From Neuroticism To Serenity

[Alex K]

Yesterday had anger outbreak, 2 hrs SDS not for me currently, I will gradually grow up into it.

Every moment of my evening is emotional SDS no matter what I do. So much room for growth.

Every moment of life is truly an opportunity to be equanimous and aware, but it is very mentally hard.

In sorrow again.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

The basic techniques are great, but we need something deep to immerse myself into too, so I'm to uploading Advaita Vedanta lectures by James Shwarz on my phone. There are 4 types of yoga to take us.

 

[Alex K]

Responsibility, responsibility, doing best, all. We are just small fickle monkeys with a ticket to the play, no free will, no nothing. Wtf are they arguing on victim mentality and responsibility! So futile, so irredeemable.

Rali's talking shit. To be aware and just enjoying life when billions are suffering, it's so immoral.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Alex K

[AxelK]

Quote

This is probably due to me being a very touchy person, and I cry a lot, at least used to cry until this year. I think that I feel more pain and suffer more from the same stimuli than the most people, my nervous system is weak naturally.

In my opinion its the other way round. Being emotional and sensitive is a sign of a strong and healthy nervous system.

Edited November 17, 2016 by AxelK

[Alex K]

@AxelK Actually, I think it is a type of nervous system, but it is also the one with less stamina to it than a stable phlegmatic one. 

[Alex K]

So my idea currently is to do 40-45 minutes SDS cross legged in the morning and 35-40 min SDS before sleep. Otherwise it would be too strong influence on my life. Starting now.

Downloading Vedanta vids on my phone to watch on the go.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

So after Vedanta vids I finally got down to some self inqury.

Ego is a homeostasis automatic part of consciousness. It is heuristic decision making algorithm, using intuition mechanism to seive through and choose the closest combination of experiences and decisions from the memories and funnel awareness onto it like injector funnels gasoline into engine cameras.

Aware awareness is least automatic part and energy or execution environment for all conscious processes.

It can counter ego at times currently by deffering execution of being narrowed/funneled/focused automatically by the ego.

Errata - when I say awareness I mean real me, I do not see it as awareness, it is some presense that I assume is awareness and which I need to inqury further into the nature of.

Logic, intuition, senses, emotions, memories are available for this presense as well as for the ego. So it is not only means but the real me in a sense that it is the least automatic of what I am.

What I totally forgotto mention are thoughts and precious monkey mind - it is just another random sampling conscious mechanism which ego and awareness both use to arrive at decisions.

And subconscious contains memory loading, thoughts forming, heart and breathing and whatnot monitoring, bootstrapping of ego, logic, contains intuition processes  etc.

Very nice maaan, popped that cherry! Asked who I am and stuff for 1.5 hours!

Edited November 18, 2016 by Alex K

[Bob84]

On 11/17/2016 at 0:30 PM, Alex K said:

Rali's talking shit. To be aware and just enjoying life when billions are suffering, it's so immoral.

Hi

Is the above is still valid?
If so, homeostasis is a b*tch isn't it

Nice to see you are making "progress", be skeptical do and do not let your mind/ego shove the whole experience in to a explanation. If that makes sense.

Edited November 19, 2016 by Bob84
Spelling

[Alex K]

6 hours ago, Bob84 said:

If so, homeostasis is a b*tch isn't it

She sure is Bob, she sure is.

Intellectual inquiry is well, but I haven't mediated yesterday and still haven't done it today. And I'm meditating for like an hour a day in total almost for half year! Through each crack in my lifestyle homeostatis and ego - this two best buds - just come in and thrash my comfortable little bubble fantasy world of self growth, what a MF-ers!

Edited November 19, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I hope it is a start, I'm doing SDS with do nothing for 37 minutes twice a day around sleep, sitting crosslegged on a yoga matt on hard laminated floor. Every time I'm successful, I add 10 seconds. So if each second time is fine, it's 5 minutes per month gradual increase. I have small tolerance to pain, even 3-5 minutes into medium leg pain my subconcious tries to brute force me out of SDS each 5-30 seconds. It's only been like 10 SDSes so far, lets see the progress.

On the body side I think it's becoming nice for the body to sit upright for 40 minutes and legs unnumb and unhurt just in 20-30 seconds after SDS is finished.

I fear that I do nothing wrong) Most of the time I daydream w/o any awareness, like 10-30% I am aware of thoughts and emotions and feelings and sounds. Rarely do I become aware that I try to manipulate my experience and it becomes let go. Becoming aware is like contracting a muscle and during do nothing it is prohibited, so I better not do it, let everything be as in during analysis too.

My evenings are a mess - I watch shows, overeat, play videogames, fap - all this should be bathed by awareness in the end.

I started exercise to just be aware while I'm walking and mindfullness bits while I'm on the train.

 

Edited November 25, 2016 by Alex K

[Bob84]

Try to shift your awareness to the next level by asking who is experiencing it. (these things are hard to put into words, and usually incorrectly explained, so if it doesn't make sense just ignore me).
Who's legs are falling asleep, who's nose is itching etc.

[Alex K]

@Bob84 No, it makes sense, I'll try tonight, I have a sit median alert so at that time, or maybe when it starts to hurt, I'll ask like who feels this pain in legs?

Edited November 25, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Had a 5 min vegetative-vascular dystonia case during SDS. Was hard to breath, heart started to hurt, each inhale had bloody scent to it, had lightheadedness. Intuited to massage heart with left hand for a little bit, helped. Lets see where would it go from here. Hope it will dissipate with time.

Edited November 28, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I'm skipping SDSes in the evenings a lot, so my idea is to make only half of the length of the evening sit mandatory. The main thing is established regime and this is for it. Length is 41 minutes. So it has been +10 seconds every day on the average since 25th november. Going at this pace could be an hour in 4 month, but ofcourse reality is not in a thought) I honestly only intuit that I'm more concious now than I was a month ago. At least motivation and inspiration and energy and thus clouded judgement subsided and I can judge more clearly what practice does for me. My plan with pomodorro meditations at work failed and I have an idea to restart it with less perfectionistic approach. I'll set up timer to be 55 minutes work and 1.5 minutes meditation instead of 45-15. And I want to gradually increase towards 5 minutes. Probably I will do this in new year already as I have last week of december and till 9th jan off.

During vacation I plan to practice much more, sitting on the couch. Studying Vedanta vids as well, some yoga would be great. Last time I figured yoga was too much to bear for my mind, maybe SDS pain helped me? I havent been doing much except from them, positive affirmations, Leo vids, breathing exercises lately because Im always feeling tired from work and life in general.

I want to establish some full hearted mindfullness practice but have yet to do so.

I have a problem of hatred towards my closest boss as he joined later than me and became manager, being less smart than me. I dont like to be commanded by people I deem less smart than me. And it is jealosy and feelings of unfairness. But I think the root cause is the fear of loosing in the game of survival of the fittest. Like if our team should be cut in half thanks to budget shrinking, he will be safe, other couple of great engineers would be safe. But I will be let go. So I want to get to the bottom of this complex because it brings me some suffering and some unproductive automatic behaviours like passive aggression. Today after thinking about it I figured this is a good material for trigger practice of Shinzen better watch a vid on it.

Edited December 17, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

All this thing about saging and zen devils and scores of pages of dispute on enlightened here. All this is very hard. I dont have energy or focus for this. What to do? I guess my genetics limit my energy to a bare minimum.

Lets try to read a book, I dont remember last time I ve read a book.

I cant take anything serious bevause I do not have energy at all.

Edited December 18, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

All what it took was a relapse of my gout illness and all happened as usual. No meditation, no exercises, sugary foods. This such a bitter pill to swallow. I've been meditating consistently for half a year and still I'm a sucker for taking any chance not to do it at all. On the other hand, I do not suffer about it almost at all so it works like a charm =)) In the past I would be depressed over it, beating myself up for hours and days, maybe even crying at a realisation that I'm a big loser. And now I'm just mildly irritated. Let's concentrate on getting back on track.

Edited December 19, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Karma yoga - action without expectation. 
Bhakti yoga - surrender to reality as it is - exercise for every second especially for bad moments and mindfullness.
Raja yoga - meditation and asans and nidra and neti neti and inquiry.
Jnana yoga - knowledge and concepts from enlightened people / advaita vedanta.

[Alex K]

Just spilled some uneasiness into random book review post. What is wrong with me? I'm not sure in anyhting. Confusion is a good thing pal. Is it good to be referring to yourself in third person? Why bother, I think everyone does that just in the mind. Why even bother is it ok or not? 

This pressure may be the result of confusion. So confusion should be accepted just as any other emotion, feeling and thought. What is confusion? Is it a thought or emotion or a feeling? I guess it is an emotion created by contradicting thoughts and unresolved puzzles. So it is Feel in noting wise. Maybe it's worth affirming "I'm aware during confusion"? Well it's just that until last couple months when I've seen this notions of confusion and not knowing being good things from Shinzen, Leo, Ralston, Rali, etc. I've always robotically assumed it was a bad thing and tried to resolve it until my head hurted. Resistance bullshit! Let's make a vow of accepting confusion, lol.  My head starting to hurt again just from thinking about this all. How do people sort these things out??????????????????

Why do I always pedal my head hurting and me being tired? Is it normal to always have a headache upon thinking about something in a thorough manner? Is it okay to get tired of this? Maybe there is just a resistance in me towards those activities? I made a vow not to do them in my childhood? Should I do Leo's exercies? Should I execute fast? Is it my idea? Am I an orange? lol. 

Edited December 25, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I think that my real photo could compomise my future job seeking as we see a rise of image recognition technologies.

Additionally, I do not want people conversing with me projecting anything on me based on my photo - I'm that paranoid.

So I'll go with anonymous look from now on.

Edited December 25, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

So I've read a topic from Leo on enlightenment guide and asked a BS question there.

I'm so fearfull that all the guys out here will get enlightened and will move on with some cool sages stuff on top of full enlightenment.

And I will try to have 20 min of inquiry here and there twice a week for the rest of my life, moving at a snails pace, constantly doubting myself and creating my own hell out of it. This looks like a victims mentality, I believe I know I'm very weak, and very lazy, doubting my every move, thought and idea, having a lot of in-mind baggage/garbage. I just do not have enough energy to do this work successfully! A list of failures in the past and no victories whatsoever. I'm rather desperate with this.

How to win over this? What to do to lift this? Lets rewatch Leo vids on victim mentality and try to apply.

Update:

So it is my limiting belief and emotion that I am weak and very low on energy. I need to retrospect and meditate on this.

So I believe currently it is the utmost important thing. Do not forget the 40% rule. I've put this off for too much now, let's dwell into this thing from now on.

Edited December 25, 2016 by Alex K