How to deal with unfulfilled desires which are making me desperate and crazy.

[Amit]

So maybe I had big expectations or its the state I am coming out of, but I feel depressed when I see that I have had this state of bliss in my meditation but now I can't be authentic in front of people, as they think something weird with me. I had only couple of female friends in my life till now, and at times, I feel intensely desperate for someone. I try to express myself authentically, and it goes to the deep end, which they don't get and think I am trying to impress them or something. It has become a catch 22 problem with me, I want to continue doing self actualization for my own good, but it makes me intense in my ways of expressing myself in my personal relationship. Though my relationship to my family and friends are becoming healthier, I am becoming more creative but it's very sad at times when I feel desperate for a girl who could have understood me, that's something which I have used to express myself through. In these kinds of moment, it's very relaxing for me to post on the forum. Somehow it releases the tension, I don't know how much of this resonate with you, but please let me know if you felt similar to this. 

[Amit]

So about those friends, I gave them so much love and care, but also they got to know my dark side, and I didn't want anything back for helping them in their own lives, but after some time when I am trying to talk to them, they just don't say anything, I think I made them confuse or they are afraid of me in some way. I wrote a poem for them, I didn't believe my creativity after finishing it, it was just like a very good hindi song lyrics but I have  got no one to share it with. The problem is when I get to talk to one, I just don't like her because I find her way more ignorant than I ever imagined. Then I just treat her like a sex slave, and then it stops working. I feel so alone, though I am very happy, I feel bliss all the time, but when I go down to talk to her, the desire and suffering cycle start repeating, though it's slowly vanishing, but when this moment comes it's very painful. It hurts to not have anyone, to understand you. 

[h inandout]

I understand your pain.  I sing, and with depth and passion.  I feel as though no one will ever want to hear my voice, let alone jam along with me.  Even like I am harming ither people's sensibility when I share myself with them.  Has been depressing and annoying when I become passionate about learning a new song and realized it's for noone.  But I have learned that the attention I craved so desperately as a child playing the piano all by my self for so many hours just alooooone, is attention I can now give to myself.  I am who I am searching for.  I can hold myself and cry, and then join myself in joy when inspiration strikes...  My happiness is enough of a gift to the world.  And the process I go through to create may someday be useful in unseen ways.

[Amit]

Agreed, attention is precious, though habits take time to change. when someone validates you all the time, and after a pause, when you go for the same sweet validation, but you are not being validated because you have destroyed some of their cultural conditioning viewpoints and it hurts them, they are not going to face that situation again, so they try to keep you out from your life. As someone might rephrase it like I broke the trust, but that trust would be inauthentic for me, as I know it's not based on the grounds of truth. Now, I realize Why the wisest are most misunderstood, why people avoid self-actualization, and rather keep running on treadmills of life. leo's lessons are becoming clearer, you create for yourself and as you are God, you create for god, everything else is just suffering covered in illusory attraction, for which the worldly mind keeps desiring and falls for. it's a trap that God has set up for itself in her own ignorance. 

[h inandout]

Yes, sounds cruel, but better to be in alignment than in an situation that clashes too deeply with your purpose here.

Perhaps next time is will be possible to hold a gentler space for another persons expansion and acceptance of your viewpoint.  This can be hard though when you don't know the depth of the process their unconscious mind will have to go through...  And when you don't know where your own mind will have to expand to in order to synchronize with someone who currently has different values.

Edited May 4, 2020 by h inandout

[Nahm]

There are many veils to involve another in one’s own purification, alas, another is the veil. 

[Amit]

@h inandout I think that's the advice I was searching for. That's why being a simple and frank person do not works most of the time when dealing with another. Another is a fascinating part of me, having been lost into my own world, I don't seem to have a clue what another thinks and value. Natural desires obstruct me to get the truth of the matter. Superficial values are all pervasive for an unconscious mind. @Nahm not, if you are conscious of it's impermanence, that the veil doesn't exist, it becomes a mirror.

4 hours ago, h inandout said:

Perhaps next time is will be possible to hold a gentler space for another persons expansion and acceptance of your viewpoint.  This can be hard though when you don't know the depth of the process their unconscious mind will have to go through

[Nahm]

@Amit Nailed it. ♥️

[Danioover9000]

   I've remembered reading something about the yogic path having mainly two paths: Celibacy, and celebration. The idea with celibacy is to renounce material pleasures gradually, and eventually one attains enlightenment. The other path is the path of celebration, where you celebrate more of that desire and keep increasing that celebration to the point you gain enlightenment. Both approaches aren't newbie advice but are worth considering.

[Amit]

@Danioover9000 it's better to choose the path based on your own circumstances not abstractly. There are countless paths only if you know your goal.