Trying to fix my (34F) marriage in quarantine with my husband (41M) and our baby (1M)

[LennoxConner]

Quarantine has forced me and my partner to face the issues between us - 7 years of slowly built up resentment. It hasn’t been easy these last 5 weeks to be locked in together. Just now we had another terrible fight where I was condescending, he was resentful, and it’ll just be another bit of dead weight added to the dead weight scale that we’re dragging along in our lives.

I honestly don’t even know where to begin. All our issues are entangled and it’s not easy to see what is actually going on. In terms of dark horsemen: I’m the contemptuous criticising one, he’s the defensive stonewalling one. We have terrible communication and rarely manage to solve issues between us.

I really don’t want to break up. I think I’d run into the same issues with someone else, and I’m guessing that relationships are just hard most of the time. He’s also expressed not wanting to break up.

What can we do to survive the lockdown and to fix our marriage? We’re so stuck.

TL;DR After 7 years of marriage we (34F and 41M with 1M child) have lots of issues piled up. We want to make it to the next seven years but are really struggling to keep it positive.

Edit: between work and our toddler the Reddit windows are fairly limited, so it might take a while before I’ll be ably to respond to everyone. I’m so grateful for everyone’s advice. Couples Therapy sounds like the way to go and the fact that it’ll have to be over the phone might actually make it easier for us to find the time.

Edit 2: omg thank you SO MUCH for all your perspectives. Apart from it all being really insightful it also makes me feel so good to hear so many people’s opinions. The lockdown really means you can only talk to a handful of people and I’ve missed this so much! I’ll gradually try to reply to each of you!

Oh and something that deserves a clarification: our child is 1 year old and male (1M) not 1 month old.

[Elton]

@LennoxConner

After 2 years of marriage the love or magic in a relationship usually fades away after the love high is over.

Try finding out your partners love language.

1.Words of affirmation

2. Recieving gifts 

3.Quality time 

4. Acts of service

5. Physical touch.

His love language may be one of these and your love language may be another, when two people communicate different languages it often leads to choas.

What he fights over the most about or keeps suggesting about can be a tip to find out his love language.

Communicate his love language how many every times possible forever.

All this advise is not mine and has come from the book '5 languages of love',

 

But here is my advise to you, both of you could read this book together, and this act of reading the book together and applying the principles in your lives may save your marriage and create a loving environment for your son.

 

?

Edited April 29, 2020 by Elton

[ajasatya]

@LennoxConner To me, it seems that you need to revaluate the meaning of a marriage. Whilst most people marry to be served, high consciousness human beings marry to serve.

The strength of a couple is something quite unique within the realm of human experience. Be alive to serve, first yourself, then your child, then your husband, then mankind in general. Aim high and become an amazing human being.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to do nearly as much for mankind as I am right now if I weren't married. Working together to take care of daily activities saves A LOT of time. Create a high vision for your life and make good use of your time.

[Michael569]

Dawn Blanton in his book Radical Honesty says that the only way to get out of this is through complete honesty to each other. You have to reserve time and both need to be openminded enough to tolerate the discomfort. 

Now you take turns and each side tells the other what they resent them for. Get it all out and into his face. Look into his eyes and he has to look into yours. Same for him. It is essential that you guys maintain eye contact and that neither party gets interrupted. This will be uncomfortable and this will be painful but resentment is the worst kind of toxic poison that kills marriages and causes disease. It is important that you thank each other for absolute honesty and stray away from any judgement, mockery and so on. You need a pristine and clear environment otherwise this will not work. 

It is ok to cry and it is ok to yell. If you need to and if you feel he is not listening yell into his face: I RESENT YOU FOR LEAVING ALL HOUSEDUTIES TO ME!!! yell again and louder. He has to listen. When his time comes he has to be allowed to yell as well. No physical touching allowed. 

Once you both have taken your time to share everything, both parties get some time to process the information. Maybe both go into different rooms for few hours, maybe even sleep separately that night. 

Next day meet again this time you will say things you like about each other. Exhaust everything you can think of. There is no time limit. Think back to times when you guys started dating. What were the things that got you together, what did you love him for and he you. Once you have exhausted lists, leave it again and come back next day.

Now work on how either of you can implement or work on the points the other party resents them for. Some things may take longer such as "I resent you for not caring that you have become obese"...that will need time. It is important that you guys know what the other party is concerned about. 

And lastly, it is important that you re-establish intimacy. Get some scented candles, some nice essential oil for massage, maybe get some kinky clothing and a new toy and reignite a spark into your sex life as I assume that with so much resentment there has not bee a lot of it. 

If you guys don't work this of and you keep building walls, your child will end up with divorced parents which is an awful example to a growing baby who needs both male and female role models. 

Good luck !! let us know how it went 

 

 

Edited May 1, 2020 by Michael569

[Hello from Russia]

 

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Michael569 said:

I RESENT YOU FOR LEAVING ALL HOUSEDUTIES TO ME!!! yell again and louder.

 Why it sounds so funny

Great points, though. I believe honesty is the key as well. I think the lack of it and the lack of mutual habit of honesty is one of the thigns that contributed negatively to my relationship with my current partner and with my relationships in the past. You nail it all very well.

[Chakra Lion]

After 10 years of heavy roller coaster rides, the journey with my love has momentarily come to an end. We realized that our marriage, the limitations and restrictions we put on each other, the control and darkness we created, its not who we want to be, and reality has been enjoyable. Let me be real, the last half year has been hell, it took a lot to break us, but before we burn away our friend ship, we decided to sink our relation ship.  

But you see, while I was in the darkest hole, I found deep internal love, and now its overflowing out of me. Because of my love, I am who I am. And I love myself completely. 

There is no Love that I need to fill me, so I only want to live at peace in every single moment of my life, loving everything all the time.

And I always want my love in my life. So before we destroy the beauty that build our Love, we had to create space.

Always best friends first, I want my Love to Love. Find the ways to reap the reward of Love. What you need, you will get. Trust. 

[LennoxConner]

On 29/04/2020 at 6:43 PM, LennoxConner said:

Quarantine has forced me and my partner to face the issues between us - 7 years of slowly built up resentment. It hasn’t been easy these last 5 weeks to be locked in together. Just now we had another terrible fight where I was condescending, he was resentful, and it’ll just be another bit of dead weight added to the dead weight scale that we’re dragging along in our lives.

I honestly don’t even know where to begin. All our issues are entangled and it’s not easy to see what is actually going on. In terms of dark horsemen: I’m the contemptuous criticising one, he’s the defensive stonewalling one. We have terrible communication and rarely manage to solve issues between us.

I really don’t want to break up. I think I’d run into the same issues with someone else, and I’m guessing that relationships are just hard most of the time. He’s also expressed not wanting to break up.

What can we do to survive the lockdown and to fix our marriage? We’re so stuck.

TL;DR After 7 years of marriage we (34F and 41M with 1M child) have lots of issues piled up. We want to make it to the next seven years but are really struggling to keep it positive.

Edit: between work and our toddler the Reddit windows are fairly limited, so it might take a while before I’ll be ably to respond to everyone. I’m so grateful for everyone’s advice. Couples Therapy sounds like the way to go and the fact that it’ll have to be over the phone might actually make it easier for us to find the time.

Edit 2: omg thank you SO MUCH for all your perspectives. Apart from it all being really insightful it also makes me feel so good to hear so many people’s opinions. The lockdown really means you can only talk to a handful of people and I’ve missed this so much! I’ll gradually try to reply to each of you!

Oh and something that deserves a clarification: our child is 1 year old and male (1M) not 1 month old.https://discord.software/ https://omegle.onl/ vshare

To me, it seems that you need to revaluate the meaning of a marriage. Whilst most people marry to be served, high consciousness human beings marry to serve.

The strength of a couple is something quite unique within the realm of human experience. Be alive to serve, first yourself, then your child, then your husband, then mankind in general. Aim high and become an amazing human being.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to do nearly as much for mankind as I am right now if I weren't married. Working together to take care of daily activities saves A LOT of time. Create a high vision for your life and make good use of your time.

thankyou!!