Tony And Eva - An Awakening (LSD Trip Report)

[Sinz]

 

SET and SETTINGS:

My girlfriend and I at home. Each took a tab. Didn't eat anything four hours prior to it. Unfortunately I'm not sure about the dose of the tabs (Oops! Couldn't get that information but we took all the other precautions). From now on, I'm gonna refer to myself as "Tony" and my girlfriend as "Eva".

 

Tony's BACKGROUND:

I heard about spirituality years ago from a friend but had no idea what he's talking about.

At 2013, had a moment while reading The Power Of Now. I was lying down on the floor and amazed by understanding that my thoughts are not me... it stuck and I started reading and trying to realize what am I and what this reality is. But you know, while backsliding a lot and having too much confusion about other stuff like career and relationship and all that.

At 2015, I accidentally found Leo on a podcast app. Eventually, it got serious, I started taking notes and mindfully making changes in my life and basically became a student.

At Jan 2020, who would have thought THIS is going to happen...

 

Eva's BACKGROUND:

Not into this work. More of a pragmatic type of girl. She listens to me talk about spirituality sometimes and unintentionally hears what Leo is saying when I'm watching his videos.

 

I've been meditating and doing Kriya for the past three years and 95% of the time, I don't miss a day. But, it's not that hard core also. On average, it's only 20 minutes per day.

 

Every time Leo said something like "You are it" or "You created it all" or "I am you and I created you" or "God is the devil". I turned my head towards Eva and said: "Seriously, he always lose me here. I can resonate with almost everything he's saying except for these parts. It makes no sense to me".

 

My intention was to put my feet in the water so that maybe some day I have a break through using 5-MeO. Eva's intention was to see how it's like and be with me in the journey.

 

Previous psychedelic experiences: Just like a gram of mushrooms to wet my feet again. Nothing special happened, just some minor visuals and a quiet mind.

 

THE TRIP:

(We recorded our voice during the trip. I would share the whole thing if it was in English)

Visuals stated to happen and eventually became strong.

We were talking about our experience and what is happening to us.

I felt strong sensations on my back and I could even feel my pants touching my legs...

 

A dialogue:

 

Tony: "I'm looking at my hand but... now the hand is looking at me... it's now A hand and not MY hand..."

Eva while petting our cat: "The cat and I are experiencing love together now. But it's as though I'm not part of it... I'm outside and watching this happening"

Tony: "Where is Eva then?"

Eva: "Who's Eva?"

Tony: "Haha now we're talking"

 

--

 

Later on:

 

Eva: "It feels like it has always been like this. Can you even imagine coming out and talk about it? 'Now' is the reality. Can you even imagine you lived a different way before? Like... There was no before and there is no after..."

Tony: "Exactly, but deep down I know, that the other version will appear and that is going to feel as real as this one"

Eva: "The difference is, right now, it's all that there is. We are not getting ready to go to a party, to drink, to come home after, and to go to work the next day... It's just now. Now is all it is"

Tony: "Yeah and another difference is, there is no thinking. I literally can't think. And we are not DOING anything. We are just... BEING"

 

--

 

Later on:

 

Tony: "Baby... I am forgetting me... Something is happening..."

Eva: "Me too! I keep touching the cat so that I remember myself! I don't know who Eva is anymore, I have left her somewhere..."

Tony: "There is no time AND I don't know who I am anymore. This is by far the weirdest shit I've ever experienced." Long pause "I am not even in this body anymore, there is no physical body now..." Long pause "It's like this dot is making these sounds (words) and wait, then who's the one that's listening to the sounds... and it all goes away in an instant"

 

--

 

After a long silence:

 

Eva: "What happened to that Tony and Eva?"

Tony: "Usually I feel a bucket in my head and that bucket is filled with thoughts but now, the head is not there in the first place to have a bucket to contain thoughts! Those were all I've ever had! The body and the thoughts. They are all gone now!"

Tony: "There is absolutely no trace of that controller left. No one is controlling anything. There is no attempt of changing anything. There's just... just observing."

 

--

 

Three (humanly) hours have passed from the trip.

 

--

 

Eva: "So tell me, what do you want to achieve in life"

Tony: "Doesn't matter at all. This dot that is speaking has no desire whatsoever. It has already achieved everything."

Eva: "Right, there is no future. But why am I not bored now? You know I'm always bored and waiting for the future to come... Ohh"

Eva: "There is no 'pointer' to the future. There is no 'pointer' to you, or me."

Tony: "Yeah, isn't the talking actually useless and extra here? We are not able to point to anything. The talking is like... a barrier"

 

*Dog barks in the street*

 

Tony: "You see, that dog barked and now it painted the street again. But before that, there was nothing... nothing... nothing..." *Short pause* "Nothing! that's what you're talking about. THE NOTHINGNESS!" ... "Baby! that's where we came from"

Eva: "Yes! there is nothing and then suddenly, there it is again, it's Eva in this place, in this time... It's like I re-tell the whole 'story' from the beginning again. At a moment I'm nothing and the next moment I'm Eva and it goes on and on"

Tony: "Yeah! and the next moment it all 'collapses' to nothingness again"

 

--

 

Long long silence

 

--

 

Eva: "Where were you?"

Tony: "In the nothingness. Not that I was in the nothingness, but, It was the nothingness"

Eva: "So what happened to Tony and Eva?"

Tony: "They are not here anymore. It has gone deep to the point that Tony and Eva have also collapsed into the nothingness. Not that they are gone but... they are... one..."

Eva: "How is it possible that 'only' the two of us are one."

 

Eva continuous with a very cool voice: "This simply means that everybody is one"

Tony: "Everybody is one"

Eva: "That's right"

Tony: "That's... right..."

 

** It happened. It finally hit me. It hit me like a super fast train hits an innocent bird. All the years of listening to Leo and Alan Watts and that podcast's guests and this teacher and that guru... All those pathetic attempts in the meditation and yoga sessions... They all ended up here. **

 

Tony: "Everybody is one... everything is one... it's all ONE... IT'S ALL ONE... OH MY GOD"

I'm crying in my hands and keep saying IT'S ALL ONE... IT'S ALL ONE...

 

Note: Seriously, don't expect to experience this by listening and reading and talking and all that. You can write a million books about it. You can talk for years about it. They of course help, but they are not going to be a substitute for the actual experience. Also, I have no idea how people can reach this state simply by meditating.

 

--

 

Oh by the way, this happened at least two days before Leo's "Total Awakening Live In Real Time - Part 1" video.

 

--

 

So... big whoop! They're back again:

 

Tony: "Should I be worried that you judge me for crying? I kinda don't care"

Eva: "What are you talking about. When and how can I judge you? There is no future, there is no you, there is no me"

Tony: "It's outrageous! At this point, if I want to talk to you, I have to first make sure (imagine) I'm sitting somewhere, like on this couch. And I have to make sure this couch is grounded on this floor and this is all on the planet earth. Then, I have to make sure that I'm a human and you are a human and 'we are different'. Only then, I can communicate with you"

 

Tony continues: "I need to first CREATE it all and then FORGET that I myself did it, have some backing stories and play the role of this Tony human"

Eva: "And I have to be Eva, to play Eva again. But why? why should I do it? I'm good here... I mean not that I'm good but I'm in a place that there is no good or bad... or a place... All the happiness AND sadness don't even exist now. Why should I even bother playing Eva?"

 

Tony: "Because then and only then the 'reality' could exist. You see, at first it is nothing (or everything) then you draw the first line, the first distinction. You put white on one side and black on the other side. What is white? the thing here that is not black. What is black? the thing over there that is not white. What is 'here'? the thing that is not 'over there'. What is 'over there'? the thing that is not 'here'"

 

Tony continues: "You keep creating and creating using this simple mechanism. Does it matter if you don't want to live as Eva anymore? of course not! There is no life and death right now. There is no 'matter' and 'not matter' right now."

 

Eva: "Ok, ok. Let's play humans now. We're having bodies again! parents again! cat again! and friends again! Let's say it's Monday and we have to go to work. Now that we know all this, why do we want to get dressed and go? why do we want to have cat and friends?"

Eva answers herself: "Because that's the way we know we are! We use all that to separate ourselves from this!"

Tony: "It HAS to be this way..."

Tony in crying voice: "IT'S NOT PERSONAL. This is what everybody is doing to keep themselves separate."

Eva: "It draws the distinction. It creates you, it creates me. It knows me through you. It knows you through me. It is knowing itself! It's exploring itself. It knows it IS, this way"

 

Tony and Eva's minds are blown. They fully accepted the annihilation. They realized that all these time, during all these years of having a romantic relationship, through highs and lows. It was only the IT playing for itself.

 

--

 

So we reached out to each other for a hug and this literally happened:

It was nothing/everything...

Then it was me...

Then I was physically hugging myself...

I could feel my hairs from the other side on my face, it was as real as it can be...

Next thing, the other me turned into Eva...

I was crying on her shoulder...

IT IS ME. I'M IT. I'M DOING ALL THIS. I'M YOU. YOU'RE ME.

 

I don't know how to describe it. I physically hugged myself. Physically.

 

--

 

Leo was right. I designed every hair on my body. I created all the horrible humans and all the 'saints'. Of course when I say I, it also is You.

 

You're wondering why you can't appear a million dollars on the table right now? Because you are god. One million dollar and your poop are as important as each other. You are not a foolish ego trying to favour yourself. You are as (not) important as your business competitor. You are everything. EVERYTHING.

 

--

 

For hours we were questioning it from different angles and reaching the same conclusion again and again. At some point, I was poking fun and be like hey now it's the time for me to cry. But I wasn't crying anymore. I was comfortable being god.

 

Eva: Now that you've understood it all, would you stop pursuing spirituality? would you stop watching videos and meditating?

Tony after moments of silence: No. As far as this Tony guy exists, he has to do something to keep separating himself from the unity. I'm going to forget and try to learn it again from other people that I (god) created.

 

COMING BACK:

The experience, the annihilation got so overwhelming that I was like "seriously, what's the opposite of meditation, I want to be human again". And Eva said: "I'm just this absolute truth now. I want to be Eva again". Yes, at the end we were desperately trying to be humans again. I was like "thank god my back is hurting again. I have a back (body) again!"

 

Fear kicked in, we were afraid that we can't be humans again. How could we possibly undo this!? How can we come back when there is no past, there is no future and we're all one?

Well the answer is, we have to separate ourselves as "humans", forget that we did it, believe that we took a substance that as they say persists for 8 hours, believe we experienced all this when we were "under influence" and then believe that it wears off... poof...

 

Eva and Tony: "So let's hang in here for a couple more hours, then we're going to go to sleep and come back stronger than ever"

And it happened exactly as planned.

 

...

 

I don't see any point in touching LSD again. But hey, what about the 5-MeO-DMT experience you wanted to have?

Hmm I seriously don't wanna do any psychedelics for a while now. But after a while and if I could find any (hit me up if you're in Canada lol), then sure why not. Currently, I can imagine 5-MeO as a so much quicker way to be god again without it persisting for 8-10 hours which is definitely nice!

 

Now that two weeks have passed. The memory of the experience is fading and fading. I keep reminding myself of what I saw, of what I became. Every meditation is now more of a reminder rather than an attempt to have the experience again. I guess we need 5-MeO-DMT to take once in a while so that we become pure consciousness again and stop the ego from taking over the whole show.

 

I don't know! You tell me.

 

---

---

 

P.S. I wrote this report back in Jan/Feb 2020. But then a series of crazy shit happened that I couldn't post it until today. Maybe it's an opportunity to integrate all those insane events with the trip.

[Leo Gura]

@Sinz Good, you got it.

But there's more! So much more.

[ilyas dolliazal]

@Sinzthank you me for posting this interesting happening.  

[Cepzeu]

19 hours ago, Sinz said:

Fear kicked in, we were afraid that we can't be humans again. How could we possibly undo this!? How can we come back when there is no past, there is no future and we're all one?

This was a biggie for me on my trip haha. I questioned why I even did it. Activating god mode ruins all the fun of the game for a while 

[Kshantivadin]

Beautiful report man, I cried many times. Life/reality is some amazing shit, no?

One thing, I haven't taken any psychedelics yet, aside from weed. I've been meditating for 3.5 years every day now. I have mini glimpses of these kinds of states "sober". So I, from experience, believe it's possible. Can't wait to catalyze the awakening with some stuff though

[The Awakened Viking]

What have I gotten myself into .. 

[lostmedstudent]

@Cepzeu

21 hours ago, Cepzeu said:

This was a biggie for me on my trip haha. I questioned why I even did it. Activating god mode ruins all the fun of the game for a while 

what did you do about it after?

[Cepzeu]

@lostmedstudent forgot about it 

[Sinz]

@The Awakened Viking Who would have thought! 

@Kshantivadin Thank you! and it's awesome that you had glimses. Crazy that it's actually possible to experience this. Still getting goosbumps thinking about those moments