1000 Hrs Sds In 6 Months

[askdfjnak]

**DISCLAIMER**
Everything I write here is ultimately bullshit.

 

The devil dressed himself up as god and declared:

“I shall complete 1000 hours of strong determination sitting and cast out the devil once and for all!”

God watched the proceedings silently ...

 

How to perform an exorcism:

Step 1: Be awake
Step 2: Don't touch any “I” thoughts
Step 3: Sit motionless for 1000 hours

 

 

***

 

I've had more enlightenment experiences than I can count. I've also had a few near death experiences that have really catalysed my urge to wake up fully.
I'm currently going through what Adyashanti calls the “got it, lost it phase” of awakening. He details this in his book The End Of Your World, its written for people who have experienced the awakened state and have fallen out of it somehow. Mooji, and Sadhguru also refer to this stage, where the battle against the mind (ego) begins in earnest. I haven't seen it been discussed much on this forum with the exception of this thread:

 

 

I'm having authentic enlightenment experiences when my false “I” melts away, but I am unable to remain in that space throughout my daily life. My ego invariable creeps back in, like a zombie that keeps coming back from the dead and pulling me back into person hood.

 

This process of popping in and out of truth is very painful and I've finally come to the realisation that if I am going to be enlightened I have to make a stand for my freedom. Yeah sure, there's no free will. Yeah sure, you can't plan enlightenment. Yeah sure, the “me” that wants to be free doesn't exist and the “me” that wants to be free can't wake up. All of that is correct. I know it's correct because “I've” seen it. The “I” that wants to awaken is a false “I”.

It's time to become pragmatic about my journey, as Leo says “you're not enlightened until you're fucking enlightened”. Experiences are necessary steps on the path, but they don't count as enlightenment. Enlightenment has to be a living experience, flowing from one moment to the next, not a philosophy that “you” keep spinning.

Adyashanti talks about this transition from experience to permanent realisation here

Mooji talks about this same thing here

As does Sadhguru here and here

Osho Talks about the difference between learning knowledge and earning knowledge. Experiences are not earned knowledge.

 

They all talk about putting in a special kind of effort to dissolve the ego. Who puts in this effort? A paradox, but one that must be overcome.

 

I define my ego simply as “that which is resisting the reality of the present moment by means of distracting projections”
If I follow Mooji's self-enquiry pointing or I listen to Osho and Adyashanti, through their words I gradually fall into a state of presence and then into "The Truth", the True empty self. This is not sustained, though.

Shinzen young calls this getting a Guru Zap, and he explains the benefits of practising strong determination sitting here.

 

This belief that I can't sustain enlightenment is itself a distracting projection i.e. a function of ego (as I define it).

The resistance that is coming up now is immense, for good reason. As Mooji says in the video above:

“You can't just have a cappuccino awakening, it has to be swallowed and digested and assimilated, then what you know, becomes what you are”

 

The dialogue he has with this woman is really hitting home for me too.

 

I'm now ready to walk through the fires of my own mind and free myself totally.
I want enlightenment will every fibre of my being, because I am suffering the one who wants. This is the paradox of my predicament.

 

I've chosen strong determination sitting and self-inquiry as my main techniques to assist in completing my surrender – all the way.

 

Leo recommends self actualizing your way up to enlightenment by systematically working your way through Maslow's hierarchy of needs to get to transcendence. My game plan will be to short circuit.

I can respect that most people would want to do this and that this will lead to a very fulfilling life. Personally though, I've been too far down the enlightenment rabbit hole to care about self-actualising, I'm not interested in "creating maximum happiness" so this is not the game plan for me, right now I'm just trying to relieve the pain of being asleep. However, I have found a use for some self actualising theory...

 

To assist in getting the ball rolling I will be using some personal development principals to engineer the initial motivation to do about 6 hours of strong determination sitting per day. This will be like the energy that is needed to fire up a fusion reactor before it is able to sustain itself.

 

As Shinzen Young explains in this video, initial (egoistic) effort is required to get started but eventually the habit of meditation will meditate itself.

 

I watched this video by Sadhguru where he explains the value of desire over discipline. If the desire is strong enough, everything falls into place on its own.

 

 

***

 

 

I will be using many of the techniques outlined in the actualized.org blueprint to help me artificially ramp up my desire to extraordinary heights, and help with self discipline. I'm not going to cover all of them, but the most important ones I've identified are:

 

Vision:

I have made a vision video (in place of a vision board) that is comprised of highly emotive, action oriented clips from various TV shows and movie's that I think are relevant to what I am undertaking. I can't upload the actual video because I don't want to infringe copyright laws but it's set out as follows:

Part 1 – Breaking away from consensus reality; accepting the challenge and pain that is about to come

Zaheer escaping from prison from the TV show Legend of Korra
Jonas being selected at the ceremony of advancement scene from the movie The Giver
Tris entering fear simulation from the movie Divergent
Conversation on fear and laziness from the movie Waking Life
Avatar Aang receiving turtle wisdom from the TV show Avatar The Last Airbender
Neo speaking with the oracle from the movie The Matrix
Karl Popper messaging Trinity from the movie The Animatrix (Kids story)
Chemical burn Scene and realization of ego from the movie Fight Club
Wood carving scene from the beginning of the movie Into the Wild

Part 2 – Battling the Ego

Avatar Aang vs Firelord Ozai
Neo vs Agent Smith
Karl Popper being chased by Agents
Edward Norton vs Tyler Durden - final fight scene

Part 3 – Transcending/neutralising ego

Zaheer guiding korra into the spirit world
Aang energy bending the Firelord
Neo's crucifixion
Karl popper letting go of the handrail
Edward Norton shooting himself
Final scene of Into the Wild

 

 

Just do it.

Title speaks for itself.

 

Take Responsibility and Victim energy

My idea of responsibility has changed recently. Again, thanks to Sadhguru. I have been blessed with an uncomfortable life, taking responsibility will make me wiser sooner than others.

 

 

 

Willpower

I like this idea of limited willpower. I will be removing all my current restrictions on diet, exercise, work, entertainment, sleep patterns and all other habits. I will be directing 100% of my willpower towards my meditation. If it is true that awareness alone is curative, the awareness developed in meditation will automatically rectify my bad habits in time. This video also has some great tips for managing willpower:

 

 

 

Other important concepts:

Identity level change
Nominalized identity
Outcome independence
Contemplate Death
Embrace paradox and Epistemology
Emotional Labor
Momentum
States vs. Stages
Limiting beliefs
Force your mood

 

 

***

 

 

 

Meditation setting, tracking and reporting

 

I will be using the insight meditation app to track my meditation hours. I will not be tracking incomplete sessions. Only sessions over 1 hour will be counted.
I have not set any daily minimums. I intend to change between periods of high and low volumes of meditation but I will need to average around 6 hours a day. I will carry out my meditation on my knees directly in front of a wall.

Here is a picture of me pretending to exist:

I will spend 5 minutes before each session reading the journal entry of the previous 2 sessions.

I will spend 5-10 minutes at the end of each session writing down the thoughts and sensations that pulled me out of awareness and into identity. I've found this helps to keep track of macro thought processes.

I have already completed 21 hours as I am writing this; I spent the first session fantasising about how I would write this forum post . I wrote that down and on the second session I was no longer distracted by this thought process because I became aware of it immediately. I was then able to inquire into it and resolve it. This is the function of the meditation journal. It's not possible to do self-inquiry without awareness.

 

I will be uploading a screen shot of my timer stats every Sunday with any notes or experiences that I wish to report. I will also calculate and upload my current daily average, to tell if I'm behind or ahead of schedule. If I am unable to upload on a Sunday then I will be uploading as soon as possible thereafter. (I have already booked 2 Vipassana retreats which will run over a week.)

Edited July 6, 2016 by Marc Schinkel

[askdfjnak]

Week 1

 

… and the devil wrestled with himself for a week and he put on a great show for god.

 

***

Hours sat: 33

Current Daily Average: 4.7

 

 

Experiences:

 

Extreme pain in knees and buttocks
Lingering pain in shoulders/neck
Pressure in skull
Headaches/migraines
Extreme negative emotions – Terror, Rage
Extreme positive emotions – Joy/Bliss Love
Anxiety attacks
Sexual arousal
Irregular pounding heart beat that could be felt throughout body
Increased heart rates
Adrenaline
Spontaneous muscle spasms and locks esp. in core
Violent Shaking
Sweating
Shivering
Internal resistance – like a volcano was erupting below by navel, spewing hot lava up into my thorax
Tight chest
Laboured irregular breathing – I do long distance running and I experienced a shortness of breath/burning sensation in lungs that occurs when running above lactate threshold
Crawling / tingling sensations (like insects were running over my body)
Nausea
Claustrophobia
Suicidal thoughts
Clenched jaw, grinding teeth
General malaise
Difficulty sleeping, vivid dreaming
Fatigue / exhaustion
Depression
Feeling of impending death

 

Insights:

1. There is suffering

2. This is quite abstract, but I want to explain how the insight happened.

I was watching the music video below (Snakadaktal - Hung On Tight). I thought of his awakening at the beginning of the video to be symbolic of my first awakening. He then sits up and looks at his reflection in the mirror, symbolic of re-identification with ego. He then goes on to try and continue a dead party, pushing people aside and hurting himself, whilst singing “I hung on tight..”

 

I realised that I have been clinging onto my previous experiences and that this has been a source of great pain. In other words I've been trying to keep a dead party going by living from the MEMORY of my past experiences rather than by embracing the experience that is unfolding before me NOW.

I already understood this intellectually of course, but the insight sunk down into my bones when I watched this, it clicked into my being. I cannot grasp enlightenment, I cannot effort enlightenment, I cannot hold enlightenment. It changed from an insight I learned, to an insight I earned.

 

I came to understand what Mooji is talking about when he talks about the “final ace up the sleeve of the mind”

 

The meditation session immediately after was much easier. I was able to bathe all of the negative experiences in a much clearer awareness. Awareness that was not fragmented by the mind. Whilst the experience was still horrible, I was able to sit perfectly motionless for the full 3 hours. The edge had been taken off of the suffering because I was much more present with the sit.

 

It's very relieving to know that the process is already delivering results.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Marc Schinkel

[askdfjnak]

Week 2

 

The devil grew tired of wrestling with the god he created. He set him aside and proceeded to indulge himself in life's pleasures.

But by some miracle, the god stirred to life the devil gnashed his teeth and began the chase, the fight resumed.

… and God watched the proceedings silently.

 

 

***

 

 

Hours Sat: 50

Hours sat this week: 17

Current daily average: 3.6

 

 

 

Experiences:

On Monday I overslept as a result of the fatigue I had sustained from the first week of practice. This was the beginning of a spiral of apathy that saw me completely miss 2 days of meditation. It was like my meditation stool had a force field around it. My diet tanked, my exercise stopped, I started binge watching Game of Thrones and I didn't go to work. Basically everything went to shit overnight.

What amazed me was how much I actually enjoyed it. The meditation had definitely given my mindfulness a boost.

Do you know how delicious processed food is when you taste every bite?

Do you know how nice beer is when you can feel the effervescence falling into your body and the warm buzzing sensation drip down to your toes?

Do you know how enjoyable Game of Thrones is when you're not emotionally invested in any of the characters?

Do you know how relaxing it is to stay home from work when you feel as detached as a fart in the wind?

My ego managed to trick itself into thinking it was enlightened because it was in such a deep state of pleasure and contentment with the present moment. It almost got me.

 

When I sat down on Tuesday I immediately felt something was different. I had WAY more resistance than usual. It was like my entire body was screaming for oxygen. Thankfully I only set the timer for 1 hour because there was no way I would have made 3. I remembered a Mooji video that I watched immediately after the sit. It pretty much saved me from quitting altogether.

 

 

I didn't meditate at all on Wednesday and I realised I needed to do something if I wanted to keep sitting. The stress felt in meditation was now creeping into my daily life outside of meditation. The feeling of suffocation in my chest was pretty much constant throughout this week.

 

This video by Shinzen Young discussed the behaviour changes that meditation enables, I have the cart before the horse because I'm trying to induce behaviours changes that will lead to meditation.

I found the information useful, though. In there he recommends setting up accountability to aid the process of changing behaviour if separating out sensations in the body and mind proves too much. This is why I started this journal on Wednesday. It worked.

I didn't want to do this initially because journaling about a meditation habit and enlightenment journey has a lot of traps for the ego, but for now I think it's good.

 

I stopped watching Game of Thrones; it's just people fighting and fucking each other. Like most fictional literature I guess.

I'm still eating unhealthy but I'm not too concerned about it for now. All of my willpower is being sapped by my meditation.

 

All of the negative experiences listed in week one returned during meditation, with the exception of shaking and convulsions; I am able to sit still now.
In addition to these experiences I started to feel anxiety and stress in the hours before a meditation session.
My body had spontaneous convulsions outside of meditation, I started pacing relentlessly with an enormous influx of energy. My emotions fluctuated between “depressed 50 year old fascist man with a terminal illness” and “vivacious teenage girl at a Taylor Swift concert.”
I started talking to myself out loud and laughing at my own statements like a schizophrenic.

I am now coming down with the flu. I was supposed to go on a Vipassana retreat this week but I can't now. I'll just try to smash out as many hours as I can from home.

 

Insights:

If we consider the concept of flow, we can see that anxiety and apathy are the result of low skill level during periods of high and low challenge.

 

 

At the moment 6 hours of SDS per day is above my skill level. I realised I would have to focus on improving my meditation skills to improve my results and consistency. I was just white knuckling my way through 3 hours of self-inquiry and SDS with no strategy whatsoever.
I started to integrate some of Shinzen Young's mindfulness model into my sits. Separating out mental, emotional and physical sensations made it much easier to:

a) Begin meditating.
I was suffering before meditation and spending a few minutes separating out my negative thoughts and emotions made it possible for me to actually sit down

b) Practice self-inquiry productively.
Previously, I was just inquiring into whatever caught my attention whilst plenty slipped below my threshold of awareness. By systematically inquiring into physical sensations, emotional sensations and mental sensations (mental images, mental sounds, thoughts, memories, beliefs) my awareness deepened, because my concentration and clarity raised and I was able to be much more equanimous with the sit.

 

 

I think I solved the paradox of wanting enlightenment. Wanting and pursuing actually get in the way of enlightenment, yet it's necessary to want and pursue enlightenment to get enlightened.

 

It comes down to the differences between desire and pursuit compared with "will".  I think there is a difference between wanting enlightenment and being willing to be enlightened. Desire is a product of the ego and pursuit is the movement of ego towards desire. "Will" however, is something much more primal, it is simultaneously a movement and an end.

Since enlightenment is not a static destination, it cannot be achieved if it is a desire.

It's not possible to become enlightened, It's only possible to un-become unenlightened.

To un-become unenlightened, one must be willing to be enlightened rather than want to get enlightened.

 

Maybe I'm just lost in philosophy.

… I'm definitely lost in philosophy. It's the only place you can get lost.

The only thing that can keep you from enlightenment is the thought you're about to have.

 

Ultimately god is thinking these thoughts

but he's pretending he isn't.

fuck this shit.

[askdfjnak]

Week 3

God floated down to his basement and pulled out an old box labelled “NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.” He opened it up and pulled out his ViewMaster, a clever device that made multidimensional images using lots of smaller images. In the box were many of gods favourite memories. He picked out a disk labelled “The last person on Earth”, it was a vlog made by the last person on the planet.

He held the ViewMaster in front of his eyes and peered down the lens ... 

 

And God was thrashing about in water as images were developing around him.
This is how the ViewMaster worked. It developed images in Gods eyes and then folded them into one another, mixing experience within experience and time within time, creating new dimensions for God to explore.

And God began to lose memory of himself in the fog
And God was alone
And God was floating through the universe
And the universe was floating through God
And God was walking down an empty street
And God was an Alien
And God was the empty pages of history
And God was in the woods
And God was vlogging about his last days on earth
And God was reading something strange on a forum
And God was fighting a shadow to remember
And God clicked the play button and was confused, but God kept watching and God watched past the credits (because God knew there were extra bits after the credits):

 

Silently, God watched as words appeared in his mind

and continued to read...

 

***

 

Hours Sat: 76

Hours sat this week: 26

Current daily average: 3.6

start date now June 27, wtf?

 

Experiences

Hell on earth

Glimpses of unity

 

 

Insights

I'm fucked.

 

 

I reverse-engineered this bit of marketing psychology to help leverage my willpower.

Step 1: Acknowledge that I have been triggered
Step 2: Ask myself if I want the behaviour to occur (y/n)
Step 3: Determine whether the the behaviour is difficult (ability)
Step 4: Visualise the positive/negative sides of the activity until my motivation crosses the threshold and the behaviour does/doesn't occur

 

eg.

Alarm goes off for meditation (trigger set previously)
Acknowledge I have been triggered to begin meditating
Decide I want the behaviour to occur
Determine that the behaviour is difficult
Spend time visualising the positive effects of meditation until motivation increases to match ability.

Next thing I know I'm meditating.

 

It seems much easier to use my willpower in 4 small steps than in 1 big one, like I've put it through a pulley system. It could just be that the meditation is gathering its own momentum and I'm getting sucked out into space, the next most logical step

the great unknown. 'cause I thought what I didn't know, I couldn't miss...
and then I entered the atmosphere of a new planet...

 

***

 

Next weeks post will be late because I'm simulating a retreat until Monday. I also want to write down everything I currently think I know about enlightenment. Yes it's pointless, i'm just meat, just making sounds, etching pixels into your computer screen

 

Je me … ox
… ox herding
… kundalini

 

Forget it, I'll just have the fish and chips

Don't get involved.

 

***

And God was a cam puss

F.U.N.

Edited July 16, 2016 by Marc Schinkel

[askdfjnak]

Week 4

 

 

 

 

***

Hours Sat: 105

Hours sat this week: 29

Current daily average: 3.75

 

 

 

Experiences:

The opening sit of the week was one of the worst experience I've had in my entire life.

My alarm went off at 4:00am but I only started at 4:30 because it was freezing and I was feeling lazy. The first few minutes were pretty normal but I lost track of time completely after that point.
Gradually the resistance welled up inside of me like battery acid was leaking over my organs. My heart started pounding, I started shaking. It felt like my head was going to explode, both from the physical feeling of pressure and the barrage of thoughts that started hitting me from all sides. As the resistance deepened I started to feel physically ill all over my body, like my veins were filled with hot tar. I remember once I drank an entire bottle of vodka on a night out and ended up begging for death on the floor of a nightclub toilet. This was exactly like that, combined with strong negative emotions and negative thought.
I started retching; physically trying to vomit, my stomach was empty though so nothing came up.
My room couldn't have been more than 5 degrees but I was drenched in sweat.
I just sat there and remembered Mooji talking about Sri Ramana Maharishi:

 

 

I said to myself “there's nothing back there for you”

The pain in my ass, knees, back and ankles intensified as time progressed. I literally felt like a resistor in a circuit would feel if it had a nervous system and gradually had more and more electric current pushed through it with increasing voltage. I have no idea how long this lasted but it felt like a thousand years.

Then in the space of about 5 seconds I dropped into a new dimension.

It felt like bomb diving into a swimming pool where the implosion of cool water hits your entire body at once. Every single muscle in my body relaxed and I went into deep REM. All of the activity of my mind ripped apart like an engine that had run past its max rpm and had run out of oil. All words lost their meaning and I separated out from the mind completely, I could "see" it just as a movement of energy in front of "me". The pain in my body/emotional centres felt like it was being sucked out of me. A bit like if you open all the windows of a house on a hot summers day and a cool breeze rushes in.

The really painful parts of my body still felt the same but the relationship to the pain changed 100%. If you are holding your hands in a fire it's excruciating but if your hands are near a fire on a cold day its beautiful. In both cases the fire is the same. The pain was the same before and after “the drop” but now the pain was kind of beautiful. This is the best analogy I could come up with.

I finished the sit, everything was completely the same as before; I felt “normal-ish" is what I mean, but I was still completely blown away by what had happened. I didn't know suffering could just stop so rapidly like that and I didn't know it was possible to go so far out of the mind. I've observed thoughts before but this was like a whole new layer of depth that was added, beyond description.

I did 3 more 3 hour sits on Monday and then 4 3 hour sits on Tuesday.

 

***

 

Every day when my alarm goes off my inner voice goes “I'm up, I'm up, I'm up” and then I reach over and turn it off. On Wednesday for some reason my alarm went off and I said to myself “I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake” and I turned it off. I sat for a few moments and then just burst out laughing. I'm awake. Of course! I'm awake! That's all I've ever been! I've experienced this fundamental shift many times but it's still just as surprising and relieving to realise it again.

 

 

I instantly shifted from bear down to ease up meditation. I was beginning to get abiding paraesthesia down the front of my legs so I switched to sitting in a chair. It was just sitting, no effort or determination or willpower, I wasn't trying to sit still. I also wasn't just sitting physically, internally I was just sitting in “awake-ness” I prefer to say this instead of awareness because it's easier for me to understand and feel, but its consciousness/god/the witness/awareness that I'm talking about. I took my seat fundamentally as the awakened mind. This is where “choosing” enlightenment becomes possible. This guy articulates what I was trying to describe a few weeks ago with the term "willing":

 

 

… And so I sat, like a king I consulting with his people I practised recognising my “awake-ness” in everything that happened to me.

 

[sound] bird chirps (ok next)

[feeling] peaceful sensations in thorax (ok next)

[thought] You're not awake (ok next)

[thought] (in response to previous thought) LOL! what the fuck are you talking about, of course he's awake it wouldn't be possible for you to exist if he wasn't awake. (ok next)

[sound] dog barks (ok next)

[physical sensation] PAIN (ok next)

[thought] mental image of me writing about this (ok next)

[thought] you should stop updating your journal, enlightened people are quiet (ok next)

[feeling] feeling of shame (ok next)

… and so on.

 

There's no attempt at manipulation, just allowing everything to be as it is when it arrives, when its present and when it leaves. It's tricky to talk about because I've heard the same things over and over again, but now I actually get it. Its so obvious and at the same time paradoxically impossible, there isn't anyone to do non-manipulation, awake-ness is already the substrate in which everything happens, like fish swimming in the water. Everything that happens is only possible because I'm awake, of course I'm not awake, I'm in that which is awake.

 

I just continued sitting in a chair. A chair is much easier because there's not as much pain and you don't have to concentrate so much on your body sensations/posture. I didn't record these hours, so all of my recorded hours are those that I spent meditating on my knees in front of a wall.

 

***

 

On Friday it happened, what I've been trying to get to. I sat down and just kept watching and allowing, letting my resistance gradually erode away and at one point I was just awake. I heard the sound of the birds chirping but it was just the bird chirping. Not like bird over there, I'm here, oh there's the beginning of the bird chirping and now its done, no: JUST THE BIRD CHIRPING.

I looked at the wall and all there was just the wall, tears were streaming down, laughter happening, dog barking, pain happening. This is literally impossible to describe because its so present there isn't even anyone there to collect details to write about, storing memories, thinking up analogies, shit just happens. I've only experienced this for a few brief moments in my life but only under extraordinary circumstances, never as result of meditation. I suspect that as I continue practising and eroding away my ego structures through the process of purification these states will become more frequent/permanent.

 

I now really, really get what Adyashanti was talking about in the first video I linked to in my first post, its a state of willingly allowing yourself to fall away by taking your seat as consciousness - a ritual suicide ha ha. I thought I got it before, and I kinda did but now its become a fully realised teaching in me, purification has become conscious; I've developed the taste for it. I don't have to motivate myself into sitting anymore. I want to sit for 6 hours a day now.

 

The process is quite terrifying, even outside of meditation. As I'm typing this I'm feeling the joints of my fingers scattering randomly around some keys, stringing together words out of nowhere to create something that has meaning. It's all happening on it's own and I have no control over any of it. I don't even have control over the fear that comes up as a result of realising that I have no control. All I can do is watch. All I shall do is watch with equanimity, and allow that aspect of me to gradually subside, and I know it's going to take as long as it takes.

 

***

 

I'm going to add notes to my journal because there are so many things I want to document. I don't intend to try and teach or explain anything for its own sake. I just want to document how I'm thinking/feeling/rationalising through this process so that I can see any traps that I fall into and in the event of something bad happening, my notes will serve as an example of what not to do. I've found journaling to be a really useful tool to gaining insight into myself. DO NOT take anything I add here as gospel, or right, or wrong for that matter. Its just a journal and I'm still very immature spiritually so I don't really know what I'm talking about.

 

These are some videos/speeches/songs that I used to watch to help G-up emotionally and psychologically in addition to my vision video. i don't need them anymore, but they were useful for me so I'll share them:

 

Videos:

An Invocation for Beginnings

Meet the Hero

Go all the way

Lil dicky album trailer

 

Olan rogers apparel adverts; good balance of    hilariousness : seriousness  because that's what the spiritual journey is.

Spring

Fall

 

Songs:

Extrodanary machine

Yellow Flicker Beat

 

Edited July 25, 2016 by Marc Schinkel

[askdfjnak]

Notes

 

 

[askdfjnak]

Week 5

 

 

***

 

Hours Sat: 111

Hours sat this week: 6

Current daily average: 3.2

 

I only meditated on my knees in front of my wall for 1 hour per day this week. I then did a 5 hour sit in my chair every afternoon/night, I didn't record the hours in the chair. The paraesthesia in my lower legs has now completely gone so I will be continuing on my knees this week. I have found that if I rotate my legs outwards (duck feet) I can keep all of the muscle mass down the front of my leg off of the ground and rest on the bones of the inside of my knees and the top of my feet. i shouldn't have any more problems.

To start making up lost time I'm going to try to do 2x4hr sits every day this week except Friday because I have to go to university.

I wrote an apology letter to the dean of my university asking if I could be let back in to finish my degree after being expelled.
This week I found myself strolling through campus ready to begin the new semester. The first class I attended was a 3 hour practical with about 150 other people. I had no idea what was about to hit me.

 

I found myself standing totally alone in what felt like a blood bath of suffering. Amidst the taught backs, clenched jaws, tense shoulders, nervous laughter, vice grip handshakes, averted gazes, self deprecating humour, anxious small talk and apprehensive note taking I stood, horrified by how tense everyone was.
After the first hour I left for the bathroom and locked the door. I couldn't believe how out of touch I'd become. I clenched the a basin and stared at my reflection. A terrifying question welled up in my eyes; am I going to have to live the rest of my life watching people starve under the weight of their identities?

 

I left with the moral conviction of a saint, determined to find the ultimate map or method to enlightenment. I hardly slept at all this week (<2hrs per day). I paced up and down my passage, racking my brain through every teaching I've encountered trying to find “the teaching”
On Thursday I thought I would listen to some music to help calm me down, before I knew it it was 12am and my phone bleeped, telling me that I had just reached a new daily step count.

 

 

I walked over 20 kilometres just pacing up and down my passage trying to crack “teaching spirituality”

I went to bed, feeling hopelessly lost. The next morning while I was meditating my dad slid a note under my door. I heard him walk out the house and drive away. When my timer finished I picked up the note which read “going to town to get some food”
I smiled and wrote “OK” and then slid it back under my door into the empty passage. I chuckled to myself before a cold realisation sunk down into me.

 

I am alone.

Not just in a personal sense. I mean absolutely.

Since I'm a fiction, everybody else is too.

Our words and thoughts criss-cross the void, landing in empty spaces, soon to be blown away in the winds of time.

There's nothing I can do to hold on to the people I love, or even hate.
Talking to others is no different to talking to myself; in the same way that thoughts just “appear” in my mind, thought, gestures, sounds and words just “appear” out of others without any control or autonomous authorship. Meaning happens in the spaces between us, and then it leaves, quietly.

I am alone, even in company.

 

I broke down to tears when I realised my attempts to try to strategise and share spirituality are really just an attempt to run away from the truth that I am alone. It also struck me with crystal clarity that there is nothing that I can do about it.

When I went to bed that last night I was crying tears of joy and laughing at the absurdity of it all. One of the most beautiful paradoxes I've ever realised is that even though I am absolutely alone, like absolutely, completely alone. I am also completely free to enjoy being “together” with everyone and everything as myself. I can be completely surrounded and yet absolutely alone, or completely alone yet absolutely surrounded; in the throws of a passionate love affair with the field of existence before me.

I can “do” things without doing them.

I can “say” things without saying them.

I can “be” without being.

I can “feel” without feeling.

I feel so free and ethereal and at the same time completely completely absolute zero 0K grounded. Reality is a spectacle dancing its way through me and to me. I am unmoving, everything passes through me and yet everything is me and so move with it. IT IS SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!

Me typing this for you is also so absurd. It's exactly the same as if I were to type to my mirror reflection, and any response that arrives from the outside world would be exactly like if my mirror reflection started talking to me. 

***

 

[askdfjnak]

Notes

Our need to be significant traps us.

 

 

 

 

I've been think a lot about how the rise of technology and social media has slowly evolved into a mirror of our internal states. One thing that has really blown my mind is that it's not really possible to have an ego without being surrounded by other egos.

As Ze Frank described in the video I posted last week, most of us cant comprehend different facets of being without comparing ourselves to other people, and other people to us. What we've essentially developed is a complex interconnected structure that keeps all of us deluded.
It's really quite beautiful in a way. We get to live out our entire lives interacting with other people without ever getting to know anyone, and never getting to know ourselves.

 

 

 

Social media is just an externalised rendition of what we do basically 24 hours a day unconsciously. After considering how much time we might spend prepping the content that we want to share, I realised that we spend a tremendous amount of energy modelling other people ideas of us and then modelling how we are going to live into that image and model adaptive strategies to cope in a world that's constantly changing. Do you know how much brain power that must take up? Its no wonder people struggle to be creative or spend their days engaged in vacuous low quality relations, anything more would fry our brains.

 

 

Entering higher consciousness states seems to happen when we are “alone” because our creative capacities aren't being so heavily exploited by a functioning ego.

 

 

I disagree that we shouldn't try to make these sates permanent, they must absolutely become permanent! That's the goal of all spiritual work right?
I think I've found the linchpin that will help undo this whole mess; our need to matter or be significant. If we can consciously undo our need to "be" somebody we can free up a lot of our own potential.

 

 

As children we don't really give a shit about what other people are thinking of us or our relative position in society or the world at large, as a result we are usually far more relaxed and creative. Slowly as we age our need to define ourselves becomes greater and greater even to the point of wanting to impact the whole world. Hank alludes to the benefits of regressing this neurotic desire back to simply caring about the people who matter to you. I say go even further, become a nobody, so that not even the people who matter to you can influence your sense of self.

The more you do it the more power you gain. You become more creative, more emotionally stable, you have fewer neurotic desires, your capacity to focus increases, you have more free time. The list goes on.

 

That is the goal of spiritual work. To become extra-ordinary, as Sadhguru puts it. It really is the key to becoming extraordinary.

What a fucking paradox.

[askdfjnak]

Notes:

An In depth analysis of morality and decision making:

 

 

 

Edited August 7, 2016 by Marc Schinkel

[askdfjnak]

Notes:

SDS training wheels; how to increase SDS time rapidly
 

WARNING: experimental technique

 

I thought I would just briefly cover how I increased my SDS time from 1 to 3+ hours overnight for anyone who is interested.
I combined technology, with some knowledge of physiology, yoga and hypnosis. I'll briefly describe exactly what I did and the theory behind it. In this video Shinzen Young explains how becoming goal oriented in SDS time rather than in psychological transformation can be a hindrance in spiritual development, so it's something to keep in mind. The goal is not to see how much you can take.

 

Firstly, to be able to sit longer you need to develop your concentration, sensory clarity and equanimity. I presume that these are higher brain functions that happen in the neo-cortex/ frontal lobes. The Ted talk below explains how stress in the body causes a “self-lobotomy” of higher brain function. The biggest factor in this mental shut-down is irregular heart rate.

 

 

It turns out that you can influence your heart rate by controlling your breath, there are a lot of details to how this works (you can follow your nose around these journal articles if you want to learn more about this)
To cut a long story short, when you inhale your heart rate increases and when you exhale it decreases. To keep your heart rate regular the time you spend inhaling and exhaling in each breath needs to be constant and even, you can watch how Neil's rate increases and decreases evenly after he begins the breathing exercise.

 

To lower your average heart rate the inhale should be shorter than the exhale, i.e. you spend less time increasing (inhale) and more time decreasing (exhale). You can increase your heart rate by doing the opposite - take long deep inhales and rapidly exhale. This is a cool hack I use to help me wake up quickly in the morning, it gets my blood pumping fast so I can metabolise the sleep hormones quickly.

 

The problem is, when you begin this process you have low concentration and sensory clarity so you won't be able to keep it up very long. This is where I incorporated technology, yoga and self-hypnosis. I sampled one line from Sadhguru's isha kriya meditation  using audacity (a free audio editing program) and put it on my phone to play in a loop. The idea is to take and hold the two thoughts:

“I am not this body”
“I am not even the mind”

with inhalation and exhalation respectively. Notice that this ensures that your inhale will be shorter than your exhale and the duration will be the same for every full breath. This is what we want to keep your heart rate low and regular, and your higher brain function running so you can practice concentration clarity and equanimity better.

 

With each inhalation and thought “I am not this body” I “felt” my entire body, washing my attention over the whole thing, noting any sensations, emotions and practising equanimity to the best of my ability with anything I felt.

 

Then when I switched my attention to exhaling and the thought “I am not even the mind” I practised witnessing the internal talk and images that arose as I said “I am not even this mind”

 

The subconscious mind is programmed by plain repetition, so as you're doing this you are basically brainwashing yourself to dissociate from the body and the mind to the witnessing state.

 

I also used the insight mediation app to sound interval bells every 30 minutes, because it makes it easier to keep going when you have an idea of how much time you've done.

 

Over the coming week I increased the time between interval bells until I was able to sit the full 3 hours without any time reference, then I stopped using the audio and was able to sit motionless, for a full 3 hours without any mantras or tech within a week.

 

Additional notes:

Begin with a growth mindset, your first sits don't have to be perfect. If you have to move to readjust your back or whatever then do it, an imperfect long sit is better than a perfect short sit because you will work through more resistance, it doesn't take long to perfectly still. To get a good posture I visualised a helium balloon taped to the top of my head gently pulling it up to the sky. I eventually found the sweet spot where my back was straight and stable without using any muscles. I noticed that breathing was difficult when my back/abdominal muscles were too contracted. You could just start out in a chair which would make this easier.

 

[askdfjnak]

Week 6

 

 

 

Death approaches.

My vision shall hold.

 

May he dislodge the roots of ignorance

and cast the weeds aside.

 

That I may relish life,

with the freedom of a dead man.

 

 

 

 

Edited August 7, 2016 by Marc Schinkel

[askdfjnak]

Notes

The fourth wall:

A metaphor for the gate-less gate, the joke of life and the trap of stories.
 

In the same way that being pulled out of a movie actually makes it more engaging, becoming more detached from life makes it more fulfilling.

I like to think of the ego as an artist trying to portray a better version of reality. It needs to use stories to do this and so it's fundamentally limited, in the same way movies are.

Edited August 14, 2016 by Marc Schinkel

[askdfjnak]

Notes

The Evolution of Creativity, Meaning and Awareness Through Life and Death

 

I know it sounds quite morbid but I've been contemplating death pretty much all-day everyday for a few months now. Initially it was sad and terrifying as it is for most people, but as my awareness around it grew so did my appreciation for it. It truly is life's greatest gift.

I noticed that as my awareness grew my perspective on life, death, control, creativity and what I found meaningful started to change. I think there is a general pattern a person moves through as they grow through this mess so I wanted to write down my thoughts on it.

 

 

When we usually think of death we think of our death or the deaths of our loved ones. The undeniable inevitability of it or the shock of it actually happening is a rude awakening to the dream like fantasies of the ego. Awareness towards life and our place in life begins to set in. Awareness to the emptiness of what we used to pursue when we were "asleep" also becomes clear.

 

As this awareness grows we become more and more attuned to our lack of control. There is an inverse relationship between our level of awareness and what we believe we can control. This is a key insight that I had. This is why there is increasing internal conflict as we move into higher and higher states of awareness – we are forced to let go of more and more control until eventually we surrender to life.

 

For me the shock of death completely turned my attention inwards and I began to reflect on what was really meaningful to me. The realisation that there was no control over other people or most external circumstances drove me to seek meaning in relationships, in creating things, in contributing, in living with as few regrets as possible. Phrases like “carpe diem” and “do not go gentle into that good night” resonated strongly with me, right now its laughable to think that a day is something to be seized or that the night is something you go into. I had the attitude of Jason Silva in this video:

 

 

 

I think this is what stoicism is at it's core, having enough awareness to know that you can't control everything but too little to realise that trying to control your internal states, your emotions, your thoughts and your attitude is just as futile. Creativity becomes much more central in ones life and it is driven by the conflict between inner and outer.

All creativity is driven by conflict. When a person becomes “creative” in the artistic sense the conflict is internal. The artist wrestles with himself to create out of a sense of obligation to life or urgency in the face of death.

This is where personal development becomes attractive, an attempt is made to gain control over “the self” because it is believed that the only obstacle to achieving whatever it is we want to create is “the self” which is true.

As we become more and more aware of the internal state, the aperture of control constricts again. We begin to realise that we cannot control our thoughts or our emotions, that our behaviour is governed by deeply seeded beliefs that we had no say in adopting, that the very structure of our thoughts is completely fabricated and that there truly is no meaning to anything. For me this was a cause of great despair.
The only thing that offered any kind of relief was meditation and spiritual work. These practices continue to raise awareness to the point that it is realised that death and endings are intrinsic to everything, which of course brings an end to the despair. I like this scene from the last samurai where Katsumoto explains the meaning of Bushido.
 

 

Adyashanti and Sadhguru both discuss the same thing here.

Once awareness has digested life and death into itself then all that remains is unity. There is no creativity driven by conflict anymore, there is no search for meaning to life. Meaning just happens within life. 
"you don't have to fight it anymore, it's not something you have to do battle with" - Adyashanti 
"If you do not know life and death at the same time you are only half alive, which is torture "- Sadhguru 

There is just pure creation and you are that, moving through that, as that.

 

 

***

 

[askdfjnak]

Won't be posting for a while.

[askdfjnak]

Notes

The many dimensions of meaning and meaninglessness.

 

One of the most challenging paradoxes that I have been dealing with recently is the paradox of meaning.
What is meaning exactly?
How is it that a thought is simultaneously meaningful and meaningless?
How is it that a thought can have more than one meaning?
How is it that one meaning can have more than one thought?

I’ve managed to resolve all of these but I have no idea how I will explain it.

All I can do is try.

 

If you look at your “computer” right now you will see that it has defined edges, everything within the boundaries of the computer is defined as “the computer”. If you look around “the computer” you will see that the boundaries of “the computer” draw their meaning from the objects that surround it. “The wall” behind or “the desk” underneath or “the space” between it and whatever happens to be near it.

If you look at “the wall” you will see that it is defined by “the computer” in front and “the desk” in front. If you look at “the desk” you will see that it is defined by “the computer” on top and “the wall” behind.
You can keep doing this for all of the objects and spaces that you see and you will discover that no object or space can be defined without a relationship to another object or space.
Even if your computer was floating in a vacuum it would still be defined by “space” and “space” would be defined by “the computer”.

Reality is a completely closed system of objects that draw their definition from other objects.
No object can exist outside of reality because if it existed outside of reality it would draw its meaning from reality and would therefore be a part of reality.
This is how reality is non-dual.
There is only one reality, with a continuous spectrum of objects in a continuous spectrum of dimension.

Meaning isn’t an object and it doesn’t exist within any object.

Meaning is in the relationship between objects.

There are an infinite number of ways to define an object because reality is a continuous spectrum, to keep my explanation simple I will keep my definition of objects in two discrete categories; physical and metaphysical. A physical object is something like your computer in front of you. A metaphysical object is something like the word “computer” as it happens in your mind.

There are many different dimensions through which objects can relate to each other, to keep my explanation simple I will only cover the dimensions of space, time and vibration.

 

I’m going to begin with language and how words draw their meaning from other words (metaphysical objects draw their meaning from other metaphysical objects).

 

 

 

Two key ideas I got from this clip in waking life are that “words are inert, they’re just sounds, and they’re dead” and that language is a “system of symbols”.
Words as objects on their own are completely meaningless.
If you sit down and repeat the word “word” over and over again a few thousand times or if you hear a word in a language you don’t speak you will understand this.
Words only have meaning when they’re part of a system of other words (language).
Every single word when separated from its language is meaningless, but when it is integrated with the system it has a meaning because of its relationship to all the other words.
This is how words are simultaneously meaningful and meaningless.
If each word is simultaneously meaningful and meaningless then the entire language is simultaneously meaningful and meaningless.

This TED talk provides an incredible demonstration of how meaning is baked into words through language in space and time (I will cover the vibrational aspect later).

 

 

 

The word “computer” draws its meaning from the words that are closely related to it: words like “hard drive” or “monitor” and those words draw their meaning from words that are closely related to them.
If you keep going logically you see that every word depends on every other word within a language.
But a language is not a closed system.
Entire languages draw their meaning from other languages.

If you consider the clustering of related languages on the globe like the Latin languages (French, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian etc.) you will see that they are situated close together geographically (like the individual words in their semantic neighborhoods) and that the words within each language are closely related.
Just like the word astronomy is related to the words science and moon; French is related to the languages Spanish and Italian.
The same goes for languages like German, Dutch, Danish and Polish, Czech, Russian etc.
The further and further you move out geographically the more and more meaningless the words become to a language like French, once you get to Mandarin and Cantonese there is no meaningful relationship between the words in French and the words in Mandarin but they are still dependent upon each other.
Just like if you follow astronomy to moon to light to eye to arm the word arm doesn’t really have a meaningful relationship with the word astronomy but they are still dependent upon each other.

This relationship between words in mental space is not static and fixed.
It is constantly morphing on both the global and individual level through different degrees of time.

If you consider the evolution of the relationships between languages over hundreds of years you would see language groups occupy different geographic areas as a result of conquest, famine, agriculture, technological advancement etc.
This is still happening it’s just not noticeable because it happens over a longer period of time.
But if you consider how individual words within one language relate to each other you would see that the relationships change much more rapidly. For example over the last  two years the words Politics and Trump have moved much closer together in most western minds, but 10 years ago those words would have been very far apart and in another 10 years they will be far apart again (hopefully).

When words are used together in a specific order to be delivered in a set period of time higher order meanings arise.

Just like when you read this sentence.

Each word in the sentence has its own meaning that it draws from the words in its semantic neighborhood, but the entire sentence has its own meaning that it draws from all of the words that have been laid out in this specific order to be read in a specific frame of time.

The first words of this post are completely dead to you now. You only need to be focusing on the small number of words in this exact sentence to gain this exact higher order meaning that will then fit into all of the other higher order meanings from all of the sentences before to get higher, higher order meaning.

 

I’m going to stop here for now because I need to plan the direction of my delivery.
This will probably take me a few days to spit out.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Marc Schinkel

[askdfjnak]

Musical interlude
 

 

[askdfjnak]

Notes

The many dimensions of meaning and meaninglessness

The higher order meaning contained within a sentence is one form of thought.
It’s still overly simplistic because there are other dimensions to thought like mental images and emotions, which I will cover later.

I will continue with meaning that arises from the relationships between words for now.

The algorithm that determined the semantic neighborhoods in the TED video did so by analyzing groups of text which had multiple authors from multiple time periods. This means that the semantic neighborhoods presented are like an average of the relationships between words for a group of people over a long period of time.

In reality every individual has their own unique semantic maps that they have created throughout the course of their lives, and each individuals map is constantly changing as they move through life. This means that the same word literally has different meanings to two different people and the same word can have a different meaning to an individual between two points in time (and this isn’t even yet considering the other dimensions of thought)

For example a person raised by gypsies who were really into astrology would have different words in the neighborhood of the word “astronomy” than a person who was raised by parents with Ph.Ds. in astrophysics. This would then be demonstrated by the words that they use in their sentence structures whenever they are discussing “astronomy”. 

If the gypsy kid was asked about their beliefs surrounding astronomy their sentences would have words that would be very different to the science kid.
Since thought is governed by an individual’s semantic map that individuals beliefs are also governed by their semantic map.
A belief is just a higher order thought that a person habitually thinks.
Therefore the fastest way to change a person’s beliefs is to change their semantic map.

An individual’s semantic map is informed by their environment: the people that surround them. And the individuals that comprise a group inform the average semantic map of the group.

The fastest way to change an individual’s semantic map is to move them to a different group. This is uncomfortable because initially there is a low transfer of meaning between individuals from two different groups. The fastest way to change the semantic map of the group is to assert yourself and constantly repeat the same things over and over again, without wavering under group pressure. This is also uncomfortable.

As the lady in the waking life clip suggests. "There is an almost spiritual communion that happens when we feel like we’re understood, and in a way, that’s what we live for."

If a French person went to Wales and started trying to interact with the people there the group wouldn’t understand the Frenchman and the Frenchman wouldn’t understand the group. Both would feel slightly uncomfortable in each others presence.

If an old English speaking person from New York started hanging out with a group of Welsh teenagers there would be a higher transfer of meaning than between the Frenchman and the people of Wales but there would still be a disconnect because of the differences in semantic groups that have evolved within a language over time and within two separate groups of that language.

To understand people better you have to pay very close attention to the frequency of words that they use within a particular context.

There’s one more aside that I want to add regarding the higher order meanings that arise from sentence structures. Different languages literally provide the native speakers with different thought abilities.

This guy explains how some Aboriginal Australians always know which direction they’re travelling and how people who speak English and Germanic languages are literally forced to refer to everything within the context of time – something that is extremely limiting especially when trying to explore spirituality.
 

 

 

[askdfjnak]

Case study:

A neurotic teenager in search of treasure fails to notice the multiple meanings of words within different contexts and ends up finding death at the hands of a Serial Killer in Wales.
Or does he?
 

 

[askdfjnak]

Weeks 7-10

 

I’ve been struggling a bit recently and I wanted to share a technique that I’ve been using for the past year or so that really helps you get your shit together.

I was really resistant to posting this but the technique is too powerful to keep to myself. It’s probably already a thing I just haven’t heard of before.

It’s basically journaling but with a twist. You write to and from yourself as yourself.
I like to pretend I’m sending slightly formal emails to a best friend.
This is different to regular journaling because you have to question and answer yourself in a rhythmic back and forth dialogue, as opposed to just writing about anything.
What you’re about to read is going to appear absolutely crazy but there are a few reasons that it’s really effective to raise your own self-awareness and resolve some unconscious issues.
 

1. Sitting down and actually typing/handwriting to yourself forces you to really consider your thoughts and organize them into a clear message. It’s different to contemplation/meditation because in those practices your thoughts are usually so rapid and incoherent that you don’t resolve anything within the realm of thoughts. You might read what I wrote below and just brush it off as stupid mental chat but that’s because you don’t appreciate the pace at which you have to think when you write to yourself, especially if you’ve never journaled before.
   You’ll read this in a few minutes and it’s not really relevant to whatever your issues are but it took me about 30 minutes to write and it’s all about me, for me, to me, from me.
    
2. Sitting and writing to yourself as if you were writing to a friend is a really good way to practice self-love and self-honesty. These are by far the biggest assets you can have on a personal development/enlightenment journey. I haven’t been doing personal development long but I have no doubt in my mind that self-honesty is like 99% of the game and it’s really difficult to practice self-honesty if you don’t love yourself so it’s just as important.

 

I just start by writing about something that is bugging me or whatever the issue is and then I reply as a wise old friend/spouse and I see where it goes. It always delivers results.

 

Just as long as I keep writing and letting the conversation go wherever it goes. I usually write a full conversation then I come back in a few hours or the next morning and I read it before deleting everything.
This is also different to a regular journal, I think.
This helps me keep the conversation absolutely free and open, which is the key.
 

I haven’t done it for a few months, but I’m going to commit to doing it at least once a week from now on.

 

 

***

 

>Hi Marc,

It’s time we talked.

There are a lot of things that you have been avoiding/half-assing recently, like your schoolwork, your meditation practice, your family, your job, your exercise. I would like to know why.

Regards, Marc

 

 

>Hi Marc,

I don’t really know why, it’s just sort of snuck up on me.
One minute I was killing it, the next I’m face planting into the dirt. You know, same old shit.
I think the recent social validation I’ve been receiving has been a part of the problem.
I was crafty enough to turn the good emotions from social acceptance into a new desire. The need to fulfill that desire led to the creation of a new self-image that I’ve been feverishly trying to maintain, once again.

I’m even doing it now! I’m imagining how I’m going to post this on the Actualized.org forum and people are going to look at my vulnerability and they’re going to love it! They’re going to LOVE ME! And if they LOVE ME I WILL FINALLY GET TO BE HAPPY!

I’m avoiding my work because it makes the people around me ANGRY and DISAPPOINTED or INTIMIDATED by me. If they’re angry at me they are paying attention to me, if they’re paying attention to me I have power! With power I HAVE CONTROL!

Regards, Marc

 

 

>Hi Marc,

I see where you’re coming from, but I think you and I both know that’s a load of bullshit. We’ve been down this road before.
I mean, it kind of works for a while. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t keep getting suckered into it, but it always fails.
You know this, I know this and everybody around you knows this. How about we quit while we’re ahead and get back to authenticity and truth before this gets ugly?

Regards, Marc

 

 

>Hi Marc,

I want to, I really really want to.

… but if I’m honest I think I’d just be giving you lip service if I said OK.
There’s still something I haven’t resolved yet … something feels off.

I think because I’ll post this online later it kind of defeats the purpose. I’m not really having a private conversation with you, I have an imaginary audience so I’m careful about what I say.
Half of my mind is preoccupied with constructing an example of my journal process that I’m going to show to people.
Since I still have some insecurities about what people think of me I’m holding back. I can’t be truly honest right now because I’m afraid of what people might think. We’ve written some crazy shit before.

Regards Marc

 

 

>Hi Marc,

That makes sense.
You know, it’s OK to be scared.
It’s perfectly natural, what matters is how you choose to deal with it.
You can either move into your fear and purify your mind a little more, or you can regress back into a state of avoidance and neuroticism.

With your current level of awareness that’s going to suck BIG TIME. I’m gonna save you some trouble and shoot you straight. You’ve gone off the rails a bit so the next few days are going to suck.  

If you think about it you don’t really have a choice right now, either you choose to move head first into whatever it is that you’re afraid of and make some progress quickly, or you can avoid it until the suffering forces you to do it anyway, slowly.

You’ve always been a rip-the-band-aide-off kind of guy. This is who you are, you’re brave and I don’t mean that in an egoistic sense. It’s something in your very core you’ve always been brave.
And not brave in that weird masculine Hollywood way either, brave in that you’re willing to be vulnerable, willing to be honest, willing to live in truth. The true kind of bravery.

Regards Marc

 

 

> Hi Marc,

Geez you sure know how to turn on the water works. The people are going to think this is so weird, but fuck ‘em.

Love you bro,

Marc

 

 

>I got you

 

 

>Hi Marc,

That was hilarious, but I think if you’re really honest you’re just trying to cover up your vulnerability with your sense of humor again. There’s nothing wrong with a good laugh, just don’t use it as a cop out. You’ve also been using it to bring people down a little bit recently. Not cool man.

Regards Marc

 

>Touché, my friend, touché

 

> aww shucks

I think that’s a wrap, anything else?

 

 

>I want to talk about university.

 

>Shoot

 

>I fucking hate that place. The only reason I’m going is to keep my parents happy and so that the money I’ve invested isn’t just flushed down the toilet. I mean I’m nearly finished but I just can’t bring myself to do my work. I just want to walk away from it all.

 

(I had to leave for a bit here, incidentally)

 

>Hi Marc,

Sorry for the late reply. If you ask me your avoidance stems from the same issue of maintaining your image, the image of the bad ass. You’ve seen the dean so many times now he might try to add you on Facebook, and for what? Does that make you cool? I read in your journal that the key to becoming extraordinary is to become extra-ordinary.

You know what ordinary people do?

They finish their degrees. Most of them drag their feet and complain about it, but they finish.

An extra-ordinary person would do it joyfully, because that would require true mastery of the present moment. Something which you have not yet managed to do. Your work is therefore a tool that you can use to your advantage.

That which stand’s in the way is the way.

You know this, now embody it.

Regards Marc

 

>Hi Marc,

Again, your theory is sound
... and I want to, I really really want to. 
... but again I would still just be giving you lip service if I said OK.
I don’t really know why I won’t do it. I’m still unconscious of something that is preventing me from truly embodying that ideal.
I feel like if I sit now and try to type something for the sake of typing I am really still just evading it
… No, that’s bullshit, I just don’t want to ramble in front of my imaginary audience.

Fuck ‘em this is my journal and I do what I want.

Wait … I just realized that I don’t want to write about myself because I like being mysterious and aloof. That’s another fucking identity that I live into. Jesus Christ.

Regards Marc

 

>Hi Marc,

Oh, you’ve hit a nerve there buddy. I can totally see how you do that. What do you think that has to do with your school work?

Regards Marc

 

>Hi Marc,

If I did my school work without a word or care in the world I would become more ordinary. Nobody would notice me. Nobody would ask about me. I wouldn’t hear people talking about me. I wouldn’t see people’s body language change when I walk into a room. I would be nobody. I know that’s where my freedom lies but it still scares the shit out of me.

I think we’ve done enough for now.

Regards Marc

 

 

>Aww  

 

 

>we’ll talk later, when the kids are asleep  

 

 

***

 

I’ve spent the last few weeks without a phone so I’ve actually done more than this, but I’ll just pick up from this number. I’ll do the calculations next Sunday. I don’t have much time to meditate at the moment because of work/life commitments. New PB is 5.5 hours equanimity gainz.

 

 

***

 

 

All of this reminded me of one of Sadhguru’s videos where he talks about the importance of self-honesty and a commitment to truth.

 

 

[JKG]

@Marc Schinkel Your journaling technique sounds a bit like the 3-2-1-process as described in this article.