Losing Friends

[Bart]

Just to share my thoughts and maybe some advice

Since I started my self actualisation /spiritual journey I have noticed that I slowly started to loose intrest in some people around me. After that I noticed that some closer friends have become strangers to me. I just have no common ground with them anymore. 

I have been in and around motorclubs most my life and lately I have noticed that I don't even fit in my club anymore. I still enjoy riding my bike but mostly alone. I can't handle myself in a group anymore. I think of leaving them very often but what's holding me back is the fact that I will loose a few close friends/brothers. If I'm out there's no way back. This dilemma is on my mind for quite some time. I will loose many people and a few very close friends at once.

I'm not getting happy anymore as I used to from the rides and club nights.  I preferto stick to myself. 

My question is: has anyone else experienced this and how to deal with it.

Maybe a word of advice could be useful. 

[99th_monkey]

where your coming from is normal. There was something in that club that gave you life that you no longer need anymore. So it feels like more effort to keep it up then before when it felt like a necessity.

if you prefer to stick to yourself, stick to yourself, a real "friend/brother" will love and respect that about you. if they dont. then all youre doing is removing what they value out of you.  who wants to live like that anyway.

you wanna find yourself?, then live for yourself, not others

[Allinthemind]

With the changing you are making, it will encourage different friends. Your old friends will go through their journey when they are ready. You are saying that "there is no way back", but you are seeing it as black and white; there are several options open to you when the time is right.

[Bart]

On Saturday, July 09, 2016 at 1:16 PM, Allinthemind said:

With the changing you are making, it will encourage different friends. Your old friends will go through their journey when they are ready. You are saying that "there is no way back", but you are seeing it as black and white; there are several options open to you when the time is right.

Thank you for the post.

By stating that there is no way back I mean that literally. Once you're out you're out. 

That is the only thing that is bothering me.  I know we all have different paths and we can come together and part just as easily. Trying to keep friends with former club  members is very difficult and almost impossible. 

It is a subculture that is very rigid in itself.  Although I have much trouble moving on I definitely will have to to maintain progress. 

Thanks for the advice.

[schmitzy]

Sounds though. Good luck! 

[MIARIVEL]

@Bart Oh Bart, I think most of us at some point in our lives are afraid to have no one, no friends or not feel apart of something. I don't know how religious you are but what helped me get through tough times is knowing that God always gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. Through change, being uncomfortable, being alone you find yourself and you find growth. This is one of the biggest challenges my clients face and even I have to. I struggled for a while but I knew that it was something I needed to do in order to grow and see what I am made of. 

What is the worse that can happen? you find happiness else where after some time? Your true friends will stick around, loyalty and integrity shouldn't be based on just being a member of a club, the right people will want you to stay in their life because you have made an impact to their life. 

There are millions of people in this world, like minded people and the right type of people are out there, just be patient and do what makes you happy in the meantime, even if that is discovering who you are and what you are capable of on your own for a while. It will teach you strength for the future. 

[Bart]

In case someone was wandering how this went.

I decided to pull the trigger and requested "speak time" on a club meeting.

I have told the board and members that I wanted to leave for personal reasons. I briefly explained why and gave them my reasons to leave the club. I was hoping for "out of club" so that I could be a free man without any new enemies so to say. They held a brief meeting and came back with the decision that they have unanimously agreed that I will recive a untimely  "Leave of absence" status. Becouse of my valued contribution to the club. 

As you may understand I was at least shocked but also very relieved by this. It means basically that we are still friends/brothers without being a member . 

In the end it all turned out well.

Thanks for all the advice it helped me a lot . 

[Aware]

On 15 juli 2016 at 7:07 AM, MIA.RIVEL said:

God always gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.

And he does that by letting this person be ignored. Let him share all the good words, morality and insights, but let him be ignored.

@Bart  Can you see and understand what Mia beautifully put down in words? The greatest battle however, is that to overcome yourself.

 

One can conquer a 1000 of soldiers, but greater is he who conquered himself

 

if you seclude from wrong friends, surely, if you accumulate seclusion from unwholesomeness, you will often find yourself streaming to those who are wise. When you meet wise people, and they are as wise as you are, you can advance together. If one is wiser then you are, you must ensure you can stay close to this person, staying in touch, to learn from him so you can overcome yourself, that is difficult to do. If you find no one, then accept this, and accumulate wholesome deeds on your own.

At the moment, you are realizing that the bonds you seem to have with the world and those concerned about the world, seemed strong in the beginning, but demonstrated to be a weak bond in the end, those refraining from weak bonds, forge unbreakable bonds within themselves that seemed weak at first, but proof to be lasting in the end.

 

Edited December 22, 2016 by Motus

[Alicja_]

Hi @Bart

It's quite simple. This is what I think: You've been self-actualizing, and your friends, possibly, have not. You are on a different stage of development, you are focused on different values, different goals, which your friends don't share with you. Not anymore. What is also true is that a majority of people you meet in life are not actualising, at least, not to any major extents. They live for comfort and what is old and known and safe. And you've been transcending these for a while. Abraham Maslow mentioned in one of his books that self-actualizing people are often better off spending time on their own, contemplating, meditating, being more self-sufficient. And that sometimes people become obstacles. 

Of course, I do not imply that you may lose your old buddies,  or that you should alienate yourself, etc. But if you do lose  some of your friends, well, it's quite understandable, at least to me. I lost a lot of friends in life who were close to me back then.  Actually, "lost" is the wrong word. What is true is that at some point in life we choose a different journey. It may be hurtful in the beginning but if we decide to cling to guilt, remorse, hurt, dwelling on the past, we will get hindered from moving forward. 

 

[MaxBlank]

I have had this experience of leaving organizations that I was a part of.

When appropriate, it think it is wise to formally declare that you are moving on- not to lose friends, but to fully embrace a new direction. For the example of a motor club; if you were given colors, you might consider if you want to formally retire them. Some clubs are more touchy about that sort of thing than others. Being forthcoming about it might be good.

Impermanence in all "compounded things" in life is one of the four seals of Buddhism; so when I did move on, it was really evidence that I was doing what was right for me at the time. I am better for having let go of attachments that actually served to limit my growth (I don't think I was fully aware of that at the time).

Oddly satisfying though...

...so from my Buddhist perspective, one doesn't really lose friends, one learns the truth about the impermanence of all human associations, including families. Being on the right path, one embraces this fact of living.