The unexplainable beauty of Feeling

[billiesimon]

I am healing, it's finally happening ?

I have waited for so many years to finally FEEL this, to finally stop thinking about it and learning and studying about it.

 

I now start to understand. I'm not enlightened at all, but after one psychedelic breakthrough in shadow work, and three sober breakthroughs (in shadow work too), the last one happened a few hours ago.... 

I finally start to feel what it means to feel alive ???

 

Today I've had a huge moment of mental suffering, monkey mind, paranoia, excessive thinking etc... 

I was so tired of this... I just wanted to... be free. A dear friend of mine helped me to process this moment of pain, helping me with some visualizations and asking how I feel.

At the end I just felt it, and it was as strong as in my last LSD trip, but this time it was sober. ?

 

I am free, I've always been free. And I have forgotten what it means to be free expression. I have no fixed character, I am just a free roaming child, who has learned how to behave in a fixed character.

What do you really want? What is the core of your happiness?

I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF. Not a specific set of rules, behaviours and identities. 

I just want to exist fully. I'm sick of being defined as "this" or "that". It's just causing me suffering.

 

I have cried so much today. It was painful, but it was joyful too. I have really enjoyed this feeling.

Maybe there's no negative in crying, maybe I'm just here to be colors, to be what I happen to be, to just be here.

I am here ? I am here because I must have wanted to be here! I am no mistake.

 

I don't know what's happening to me, I feel so weird. But I'm happier.

I don't want to think so much anymore, I just want to be expression, I want to be all the colors that I want to be.

I'm still crying while writing this, but now these tears feel so true. They are so trueeeeeeee ???

 

I am my own truth, there is nobody out there telling me what I am, I'm just here, alive, I'm just here, and I want to stay connected here, to my heart, to my will to exist.

 

It feels so much like a psychedelic trip, but I am completely sober since weeks....

I still have all these worrying thoughts about my life, but NOW I don't care. 

I DON'T CARE about them!!! Because now I can FEEL the freedom of just being here.

 

I'm still crying. I'm healing.

There is no fear, only ??????????

Thanks, especially @Leo Gura

[Nahm]

@billiesimon Love you. Great to hear. ??

[billiesimon]

14 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@billiesimon Love you. Great to hear. ??

Love you 

?

[Zanoni]

Happy for you. Almost jealous as I want this also to happen.  

[Javfly33]

It feels like I´m the one who wrote this post! 

[billiesimon]

9 hours ago, Zanoni said:

Happy for you. Almost jealous as I want this also to happen.  

Thanks  I'm still healing, the path is not finished.

You can heal too. Shadow work and self inquiry are your best bet ?

[Fkdel]

Love you, bro! I had the same experience you had, on lsd  Some things from the trip remained, managing to get it all sober, haha! 

Any advice ? I do lots of shadow work to, but it's harder to feel and release sober. 

And it's awesome to see someone who had the same experience, haha. "colors are my true nature" - this quote just describes it.

Lots of love bro

[billiesimon]

8 minutes ago, Fkdel said:

Love you, bro! I had the same experience you had, on lsd  Some things from the trip remained, managing to get it all sober, haha! 

Any advice ? I do lots of shadow work to, but it's harder to feel and release sober. 

And it's awesome to see someone who had the same experience, haha. "colors are my true nature" - this quote just describes it.

Lots of love bro

I'm not an expert on shadow work, but I've practiced it quite a lot and explored with different techniques.

This release was first experienced with LSD, like you  but then I managed to get them sober too.

You have to dive deep into what you truly feel is LACKING in your life.

Is it freedom? Is it self-love? (for me it's those two)

Is it stability and abundance? Is it finding your passion? 

The pain you feel has a distinct taste to it. If you really really listen to it you will find that it's communicating some kind of lack or repressed quality  

The best mindset is repeating to yourself that "it is calling me everyday, I can hear it"! ?