TRIP REPORT: 4-HO-MET - "I have no name"

[billiesimon]

This has been the first experience where my ego gets deeply damaged and demolished, even though it is still not an ego death.

Psychedelic: 10 mg of 4-HO-MET, plugged
Empty stomach since 8 hours
Time: around 8 pm
I meditated 30 minutes before the session

Intention: I want to "wake up" more to my true nature. I want to be more conscious. I also want to heal even more emotionally.

---- THE EXPERIENCE ----

I walk out of the house to get some fresh air and then find some nice spot to sit in the paeaceful evening.

I feel the chemical becoming really intense on my body, but my mind is still completely clear.

My body is now ON FIRE!!! I can literally feel hot lava flowing inside my limbs and internal organs. I'M FIRE!!!!

I need to lay down on something as soon as possible, because my body is totally drunk and burning like hell. I reach my car, parked near the grassfield. I sit in there.

THE EXPLOSION

As soon as I relax inside the car... it's almost like the psychedelic realizes that I'm now safe and it can EXPLODE in my body without doing me harm.

BOOM!!!! 

My body becomes enraged in flames, I feel tired but completely alive at the same time. I feel so alive and burning, like I'm on the highest fever ever.

The visual field becomes suddenly blurred, and at this point the visuals kick in.
I can see a lot of colorful distortions, the grass moves like in an abstract painting, the textures are moving on the objects.

THE VISION 

I start to contemplate the scenery out of the car window. I try to relax my mind to enter into a meditative state.

This is where the magic happens.

Something is MOVING on the car window.

Billiesimon starts to slowly disappear, as I notice that on the window there are little creature made of geometric shapes. 
These little geometric/prismatic creatures are swimming in this yellow flat surface, and they have their own identity, they start to build a civilization, they grow, they change, they expand!!!

I am fascinated by these amazing creatures, as they work hard to create prismatic cities, as they change, some of them die, some of them are born, some of them wander off from the city.... 

IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. 

They are alive. They seem like random geometric shapes but... they have life in them. They have a soul.

At the end, their civilization dies.... 

In that moment... I realize....

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.
.
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It was just dust on the windows.

It was. Just. Dust.

Or were they real? Am I just returning to see the reality that fits my ego? These dust particles could really be vibrating with life and with conscious awareness.

But the real insight was this: and it struck me like a LIGHTNING.

I WAS THERE, WATCHING THEM, FOR ALL OF THE ETERNITY OF THEIR HISTORICAL LIFE.

I was a silent, formless entity, watching them. I was not billiesimon.

While I was watching them, I was like the eternal awareness of the universe, observing civilizations rise and fall. I did not have a body or an identity during their rise and fall as a civilization.

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Am I this entity here too? In human history? Am I eternal? Am I just observing human history the same way I was observing this geometric civilization rise and fall?!?

..... Silence. And mystery, engulfs me. 

I HAVE NO NAME

The trip is constantly interrupted by egoic attacks, where my ego tries to remember constantly that "I am billiesimon, I am here, I have this age, I have this and that to do, bla bla bla", but I guess it is just a defense mechanism.

Then it happens: a huge chunk of my ego collapses (this is not ego death).

"Wait a minute, I actually have no name. I am not billiesimon. That's just a word that I am just conditioned to use, but it's not me. Who am I? I am not this body, I can be present in other realities without this body, I can witness other civilizations without this body and identity. Who am I?"

"I DON'T KNOW. I really really don't know what I am. I just observe. That seems to be the only feature I have. I just observe. I am observing this life, this body, this human civilization. Observing, watching, is all I really do."

How long have I been watching this billiesimon's life? Is it 30 years?
Or is it just this one second?

How long have I been watching what happens in general? 

Is it... eternity?

I don't know.

 

I HAVE ONLY ONE DUTY

I walk the streets alone. I feel TOTALLY different now. 

I don't feel afraid of the dark. I don't feel afraid of what people think of me. I don't feel compelled to follow social norms (I'm still in the peak state, near to the come-down).

I laugh. I realize that I am walking on a theater. 

I am living on a theater's stage. I feel it.

BUT WHAT AM I?!? I NEED TO KNOW!!! I am not this person!!! I need to know if I am eternal. I need to know if I have truly witnessed all human history and all of the universe's history. 

How long have I been observing without KNOWING that I am observing?!?!?

As I return home, I can feel the fakeness, the theater-like structure of my house, and my lifestyle.
I look at the floor.

I look at the floor, and concentrate on the void, to forget my usual identity.

The floor starts to pulsate, the tiles become distorted and they emerge from the ground and shift, like monoliths from below. Under the tiles, I can now see endless and countless spirals swirling under the ground, like an ocean of madness and absolute chaos.

I freak out. As soon as my ego claims that I am Biliesimon, the tiles and the floor turns back to TOTALLY NORMAL. Zero visuals.

Yeah. It's my ego. My ego keeps this reality "human-like". But... it's not actually in this form. Or maybe this is just a crystallized form of reality.

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I need to know!!! My only mission in this "life" is to know myself!! 

I now get it!!! I am here ONLY to wake up. I am here because MySelf wants to wake up, it wants to understand what the fuck is happening here!!!!

I now get it... I know get it... I AM ASLEEP.

I am still NOT awake, I am far far away from being awake.... but I now GET IT: I'M ASLEEP!!!!

The question remains.

I have no name, no identity.

But still, I need to find out what I am. 

My only mission here on this earth is to wake up.

[Leo Gura]

Good!

[tedens]

"I can be present in other realities without this body, I can witness other civilizations without this body and identity."

This seems to be a valuable clue.

[Peo]

How strong is 4-HO-MET? Is it stronger then dmt or is equal strong as dmt?

I am curious as if this is an advance pshychedelic or a noob like LSD and MDMA?

Edited May 5, 2020 by Peo
grammer

[billiesimon]

10 hours ago, Dand said:

Thanks for sharing, a lot of people say this is a recreational psychedelic, until you do a higher dose and go in with the right intention. I had a 4-HO-MET trip about 4 days ago and it completely destroyed me. Met multiple entities which kidnapped me into their reality, showed me human history and the future of humanity (apparently China is gonna invade the world when it becomes the biggest economy in a few decades lol) and it made me live through hundreds of the lifetimes I've impacted in the last few weeks.

Obviously I'm not taking any of this literally, it was just the experience I had. Nitrous was something else completely, I posted a really interesting trip report in the trip reports thread if you're interested.

 

Wow, amazing!!! I'm gonna read your report.

Well, it definitely is not a recreational psych. ANd my dosage was not high, it was pretty low: 10 mg. Generally a medium dosage is around 15-20 mg.

But it absolutely is a POWERFUL psychedelic, especially for the dreamy and hallucinatory visuals. They really shock you out of normal reality 

I've never had such hallucinations with LSD.

[billiesimon]

2 hours ago, Peo said:

How strong is 4-HO-MET? Is it stronger then dmt or is equal strong as dmt?

I am curious as if this is an advance pshychedelic or a noob like LSD and MDMA?

It is described as a noob psychedelic by almost all the wikis and articles.

But in my particular case it was actually stronger than LSD, which is regularly listed as a more potent psych. It depends on the individual I guess.

But on the average trip report you can find that 4-HO-MET is very light hearted and party-like.

[lostmedstudent]

Great report, as always. Thanks for sharing

i would like to know what you guys think of this long report someone else shared on the forum a few days ago@billiesimon @tedens @Leo Gura

@Dand i saw your responses already

 https://www.dmt-nexus.me/forum/default.aspx?g=posts&t=62070

[tedens]

Qote this here

[EntheogenTruthSeeker]

Great report! Proud of you. Seems like you have put a lot of work into mastering your psychology. 
 

Did you drive a car? If so, come on man. Give these substances a good name and be responsible. 

[billiesimon]

3 hours ago, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

Great report! Proud of you. Seems like you have put a lot of work into mastering your psychology. 
 

Did you drive a car? If so, come on man. Give these substances a good name and be responsible. 

No, my car is just parked near my house. I went for a walk and then relaxed inside the backseat of the car, because I was already outiside walking and I was tired