From Neuroticism To Serenity

[Alex K]

@Natasha Thanks, I've read somewhat and I understand I'm as far as couple years from initial seeing  Nonetheless, very supportive.

So today is day 4 of uninterrupted practice. Towards the end of 30min doNothing felt myself as a 'gerbil in a wheel' - my thoughts revolving around stuff I'd should do today felt like all dirt. 

Starting tomorrow I'm having a 16 day vacation - would be at a country house with my wife. No internet coverage there, so will write here again in 2.5 weeks. I hope it would be akin to a retreat.

Had a coffee again today in the morning, now feel a burst of undeserved energy. Wrote an A4 thoughts stream on nature of work and client satisfaction forced culture to my two friends over the skype. Just now, 2 hours later, I understand it's all bad use for that energy. I'm at work, nonetheless, I'll use the energy to meditate right here and now, would do breathing observation as doNothing was in the morning.

On 20/07/2016 at 2:04 PM, Alex K said:

My purpose it seems is to have nothing to do with maya, it is degrading to any non-grounded mind.

Wrote on Wed., but now I think that if I'd always have as much energy as I have right now, I'd have no problem fighting maya and growing spiritually.

This raises a pleiad of questions: 

- Should and could a man have this much energy always?

• Definitely could, at least in 50 years with advances in medical tech.
• How could any logic forbid a man from having all the energy he wants?
  • Ecological basis - a man with lots of energy could destroy/destabilise a lot.
  • Man's neural system may not be ready for this much activity.
  • Man's mind could be not ready for this much activity.

- I'm not convinced that having children, wife, good friends, having a simple good impact on the world by your simple 9-5 job is sub optimal to having a life of a sage and striving towards enlightenment in terms of being a benevolent force in the world (this is from Leo's video on what we want and I understand that I want to have a positive impact on the world)

• The thing is I do not have anything where I could impact the world in a 'serious' 'grown up' manner - I'm not very smart and I won't help at a poor people's shelter at least as I am now, I do have a document on my life's purpose, but I do not currently believe that I can achieve anything of that.
• My current approach is as follows: I'll work at my present job, and I will pump up the meditation. It, being an 'ultimate' habit, will with time help me to remove negative habits like overeating on junk foods, overconsuming meaningless informational content, etc. and it will remove some of my autonomous complexes in my mind and it will help me to adopt some positive habits, as I'm trying to institute yoga right now. These things will raise my level of energy and I would be able to move to the next more 'material' steps of my life purpose plan. (Probably even this is incorrect as what I'm doing now is at least as material as next steps, it is just social conditioning talking in me)

- Thus I even find striving towards enlightenment an egoistic thing as it will diminish my immediate ability to have positive impact as I'll be meditating all the time.

• I feel that my suffering is 'good' in that it is 'emotional' work and all I can offer this world. I feel that if I suffer, I'm making a positive impact based on a 'sacrifice' of suffering. But it is the easiest thing in the world - to suffer. You do not need to understand, you do not need to evaluate, to discern right from wrong, to put in any actual mind or emotional labour, suffering just happens to you. Does Leo have a video on this? Are there any topics on this forum about this? Are there any books or blogs on this? Idle suffering as a false virtue.
• I'm a hopeless lounger. I don't want to be. Can I free myself from this? Isn't meditation going to free me from this with time? I suppose it would. Wouldn't it be to late? I'm sacred of this. Should I be? Better late then never. I'm so insecure, everything is so uncertain. Everything IS uncertain. Certainty is just not one of our false world's properties. Shinzan writes to apply equanimity to the feeling of uncertainty (not knowing) to gain a true wisdom. Probably, I should right now.

Obviously, I still have a long way to go in terms of my development, brings feeling of being at a certain point on a finely built broad road, running in the green hills under the calm soothing  warm sunlight. 

Edited July 22, 2016 by Alex K
Additions

[Alex K]

So, since my last reply, I've meditated at least 30 minutes each day. So today is day 22 of uninterrupted practice.

I had 16 days vacation and meditated for 2 hours a day on the average.

I'm back at work.

I re watch Leo's video about strategic thinking multiple times, I've started some strategic planning stuff, I want it to be very thorough.

I've watched some lecture videos on critical thinking and want to incorporate that into my daily life, use it in strategic planning.

I want to determine my strategic intent, I think is is not unlike that of Leo's, but I need to make it clear for myself, so that it would 'feel' solid and inherent to me, i intuit that it should have some flavours.

I have a large mindmap about my meditation, I want to implement what I've learned about critical thinking to enhance it -> some strategic analysis.

I have fears and doubts about my life now, especially my work. I know I don't like it very much. I fear what would happen if I loose it. It sucks up a giant portion of my life energy, my mental energy, time, attention, I stir neurosis based on it in me. I have to think about it critically and include it in my life strategy in some comprehensive way.

 

Notes on critical thinking:

Blooms taxonomy of learning: memorisation -> comprehension -> application -> analysis -> synthesis -> evaluation.

Strive for higher level of learning.

Six hats thinking: Information, Intuition, Critical/Cons, Pros, Ideas, Thinking management. -> Think on the issue with different facility, build on the results of previous iteration.

Critical thinking consist of:

- Attitude to change every you believe under new facts and ideas (Like Open-mindedness) and

- C.T. Tools:

   - Always ask a question: How does someone arrive at that conclusion? (How has someone come to know what he knows?)

   - Think of counter examples.

   - How could my hypothesis be invalid? (Under what circumstances, what should be the case for my h. to be invalid?)

   - Attach degrees of probability / certainty to hypothesis.

  - Beware of Dunham-Kruger effect: be humble, always say you don't know when you don't know.

  - You should always ask questions and generate ideas without thinking they are stupid or irrelevant.

 

Another idea is to work somewhat on notes taking skills. How to take notes quickly and with drawings?

Edited August 9, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I know that our project is to be outsourced to other location and I'll have to find another job somehow.

I know it will happen in 6 month - 2 years time interval.

As it happen, I'll have two month paid on internal mobility in my company to find another project to join.

After that I'd be on unpaid leave, able to search as internal.

I have a mortgage, my wife is 3 month pregnant.

I am rather bad at what I do (computer programming), I don't have any motivation, I hate my job.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything, just lie down. I don't even watch films of tv shows anymore, I barely talk to people.

I just have silly hope that meditation could miraculously help me. There is no purpose to my life and I do not want one.

I have so little energy and every day is grey.

And I know there is no god.

I don't think I'm depressed, I'm just in a very down and low energy mood.

What to do, what to do...

Edited October 14, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Seriously what is going on? Just now something changed and I again had to breath a lot and my mood started to become better all by itself.

What is this thing, what is this???

[Alex K]

why-am-i-depressed audio. Do notes.

Think about core values. What do I think I should do but I don't. Why that is so?

There is an exercise about now - maybe do it for 10 minutes.

If I can't stand to sit at work w/o headphones -> means do it with do nothing, to not hook to your idea of life.

What happiness is and how to.

This is the exercise - introspection.

Edited October 20, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

I want to get enlightened but it seems I progress very slowly. I've meditated for 3-3,5 out of 4 last month at least, 30 minutes of do nothing minimum a day, thou I'm not sure I do it properly.

Somewhere I got the information that from 40 minutes up you get to have a real impact, it also true for me. When I get to meditate 2hrs a day, my head is much more stuffed with it all-the-way. How to meditate 2hrs a day? How? I sleep 9 hrs, I waste 10 hrs for work, my wife needs at least 1-2 hrs from me to be happy, she is not into actualization work and 3 month pregnant currently, I keep discussing meditation with her gently so that she wouldn't burst out on me about how I'm pressuring her into it. I need some time to eat, to do the work around the house, to take a shower, go to the WC. Where do I get the 2 hrs I want ((

I've got a pomodoro at work, the 50-10 minutes, 10 minutes for meditation. I got information that even 10-15 minutes would make your neurons flexible enough for engaging into meditation at any moment. But every time it hits meditation period, I think to myself that I've done not enough work thus no mediation for me and a bunch of crazy things my mind plays on me not to meditate. I need to rewatch video on higher self with lower self. How to get the higher self more active time through the working hours? 

I feel that I'm becoming stiller in my everyday tasks, in my mind. My depression periods become much more mindfull. Still it looks like little progress. Patience balm, remember duuuuude.

I want to start doing enlightenment work as per Leo video on how to get enlightened. But it wants another 30-60 minutes of my time every day and that should be quality time as I should be focused very intensely and alone in a quiet place.

But I feel that I do not have that much focus in me. I feel like I'm low on energy and not smart enough. 

Where do I get this 30 minutes to do enlightenment work? How to become more serious about it? 

I want to want to aspire with all my being to getting to Truth and getting to Reality through enlightenment (but it's just a means to the end for me right now as really I want to get rid of suffering), but I just usually want lousy stuff like greasy food and fapping and music and cartoons and whatnot and that depresses me and when I'm depressed I want nothing but to stop being depressed.

Actually now when I wrote it down, I think that in the recent weeks I want more of what I want to want, if that makes any sense )=.

I definetly need that higher vs lower self video watched.

Actually, just occured to me if I just want ot alleviate suffering, maybe just meditating a lot would get me there enough?

Then why would I want to get enlightened? Obviously because me - myself - and Ego - thinks enlightened people are better somehow, which I know nad believe - is not the case. Do I believe it though? I just want it soo badly. So my ego is soooo attached to the idea. What a mess I am.

I think I need to post here regularly.

I've started a diet last week, hope it will last for the next 6 month hehe, I need to loose that 80 pounds.

Read 

Would watch Robert Spira, was on my radar for some time now.

Edited October 30, 2016 by Alex K

[Bob84]

Maybe strange question. Did you play WOW. And if so, lvl's and alts?

[Alex K]

@Bob84 No I did not, I played 10 years ago - my first 2 years at colledge, Ragnarok Online, I was pretty advanced )= Fisherman sees the other fisherman from afar.

[Bob84]

Did you ever spend counless hours doing stuff that you didnt even like just to get that epic fishing rod?

And did you identify so much with your character that you got emotional when certain things happend?

[Alex K]

@Bob84 Yep, that all happened many times, were are you leading with all this, I'm intrigued.

[Bob84]

@Alex K See the relation and you can apply it to yourself  you already have a point of reference. 

- How to motivate yourself.

- Why is this character is any diferent from Alex.

[Alex K]

@Bob84 I thought about it and I think the thing is that the character in a game is immortal, fearless, flexible, can come and go at a buttons hit if I'm bored or smth; if totally screwed up, a new character could be cooked up. Even not screwed, I just can have 5 characters of different paths, each next would go smoother now that I know the game. The game itself is so much simpler and a ratio of work to reward is so much better then life.

In Life my performance is widely variable without any input from me, I cannot control my body, can control almost nothing, there are lots of sudden stuff with real danger to it. And it is so complex I want to puke. Just this week - I was on diet, went to bed at 12:00 each day, was in good mental shape.

And yesterday out of the blue I've ate up all the fridge and stayed up till 4 a.m. watching politics on youtube. Now I'm sitting here, needing to start to work but all I want is to die as I feel like shit that wants to puke, fearing that a depression would come and screw another week out of me.

Look at me going on, bitching at life, really giving it to it, oh heh.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Alex K

[Bob84]

Life is nothing more then a reflection of your projections. Know that sounds vage. example: if someone you dont like drives a sertain brand/model of car, you tend not to like that car anymore because you are projecting those negatve thouths on set car. 

When you are playing a game you are pretending to be the character in the game and projecting your ideas an wants to set game (while trying to stay within the games rulles). But at the same time you know its just a game.

In a sence your mind is this character and you "self" the player. Just that you have been playing the game for so long that you believe the character is everything.

Ratio to reward is in a sense the same. The more you learn about the game of life the easyer it gets.

The quest for the epic fishing rod is to set a goal, write the quest, and focus on the reward. As when you are focused on the reward (positive motivation) everything goes so much easyer then if you would focus on something negative like server restart in 5 minutes.

[Alex K]

Yes, thank you for your insight.

So the problem seems to be that I'm not that into life because I see it as a meaningless hardship. I mean I judge everything as being very hard for no reason. Hard on my mind and body, very costly, not worth it. And I see meditation and enlightenment as a way to escape part of the cost, rebalance the game rules. But even for them there is a lot of work entailed, so I pray for the moment when meditation would start meditating itself.

I just don't want to have any other purpose like making a career, I just see it as a lot of hardship for a very little reward.

Tell me if you will some more on the idea of how "the more you learn about the game of life the easier it gets".

What during my life easier times were:

- When hardship task ends like finishing university.

- Being on Escitalopram.

- Meditating.

Would appreciate much if you answered.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Alex K

[Bob84]

You kind of answer your own question.

Quote

So the problem seems to be that I'm not that into life because I see it as a meaningless hardship. I mean I judge everything as being very hard for no reason. Hard on my mind and body, very costly, not worth it.

If you stop judging everything being very hard. Its simply stops to be very hard. Reality does not change do, just the way you look at it.
I know, easier said then done. Then again its not since you do this all the time. Someone just needs to lift there finger and you change your opinion about them in a instant. I realize that this is somewhat of a mindfuck so don't worry to much about it.

You however do have reasons, and you can find out what these reasons are and get rid of them by realizing that these reasons are not good reasons at all and don't make any sense (meditation. self inquiry, mindfulness etc).

 

[Alex K]

Okay, I'd like to discuss this and I feel like some IM app would suit better to clarify your position. I got telegram and scype, and chat which gmail is having, if you're interested and available, please private message me your coordinates. Would be cool to chat.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

So I felt like I'm in some kind of rot lately, and I'm planning to get out by pumping up my practice. I did SDS for the first time yesterday evening and today in the morning - 1 hr a pop. I sat eyes closed on the bed, swallowing as I salivated much and yawning regularly but no voluntary movement except once each sit I'v straighten my back up. I felt pain in my butt and mainly my back, I superconducted it like Leo describes in how to counter negative emotions or as Shinzen described in his pain relief book- basically equanimed it. I wonder if I should equanimity out the pain, or I should endure it head on as an identified monkey? My head had no strange stuff in it, maybe because I'm doing do nothing for 4-5 month now 30-60 minutes a day at least. Both times I felt for the last 10 minutes a sudden surge of equanimity and yesterday I even felt all the pulsating dots of pain in my back as pulsating bright stars in a night sky, not gonna pitfall into that mind game hopefully. I'm reading threads here and watching videos from Leo and Shinzen on SDS now to establish the practice. During it, I'm and plan to do periods of do nothing, periods of noting, some thinking on the matters of my mind and its development and I'd love to start doing self inqury. I've never really done it before and I'll need to establish it too because it seems very dull to just ask one question and wait for some answers. Anyways, Let's have 10 days commitment to 2hrs SDS from today on till next Sunday Inclusive.

Points on hardening SDS if it seems too soft to be true ><: Eyes open, Not straightening up as long as possible, sitting on the pillow on the floor in cross legged or try burmeese - and let those legs stay attached after unfreezing )=.

Haha, cheers!

Edited November 11, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

So I've communicated with nice people here and read a lot of commentary in different topics. 

The key really is looking into all of it. There is no point in gallop - reading 10 books and watching 500 videos from 10 teachers - I need to really get something substantial. As I've spent some money on kindle book from Adayashanti and he is for sure a good teacher, I'll proceed reading it and getting a good basic picture.

I'm fearfull that I will drown in all this information, I don't really know what to do, I'm so lost right now. Leo tells us to be strategic. He tells to do the inner work. he tells us to do self inquiry. I can't do that, it's too focus intensive and I'm so defocused and I'll forget to do it. I think I need to do the noting to get some focus. wtf, I have no control whatsoever. shit. What to do. "Think for yourself". How? What to think about? What do I want? I don't know. I don't know anything. I can only follow instructions like do nothing or sit for 1 hr motionless. When I think about anything, it's inconclusive, it's subjective, it does make sense, but there is immediatelly 1-2 chains of thought that make sense as well, but they represent another view point, so which to desigante correct and a basis for further thinking? At that point I'm lost in these thoughts about correctness and prefference of thought chains and I forgot about the initial subject altogether or I just loose motivation to think about it. And on top of that, enlightenment can't be reached by thought and all my thoughts are based of false believes and obviously false axioms bring false conclusions. wtf wtf wtf wtf, how do people work through all this?

So I did 40 min burmeese SDS and stopped due to too much legs pain, after 5 min rest I did 1 hr SDS on a chair =) It's 3 a.m. and I better go do 1hr more and to bed. ego ego ego, so much ego in me

Edited November 13, 2016 by Alex K

[Alex K]

What do I want? I don't know. I don't know anything. I can only follow instructions like do nothing or sit for 1 hr motionless.

Guess what, this looks like a perfectly false ego believe, let's dismantle it somehow. Yay, concrete SMART task =)

[Alex K]

Relistened to Leo's real vs fake growth as advised by a colleague here. Synopsis is fake growth being worldy achievement alleviating the mind issue temporarily, real growth being getting ok with anything - curing neuroticism, kinda the name of my quest. So my gauge for the real growth is amount of awareness I exibit during my life. Reaching ever awareness is the primary growth point for me as seen now.

So I'm with my ego so weak so neurotic and so much energy is lost in intenal friction, that often in life I just become a turd going with the flow because ther is just no power to do otherwise. Obviously it is 0 amount awareness at this moments. For the last months I believe I see that actively diminishing, so that is my real growth.