one with it.

[lostmedstudent]

Thank you for the report billiesimon!

its been great reading you. 

I notice you trip frequently. What do you do to integrate your trips?

[billiesimon]

12 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

@billiesimon I have to stop reading all these FUCKING BEAUTIFUL trip reports. I cry and cry. I love you so much and yet somehow love less that you love me.

 

Excellent writing my friend. The spacing and formatting is like a masterpiece. No... it IS.

Thanks ?

Seems like my literature studies at the university was valuable at least for writing reports

[billiesimon]

8 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

Thank you for the report billiesimon!

its been great reading you. 

I notice you trip frequently. What do you do to integrate your trips?

Yeah, but only recently because I was obsessed with reaching a first glimpse of Consciousness.

I generally wait 4 weeks between psych trips  And I'm still somehow a newbie.

I intend to wait around 4 weeks before attempting another exploration of consciousness. Especially because this one was very intense ?

[reves]

Great trip report, thanks for sharing it! Looks like it was a very intense trip.

On 5/11/2020 at 11:14 PM, billiesimon said:

Dosage: 13 mg of 4-HO-MET plugged

I have made some trips with 4-HO-MET but all orally, and by far not so intense.

Have you tried orally? Can tell the difference? Is it much more intense plugged?

Thanks!

[Leo Gura]

9 minutes ago, reves said:

Great trip report, thanks for sharing it! Looks like it was a very intense trip.

I have made some trips with 4-HO-MET but all orally, and by far not so intense.

Have you tried orally? Can tell the difference? Is it much more intense plugged?

Thanks!

Plugging substances should be more potent than swallowing them.

Always plug if you can. It bypasses digestion and you get the purest taste of the molecule. Digestion can alter the molecule and produce a derivative trip. Plugging vs oral can have qualitative differences.

[reves]

4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Plugging substances should be more potent than swallowing them.

Always plug if you can. It bypasses digestion and you get the purest taste of the molecule. Digestion can alter the molecule and produce a derivative trip.

I will try this, I though that because this substance is orally active, it will make no sense to plug it. But I see I was just making assumptions, thanks a lot!

[Leo Gura]

12 minutes ago, reves said:

I will try this, I though that because this substance is orally active, it will make no sense to plug it. But I see I was just making assumptions, thanks a lot!

You got it backwards. It makes no sense to take a thing orally if you can plug it.

Make plugging your primary method, with all others secondary, to be used only if plugging doesn't work for some reason.

The only things I wouldn't plug are N,N-DMT, salvia, mushrooms, and LSD. If it comes in a powder, plug it.

And I have tried plugged N,N-DMT and even salvia. Unfortunately they don't work that way.

[billiesimon]

44 minutes ago, reves said:

Great trip report, thanks for sharing it! Looks like it was a very intense trip.

I have made some trips with 4-HO-MET but all orally, and by far not so intense.

Have you tried orally? Can tell the difference? Is it much more intense plugged?

Thanks!

Yeah, 4-HO-MET works great with plugging. 

It is slow to come up though. It's around 20-30 mins of slow come-up. On empty stomach.

But it shows great introspective power, even though it is a "party drug".

Edited May 13, 2020 by billiesimon

[Leo Gura]

5 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

even though it is a "party drug"

This notion needs to be killed.

No such thing.

All the "party drug" psychedelics can be used for deep introspection. It's just that fools who party don't even consider such things.

[Loving Radiance]

@Leo Gura Even cocaine?

[Leo Gura]

2 minutes ago, Loving Radiance said:

@Leo Gura Even cocaine?

 

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

All the "party drug" psychedelics can be used for deep introspection. It's just that fools who party don't even consider such things.

 

[montecristo]

33 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

If it comes in a powder, plug it.

If my mushrooms are powdered, could i theoretically plug them? I'll do the experiment unless someone knows right away that it wouldnt work for some enzymatic digestive necessity higher in the gut

[billiesimon]

17 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

 

All the "party drug" psychedelics can be used for deep introspection. It's just that fools who party don't even consider such things.

Totally agree. 

The interesting fact is that on reddit all the reports about 4-ho-met are about having fun and getting wasted

 

[billiesimon]

To be honest, now it's been 4 days since the intense experience.

And I seem to get worse and worse in mood. I thought the experience was going to make me happier in "normal" life, but I am feeling more and more depressed... what the hell?

I have a growing lack of motivation and lack of passion for my life since then.

[Loving Radiance]

Are these thoughts you can let go of? @billiesimon

Edited May 13, 2020 by Loving Radiance

[billiesimon]

3 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

Are these thoughts you can let go of? @billiesimon

I don't know. I've tried to meditate and clear the mind. It clears up, but the heavy bodyload of depression remains in the body.

I feel like I'm insane.

I have moments where I'm depressed and moments (like right now) where I listen to emotional songs and I'm happy like a child.

I've never experienced anything like this, I feel like I have become broken.