Creating problems to avoid death

[StarStruck]

I wonder how it is with other people.  I just observed it in myself how I create problems or rather want a problem be solved (like wanting a business or wanting to start a family) and then self sabotaging myself so I don’t get what I want. This is also robs my of the chance of getting it and discovering that is not it.  

Part of me still wants the things I want but I will be trying to apply radical honesty to my actions in my daily life. A lot of the things I do is just to escape the moment or to avoid a state. I think some people can even use enlightenment to escape. Eventually something will trigger them to snap back to reality and they will see their life is a bigger mess than before + time lost. 

The naive thing I believed in for years is that there will come a time that some enlightenment will come and everything will be fixed. That has to be earned and the price has to be paid. And such future moment of salvation doesn’t exist. It is the now. It is so unsettling.