Dealing With A Breakup

[LfcCharlie4]

Hey guys, 

Currently going through my first break up, and even though it was for the best (we want different things) it is incredibly fucking hard. 
 

We had broken up before, around this time last year, but that was due to actual issues in the relationship, and as a typical Enneagram 7 my response to dealing with it was to escape and Ignore instead of go into my feelings and fully feel them as they arise, no matter the intensity. 
 

This time, it is due to being at slightly different places in life, and it feels like it’s for good. 
 

So, I was wondering from people who have been through this what is the “best” ways to deal with this. 
 

My intuition is telling me the best way is to simply face all feelings that arise head on and cry as much as I need to, reminisce as much as I need to, and simply feel my emotions fully as I did not do last time. 
 

As a zen master once said- “When you are happy, be completely happy, and when you are sad, be completely sad.” 
 

It’s very easy to do when the baseline becomes happiness, now is the real test. 
 

Thanks for any advice guys, and, if there was ever a reminder that life can still hit you hard post awakening, and that you still are a human with emotions and feelings, this is it. And, right now (and for a while I imagine) I will he faced with bouts of sadness and crying, but that is natural, much more natural than trying to deny the feelings as I did before. The crying is still beautiful, and the crying is still the absolute, we are not simply robots post awakening, but if anything feel deeper, and right now I can say the feelings are certainly more intense than ever. 

This is it, always. 

Enjoy your weekend everyone. 

[Preety_India]

 

I can feel you. 

It gets better. Sorry to hear about the breakup 

I hope you give yourself enough healing time. Cry as much as you can because the release helps a lot. 

Wish you the best. ❤️

 

[LfcCharlie4]

@Preety_India Thank you so much, and yes it’s just extra tough in the beginning haha, all the best memories come flooding back! 
 

And, yes crying has been very therapeutic so far, thank you. 

[electroBeam]

I went through it earlier this year (along with other things at the same time like loosing my full time job and getting kicked out of the house by my parents) and the remedy was a skype session with Nahm, and he introduced me to his feeling sprinkler theory and I've never been happy.

Gosh that gets me off the hook of writing something elaborate or wise  

[Preety_India]

 

 

6 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

I went through it earlier this year (along with other things at the same time like loosing my full time job and getting kicked out of the house by my parents) and the remedy was a skype session with Nahm, and he introduced me to his feeling sprinkler theory and I've never been happy.

Gosh that gets me off the hook of writing something elaborate or wise  

 

So what's this "feeling sprinkler theory"?   Can you elaborate so that others here can also benefit from knowing? 

... Or it's some top secret you don't wanna share.

 

 

 

Edited May 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[electroBeam]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

 

So what's this "feeling sprinkler theory"?   Can you elaborate so that others here can also benefit from knowing? 

... Or it's some top secret you don't wanna share.

My take is, our culture has indoctrinated us with the idea that rationality is superior to feeling, because feeling has cognitive biases. The theory says to reverse that.

All thoughts steam from a feeling. The thoughts are the leaves and the feeling is the stem.

Thoughts tell you something is wrong, and so we try and fix that, but actually what the thoughts say is wrong is not actually what's wrong. That's a cover story. The real thing that's wrong is hidden under the thought in feeling. And that problem is totally different, so different that it makes you laugh you actually believed what the thought told you instead of the feeling. And all world problems, stem from feeling, not thought. People are dying in ethiopia because of something happening within you.

And this was great for my breakup, loss of job, and destruction of family relations... Because all suffering was not coming from those things when looking at feeling. And that was a huge insight that help get over these apparent problems.

<< I'm now officially a pirate because I just stole Phil's IP >>

To be honest, its stuff Leo has been hinting about for years, but for some reason Nahm telling it to me gave me a radical shift. Maybe its his presence that gave it. Maybe its being in the presence of his Leo looking face. Something about these Leo looking faces that have this ability to make you a buddha by just staring at them. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by electroBeam

[Preety_India]

 

 

35 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

My take is, our culture has indoctrinated us with the idea that rationality is superior to feeling, because feeling has cognitive biases. The theory says to reverse that.

All thoughts steam from a feeling. The thoughts are the leaves and the feeling is the stem.

Thoughts tell you something is wrong, and so we try and fix that, but actually what the thoughts say is wrong is not actually what's wrong. That's a cover story. The real thing that's wrong is hidden under the thought in feeling. And that problem is totally different, so different that it makes you laugh you actually believed what the thought told you instead of the feeling. And all world problems, stem from feeling, not thought. People are dying in ethiopia because of something happening within you.

And this was great for my breakup, loss of job, and destruction of family relations... Because all suffering was not coming from those things when looking at feeling. And that was a huge insight that help get over these apparent problems.

<< I'm now officially a pirate because I just stole Phil's IP >>

To be honest, its stuff Leo has been hinting about for years, but for some reason Nahm telling it to me gave me a radical shift. Maybe its his presence that gave it. Maybe its being in the presence of his Leo looking face. Something about these Leo looking faces that have this ability to make you a buddha by just staring at them. 

Agree. That was great. Thanks for sharing. 

 

[LfcCharlie4]

@Meta-Man Yep I think that’s it, and the only way through is to truly feel with no resistance whatsoever. 
 

the no laptop part is key!  

@electroBeam That was awesome man, thank you. Feeling always holds the truth as you say. 
 

@Nahm Hope you don’t have to file @electroBeam for any copyright violations  

[electroBeam]

Just now, LfcCharlie4 said:

@electroBeam for any copyright violations  

I think he does, I signed an NDA to make sure i dont steal his stuff.

I'm joking in case I get in trouble for not mentioning that.

[Nahm]

@LfcCharlie4

It is when we are most lost, that a most profound finding is on it’s way. God clears out space in such mysterious ways. Going to sit now for twenty minutes or so, holding the intention of love & healing on your behalf. Receive if in the mood for it, otherwise know it is in your vibrational credit. ?Much love here for you. ?

[LfcCharlie4]

@Meta-Man  Yep, most of today has been spent crying, but also thinking what went wrong and I had a big realisation. 
 

I had never given enough attention and love to the relationship, to allow It to blossom. The issues started around 18 months ago when she went to University, and I started getting distant (dark night of the soul days& low level of depression) and it created issues, but even the last 12 months I have not been truly vulenerable or emotionally expressive, honestly, I’ve been so focused on business recently, before that it was spirituality and seeking, and then there’s friends and crickst, I don’t blame her for wanting to break up with me, I probably would’ve in that situation. I realised to truly make a relationship blossom it needs love and attention, and it needs to be a priority, forever. I guess I am only 20, so have plenty of time to figure it out, but it’s made it clear when I do get in my next relationship I will actyally give it the attention and love it truly desires and needs, it has allowed me to self reflect a lot in just 1 day in my recent actions and way I’ve been living. 
 

As they say, if you aren’t growing you are dying. 
 

And, love is always the answer. 
 

@Nahm Yes, it has been coming, it has made me realise I need to open even deeper into life in ALL my relationships in life, this will transform my life I feel. 
 

And, thank you I really appreciate that, love always Nahm <3 

[Nahm]

@LfcCharlie4 ♥️

[Ananta]

@LfcCharlie4 Awe, sorry to hear about the break-up. Yes, feel your feelings fully and don't push them away.?

You might want to give my thread a listen while you cry ? -

((Hugs))❤

[Raptorsin7]

@LfcCharlie4  What role did attraction play in the break up? I've been thinking about this topic recently, and i'm worried that when I get into a relationship I won't find my gf attractive anymore, or i'll find other woman more attractive.

Was this an issue in your relationship, or was the breakup unrelated to how much you guys were attracted to each other?

[ThermalTide]

Yo man! We're in the same boat, so I really feel you. I think it's really helpful to apply self-love in large amounts during times like these, so be mindful of any intense negative feelings. Let yourself feel them, but don't let them consume you and keep you in bed til noon. Maintain a morning routine to remind yourself everyday that you are taking care of just you right now. Eat clean, go outside, listen to awesome music, and spend plenty of quality time with yourself doing what you love. Reach out to homies, they're your friends for a reason and friend support is a huge help when healing from heartbreak. 

Good luck to you!

[liamnewsom202]

Man i went through the ringer just last month with my first break up. It was for similar reasons too. I wish you all the best and unlimited love. I find that the best thing for me was to for sure feel everything that there is to be felt but also be careful about never ending thought patterns. I got tons of feelings of shame and self hatred and blaming myself when in reality relationships are messy things especially firsts. Mirror work helps alot. If you can go up to a mirror and recognize that there will be tons more people and tons more places to go and things to do that did wonders for me. Its just hard to always be in a clear mental like that and see truth. 

[LfcCharlie4]

@Meta-Man good way to flip that metaphor tbf  

@Anna1 Thank you, I will do next time it rises up, and yes, feeling fully and in the moment is exactly what I’m doing- thank you!  

@ThermalTide Yeah man I’ve already had some chats with friends, I’m lucky to have a few older friends from my work, and he’s been awesome as has a lot more life experience and perspective! 

Self-Care is key, going to keep up the morning routine for sure, Wim Hof will help me through it  after it all, his method all started after his wife’s death, and came from heartbreak! 
 

@liamnewsom202 Yeah, it’s key finding that balance between feeling the feelings and then getting stuck in a negative loop of Netflix and ice cream all day, luckily I’m quite disciplined in that regard, so am managing to stay on track with Diet and what not so far. 
 

But, yeah it is tough like you say. And, you’re right, realising it can be a good thing and allow you to meet new people, it’s just very hard to adjust after to talking to someone most of every day, then to absolutely nothing, almost like a mini death. 

[LfcCharlie4]

@Raptorsin7 Unrelated, basically the relationship had become too one sided and she was putting in more of the effort and commitment, and basically got sick of it, which is completely fair enough, I just wish I realised how much I was distancing myself sooner, I essentially tried to make the relationship a part of my life, instead of realising it is your life, and your partner should feel like that, I got very carried away in firstly seeking several years ago, which she wasn’t too interested in, although she would meditate with me and recently attended Satsang with me, and then the last year, Business even more so, I just didn’t give the relationship the attention it deserved, I kinda felt the person I was being didn’t deserve to be in the relationship anymore, she deserves much better, especially as She is a very relationship orientated person. 
 

The issue stems from the “honeymoon” phase 2 years ago which was honestly (aside from awakening) the best 6 months of my life, I can’t see why people get hooked on that new love haha. At tht time I was very focused on the relationship as it was new, and we was both in school so had similar schedules and lifestyles, and my business was very very new at that point. The issues began arising when she went to Uni, and we were basically on different “wavelengths” as I was working a lot, and she had a lot of free time at Uni, but I’ll stop rambling haha, what is done is done, and I’m sure it’s for the best, and wish her nothing but happiness  it will be the hardest thing ever seeing her when she gets a new boyfriend though, honestly. 
 

In regards to attraction, basically just quit porn, research and implement a fair amount of sex advice and become good in bed and you should be good, as long as the initial attraction is strong, if you keep a women satisfied the attraction shouldn’t drop too much, and if you stay away from porn and focused on your own sexuality. At least that’s what I’ve noticed. And, be open with what you both like and are into, it helps a lot. 

[Raptorsin7]

@LfcCharlie4  Thanks for the insight man.

I'm worried about me losing attraction to her tbh. That's my biggest concern with the girl i'm talking to at the moment. She's great and I really like her so far, but what if in the future I meet someone else and i'm more attracted to this other person.

Is it possible to choose my own partner as the most attractive person in the world? Ideally everyone we are with would be the person we want most, but I have a nagging feeling that at some point in the relationship I might try to trade up, it's part of a shadow side of me that wants to be the best at everything. So i'm worried that means finding someone who has all the good qualities of my current partner, plus x, y, or z. But that game will never end because I can do that with every person I date too lol.

[electroBeam]

5 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@LfcCharlie4  Thanks for the insight man.

what if in the future I meet someone else and i'm more attracted to this other person.

That's what most guys are like. All guys are the same

You date other people casually till ya satisified, have short casual relationships or just have one night stands.

Or you have a horrible break up 3 years down the line. Which is what will probably happen anyway.