Am I depressed or what? Please help..

[Dua]

Hello, 

I am stuck in my life and I am not able to understand what is wrong because apparently nothing is wrong at all..

About me:

I am 30 and living in a lower middle class family and we hardly make ends meet. I stopped my studies after high school and after that done nothing in my life. I've been in depression for a long time but then it got normal. I spent a lot of my time after high school in thinking thinking and thinking. There is a lot but now I am grown up enough to actually "Grow up" in my life. From last 3 years I am trying to do something for myself and my family, specially my mother and my father. I want to give them the life they never had, and don't even think of.

I can write and I have written content for many websites online and they appreciated my work, but I can't work. It sounds silly but yes, I can't work, I can't write. I overthink a lot.. for every new project my thoughts are, will they like my work? what if they rejected my work? what if they will not give me any work for long term then how will i earn? etc etc etc..

Then I thought about working on my own blog/website because I know content writing, SEO and stuff. I know exactly what and how to do, but I am stuck.. Again like a loser.. 

I spend my time in front of computer screen and I know where to start I know what to do, I start doing that too.. but then again.. I stop doing it and I find myself wasting my time again.. and I can't help it.. 

I know the answer is to just do it... just start it.. etc etc .. but how? Please motivate me.. help me.. 

I feel that I am weak physically and emotionally too. I need complete isolation but I can't 

Things just keep bothering me, hot weather bothers me.  Am I depressed again?

I make to-do lists, time tables, but I never ever follow them. I badly want to follow them but I can't.

 

[Espaim]

This may help you.

[tenta]

You aren't just going to cause a reaction in your brain that causes you to become more motivated, you need to look at the results that you want to achieve by writing and it will motivate you to strive towards them.

[Member]

I feel the same. Have no motivation AT ALL. I'm also 30 years old but there have been unfortunate events in my life which triggered my apathy. All feels so pointless despite having many skills. Everything feels BLAH... sometimes I want to vanish.

[Dua]

Thanks @Espaim

@tenta This is the problem.. The results can be amazing I know.. I have done all the base work of learning but I don't know what stops me from implementing. 

@Member I can understand how it feels.. May we get the enlightenment soon. 

[tenta]

Then you likely have low dopamine or believe the process of implementing is too painful.

[AlphaAbundance]

What exactly are your problems? Like in a bullet list - an example might be

"My problems are

• Confusion
• Social Anxiety
• Problems w/ relationships"

Also what are the general thinking / emotions of these problems? Like in that format - an example might be

"

• I feel depressed, sad and negative thinking that my work won't be received well, thinking that it all won't be worth it in the end
• I feel anxious, stressed and negative thinking that I won't be able to make ends meet, won't have enough money this month
• I feel (emotions / feelings) thinking (thought process / concerns)"

This works for general / long-term thought and emotion processes aswell as short-term ones (like I feel anxious thinking that this guy will punch me). You can add the scenario aswell but it is the thoughts that illicit emotions not the scenario. This can be seen as a foundation to mindfulness and emotional awareness

The video below aswell as the practice of journaling may be therapeutic and amazing for understanding / clarity on the thoughts, emotions and specific problems that you are facing not only for yourself but so that others can better help you.

 

Edited May 3, 2020 by AlphaAbundance