Not having a clue what to say

[BjarkeT]

Hey. So I recently moved to a new place where I am living with other people but I find it difficult to come up with something to say to them. Most of the time my mind is just blank I guess because I don't know them very well. Very rarely do I feel like I can come up with something to say. Does anyone have any tips on how to solve this problem so it becomes easy to have good conversations?  

A tip I used before was just to say whatever came to my mind but that's difficult to do since my mind is just blank.

[assx95]

There's fear within you. And there is a need to say something to someone. Be free. And things would happen. Perhaps the way you want them to be. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

Yeah, it doesn't mean, that you are the one, who should always open conversation first. You don't need to prove anything to anybody, it's counterintuitive, but it's out of fear of staying alone. Just be free, be yourself, try to be funny or small talk them or don't. Just be yourself, like they would not exist (not in an arrogant way). 

Edited May 9, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[BjarkeT]

Thanks for the answers so far. What is meant by being free? Does it just mean not to worry?

[Javfly33]

5 hours ago, assx95 said:

There's fear within you. And there is a need to say something to someone. Be free. And things would happen. Perhaps the way you want them to be. 

That´s a hell of a good first message.

 

[Espaim]

I would make a bet here and think that you already know what to say and how to say it. The fear is holding you down.

[BjarkeT]

@Espaim There is no fear my mind is just blank. I can say something to them if they start the conversation but I find it hard to be the one who start the conversation. At least I haven’t notice the fear maybe I should try to see if it’s there next time.@Cykaaaa We live in the same building.

[universe]

I find it hard to believe that there is nothing on your mind. Most of the time we have some sorts of filters in place that prevent us from coming up with something. If we dont have these blocks or filters, conversations flows naturally. As you are in a state where you dont need anything (e.g. that they like you).

When your mind is really blank, try to find something interesting about them. Expand your love towards them. This will make it more likely that you want to connect or have a fun conversation.

[Espaim]

@universe took the words out of my keyboard (mouth). That's it.

[Espaim]

Just an addition. When I repressed my sexuality I believed 100% I didn't want to have sex or masturbate. Not kidding when saying 100%. When I had crippling social anxiety I believed 100% socializing was a burden and not necessary whatsoever. When I was depressed and suicidal I 100% believed that life isn't worth living.

Maybe 

14 hours ago, BjarkeT said:

There is no fear

is you trying to not admit to yourself that you feel fear.

I don't know you. You don't need to tell me what you feel. But don't lie to yourself.

Really, is there no fear?

Edited May 10, 2020 by Espaim

[BjarkeT]

@Espaim As I said before: At least I haven't noticed it so maybe I should try to be aware of it next time.(please keep this in mind)

But my mind is really just blank like similar to a situation if you were to write a letter and didn't know what to write there doesn't need to be a fear for that.

But I feel like you shouldn't try to push the idea that I need to have fear if I don't have it. 

[Espaim]

Okay. Maybe I went overboard here. I'm trying to be more honest overall and shit like that may happen. Let me be more clear:

I was pointing out to the possibility of you repressing some of your feelings. Not admitting them. I'm not saying that you are necessarily having fear. But repressing emotions can get you to have that "blank mind", in my experience. It could be fear, shame, guilt, anger or god knows what. Maybe it's just not wanting to talk. That also happens.

1 hour ago, BjarkeT said:

I should try to be aware of it next time.(please keep this in mind)

Nice. I'm curious to see your report!! 

Edited May 10, 2020 by Espaim

[BjarkeT]

@Espaim Good insight but I don't think I am repressing emotions. I was with them again today and tried to be more aware. I am not sure if it's fear but maybe it's more related to doubt? 

I think it's good that you are trying to be more honest that's a path I am trying to follow as well. Honesty with everybody. 

[StarStruck]

The question “what do I say?” Is the problem. Just say what you want to say. I advice you practice authenticity. Get out of your head and feel into your body. 

[Valach]

On 5/10/2020 at 2:34 AM, universe said:

I find it hard to believe that there is nothing on your mind. Most of the time we have some sorts of filters in place that prevent us from coming up with something. If we dont have these blocks or filters, conversations flows naturally. As you are in a state where you dont need anything (e.g. that they like you).

When your mind is really blank, try to find something interesting about them. Expand your love towards them. This will make it more likely that you want to connect or have a fun conversation.

Hi,

I do agree with you. Could you give us some tips how to get rid of such blocks or filters?

 

Thanks in advance.

[universe]

The underlying fear is oftentimes that what we want to say wont live up to the standards of the other person (validation), to our own standards (perfectionism) or that we could be attacked for what we say (risk our safety).

We then show these symptoms:

validation = being needy

perfectionism = need for control

safety = being inhibited/shy

 

Becoming aware of this can be strong on his own.

 

If you want to do more. Realize that you can never get control, protection or validation. The world doesnt owe it to you. And you dont need it.

Whatever applies to you, feel the fear as much as possible. Sit somewhere quite and for example if you are needy, imagine a situation where someone is really dismissive towards you. Someone you want to like you who is now going to tell you to fuck off and calling you names, makes fun of you or just gives you a cold shoulder. Whatever elicits the strongest feeling inside you.

Feel where it is in your body. Then accept that feeling fully. Welcome the feeling. Let it grow even more for a few minutes. Until you feel ready to let that feeling go, if you want to. See how you are feeling then. Repeat.

This is also called the Sedona Method, its really effective for releasing emotions.

[Oliver Saavedra]

Jump into doing what frightens you, I know its emotionally difficult, its easier to go to your cave, to not say a thing. Say say say, what you think its important, what you like to talk about, make the conversation about you, fuck 'em, own the dialogue, be yourself, own your throat, own your words, say dumb stuff, have fun talking whatever you like talking about. 

I feel I'm saying this to myself haha I have a hard time talking too (specially with family). I find myself self-censoring, not being authentic, afraid of being myself, believing "nobody wants to hear me" but its just a limiting belief, you don't need nobody to say whatever you want, are you afraid they won't understand you? or they will disagree or mock? there's always 50% chance they will, so its irrelevant, they'll hear what they hear. The challenge here its not about them, its all about you. If you said it, whatever you said, you won already, keep practicing being yourself. Be You. 

[ivory]

The easiest way to know what to say is to find like minded people. Figure out what matters to you and find people with the same values.

[Aquarius]

Maybe you just don't have anything to talk about? I see you want to connect to those people, but if there is nothing to say, why force it?

I'd talk about common interests. Like music or movies. 

But for me my interests are different than music or movies. So it's up to you.