From Neuroticism To Serenity

[Alex K]

I do have rajas. I do have karma. I do need to be a karma yogi before I become a sanyasi.
How do I know? Because I suffer in work, I suffer in learning, I suffer in leisure, I have 
active bad habits.

I do not have a powerful contemplative mind. When I try to be contemplative, I got thoughts and actions which carry me away.

Act of knowing is awareness. When you are aware yor know. Knower is awareness. Awareness is knowledge.
Removing ignorance is gaining awareness. Possibility field of forms takes form of knowledge in Maya. 
Transcending into pure awareness transcends past knowledge - into everything. Actions and objects
are a form of knowledge. Experience is knowledge too. It's impermanent. How can an action be knowledge?

Wherever somethin like this happens I should go into meditation. Or music suprisingly or eating )=?.
Read on dharma. I think programming is just that for now for me.

I do not want to care anymore, I want to know. I don't want to be an ignorant rajasic-tamasic person because what is the point? If I can be in bliss why should I be desiring? Fuck desires, fuck fears, fuck self judging, fuck doubting each miniscule pleasure.

Thanks to math, bits of physics, psychology, SC, philosophy, neo teachers and now Advaita Vedanta, I already know the Truth. Everything is this factual math field of possibility a.k.a. physics multiverse a.k.a. information field a.k.a. phylosophy knowledge field a.k.a psychology/Advaita Vedanta awareness field. This is the only thing and our universe is a fold within it with us being complex little subfolds. All the folds but no separate entities. Everything is just one giant arational folded entity. This is a belief or a model but there are no facts which tell this model is not correct thus it must be true (no it must not, you're just creating a pet theory - stop it you dumbass). Everything is connected, anywhere we look there is no separation. Any law of physics ends up in no separation between anything (uncertainty principle means we do not know where and how a force carrying particle starts to communicate with a particle of matter. I just came up with idea that at that point Maya engine reshapes itself and for us inside it just looks like uncertainty in natural world. Ofcourse it's strange if world consists of separate granular quants of everything. But is perfectly logical if this particles interaction is an intricate refolding of single entity during which there are intermediate states of folding which do not carry any precise "natural world" meaning or "show" or "interpretation". Hanging and loading periods of computer does not carry any real meaning for us - we just do not understand what is going on inside, when there is a very intricate process of reshaping the memory going on). All separations are human abstractions. Quant can just be the smallest size of a fold of awareness in Maya. Speed of light can just be the highest speed of falling of this smallest folds dominos of Maya, basically a viscosity of Maya. It is not scientific because it's infallible. Awareness is every possibility so anything we can predict to be impossible can actually be possible in Maya. To make predictions with this we need to restate all principles of physics in terms of this folds - a math model. And evtl. I'm not that good at math.

Ofcourse Advaita Vedanta would not tell us all this - because it's complex and unneeded when there is a much easier instrument - burning devotional desire to be liberated from suffering. But abscence of such things makes me believe I'm a program in my brain and all this enlightenment is BS. Well, the brain is a program in Maya. And program in it is a program in Maya too. So I'm a program in Maya. What is told is that I have a weak acceess to infinite Awareness outside of Maya and I can get there buy contemplating knowledge and self inquiry on top of cultivating calm - sattva. Moreover, there are tons of people who claim they "self inquiry. Why? Because it seems so stupid as fuck. So so fucking stupid. But I want to get enlightened. It's stupid but very complicated which makes it even more stupid. Why is it stupid and complicated? Because it has like 25 formal steps, 50 pitfalls, you need juiciest parts of your day to waste on it and you need to do it for hundreds of hours with no returns whatsoever. And it sounds legit to lots of people. And it appeals to burning desire and weakness in ourselves. How sick and stupid is that? I'd say crazy sick and stupid!

Well you don't believe me? You haven't searched for, bought and used illegal drugs? You haven't wasted half a year of income to visit some crazy ashram full of bhati? You can't sit crosslegged motionless for 90 minutes? Well, fuck you, this is not for you, you're piece of shit in my way to greatness. And this is for special open minded evolved people. And you mind your own business, carry on. Die suffering, I have nothing to offer you, I don't know how to help you and I do not care, I have thousand of people who are evolved and open minded and I'll go with them.

I'm projecting somewhat no doubt, but really, really, REALLY, isn't that a Leos message?

Nope, I've reread the topic and the answers and I'm really projecting )))))))

Leo is impartial there, he just pedals the theme we should be working harder than each of us most probably do, nothing like I depict it. There is some hype there as well, but nothing more. Actually some other colleagues pedal some egoistic themes like I've depicted but not Leo.

So why do I project? Well, out of desperation obviously. I should talk to them more and project less. Should I? Should I say I should anything? I really should not should I? Hehe. 

Why do I despair? Well for obvious reasons. My meditation practice crumbles, I am just like 15-20 hours into Vedanta satsang after 1.5 months, I'm still into all that victim stuff, I haven't seriously self inquired yet and time is ticking. Tick tock tick tock tick tock. Be patient, cowboy. Why so serious, you know you care less and less and know more and more and that is the real growth isn't it? Enjoy life my boy.

 

Edited December 31, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Phase 1 Results

So after half year I believe I got some basics of meditation practice in place:

- I am practicing no less than 30 minutes a day most days.

- I understand that I need to incorporate mindfulness practice because I severly lack focus and have exercise to do so.

- I understand forcing 40-minute SDSes can be neurotic crouches for escaping the need to accept reality.

Results are:

- Overwhelming negative emotions are extremely rare and short lived - rage and hatred almost every time (instead of months of despair and apathy)

- I hope I quit one bad habbit I would not name again and for good.

- I know what non duality is and have moderate experience with instruments for pursuing it.

- I finally feel aware at work, chaos subsided for like 90%.

- I don't give a rats ass in lots of situations I did in the past.

- As an overarching result - there is a HUGE drop in suffering for me.

- I start to see:

     - How small do I really know about myself.

     - Anawareness I have during most of the day.

     - Bad habbits, lazy choices, vasanas (habitual bad thoughts and emotions).

     - That I almost never think about anything, just going with fixed readily made solutions I've picked up on different occasions.

Phase 2 planning

For the next half year (typically, till the next lengthy vacation when I have energy and time to dissect and plan like this)

- Going on with establishing my minty fresh composite morning ritual practice consisting of:

  - Well thought-out increasing intervals of do nothing meditation summing up hopefully to an hour, between wich I

  - Go to the bath, brush my teeth

  - Reading my mission statement

  - Do breathing, neck and shoulder, intervalled noting exercises

  - Doing positive affirmations

  Maybe doing yoga and eating.

- Establishing before night meditation summing up to at least 20-30 minutes of do nothing.

Generally I'd say this phase would be about removing bad habbits with cravings and adding good ones.

Removing:

- Eating for pleasure, sugary and fast foods.

- Watching/reading politics pieces, playing video games, watching anime and surfing interntainment hubs esp. youtube clips.

Establishing/growing:

- Flexible non-neurotic diverse meditation practice (as descrived above).

- Self observing practice during normal feeling-like-shit episodes in life (including cravings from bad habbits above), which is the best mature option to work with them and a great option to learn myself which is a crucial part of strategy and growth.

- Going to sleep consistently and early (at 1 a.m. latest).

- Eating healthy.

- I would like to start reading books on self development and programming my aim would be modest 0.5 hours on a weekday for now.

- Thinking, analyzing, planning life short term, mid and long term, adjusting tactics and strategy.

- Pursuing physical culture in forms of yoga and dumbell exercises on top of basics I already have.

- Flexible supportive positive affirmations practice and remembering sedona.

Mid and Long term aims

- start having walks on weekends

- doing programming emotionlessly as dharma for me and evolving a good work ethics for it

- making sense of Advaita Vedanta, becoming a Karma Yogi, diging self inquiry, getting enlightened

- starting learning Hebrew and getting documents, moving to Israel

- losing a good amount of excessive body weight, exercising

- being a good father and learning to live on my own

- digging the mastery concept and living a goal-oriented self-interest-oriented purposeful life

- becoming proactive

- gaining life energy

My life purpose is very generic: I want to be a long-living enlightened benevolent force with a space high consciousness )=.

Edited January 2, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I had an idea that to powerfully swing at dat huge body of planned stuff, it could be very good to create evening, transit and maybe even recreational composite rituals.

[Alex K]

I need to somehow judge my progress on exercises like meditation.

I still have quite some unresolved past trauma problems and shadow problems.

I have low self esteem with long history and thus almost constant anxiety vasana.

I think I need to be aware all the time. I've installed awareness application which prompts for my emotions randomly 8 times a day, potentially I'd up the frequency. I plan that this will give me further insight into my present condition, better my self understanding and build up my awareness muscle. I'll try to stare aware some time after every prompt.

Additionally I've decided to keep a lot of different journals. Evernote for contemplation ideas, results, my problems and solution, strategy etc (Commonplace book in Leo terms). This journal for steps of the way - actualization journal. Writing stuff on paper to clear my system out. Adding concrete one-off things to contemplate, exercises to do into my scheduling app. And a journal for problems & solutions for job because I think it is the single biggest source of my suffering.

Executive strategic judgement! Executive strategic judgement!

My interest is becoming better. Why? Because I don't feel well.

 

Edited January 4, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I've missed on a proper meditation for about a month. 

Now I again instantiate a 30 day do nothing back-up-on-horse routine. 30+ minutes after wake up, same before bed. Discipline is most important.

I think that I feel life clearer now. I feel how it is a heavy and a difficult presense for me, especially after work. I have this knee jerk reactions to life being difficult - I get irritated, I eat, I watch stuff.

Food gives me less and less pleasure, I hope in 3-6 month good practice time I woud be able not to eat for pleasure, maybe everything else would go too.

Today after the doctors I felt this saddness which was like a beautifull light grey fog veil moving with the airflow around me, gently touching me from time to time producing slightest joyfull feeling of being sad.

I need to delve deeper into what I want. I think I don't want anything. I just want to be unconditionally happy all the time.

I try to contemplate immediatelly on different neurotic bits I become aware in my life, it is hard.

Edited February 27, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

How about this life purpose:

- To witness my grandchildren get enlightened.

 

Which is why to reach the greatest heights requires shedding egoic material, or purification to the point of nothingness or spirit. The word "spirit" connotes lightness of mechanism, and this is a good pointer of what you should be working towards.

To be conscious, it to be able to see how a mechanism truly works, and its backfire potential.

Edited February 28, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

First attempt at top values:

- Constant unconditional happiness and full enlightenment.
- Curing neuroticism and keeping on clean from it.
- Healthy and reasonably secure longevity.
- Embodying sages wisdom.
- Reasonably stable handsome levels of energy to create.

I am too cheap to buy Leos course.

 

Fear creeps in. Low self esteem? These look like egoic values.

For example "Honesty" is egoic still but it is a level above.

I should not judge my top values - are they toxic?

Are they not a value but a concrete thing?

- Unconditional Happiness
- Enlightenment
- Inner peace
- Longevity
- Health
- Understanding
- Wisdom
- Mind Energy
- Creating

Or

- Peacefullness, Calmness, Stability, Groundness
- Acceptance, Reality as it is, Matter of Factness
- Cleanness, Pure Spiritness, Pure Essentialness
- Equanimity, Mental Clarity, Focus
- Environment transcendence
- Truth 
- Creating

Edited March 1, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I have a job and a home. I know if I would be fired, I'd find something else. 

I don't want anything. Why anyone wants anything more for them?

I mean predominantly common things like a flat for themselves, kids, respect, booming career, money, foreign vacation trips - why do they want it? And why don't I want it?

Are they afraid of being poor? Afraid of being called loosers? Maybe their parents forced success chasing into their young minds? Maybe they are greedy viruses? Maybe they are afraid of mental degradation? Maybe they have flawed view of the world - like needy or some pet world view? What is it and why do I not want anything like that?

Edited March 6, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I think I'm an addict of nice deep conversations with people. Including reading actualized.org. It gives me motivation energy and pleasure to do so just as some food and coffee. So I need to sit without converstaions alone in an empty room too.

[Alex K]

So last weekend I've at least partly broken my neurosis regarding fear of death and self pity on suffering and death.

I felt free enough from emotional pressure to look around a bit. From a random thread here I've picked up a book "The Road Less Traveled". I've read first chapter on discipline. I'd looked at my non-emotional problems in life and concluded that in large part they come from a lack of discipline.

I'm a 28 year old with a discipline level of a 3-5 year old kid and this would simply not do anymore. I've outlined basic exercises to train my discipline from this chapter and some Leo insights and so forth.

I proclaim a 30 days discipline challendge:

- Two 30+ sits - first thing in the morning and one before bed no excuses - as a one disciplined practice exercise.

- Time during the day should be preallocated in pairs of work-leisure to foster delayed gratifictaion. Work time could be 30-60 or more minutes. Leisure time could be 5-10 or more minutes. Leisure types: fap, youtube, serfing including actualized forum random threads, playing video games, chatting and talking, resting comfortably.

- Calling my problems mine and taking calculated ratio of responsibility for them.

- Think of a direct willpower usage exercise because this mechanism is rusty in me.

My mantra for the challendge:

Life is difficult. Life is a series of problems. Do I want to moan about them or solve them?

- Unhook  from media and overstimulation.

I think in 6-12 month I could develop a decent level of discipline and that would help me greatly in each aspect of my life.

 

Edited March 8, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

A week has passed. I apparently have no attitude to a rigid challendge.

I'm learning about the jew mentality, can sum up what I've learned as "Do useful things all day long, do not care about anything, be nice to like-acting and -minded people and polite/indifferent/cold to lazy-asses. Do not whine, do not exibit self pity, do not be jealous of others, be happy and polite. Want more and good stuff and life, accept other people accomplishments and stive to benefit from them, use them to grow and offer more stuff to the world."

This looks highly healthy and materialistic/pragmatic. I want some of that!

Currently I guess I have a lot of self pity which I think stands in a way of working hard.

I think self pity is a psychological part of self preservation instinct and needs contemplation and analysis to be weeded out.

I think when I had lots of past traumas generating emotions, Self pity was a more or less legit way to limit overall stress on my mind, but now it has no use.

And second component, Laziness is a problem for me as well. A very simple situative lazyiness. For this Leo has some good vids, maybe it's time for them.

 

Edited March 15, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I think I still do not accept reailty in that I am responsible for everything. 

I watched some videos on programmers work in Israel. And it awoken panic in me akin to my last Germany experience.

I woke up with dread and panic from a dream regarding all this in the morning. I fear loosing a job and not getting a new one because of my lack of mastery in programming. I've had my morning meditation filled with this thoughts.

I need to remove my ignorance. I need to understand that being responsible for absolutely everything in me, with me and around me is a nature of reality.

I listened to "Doing the emotionally hard thing" video on my way to work, because it is highly relevant to not accepting the responsibility for everything.

The rest of the way I've meditated/contemplated on this, observing powerfull fears coming in sporadeous gusts and the surface layer of my resistance to this reality. I cryed a bit a couple of times. I need to keep this work going. This persisting on being ignorant is an active drag on my actualization and happiness. I need it worked out.

 

I do not seem to have a victim mentality. I just do not accept or assume full responsibility and I have giant fears and panics over this, especially regarding loosing a job and not being able go get a new one and not being able to provide for myself and my family.

Intuition spark gave me an idea that maybe I had a past trauma or childhood vow to not take responsibility, maybe on occasion of not being able to do anything with some problem - I'll tread the work minding the idea.

 

Edited March 16, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Had a faint half an hour ago.  Stood up in the office and started walking to the meeting room and suddenly found myself hitting the nearby office table with the face. Meanwhile In the mind there where all kind of stories like a really quick dream and then a hit. Noone seemed to notice.

Watched Leo vid on concentration, started to do on my way to work. I think I'll do it each morning before do nothing and see whether it supercharges. I do not feel any significant progress from do nothing anymore to be honest. I'm guessing it is because I'm stuck at a half hour due to full time job, wife and my addictions and undisciplined ways. I need to try to incorporate more practice, hope this concentration would work.

In the last week or so started reading some articles about programming, for mastery. Mind seems overwhelmed by information, I don't know if I ever consumed such complexity this fast.

I'm tired, not sure why. 

A friend helped me understand the stakes we are all constantly doing in life and how a freedom to make stakes is the best thing and should not be given away.

Edited March 23, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I want to study that great pinned guide on shadow work, hope today will do the trick. Whole week till today I was busy and exhausted.

I'm ordering a thick cotton batting matt to meditate on, hope it arrives in a week. I want to switch to burmeese posture. 

I also now concentrate on artificail rain sound for 2-5 minutes before 30 minutes do nothing sit, I think this really do boost the sit. And I think it is one of the most direct and simple boosts to concentration and willpower possible.

I watched Leo vid right now. I took some notes and sparsely thought about what could be current priority or a "low" point for me. I guess it is the last one - intoxication and developing a sattvic lifestyle. 

I'm being intoxicated by people around me, by unhealthy and excessive food I eat, by wrong clips on youtube, by news, by tea, by useless articles I read.

I self intoxicate with ideas\vasanas when taking them seriously. I am intoxicated by feelings of tiredness and exhaustion. By emotions of self pity, pride, fear and anxiety.

How to detox from all that? Is there a one simple way to do it all in one scoop? Not likely.

Why do I really intoxicate myself? All this acts seems so random, like they are just a habbit I need to break. But there is no way of breaking them really.

Really? For example I want to listen to some clips, then to surf some entertainment sites, then some news. Some educational vids I do not really need.

Time flies by meanwhile. And the day is over. No contemplation is done. Basic 30 minutes of meditation is done and nothing else.

Can a detoxication be an active process in case of aforementioned agents? Yes. Just sitting by yourself in an empty room. I want something pleasant to replace all this stuff. What can it be? I can blog here. Journaling/blogging is a nice thing. The problem is I do not want to read it all. And I do not want to be lost in all this shit. May this all be just like a digital writeout?

 

Edited March 26, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Journalling. I need this motherfucking deeeep journalling right now in my life. This is a perfect moment when lots of easy to find heavy emotional hurt shit stuff is gone. Now I need a more powerfull tool - a journalling of my though streams with dialogs of my higher self with my inner child. I will now always fo this journalling at my evernote account. This is sick. Just did an honest 35 minute do nothing after 5 minute concentration. It is sick sick sick! It feels like I've bene meditating for 2 hrs, I've started to actually randomly move and only after 30 minutes of meditation! Honest higher self vs ego child journalling at all moments of confusion/weakness/tiredness, concentration practice, nice thick cotton cushion, do nothing technique - and I'll be a self actualising heavy lifter!

Edited March 26, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I don't like self inquiry. It seems very fanatic, very draining. It seems not possible with my level of willpower and determination. 

Simple meditation just has to be enough for at least a half year more. I don't want to do the self inquiry and I won't. At least for the foreseeable future.

But do I want to get enlightened? Sure I do, let's revert back to this question after a couple more years of meditation and usual self development.

I am completely hooked on this self actualization topic, but such a hardcore practice like self inquiry is just not for me yet. Maybe sometime in the future. I don't like it, it's seems so dumb. And all these enlightenment exercises seem so usesess, seem to be faulty, seem stupid. Stupid, easily broken in their definition by simple knowledge and logic. And people who left them there - are they stupid? Or are they lazy? I sit with an exercise for a minute and concoct a logical and scientific prove that this exercise is a bunch of baloney. How stupid one should be to seriously post such exercise? It's either stupidity or fanatism or laziness or false hopes or despair. And I'm coming into self actualization world and striving to know the Truth exactly because I want to move away from those things. So no self inquiry or this stupid exercises.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

My head hurts third day in a row. I haven't been meditating normally for more then a week. I've been reading and posting some comments here in the forum. I want to turn to unintoxicated minimalistic lifestyle. Today I'll start meditating normally again and I'll start trifinity academy.

Edited April 12, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

So, I failed to start normal meditation. New opportunity is lack of tasks at work. So I'm going to meditate 5-10 minutes, then concentrate for 3 minutes on a slight round-dot like imperfection on my cubicle wall. Than 5-10 minutes of do nothing, then concentration. Let's see how many cycles I'll mamage.

What I want now is get rid of addiction to stimulation and to get intrinsic motivation going towork hard on meditation and enlightenment.

My addictions:

- Food

- Talking to people (including forums like this one, all kinds of messengers)

- Watching anime and music videos

- Masturbation over the minimum helathy limit (just like with minimum healthy limit of food)

- Serfing the web

Regarding motivation - I need to go waay deeper isnide of myself to find out why do I not crave the enlightnment the way I think is needed to crave it to actually work hard enough to get it. We'll see.

Edited April 13, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Hereby I'm committing to serious self actualization work (raising the quality of my consciousness) at least for the next 3 years, currently contained in the following:

- Strife to abstinence from addictive phenomena namely:

- Food

- Talking to people (including forums like this one, all kinds of messengers)

- Watching anime and music videos

- Masturbation over the minimum healthy limit (just like with minimum healthy limit of food)

- Serfing the web, reading fiction and non-practical non-fiction books

- etc.

- Strife to quality meditation and concentration practices

- Strife to study quality Satsangs and books

- Continuous working on my:

- beliefs

- should statements

- possible shadow and emotional baggage

-goals and motivations

- especially with regards to enlightenment 

This list is subject to refinement.

Signed   Alex K   13 April 2017

Edited April 13, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Commits do not work for me, decisions do not stick, I am not interested in resolutions anymore as well. If I would not be aware, knowing and conversing here as much, my life would be characterized as unconscious .

I've watched anime and ate wrong food for the last 4 days. My meditation habit is not there anymore, I try to meditate now and then but it is not systematic or rigorous. I don't like this situation. I want to look at Khan videos for some insight and motivation, I have no intrinsic motivation. I do not want to have a life purpose other then becoming free. I want to learn this approach of listening to the universe and doing as it says, I want to go with this flow maybe as there is no flow within me. 

 

Edited May 10, 2017 by Alex K