Road Less Traveled Personal Journey

[StarStruck]

It is one of my favourite books thus I used it in the name of my journal. I think it is better than a generic name.

I will be posting my acquired resources here instead of posting it in the subforum. I think it is better if it is in one place rather than all over the place. 

Things I have in place:

• my private journal and common book
• meditation: 5 minutes meditation after waking up, 30-60 minutes  during the day
• Contemplation/self inquiry every two days for two hours
• I make a podcast for personal use every week
• Psychedelics every two weeks (on average)
• I went to the gym every 2 days

Life goal:

• Being specialized IT consultancy, no focus on a specific field within that sector for now
• daily/weekly/monthly/yearly goals
• I want to maximize my productivity and effectiveness: it is a bottleneck for reaching my life purpose so I first need to break that camel's back.
• Secondary goals are getting a girlfriend/more friends

Might post updates on personal developments in my life, sticking points and random thoughts.

My personal interests are:

• IT
• Health and fitness
• Productivity/self-help
• Enlightenment
• Travel
• Cooking
• Anthropology & history
• Metaphysics

Edited May 8, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

Book for this week is "The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done"

https://www.amazon.com/Procrastination-Equation-Putting-Things-Getting-ebook/dp/B003ZSHUP2

Here is a summary:

https://blog.rescuetime.com/procrastination-equation/

The whole book is about this equation:

I only read the first two chapters and it is a pretty good. It already helped me to put things into perspective and be more wholesome when dealing with procrastination.

I already made some links between the formula and how I relate to it.

• Expectancy is the likeliness of a positive outcome. No need to obsess about past mistakes or possible future failures. Doing that won't get you anything anyway. Just like with enlightenment one has to focus on the now. There is why the difference is made. I don't have an expectancy for the past of the future. I only have an expectancy for myself in the now.
• Value is linked to the desired outcome, which can be linked to my life purpose.
• Impulsiveness has to do with concentration: meditation and concentration exercises helped me with this
• Delay: This indicates how long you must wait to receive the expected rewards, benefits, payouts. The longer you have to wait, the less motivated you’ll be and the more likely you are to procrastinate. This is linked to me to the principle of gain versus pain. I must a greater taste for healthy pain. I still have a major bias for pleasure. I'm trying to get a more balanced relationship between pleasure and pain. Work = pain = success = self love. The more self love I have the harder I will work.

Video demonstrating the formula:

 

[StarStruck]

I will be doing a dopamine detox tomorrow.

Things that I will allow myself: walks, yoga, meditation, and reading.

I'm trying to work up to a hardcore dopamine detox which is in the right column.

This year I have the goal to reprogram my brain with NLP. This is the time. With every year gone, it gets harder to reprogram the brain since it becomes less plastic.

 

[StarStruck]

I love infinite waters: we all need some of that craziness in our lives.

After my detox tomorrow I decided to cut out YouTube for 1 week, with the exception of Ralf: 1 video per day.

YouTube is a huge drain on my time. Need to make some radical steps. Ain't gonna fix itself.

Also: will make full audit of my week in OneNote.

[StarStruck]

So yesterday was my dopamine detox. I read some works, got some work done and overall it was a productive day. It didn't go fully as planned though. At a certain point I felt like crack junky looking around for something for something that would give me a dopamine spike. I did watch some YouTube videos. Nonetheless, yesterday was better than my previous days.

Even the act of setting the goal to disrupting my not so productive lifestyle made my days much better. I got a lot more done. I had time to contemplate and do self inquiry.

I made some interesting insights when I connected the topics of honesty, self deception, trauma and red pill stuff. I saw how I don't really want to be happy and sabotage myself similar to my mother. I did a lot of trauma release using this technique:

I need to get more in connection with my body. During my self inquiry I noticed my objectification of certain things. It was a hard pill to swallow and to be honest with myself.

I read two books:

-The Art of Psychological Warfare: How to Skillfully Influence People  (if you know how to do it, you know how to defend yourself against psychological warfare)

-The Way of the Superior Man

[StarStruck]

I did a micro dose of 5 MeO DMT. First inhale there was some resistance. During the second inhale I fully surrendered. It was the first time I managed to do that. It was amazing. I was in this different head space and I could see everything clearly. It felt like I could fully use my brain.
 

The contrast between “that” headspace and my normal headspace is similar to an adult’s headspace and a child’s headspace. I didn’t get much time to examine things because the trip didn’t last that long but I definitely need more honesty in my life. 
 

Third inhale was something else. I totally lost who I was and I was gone.  I still knew who I was but I was definitely out of my body. It felt like a very long time. I really didn’t know what to do with it but I saw the ego was a construction. Eventually came back to the “dream world” (insider joke). 
 

This puts a different perspective on things. Experienced nothingness for the first time. It was on a low dose. For a moment I thought I was stuck there but I knew that was not true. I tried to made the best out of it but I wasn’t prepared. There was some inner conversations going on but I don’t have a recall.

Edited May 14, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

Today somebody gave me 5 euro because he thought I dropped it. I wasn’t sure but I acted like it was mine because I wasn’t sure. Later on I felt bad. 

I think it kind of exposed a part of me: it is safer to be dishonest than honest. I mean it was only small amount of money but I totally dropped my values for it. To be fair to myself in the moment I thought it could be mine. I just lied about being sure about it. I felt like I was possessed and on auto pilot. 

This kind of connects to my psychedelics trip of couple of days ago which you can read above. It was almost like the universe sent me a test and yes I failed it. 

Edited May 17, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

Corona is getting on my nerves and I feel lonely. I need female companionship but screw that shit. In the supermarket I saw some nice girls but my focus is on fixing my motivation and productivity right now. No time for distractions. 

[StarStruck]

The 5 MeO Trip of last Friday (15 may) changed me. I reached egoless consciousness  that night. I can’t recreate it but I do feel the potential of it happening it if I meditated. Since last Friday I didn’t meditate that much just out of laziness.

I have to be more serious about integration work. Nowadays just being busy trying to be productive. Laziness is just a clever way of the devil to rob your time so you don’t have time to be enlightened. I really 

This week I’m going heavy on productivity. I have a self help book list ready. Going to read two productivity self help books, do the exercises, contemplate and integrate. I’m excited and I have faith. 

[StarStruck]

Gym rat mentality is something we can learn from 

Life is just about moving from one chapter to another. It kind of reminds me of gym rats. Real gym rats (at least here) who achieve their goals don’t fuck around in the gym forever. They go in, don’t fuck around, do the work and go home. Eventually they reach a stage, reach their goals and move to the next stage; go and do another sport. People who just fuck around, don’t have purpose and motivation just half ass it, spend as much time as the gym rat in the gym and get stuck in the gym forever. And they never reach their goals whereas if they reached their goals they could go and do another sport with their spare time. Enlightenment is so similar. There are people who fuck around and there people who go balls to the wall. It is not about the time spend alone, it is also about the effectiveness and efficiency. 

My grammar sucks but fuck it. ?

Edited May 18, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

Thinking about buying a Samsung Note 10 Lite to make notes, it is also great with making sketches/mindmaps, and watching video while making notes. It has the capability to split a screen into youtube/onenote for example. Do I really need it? Dunno.

[StarStruck]

Daily walks, contemplation and shadow work

Since Corona I'm doing daily walks, usually listening or watching something, occasionally also just walking in silence. That last mentioned is doing me so good. Walking and contemplating is such a wonderful combination for me. Last two months or so I got a much clearer view of my inner landscape and it feels like the tip of the iceberg in the unconscious deep waters.

Just pushing emotions and fears away has been something I have been doing for a long time. Doing that is like putting it in the fridge. It will just stay in the fridge until you take it out and "melt it away". Iceberg analogy is so powerful. I did some methods of shadow work but I'd love to find new methods of doing it.

I'm also so lucky that I have the time to do such stuff. I can't imagine having a full time job, getting home & being tired and finding time to do such stuff. Feeling so shitty for not having a gf right now but I know having a gf wouldn't solve the problem. It would just be a surrogate for the problem, which I still don't understand fully.

Today I noticed that I don't even value my complete freedom. Settling down is basically willingly giving up some parts of your freedom for "something". I'm afraid I will never find the one and there is absolutely no reason to believe that other than my past bad experiences. At the moment I have nothing to lose. It is the perfect time of my life to go deep.

[StarStruck]

Yesterday I read the book rewired and today I'm reading the winners effect. I think two books per day is not practical. It isn't leaving me time to contemplate; gonna limit myself to 1 book per 1/2 days.

The book rewired was not that good. It was on a pop culture level. The good thing about that book was that it gave questions at the end which was good to contemplate the following topics: Honesty, evolution, compassion, Solitude, self-care, Boundaries, living your authentic self and learning to never censor that for anyone or anything.

I'm going to read must reads from now on. I don't have time to waste on such books.

Edited May 20, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

I had a wonderful walk in the forest. Did the deficiency consciousness versus being consciousness perception exercise. It changed my whole experience of taking a walk. At a certain moment I even lost sense of myself, but it was temporary. I think I finally got my first nondual experience while not being on something.

[StarStruck]

Meaninglessness 

Today I did a spirituality walk of 2 hours. A little bit through the forest and a village nearby. I tried to strip meaning from everything. It made me so nihilistic. It is so disorientating.  At least for tonight I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m just going to sit with the feeling.

I feel like a dog who stopped chasing his own tail. In the beginning I felt stupid. Now I’m feeling a kind of relief but it is so disorientating. During this time I started to see how my self agenda fucked so many things up in the past. 

I’m kind of angry at myself and I get why. I have to do some reconciliation. All what I need is in the now. I got in the being paradigm couple of times in the past view days but I flip back to the meaning paradigm. I’m so needy. Needy for gf most of all. It consumes me. 

Edited May 22, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

Melting 

Last view days I have gotten flashes of my higher self. What I could have been and can be. And all I have to do is just to be. 

My stress levels have plummeted. I still have my old ways but I feel like a part of me is melting.  The ego is a reflection of my surrounding. It is like a (dirty) mirror. 

There are some backlashes and projection of significance/meaning into things but it feels like a losing battle for my ego. 

yesterday I was so nihilistic but today I feel not bad about it. I’m seeing the difference between doing versus being. 

[StarStruck]

Subtility

Taking walks and contemplating is so fascinating. I encounter people, things, and memories. Especially walking somewhere where I got a lot of memories gave me some interesting insights. Trying to catch myself how I react to things is so useful. It approach it like studying a lab rat. Today I noticed how I resist to things. It is so subtle. Enlightenment is so subtle.

I have been looking for the magic pill and there isn´t (besides 5 MeO DMT :)) but there is a magic formula and that is just consciousness. I'm starting to connect various concepts discussed within Actualized org and outside of it. It is all pointing to the same thing. I already understood this on a conceptual level but now it is getting experiential.

Something I noticed too is the danger of low level conscious thinking, when I'm in that stage I'm just wasting mental bandwidth and not becoming wiser while it feels like I'm doing something useful. Holistic thinking combined with concentration and being unbiased is truly something else. If one has skin in the game and wants a certain outcome you can't even see many subtilities.

 

Edited May 22, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

Didn't do jack shit today.

[StarStruck]

You are god is probably the funniest and the most truthful thing you can say to somebody.

[StarStruck]

Yesterday I took a deep look into my relationship with myself.

I recognized patterns how I treat myself and how I treat others. I saw that I basically was projecting the structure of my relationships onto the world, looking for evidence to keep that paradigm alive, setting up defenses to protect that paradigm, and acting in certain ways to manifest that.

Basically the structure of our reality is created during our childhood, the content is our parents, but with time the content changes. We get to know new people and our surrounding (content) changes but the structure (our paradigm) stays more or less the same.

This is so core to my existence that it involves literally everything. If you had good parents, and thus relatively less trauma, this is not a problem for you but if you had bad parents it can really skew things up. And enlightenment is just one aspect which can be harder.

Actualizing is basically parenting yourself:

After that thread I did couple of hours of research that made a lot of things clear for me.

Edited May 27, 2020 by StarStruck