"If we don't accept every card in our hand, we can't play our best." ¹ "Holy shit."² That was among the top 3 most life-changing substance-indulced experiences I had. It is right behind my first trip ever and first huge DMT dose. First and foremost, I didn't really take 230mg in one single dose. I took 80 mg and then waited 4 hours. It didn't kick in so I tried 150mg. Also, I didn't test the MDMA but my friend took it before me so I just went with it. Yes, I know that was irresponsible. No need to lecture me. I think I probably did that because the first dose actually kicked in but in a really subtle way. So, I had less anxiety and just took it. Didn't even think. Yes, clickbaity title.   Before tripping, I was thinking about trying MDMA because I just wanted to know how it is. In the meantime, Leo's said in his video "Advice for young people" that most people had a moderate amount of trauma. So I thought, I probably have a great amount. I suffered a lot bullying, beating by colleagues in primary school and my parents weren't really emotionally present in my life during my childhood. I had a great amount of anxiety 3 years ago that was somewhat healed by now, by antidepressants, meditation and psychedelics(the most influencing factor). After reading r/mdmathreapy on Reddit I saw that MDMA can work on people with traumas way worse psychologically than what I had, so why it wouldn't work on me?? Let's try. So my intention was: emotional healing and shadow work. I read a good amount of information about set, setting and dosage. The only variable I fucked up was dosage. No problem anyway. When the MDMA kicked in, I was at my living room reading on my Kindle. Then bam. It just kicked and I felt a great deal of euphoria. My jaw started clenching and I started to tremble. After 10 minutes this passed. While shaking like a Pinscher, I looked myself in the mirror. WOW. Is that me? Holy shit. I am are so beautiful. I actually think I am handsome but man, that was way beyond anything I ever felt for myself. Everything looks so beautiful and there are no problems whatsoever. I hugged myself in the most lovable way possible. Never felt that amount of love. I felt totally confortable being me in my body. I went to my music room and lied on my bed. Called my friend because I was so eager to talk to someone. He didn't really talk much during the experience. It was like a virtual trip sitter. I though talked a bit. Okay. So I thought. Let's do the work. I started remembering all things that had a profound effect on my personality and it was just effortless to love anyone and anything that happened to me. Easy.  So I started loving inconditionally everyone that kicked me, punched me or did anything I thought did some threat to my sense of self. Effortless. When I tried to do that sober, it was like there was someone punching my chest. It actually hurt. Then, I started loving people I somehow didn't like any feature for any reason. Easy. The hardest part was loving myself. I started to love every word that didn't align with my ideals, every deed that I didn't like, every habit I hated having, any emotion I previously repressed. Wow. That actually made me have a shift in perception. I created all those habits to protect my sense of self, and I accept that. My inner child, vulnerable, defenceless, unlovable was now receiving everything it needed. I'm free from such burden now! How could that happen?  WOW Then, I had a insight. I love my dad more than a serial killer or a child rapist because my father isn't so big of a threat to my survival. If I didn't need to survive, it would be totally effortless to love both equally. And by survival I don't mean in the physical sense, I mean in the conceptual. The ego. It's just obvious. In that state, I could love both equally. That was Unconditional love. Now I know what actually is Love. Maybe not really in depth but better than my whole life. For some time, I was trying to find what I should do with my life. Then, I asked myself that on DMT. The answer: you already know what to do. I asked myself that on MDMA. The answer? You already know what to do. Shit. I wasn't really confident when making decisions for myself. I am the creator of my life. Of couse I already know what to do. It's doing what I create for me to do! There's nothing else that could be done. Okay, a bit of circular reasoning but in my head this does make sense. Now, 3 days after, I feel like the effects subsided. There are some curious things that I noticed, though. I always used to have a feeling in my chest like something is contracted. Now this is gone. I attribute this to anxiety. The tyrant that used to live in my head is just quiet. It seems like I can feel a broader range of emotions now. My body is just doing its work, almost effortlessly. Maybe those effects are due to afterglow. I'll discover in some weeks. Until then, I'll have to find some way to integrate the insights I had.
  If I were to be Unconditionally Loving, how would my life be? If I was totally secure and confortable in my body, how would I act? If I were to be totally honest all times, how would I speak to myself and others? If I actually lived life as the creator, how would I live?


I don't really plan on doing MDMA in the near future (years). I'll stick with psychedelics for now as I'm more focused on consciousness work. But hey, that was a really valuable experience.

If I could go back and inform myself better before, I would: Test the MDMA Take a 120mg dosage; maybe a 60mg booster Turn off the lights when remembering events Write out events that I planned to work on beforehand. Although I found really easy to remember everything. It was like my bad memories were totally unrepressed Meditate for some minutes during the peak That's it.
  ¹ Integral Life Practice - Ken Wilber ²Me, when MDMA kicked in