Guilt --> using mental health as excuse to not be called out by others

[Matt23]

Feeling guilty of using mental health as excuse to continue victim mindset

I feel scared of confronting my Dad's girlfriend about this (and my Dad a bit) since I feel I'll be seen as the bad person who's taking advantage of their soft heart.

I feel like I need and want a stern person to confront me on my shit and where I'm not showing up and tackling my demons

My demons being confronting the people whom I disagree with or don't like.  Like being immature and showing that, like expressing my dislikes and immaturities.

Like my Dad's girlfriend, I've noticed I have a shadow element where I see her and don't experience love for her and am somewhat, it seems, demeaning of her.

I feel like if she sees me she'll dislike me and I'm scared of that…I'm scared she'll yell at me and be angry with me.

I'm scared she'll confront me and yell at me for being a slob and a person who's not contributing and not being a good person for helping them

Like I'm taking advantage of them and their situation (food, housing, etc.) for free.

And I feel like any civil conversations about this and me revealing these things in me are in itself a way of avoiding the issue since it makes me look like the good guy…

Like I've never been told out or called out on my own shit (and I'm really scared of this) and that anything other than that will be a cop out.

Whenever I hear Pete and Lisa talk, I usually fear they are talking about their issues with me (reminds me of mom and dad talking as well perhaps), but when I snoop on their convos, they usually (or are never) about me.

I don't know, but I feel trauma and learned helplessness and falling back on victim-mindset (i.e., not confronting demons and taking responsibility) are all part of the equation.

At the moment, in the house, I'm fucking terrified of running into my Dad's girlfriend (i'd say my Dad and her hover around stage Orange/Blue, and my Dad's girfriend maybe a bit of Green spiral dynamics... I'm probably way lower, like Red, maybe even parts purple or beige...dunno).  I feel so on edge around her, like there's this huge tension in the air from my persective... like at any moment, she'll erupt and a confrontation will be unleashed.  I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

Thoughts?

Edited April 28, 2020 by Matt23

[OctagonOctopus]

Notice that guilt is a loop, you feel guilty about feeling guilty. Observe yourself feeling guilty, study the guilty. It is a survival mechonism the mind developed to protect you from something. Find out what that something is. That stern person that will face these feelings is already within you, find that zone and then face the feelings, anything other then feelings deeper is running away from what is true, what is now. 

Are you upset that you aren't contributing in some way or is your dad's girlfriend?  Where is this thought comming from? You or her? 

[Preety_India]

 

I think you're suffering from bias. This is visible in the fact that you snoop on their conversations with a preset mind. Because all you are doing is looking for a confirmation of that bias. Someday if it happens that she gives you a look, you'd feel some sort of comfort that your bias was confirmed. Notice it's your own bias and has no ground on its own if you weren't thinking the way you do. 

You've to confront yourself. It's not your dad's girlfriend's fault. You have a shadow against her. Only you can resolve it. 

Make room for her in your mind where you accept her the way she is and for who she is and let her be free of your judgement. She is not subject to your judgement to begin with. 

Once you resolve this and bring acceptance, your guilt and subconscious hate will automatically resolve itself. 

 

[kag101]

3 hours ago, OctagonOctopus said:

Are you upset that you aren't contributing in some way or is your dad's girlfriend?  Where is this thought comming from? You or her? 

That's what I was going to ask: do you have any evidence that they are thinking that you're using your "mental health as an excuse"?

I do admit that when i was depressed and unproductive, I would have the same fear of yours.

 

3 hours ago, Matt23 said:

I don't know, but I feel trauma and learned helplessness and falling back on victim-mindset (i.e., not confronting demons and taking responsibility) are all part of the equation.

I think you should take it more easy on yourself. You've gone through a lot, man...

[Elton]

@Matt23  maybe you are judging yourself too much, whatever judgements you have turn them around. 

Eg I should exploit my mom and dad and live with them. 

If you really don't want to do that you will find a way to do it and you will DO IT.

Just do it man, what are you waiting for ? Why are you even waiting for it ? 

Are you procastinating hard work by self pity and guit ? 

Just do it man.

You can't think yourself into right action but can act yourself into right thinking.