Breaking up a long term relationship

[Arbolesmentirosos]

Hi, I've been watching Leo's videos for some time and recently joined the forum, really appreciate the opportunity to share and communicate in this space.

I'm 20 years old, I've been in a relationship with a girl for 3 years, since high school, about a year ago she moved in to my house, where I live with my dad. I knew back then that I wash rushing, but she really wanted to get away from her house, and me, beeing kind of a a people pleaser I accepted, I don't want to paint a wrong picture though, I was very happy at first, and thought it wasn't a big deal then, with time I learned that was a mistake.  I still appreciate her very much, and I've been helping her getting through depression(she's medicated) , which has been going on strong since before I met her and is still there. Last November everything started falling apart, I met this other girl, that made me feel things, and it added to a long history of toxicity that had been building up on both sides for some time and we got in a fight that lasted a couple days. I told her I wanted to break up, and she reacted violently, so I got scared, and couldn't do it, so we ended up "fixing" the whole thing. In the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't last and I'm getting constantly thoughts about it, thinking that I just want to be alone, really feeling like we don't connect anymore, and that every time I try to push my life in the direction I want, this relationship it's just dragging me down. The thing is I don't want to hurt her, (which I know is for selfish reasons, because I'm acting from fear, not love) plus all the hiding got me emotionally exhausted and I don't have the will to do anything. 

I know it's a long post, so thank you if you read it, I don't really have people in my life to talk about this. I'll accept your perspective in this and any suggestions will be welcomed.

[Hello from Russia]

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 I was very happy at first, and thought it wasn't a big deal then, with time I learned that was a mistake

Can you elaborate a bit on why it was a mistake from your opinion?

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plus all the hiding got me emotionally exhausted and I don't have the will to do anything. 

What do you mean by hiding? HIding your feelings to other girl or your self-actualization\spiritual ambitions?

 

I feel you a lot, bro. I know how frustrating it is when you feel like your woman drags you down

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[Average Investor]

Get out of that as quickly as you can. I have been in the same boat and it is hard to escape. Especially at your age your perspectives will change a lot and more dramatically doing this kind of work. You know it is not right for you and are only allowing it to continue to not hurt her feelings. I would suggest if you can get yourself out of that to spend some time working on yourself and getting out of the habits and emotions that go you there in the first place. 

You are obviously not happy and want to end it. You are saying so yourself. You need to put together a plan to get her out of the house as soon as you can. Even call her parents or friends if you have to get her somewhere to stay. If you keep her there you are just going to keep crawling back to her.

[Arbolesmentirosos]

Well, I obviously knew about her mental illness, in fact there was a very complicated episode on that year's vacation, where she would get really violent, and start screaming at me, breaking things and crying, all this coming for no apparent reason. After that she seemed fine for a couple months, when she moved in i started noticing this kinds of issues, not as much as those weeks, but it's like a cicle, it always comes back.

The mistake was to think that this wouldn't affect my life that much, it turns out Im very sensitive to negativity. Also there's the issue that Im mostly working in my music, and she doesn't have yet any purpose or idea about what to do in life, so she just watches stuff  on her phone all day, stoned, I try not to judge very harshly, but this makes me feel very disconnected from her and question why do we live together at all. 

[Arbolesmentirosos]

21 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

Get out of that as quickly as you can. I have been in the same boat and it is hard to escape. Especially at your age your perspectives will change a lot and more dramatically doing this kind of work. You know it is not right for you and are only allowing it to continue to not hurt her feelings. I would suggest if you can get yourself out of that to spend some time working on yourself and getting out of the habits and emotions that go you there in the first place. 

You are obviously not happy and want to end it. You are saying so yourself. You need to put together a plan to get her out of the house as soon as you can. Even call her parents or friends if you have to get her somewhere to stay. If you keep her there you are just going to keep crawling back to her.

I hear you, luckily I have a very good relationship with her mother, very sensible person, but I don't know how she would react. I've been trying to concentrate in myself, changing some habits, and feeling better in general, I know I can't ignore these feelings, but it's hard.

Thank you for your response 

[Arbolesmentirosos]

56 minutes ago, Hello from Russia said:

Can you elaborate a bit on why it was a mistake from your opinion?

What do you mean by hiding? HIding your feelings to other girl or your self-actualization\spiritual ambitions?

 

I feel you a lot, bro. I know how frustrating it is when you feel like your woman drags you down

 

I meant hiding my feelings about the relationship that I'm in. Which I feel has a lot to do my self actualization. 

Thank you for your support

[Average Investor]

@Arbolesmentirosos I hope it works out for the best. I am glad I could help. 

[wordsforliving]

I stayed in a relationship too long because I was such a people pleaser. I have had to work on putting a stop to it. Here's what helped me:
 

 

[Dwarniel]

I understand you don't want to hurt her, but the thing is... She'll be more hurt by having a boyfriend that doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. You are hurting her more by staying. Even though you're fearful, you should break up with her for her sake. Especially if she's dealing with mental health issues..

Edited April 30, 2020 by Dwarniel

[Arbolesmentirosos]

4 hours ago, Dwarniel said:

I understand you don't want to hurt her, but the thing is... She'll be more hurt by having a boyfriend that doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. You are hurting her more by staying. Even though you're fearful, you should break up with her for her sake. Especially if she's dealing with mental health issues..

@Dwarniel you're right, i know that  now I'm the toxic one, but I don't even know how to start that conversation. 

Sharing this here has helped a lot, although I still don't know exactly when, or how, the whole idea feels more concrete. 

Thank you for your response 

[Arbolesmentirosos]

@wordsforliving

20 hours ago, wordsforliving said:

I stayed in a relationship too long because I was such a people pleaser. I have had to work on putting a stop to it. Here's what helped me:
 

 

I saw that one some time ago, it hit differently this time... Thank you 

[JohnD]

On 4/29/2020 at 4:20 PM, Arbolesmentirosos said:

The mistake was to think that this wouldn't affect my life that much, it turns out Im very sensitive to negativity

Part of me hears you and thinks she's burdened you with some of her emotional baggage, as I've had a similar experience. She sounds narcissistic, and doesn't seem to consider your feelings (not out of spite but unconsciousness and incapacity). Narcissists are unconsciously adept at projecting or storing their emotions in others.

How much of your energy, thoughts, attention, & actions focus on her throughout the day?