How to let go of a friend

[28 cm unbuffed]

I was trying to help a friend of mine for the longest time now, way too long. I understand his problem fully (to an extent, that I can understand that as a separate human being), I did everything that I could to help him, told him what his problem is and where it comes from (trauma stuff, that I had too, really similar case). 

Although all of that, he still doesn't give a fuck and does nothing to change his life. Yet me and friend of mine are still trying to help him. It robs us from our lifes.

I know it's my decision to just cut him off, stop talking to him, etc, don't get me wrong - I did everything of that already, but it didn't help, because somehow, I always managed to trick myself into getting back in contact with him and I want to break this fucking loop once and forever.

Edited April 30, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[meow_meow]

The relationship between you and your friend is as real as your relationship with a bottle or a table, or any other object.
It's completely fictive. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@meow_meow

What do you mean by that? Was it literally what you meant or it had some kind of metaphysical woo-woo meaning? (we are all one, there is no separation etc.)

Edited April 30, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[universe]

11 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

@meow_meow

What do you mean by that? Was it literally what you meant or it had some kind of metaphysical woo-woo meaning? (we are all one, there is no separation etc.)

The latter.

While this is true, it does seem like you are seeing him more as "project" than as a friend. No offense.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@universe

Yes, I see him more as "some part of me that is still in my consciousness and needs healing", more than a friend and fellow human being.

He is a representation of my old, lazy, crybaby self. The project is to get rid of this from me. 

 

[Forestluv]

48 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I understand his problem. I did everything that I could to help him, told him what his problem is and where it comes from.

He still doesn't give a fuck and does nothing to change his life. 

Then the problem is not his - the problem is yours. 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

@Raptorsin7I found my candidate it's not cetus.

Aldo I do agree. 

[karltiboleng]

An excerpt from The Power of Now that really resonated with me and I think really applies here: 

"The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate - in love - or move ever more deeply into the Now together - into Being."

I don't think it necessarily has to be a romantic relationship in this case, I feel that this applies to any relationship with another person. Wanting to help another but then suffering because the other doesn't act the way you expect them to - it's ego. Will you only be satisfied when they act like you want them to? Living in expectancy of something only leads to disappointment. Wanting to help another is a noble cause, no doubt, more people should do it, but the important thing is to detach from outcome, because that isn't in your control.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@zeroISinfinity huh?

@Serotoninluv yeah, is it a false sense of responsibility for others or something like that?

@karltiboleng I get that, conceptually, but I have no idea what I can do about it in practice

[karltiboleng]

@28 cm unbuffed For me, consciously "stepping out" and becoming self-aware of your everyday thoughts and actions really helps. Notice those moments when you feel like getting back into contact with your friend. Like cutting an addiction, consciously pull away from those moments that you feel this way. Meditation during these moments really helps as well, to stop yourself from acting how you don't want to actually act. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by karltiboleng

[LastThursday]

2 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

Although all of that, he still doesn't give a fuck and does nothing to change his life.

If you've done all you can, why not respect your friend's wishes? If he doesn't want to change why force it on him?

2 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I always managed to trick myself into getting back in contact with him and I want to break this fucking loop once and forever.

I think once you give up trying to help him, you will be less conflicted. Your relationship with your friend will change, but give it time.

 

[Zanoni]

I do not know what the exact situation is but I think I had a similair one. What i did is I started to change myself, like quit smoking and started excercising i.e. started to focus on the healthier things in life which did not resonate with my friends. Unfortunately I had to take the all or nothing approach and leave all friends aside and not only one, as we were like a solid group and if I would befriend one I had to befriend all. And live a life that is of no interest to them.

Just decide to leave him alone cold turkey and do not look back, he will understand and find other people to hang out with. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@karltiboleng I think it's something that ego is playing with me - if I will think about others and use my mind to fix others' problems, I will not have to concentrate on my life and my own problems. I figured that out some time ago, yet, I still have these thoughts.

I meditate on them, maybe I should focus more on when they occur and what they are blocking from my experience from me to see, correct?

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Zanoni I'm in a moment in my life, where I have to cut the past and I think all of what is happening is just a fear in a nutshell.

I fear to lose my old identity, my old self, my old friends. It's fucked up because my old self was a piece of shit. Why would I care about letting that one go and become the new, better me? Preposterous.

 

[karltiboleng]

@28 cm unbuffed Yea I think so! Sounds like you have to turn inward more.

[Hardik]

On 30/04/2020 at 7:36 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

he still doesn't give a fuck and does nothing to change his life. Yet me and friend of mine are still trying to help him.

  @28 cm unbuffed  Remember This.

Some People's Are Beyond of "HELP"

 

Just Let It Go, Bro.

Just Let It Go.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Hardik