I am healing, it's finally happening ? I have waited for so many years to finally FEEL this, to finally stop thinking about it and learning and studying about it.   I now start to understand. I'm not enlightened at all, but after one psychedelic breakthrough in shadow work, and three sober breakthroughs (in shadow work too), the last one happened a few hours ago....  I finally start to feel what it means to feel alive ???   Today I've had a huge moment of mental suffering, monkey mind, paranoia, excessive thinking etc...  I was so tired of this... I just wanted to... be free. A dear friend of mine helped me to process this moment of pain, helping me with some visualizations and asking how I feel. At the end I just felt it, and it was as strong as in my last LSD trip, but this time it was sober. ?   I am free, I've always been free. And I have forgotten what it means to be free expression. I have no fixed character, I am just a free roaming child, who has learned how to behave in a fixed character. What do you really want? What is the core of your happiness? I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF. Not a specific set of rules, behaviours and identities.  I just want to exist fully. I'm sick of being defined as "this" or "that". It's just causing me suffering.   I have cried so much today. It was painful, but it was joyful too. I have really enjoyed this feeling. Maybe there's no negative in crying, maybe I'm just here to be colors, to be what I happen to be, to just be here. I am here ? I am here because I must have wanted to be here! I am no mistake.   I don't know what's happening to me, I feel so weird. But I'm happier. I don't want to think so much anymore, I just want to be expression, I want to be all the colors that I want to be. I'm still crying while writing this, but now these tears feel so true. They are so trueeeeeeee ???   I am my own truth, there is nobody out there telling me what I am, I'm just here, alive, I'm just here, and I want to stay connected here, to my heart, to my will to exist.   It feels so much like a psychedelic trip, but I am completely sober since weeks.... I still have all these worrying thoughts about my life, but NOW I don't care.  I DON'T CARE about them!!! Because now I can FEEL the freedom of just being here.   I'm still crying. I'm healing. There is no fear, only ?????????? Thanks, especially @Leo Gura