Thoughts and Observations

[The observer]

I kind of have a desire to make a journal where I express my thoughts in an objective, mechanical, and more of a robotic manner, like being completely scientific and just record facts from an unattached view point. For example; one entry would be like: The observer is talking to himself in this journal possibly to stimulate some epiphany, maybe to make some unconscious part of himself come out to light. Who knows? Right now, he's trying to flow and let the words take him to where he needs to be. Sounds like there's nothing at the moment. Or, maybe he gives up easily. Okay, sounds like he's lost his objective approach for a minute there. He is trying to get back on track. He's not hard on himself. He loves and accepts himself fully. He now realises that this mode of journaling is not necessarily more effective, but he's willing to give it a try for a few days and see where it gets him to.

If this approach fails to prove worthwhile, I will return back to normal. Let's see.

Edited April 28, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

The observer woke up a few hours ago from the worst nightmare. He can't remember anything else about it except that it's the worst. He has been trying to sleep again but he could not. His third eye is pulsating like crazy. He feels like he's carrying the weight of other people's struggles and he's grateful for that. He wants to help humanity move into the light with his infinite love. He's willing to take all the negatives and turns them into positives for others to enjoy their lives. To him, it's pointless to enjoy his life alone. He's now writing this from memory because he lost internet connection the first time and the browser forgot what he wrote. He felt frustrated and didn't want to write about it again but now he did. He's planning to start operating from silence tomorrow or the day after that. His PC needs maintenance and he has to go and check. He's going out walking/meditating for a couple of hours in a few minutes. That's his portal to God where there's only light with no dark.

[The observer]

You know what? Fuck being scientific and objective. I feel dissociated and not like myself anymore. I can't stand it any longer. I'll just be me.

[The observer]

The truth hurts yo. You only know it is the truth because it does hurt. Lies have no power. They can't hurt you because you know they're not true. The truth destroys the lies you've been holding on to, and shattering the illusion is never an easy thing. But, the truth heals you on the long term. The pain is a sign of growth. While lies keep you stuck in an illusory comfort that doesn't grow you, neither heal you. Be strong. Acknowledge the pain. Own it. Salvation is on the way.

Infinite Love it is. Truth.

Edited April 30, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

Teaching and learning are illusory.

Whaaaaaat?!

What is the essence of the teacher-student dynamic? It is a strive towards an ideal. A neglecting of the present moment and a seeking of actualising some imagination (which occurs in the present moment ?). The foolish mind thinks/believes that it's teaching/learning anything. Poor little mind. Things will happen when they happens, with love. There is no ideal to seek! The present moment is the ideal! Because it is love. Don't forget, or do. The truth is the truth. Remembrance won't change anything about it. There is no past. Only imagination of a past. There is no future. Only mental images of ideals to strive towards. There is no time. The present moment is all there is.

This communication will not help you get it, neither prove anything to you, even though it's absolutely true. If you get it, you get it. This communication will only give you an ideal to strive towards, which is still the present moment itself, only you will not be able to see it and therefore you will keep chasing your own tail, forgetting the ride by focusing on the destination. You will get there. You're just afraid you won't. Your mind is telling you stories for how things should be. Your mind is telling you stories. The truth is prior to stories.

That's not even exclusive to God. The mind is actually incapable of learning/teaching anything/anyone. The mind isn't the medium for learning. It is just an imaginary controller. Direction. A block of the stream. Resistance.

Then how does learning occur? Love. Nothing else. Your understanding is only as deep as your love.

Infinite Love = Infinite Wisdom.

[The observer]

The forum is becoming more masculine. In less than one day, two soft feminine people (one male and one female) left, and two others (also one male and one female) who I don't know well are manifesting masculine energy. At least the ones I've noticed. Anyway, I'm not judging. All is well. Just making observations and wishing good luck for everyone. Better yet, perhaps I could use some more masculinity. Also, Leo and the mods are getting more strict about the rules. The forum is now moving towards a certain direction instead of just flowing. I wonder what that direction will be.

Love everything. Flow. Grow infinitely.

Edited April 30, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

What is Actualized.org?

It's a philosophy; i.e. A particular set or system of beliefs resulting from the search for knowledge about life and the universe.

That's what it actually is. Leo is somehow explicit and at the same time so much implicit about it. He says that his ultimate goal with this work is to understand reality. Well, according to the definition above, understanding reality is nothing but philosophy. Now, there's no wonder why many people (including me) find themselves lacking results while following Actualized.org. And then, of course, there's the life purpose course. The ultimate saver. So clever! Reeling in the intellectual type of people and seducing them to buy the LP course.

Going further; Leo's philosophy is based on three major principles (philosophies);

1. Cynicism; survival is the main and only driver for all of human activities.
2. Idealism; everything is a thought.
3. Solipsism; only you exist.

That being said, it's probably time to move on. You want results? You're not going to get them by philosophising. Even if you stop playing these philosophical games. As long as you're listening to Leo and/or interacting with others on the forum (or anywhere) who share the same mindsets, you're still going to be stuck. Ideas don't just affect you on the conscious level. Your subconscious mind naturally imitates its environment. The people you surround yourself with affect you more than you notice. Ideas affect you more than you notice. Learn how to control the stream of information that you're intaking. You might believe that you belong somewhere. But that's a false, limiting belief. You can belong anywhere. It's just a matter of time needed to adjust and accommodate. Nothing Leo says is actually false. Nothing anyone says is actually false. Everything has some truth to it from a certain perspective, because everything is Truth.

Conclusions:

• The silence challenge is the best thing I've ever done in my entire life. Will keep doing it.
• I'm not going to be partaking with this forum anymore. I'll start using it for journaling only.
• I'm not going to create threads, or bother explaining this to anyone. Maybe I am wrong, or maybe Leo is just unaware. Besides, I would certainly receive a lot of hate for trying to share my perspective, and I could get banned.
• It's strange how I was not able to see all that with such clarity before!

[The observer]

Just read two threads on here by accident. I'm feeling ugh. I don't know anything.

[The observer]

Take me away

Shower me with bliss or throw me in hell

I'm all yours

 

This Love, inevitable

You're damaging the soul, the heart is saying

But both are redeemed

To You

You already know everything!

 

 

Glimpses give rise to longing

To passion

Then to connection

Why are You hiding?! Why are You shy?!

Then to annihilation

To permanence

Bury me there!

Edited May 7, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

People at tier one have a high tendency to find themselves trapped within a particular paradigm and not be able to view things outside of it. This gives rise to all sorts of problems in understanding, one of which is the one you're addressing. The mind always wants to control the narrative. The mind will say: "this" is "that" and alike phrases to keep itself running. It's the number one most favourite habit of the mind to create pointers. However, when the pointers get too many, they overwhelm the mind, and so it ends up being confused.

With enough meditation to slow the pace of the thoughts, one can clearly see that there is no "subjective" nor "objective". One can see that there is no "direct experience" nor "proof". All of these terms are pointers that are heavily loaded with meanings. And for an untrained awareness/mind, it's easy to get lost and confused by all that.

To begin the process of deconstruction, one must ask questions. What is "subjective"? What is "objective"? What do these terms refer to in reality?

One way for defining "objective" is: consensus. This definition is not what "objective" actually is. This definition is fit for the paradigm from which one's approaching the question; The paradigm of direct experience; The original raw form of the scientific paradigm. Paradigms create the ground necessary for asking questions, and they colour and shape the answers. Paradigms control the input and output of the mind. Without a paradigm, one can't ask nor answer any questions whatsoever. The mind requires a framework to operate from, and without that framework, it will get dismantled, and there will be nonsense. In other words, as long as one's trying to make sense of reality by trying answer existential questions, one will remain stuck in a prison of their own creation; Creating a problem and then trying to solve it from the same source that created it in the first place. It's just endless running around in circles.

Just stop! Take a deep breath. The answers to no-questions are beyond the mind.

Stop!

Observe.

Feel!

[The observer]

Self-help, at some point, becomes only a matter of fine-tuning. When you've consumed too much that your cup is full, you don't need anymore learning. Only minor bug fixes here and there every now and then. Or like a little plate of dessert. Be wary of making a religion out of self-help. A lot of people do that. Instead go on with your life. Pick it up back right from where you left. Any further information is unnecessary, and even worse, is mental masturbation that will keep you stuck in the mind without making results in the real world. Everything has its breaking point. You've reached yours with spirituality and self-help, both in theory and in practice. It has been a dojo for you over the last few years, but now you don't need it anymore. You're strong enough to be on your own. The greatest lesson is that you don't exist, so there's nothing to worry about. Now, move on. You will adapt.

[The observer]

My result; https://www.truity.com/personality-test/17372/test-results/20149459

Type 9 sounds accurate.

[The observer]

Keyhole said:

"God is the ultimate sadist.  Some people will live great lives who deserve absolute destruction and some who are pure hearted and good will suffer immensely, all in the name of love."

I say: Could be, but exclusively from the human perspective.

She also said:

"That sounds like the rationalization an abuse victim would make. Most of the suffering in the world runs through this same sort of mechanism. If it was true love you wouldn't have suffered at all."

I say: Anything anyone will ever say is a rationalization. Some rationalizations are made by victims, some are made by rebels, some are made by lovers, some are made by blind people, etc... You can scream in God's face all you want, or you can kiss God all you want. God remains untouched, because you're imagining God. He doesn't exist. A victim would imagine God to console himself. A rebel would imagine God to fight against himself. A narcissist would imagine God to further love himself. A deluded person would imagine God to remain blind. Pick your identity and imagine all you want. It's all about you. When I talk about God as infinite love, I acknowledge my projection. I know that God is not all loving. But no amount of expression of emotions will get you closer to liberation. All endeavours have a breaking point. They all become useless and addictive after reaching there. Only Truth will heal you and set you free. What you're seeking is not more attachment/stories. What you're seeking is the meta. It's the dis-identification. The perspective of no-perspective. The annihilation of the person. The more stories you attach yourself to, the further you will get from Truth/liberation/healing. The mind will likely come back at this by saying: "you're missing the feminine perspective, you heartless savage masculine bastard blah blah blah." Don't listen to the devil! That's just another trap on the path towards Truth. There's no masculine or feminine. They're both imaginary and interchangeable. Don't limit yourself with either of them. Always start with one, and go with one. You will arrive at the other. You will arrive at One. The circle will be complete, because there's nothing but One. Go all the way. Don't settle for less than full liberation. And remember, eventually, you will have to let go of this narrative too. You will have to face God completely pure, naked like you were born.

She also said:

"You can call God whatever you like, the only thing that matters is if you're lined up with how you feel authentically wherever that is at, light energy or dark energy."

I say: Nothing matters at all. Lined up, out of touch, authenticity, hypocrisy, light energy, dark energy, blah blah blah. Just one more trap for keeping you stuck where you are. Traps don't matter either, but only if you're healed. If you're not yet healed, you would have to follow the pointers first. What are you gonna do about your suffering? That's the question. Are you gonna keep telling yourself comforting stories? Or are you gonna embrace the Truth without hesitation? Truth can cause a lot of turmoil to the person that's the obstacle to enlightenment. Does that mean that the Truth hurts? Or does it mean that the person must go away and allow space for Truth? Truth is not good, nor evil, nor neutral. Truth is just Truth.

[The observer]

Made a few changes in account settings. Added birthday, month, and year. Added location; city and country. Changed the "about me" quote. And turned on the "recently visited" monitor.

9 days left of Ramadan and my streak is still running. All almost completely effortless. My brother broke yesterday. He gave up the challenge. He could not take it anymore. The suffering was just too much for him. I understand where he's coming from. He perceives fasting as a pointless practice. Only if he could have a little faith. He told me he's at the other end of whatever that thing called "faith" is. Being present and authentic is good and it can help, but it's not enough. A shift in the subconscious mind needs to take place. Perception has to shift focus towards the full half of the glass. I might talk more about that later.

Edited May 14, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

I love myself. And you should too. If you can't do that, then that's only because you don't love yourself. I feel sorry for you, but not really. I love you as you are, ignorant. How narcissistic am I? Perhaps the most. I don't care. You're just as much narcissistic as I am. Only you deny it and cover it up with all sorts of stories and judgements. It starts with judgements. You're banning yourself from love. Everytime anyone shows you any amount of love, you shy away and reject it like you don't deserve it. Do you know who's feeding on this misdirected love? Your ego. You don't let love in, and you don't give love to yourself either. There's this feeling of guilt, like love is not for you. Well, it helps if you recognise that and admit it. Just look into the mirror. That was narcissus's weakness. You're afraid of falling in love with yourself. Why? Because you're too vulnerable and love comes way too strong.

It's gonna be okay. There's no wrong way to live life. It's just a zero-sum game.

[The observer]

Life is the house of illusion, of narcissism, of love. If you can't submit to that, and if you're not efficient enough, you're gonna get kicked out soon. Life cares, but death doesn't. Life wants you to spread delusion, to spread love. It's all fine. Maybe you don't belong here. Maybe you're already dead.

Life is also the house of duality, of balance, of opposites. You can't just go and live in the extremes. You gotta always level down to where things are at. The more paradoxical and complicated you are, the more blessed you'll be. Life worships complexity and it walks over simplicity. Deny that and see. You will die.

Edited May 16, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

There's nothing wrong with ego, except for the ego. Tricky.

[The observer]

 

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by The observer

[The observer]

It's crazy how it is! A while ago, I read something in one of Keyhole's journals, probably the one about Alchemy project - I'm pissed that she's deleted it before I could finish reading. Anyway, I didn't pay much attention at the time. I was reading just because I was interested in the material. Now it hit me. I have something of what's called "grandiosity" or something like that, where I believe in the deepest parts of my being that I am special, that I am the saviour, that I am the centre of the universe. These thoughts keep reoccurring to me, and I usually dismiss them like they've never existed. But they don't go away, even though everything in my life indicates that, logically, my life will never unfold in any meaningful way, but rather that it will end drastically in the most disastrous devastating way. Yet, I still subconsciously believe that things will magically change, and that I will be someone important in the human history. To be honest, I don't even want that. And I know that all of it is illusory. But thanks to my mum who imprinted me with these ideas since I was a little kid - she would manipulate me physically, mentally, and emotionally to achieve her ideals. She would always tell me that I will become a successful person and that I will be rich and happy. I honestly don't want these things. I was not aware of this layer of my ego. Crazy!

[Wisebaxter]

On 29/04/2020 at 8:37 AM, The observer said:

You know what? Fuck being scientific and objective. I feel dissociated and not like myself anymore. I can't stand it any longer. I'll just be me.

@The observer Made me chuckle  loved your experiment dude

14 hours ago, The observer said:

I have something of what's called "grandiosity" or something like that, where I believe in the deepest parts of my being that I am special, that I am the saviour, that I am the centre of the universe

Yep, I get that too. Fucking weird isn't it. At least I'm not the only one. With me it's an obsession with fame or celebrity status. I imagine myself on talk shows   Like you I think it was my upbringing or programming. I also think It's somehow a compensation for my deep fear that I'm actually going in the opposite direction, like you say, it all points to that. 
Do you think there's a danger that we could achieve less than we're capable of somehow, in the process of rebelling against our programming? I do also think that I have special gifts I could achieve something with. And why wouldn't we want to experience financial success at least. I don't even have that! I worry I'm asserting my need to be different so intensely that I'm sabotaging myself. 

Edited May 18, 2020 by Wisebaxter