What To Talk About In A Conversation?

[stalker]

I have been suffering with this problem for more than 10 years but has not reached any result. I can not figure out what to talk about in a conversation!

That's why I never had any friends or a girlfriend.

Whatever help I received, whether it is the psychologist or a book, all that they say - you are introvert, your are shy, you have low self-esteem, you don't need much communication.

But the truth is that I really can not realize what to say! How to generate contents. Exact words.

I need not just philosophical matters about social communication. But exact mechanism.
Abstract advices like "listen", "be more friendly" don't help. LOL. Phychologists or self-help book authors think I am hostile)

There is no anything that far more than this bullshit.

If I meet a new person, I can ask him what he does for a living, what he likes, where did he studied, where he was born. But this is enough only for a couple of hours of talk.
After that I just do not understand what else I can ask, because neither my life or his changes. Even after many months.

When I worked at 9/5 job in the office, I had to avoid sitting with my сolleagues, because of awkward silences. I didn't know what to say, besides "How are you?". People just respond "everything is ok, nothing new". Talking about news, politics or soccer is like dead topic to me. So emotionally far .

I understand that it is necessary to make people happy, to tell interesting and funny stories as others do, but I do not know where to take them. Or just have fun and talk any nonsense. I can not understand how to do it. 

I'm desperately want to socialize. Cannot understand what to do. Please help.

[Ayla]

Lookup Matthew Hussey on youtube. His videos are targeted to girls, but you'll find some content there that might help. 

 

[stalker]

How actualy it may help?

[Ajax]

You won't like what I have to say...

 

Eliminate tv and video/computer games from your life.  Reduce books and computer if it is interfering. These are social barriers. Conversations was not nearly as difficult before the advent o the television.

An introvert is someone who has too much attention stuck on themselves and not on the other person. Therefore you have to practice getting you attention on your environment and things around you. Keep your attention on the other person.

There is an art form of conversation. It is up to you to discover it for yourself.

 

Best of Luck.

 

[Progress]

I think Introvert and Extrovert are bullshit concepts. Anyways here are some tips and tricks here. I also like to start out with many people think they need to improve their social skills but really they always had it, its just the stress and anxiety are blocking their full potential.

Confidence- Confidence is everything. Why you're not confident? You give to much power to other people. Everyday for 5 minutes repeat to yourself "I don't care about what others think, good or bad"(Stolen from Leos video). Now the other thing with confidence is don't think, do. The more you think the more stress comes. Also meditation can help greatly with this.

Conversation Starting Material- It is ok to talk about yourself! Just don't hog up all the time. Also the more vulnerable you are willing to be the more vulnerable the other person is willing to be. So open up about yourself. Tell them about your hobbies and interests. Just flip it back on them when you're done. Also talk about small events happening with you and had a bit of detail.(Example: I bought a new couch today and the guy who sold it to me was a bit creepy). You can also talk to people about life itself. Why such and such happens. For small talk maybe more detailed then a "How are you?". Instead how about a "Hello Theresa, Is your cat still ripping up all the furniture." Notice how I addressed them by name and added a detail about their life. 

Basic and Random Stuff- Smile!(No seriously do it), Don't respond with a dull or sad face to people. Make sure you have an attractive energy coming out. Its all about the energy. If you're anxious and nervous, people, at least some can sense it. Also don't resist any anxious feeling or such when they come up, accept them. 

 

Source- I learned this all by myself so hopefully its more relatable.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Progress

[kalter000]

@stalker You stuck too much in your head and have high filters of what is "worth" speaking. True authentic conversation is emotional, not logical, you are just vibing with people, you can even connect with someone without much of the talk.
Push yourself to say anything that comes to mind, realise - you already has everything in you for that, you just need to unlock it. Don't supress natural flow of your thoughts.
Exercise: stand in front of mirror and talk to yourself for 5 min about EVERYTHING. Visualise talking to people , getting emotional, imagining saying stuff like "Girl, do you like Jared Leto as an actor? My favourite his role is transgender junkie in Dallas buyers club, I think he is sexy". - stupid, meaningless, hilarious.
It's skill, you can practise it and become good socialiser, I recommend doing pick up for that purpose.

[Niki]

@stalker I would like to add on to what kalter000 said coz I agree. Check out Leo's video about developing a sense of humor. That will help you tons.

[MonikaBcn]

@stalker have you tried asking questions you want to be asked?

[Guest]

Let the others do the talking, ask a few questions and let them talk. Be interested in them. Also if they don't wanna talk or can't talk don't take the pressure on you! Just relax and look at them. The pressure and the uncomfortable is on their side

 

"You don't have to prove jack shit to anybody" - Coach Corey Wayne

Edited February 10, 2016 by The Alchemist

[JKG]

@stalker I am in a very similar situation like your. Talking in a group is totally okay, I sometimes add something to the conversation and everything seems fine. But when people leave out of this group and I am left with another person alone, there is this awkward silence left. I am still in school and can talk with the people in school about stupid stuff like teachers, homework or other students. But I find this really annoying. So I say nothing.

With the years I find this awkward silence very funny. I just don't care about it anymore and observe the other person trying to overcome the silence so much Try firstly not to care what the person things of you. Accept the awkward silence.

I think you can only have a long conversation with someone, when you two have a topic in which both are really interested in. I have one good friend with very same interests but no one else.

[Niki]

@stalker Btw I feel you completely. I am a hardcore introvert. I can be cool with not talking for days, even a week, it's normal to me. A lot of times I don't know how to keep a conversation with someone. I wish you luck in building your communication skills up stalker! If this hardcore introvert progressed a lot, so can you. =)

[Zelma]

Been there, seen that!

Find a subject you are most interested in and get on a path of Mastery. Focus all of your attention on it and forget everyone else. Don't think that those people know what they are doing. They don't. Once you begin to become a Master in a subject you (not your parents or people around) are most interested in, you will find people you are looking for. And they will find you. You will have plenty of things to talk about. But first, learn what Master is. Buy and read this book. Be confident. You can do more than you think you can.

[Alen]

I think it is very important to develop a genuine interest in others peoples thoughts and opinions.

Example 1 : If you have a genuine interest in hearing what other persons have to say about certain topics or how they feel about something you wont                          be able to help yourself but to ask and talk about all kinds of things, isn't it? 

Example 2 : Why does it seem that women have a much easier time talking than men? Women are generally speaking more interested in the people around them, this makes having conversations for them almost effortless , because they have a genuine interest in what the others have to say ( they are not just talking for the manners )

By pursuing self development my interest in people and Life , as a whole, started growing. Over the time I realized how it always became easier for me to have funny, diverse and interesting conversations because of that 

 

I hope that, what I say makes sense to you and helps you ! Have a nice day 

 

 

[Lynnel]

@stalker Okay, guidelines.

This may sound HILARIOUS but I wouldn't yet recommend talking to the wall as @kalter000 said, as *sigh* it's an advanced exercice.  The goal there is to stay unreactive, not going into your head and expressing yourself completly freely. Here you're struggling with holding a conversation.

1) You have enough content to talk about whatever you want to. This means something is stopping you from doing so. Be it anxiety, low self-esteem or lack of experience. Self-inquiry is required here.

2) If you can't interact with people in real life, try to hold a chat in omegle. God, look up some popular girl's facebook conversation, I don't know. At worst, learn conversation lines just to get a feel on how it's done. Anything counts as long as there is progress.

3) What you say is irrelevant to a huge degree, the most important is the way you say it and the emotionnal subcontext.

4) Go out and socialize. Do your best and build on feedback. Never let anything stop you

[Leo Gura]

Two very simple things:

1. Go out and put yourself into social situations A LOT.
2. Talk about YOURSELF! Stop asking questions. Just blabbermouth about yourself to people like a narcissist about the most stupid and mundane things. You'll see people open up very fast.

Example: "I was brushing my teeth this morning and noticed that I haven't washed my bath towels in over a month." << Random conversation started.

The biggest things holding back most guys is that we think conversations have to be logical and make sense. Well, they don't! The best conversation starters are total nonsense.

Practice with store clerks at the mall in department stores.

You are NOT going to logically figure this out. You need to actually push yourself in front of people and do it. Trust that your brain will figure out the details. It always does with time.

[Guest]

Randomness is beautiful. In the moment, notice your surroundings, the sensory experiences you feel, and notice the person in front of you whom you wish to engage. First things that come to mind will be random; speak about it, keep it simple, but don't fret too much. Since we are all human, we have more in common than what you'd imagine. Going random in a mini-conversation with an upbeat attitude and a smile is hard for a female or anyone to resist as long as you are a gentleman, courteous, and curious about the person you're wanting to engage. Keep in mind most people are very hung up on how they present in public as well, so you already have more in common than you think! Create your own courage: courage is a mindset that you can *choose* to adopt and practice. Keep practicing and even "fake it 'till you make it" 'till others begin seamlessly responding to you. Don't give up; keep up the positive energy; stay light and fun. People are attracted to those qualities in "impromptu" social conversations. Good luck to you!

[Peter J]

Am having some of the same problems as you stalker. Its really hard for me making a conversation flow.
At my former jobs I always ate lunch alone, allways hided for my colleagues, just to avoid the aquard silence.
Been struggling with this for a long time. Doh, the last months I`ve been working alot on myself. Allways saying YES when asked to joine in any social situation. And instead of judging myself when i get home, I look at it all as training.. Training for the epic conversation I will have in the future when my confidence is high and I am more self actualized.

[stalker]

Pushing myself doesn't help. Over the last years I talked to thousands of people. But it's getting worse.

I feel literraly strong pain when it comes so say something. Absolute mind paralysis.

"Say some nonsense", well that's the problem. That is to creative for me. You are suggesting to show high level of non-care. 

For a good conversation it is forbidden to say about problems, fears and anxieties, nerdy things, irrelevant topics to the situation and interests of a man you are talking to. Therefore there are some criteria for conversation. It's not a nonsense. There is a special purpose. What is it?

@Leo Gura

On 11.02.2016 at 3:44 AM, Leo Gura said:

Example: "I was brushing my teeth this morning and noticed that I haven't washed my bath towels in over a month." << Random conversation

Well this one is funny)

But what if he is silent? Or asks What's the point? How to develop this topic?

How to come up with these? I suffer with strong mind irritation when it comes to me to generate something like that.

Edited February 12, 2016 by stalker

[FindingPeace]

I have this problem to. I posted something about it in another thread. Personally I find conversation very pretentious and just a shallow game. The reason being that there is very little value to most of what 'normal' people have to say. I don't care about politics, or the weather, or their life, or someone else's life, or hearing about rants and complaints and judgments etc When I observe other people engage in small-talk it just sounds so rediculous and shallow. Very low-conscious.

I think there is a difference between 'small-talk' and 'intelligent conversation' though. But then what is 'intelligent'? Current affairs, news, politics, technology, society, lifestyle? I don't know. It's all 'chimpery' to me.

Self-help, self-actualization and the topics discussed on Actualized.org and this forum are far more interesting and insightful than most of what other people can talk about. So I am at a loss too. It is as though the further we emerge from this fog of bullshit that human society brought us up in the more detached I feel and less able to interract with it all.

Then again, why the need for conversation at all? I actually don't feel that I'm missing out on anything. Peace has become bliss, lol. I think we talk too much to be honest. Never mind the 'monkey-mind' in our heads, what about all the chimpery we spout through spoken language? Speaking of which I loved that analagy Leo used in the 'How society fucks you in the ass' video - 2 cages of chimps throwing shit at one another. Love it. Sums up so many human interractions...

[dude]

The point I see in small talk is having fun and just giving zero fucks.

@stalker the next line I would say is:

But what if he is silent? : So do you like towels or do you use a hairdryer? *and just laugh myself*

Or asks What's the point? : I wanted to see if I was the only one that forgets to do that... maby i'm just special.

How to develop this topic? : I think I'm getting old I'm forgetting things. Do you have the same thing?

 

How to come up with these? : practice, I would say but I don't have an alternative